Manic Street Preachers

There's something about this song I like - Although I'm pretty sure it's not Nina Persson's singing. It may be an accent thing but her voice doesn't seem to be entirely suited to it. Not strong enough? I'm just not sure. Judge for yourself. The Manic's rock.

The Big Sleep

Disclaimer:

I think it's fair to say that things have been stressful of late. There's been a lot going on.
All that aside, I must admit I smiled when IG rang the other night (out of the blue) to check up on me. [Although I'm sure Shars had some part to play in it]

But let's be clear here - I'm absolutely fine.

One of the problems with being more honest on this blog, is that too many people who drop by know me; and that is entirely my fault. When I started writing this blog, it was a method of keeping in touch with friends and family. As time rolled on I wanted more from this space, and in some ways I've achieved this; but still, every now and again, I have to remember to pull back from the abyss, and moderate my comments, lest the phone calls start!

Post starts here:

When I didn't do so well in my second year at Otago University back in 1985 I pretty much slept for 24 hours - I remember this, as I remember too many things from my life past. My brain is thus full of rubbish - memories stored solidly, refusing to budge.
What I learnt from that second year, was that I really didn't have a future at University. Although that memory still comes back to haunt me on a semi annual basis, I realise now that things pretty much sorted themselves out for the best; at least with respect to my career.

So - my career aside, the lesson I'm trying to learn right now, is that you cannot change the past. You'd think that this would be a simple lesson to learn - but I think my desire for something to be different just keeps getting in the way of the way things are.
Why get do I get so angry at something I can't obviously change?
I guess it's because I was there once, and should have done much more, when in actuality I did so much less.
And if you have any idea exactly what I'm talking about - then you shouldn't be reading this post - it's private :)

I have to find a way though this, and undoubtedly I will. But it's going to take a lot more time, and even after last weekends effort, a hell of a lot more sleep.
I will beat this, mainly because the only other option is a lifetime of regret - and I wont buy in to that mess, even for a supreme lack of effort fifteen years ago. :)

Kasey Chambers

This video could be viewed in many differing ways. Possibly a whine-fest about not being noticed, or a not so subtle comment on how much importance we place on how we are perceived by others. I wonder if we aren't all a little lost in the world.

I like it because it's simple, and lacks pretension - like a lot of Kasey's music.

I remember seeing Kasey play "Hollywood" on Rove Live, and was blown away.

This is not Hollywood
There is no camera in my room
This is not Hollywood
Flowers grow before they bloom
Well you can hide away when you walk in dusky light of night
But this is not Hollywood
This is my life

Five years in Auckland

I'll be five on Sunday.

I often wonder if I can be bothered with where I am right now in the greater scheme of things; Given the day to day monotony of life in general, I often find myself asking - is that all there is?

Sure - we could take up a multitude of hobbies and good causes to accompany all the other things we do to keep us busy, but still - if we stood back and looked at our lives through a different set of eyes, what would be the difference between any two lives lived? Would you like to judge which life was "better" on the grander scale?

Who's to say that a life in front of a TV set, is any better in the bigger picture, than someone, who say, climbed Everest. Obviously sitting in front of TV is a lot safer :) - but that's hardly my point. I'm just not just talking about personal achievement here - it's bigger than that. After all, on the count of who's winning in this life, who really keeps score - except perhaps you, or someone competing with you?

With all our self important running around, should we really think about our futures, or live blissfully in the now?

The people I know who are most happy, never seem to think of the future - but did you ever notice how society feeds us a constant diet of conformity, coupled with a controlled mix of fiscal responsibility and consumer must haves. It's just that I'm starting to think I don't want to buy into it anymore.

I think this cycle just feeds the misery, and most days you can see it on our faces. Time to smile a bit more, and think a lot less :)

Best laid plans

I saw this in the local paper today, and it made me smile.
I wanted a permanent copy - so I've taken the whole article from here.

Here’s an excellent example of pwnage: when the white supremacist group VNN Vanguard Nazi/KKK tried to host a hate rally in Knoxville, Tennessee, they were foiled by … clowns!

Unfortunately for [VNN] the 100th ARA (Anti Racist Action) clown block came and handed them their asses by making them appear like the asses they were.

Alex Linder the founder of VNN and the lead organizer of the rally kicked off events by rushing the clowns in a fit of rage, and was promptly arrested by 4 Knoxville police officers who dropped him to the ground when he resisted and dragged him off past the red shiny shoes of the clowns. http://www.volunteertv.com/home/headlines/7704982.html

“White Power!” the Nazi’s shouted, “White Flour?” the clowns yelled back running in circles throwing flour in the air and raising separate letters which spelt “White Flour”.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s angrily shouted once more, “White flowers?” the clowns cheers and threw white flowers in the air and danced about merrily.

“White Power!” the Nazi’s tried once again in a doomed and somewhat funny attempt to clarify their message, “ohhhhhh!” the clowns yelled “Tight Shower!” and held a solar shower in the air and all tried to crowd under to get clean as per the Klan’s directions.

At this point several of the Nazi’s and Klan members began clutching their hearts as if they were about to have a heart attack. Their beady eyes bulged, and the veins in their tiny narrow foreheads beat in rage. One last time they screamed “White Power!”

The clown women thought they finally understood what the Klan was trying to say. “Ohhhhh…” the women clowns said. “Now we understand…”, “WIFE POWER!” they lifted the letters up in the air, grabbed the nearest male clowns and lifted them in their arms and ran about merrily chanting “WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER! WIFE POWER!”

Old but good

Sums up where I've been, musically wise, this last week.
This may be old - but it seems fresh to me; probably because I don't listen to much mainstream radio these days.

Fuel - Bad Day.

Doctor Sucks Ass!

For some unholy reason Dr Hook's Greatest Hits has just been re-released here.
But wait - there's more - From the band who's lyrics gives us classic lines as....

And when your body's had enough of me And I'm layin flat out on the floor When you think I've loved you all I can I'm gonna love you a little bit more

OR

If I seem to come on too strong I hope that you will understand I say these things 'cause I'd like to know if you're as lonely as I am and if you'd mine - spending the night together.

OR

Night falls on the city, baby feels the beat Slick and sexy angel of the street The queen of all the night birds watch her when she walks She don't say nothing but, baby makes her blue jeans talk

I'd imagine if Aliens were approaching the earth from a Galaxy... far... far away, listening to 50's and then 60's radio stations as they got closer, when Dr Hooks' "Spending the Night Together" finally assaulted their ears in the 70's I'd imagine they'd stop, only to turn their craft around, and head home.

Perhaps Dr Hook was devised for exactly that purpose, and if that failed there was always Disco I guess.

I am Legend - well kinda

Never mention shagging the Goat!

So - it turns out someone at work has nominated me as a legend. Basically this means that from a list of nominees, a committee of managers shortlist 20 worthy souls, who then leave for a distant exotic location (with partners), to enjoy 5 star hospitality for a week - all expenses paid. If picked - I'll probably be the only single one there.

Whether or not I make the short list, it's nice to be recognized by your peers. However I must remain vigilant, as the scary sickle that whittles down all the tall-ish poppies is ever present waiting in the wings. 'tis a kiwi thing, sadly.

The problem with awards; although often nice to receive, they pretty much infer everyone else is decidedly unledgend-like. Although I'm sure most offices have employees who do the bare minimum, most people I know work damn hard for their daily bread. It seems that award outcomes often read like a popularity contest, and because of that it's fair to say I'm conflicted by the whole business of them. I'm thinking how (un)comfortable a "fit" this nomination is with me.

But all that said - I've often wondered what it's like to be in the inner circle of the firm I work for. If I make the shortlist I may discover such gems as the combination to the Marketing Department's washroom, or the "secret squirrel" handshake - the final step in moving from the basement to the ground floor.

One wonders if the sky is really as blue as it is in my dreams.

The Ultimate Bourne Ultimatum?

Ben Affleck Hoping Jason Bourne Has Sidekick In Next Movie

LOS ANGELES—Affleck envisioned the sidekick as being taller and slightly beefier the Bourne, and who would always look out for his best friend.

John Cusack Fan Club

The best scene from the best movie about music I've ever seen.
I wish i had written this, or at least had said it to someone by now.

Unloading

Honesty is a good leveler. So much of what lies within us, isn't as transparent to others as we might think. Every now and again it's important to be honest, and to own up to our feelings for others, regardless of the outcome.

Wednesday came, and not without some degree of foreboding on my part. Things were said, made real, and I feel a significant weight taken from me. Regardless, I was true to myself, and that is all we can really ask of ourselves - right?

Two songs to clear the air.

Eighties Elvis - light and fluffy - lyrics here.



Newer Elvis - a little more honest, and with it, a hell of a lot more power. Lyrics

Wednesday

Speaking in riddles
Always understanding,
regardless.
Moving in slow motion
Circling the wagons
Protecting the obvious
From the unknowing
Everyday.

Block

I have nothing but writers block today.
In lieu of something creative, I have thrown myself into my domestic duties. God how I hate cleaning!
So now, even though my house is clean, and smelling ever-so-slightly of pine scented cleaning products, there is no feeling of accomplishment.
But I'm picking Thursday I won't be able to shut up.

No so perfect days on the way I can assure you :(

I understand now

This is how life should be - for all of us.

Parallel Words

I love words. I love their width and their depth.
I love that the same sentence can mean different things to different people, and I love that they add colour to our life.
I love that we get lost in them - that they can perplex us, and transport us to another place. I especially love it when not everyone "gets it", and for those of us that do, the joy that that knowledge brings; that with all our differences, all the combinations and permutations involved in being an individual, we still get to have something together. Something special.

There are levels, and levels again. Meanings within meanings. In some way writing, music, and art can be superficial on one layer, yet in others, open to so much interpretation. Therein lies the magic; it's not just cut and dried; and for that I am thankful.

I guess I'm always looking for meaning - and I love the realization I've got a lot to learn yet.

You stand too close to the painting.
All you see is patches of colour.
Stand too far back - can't see any of the detail.
Right now this is your particular perspective.
And if you ask me.....

I'm a little too close??

Yes.

Wind of change

This week I feel a wind of change. Perhaps decisions somewhere have been made - it's not clear - things just feel different. An overactive sixth or possible tenth sense - I've lost count. I try and tell myself it's not a bad thing, or that perhaps it's all in my head. Normal service will resume after a period of acclimation, or realisation - whatever comes first.

In the meantime....

I've always loved Peter Frampton- in the early eighties Frampton Comes Alive was a staple for me on our family record player.

The sweetest fragrance, it brings a wind of change.
I feel it's now or die.
I have itchy fingers and butterflies are strange;
You know that I live a lie.

Sapphires aren't enough to buy me happiness.
Diamonds don't demand me, they're just for looking,
Love comes close to wrecking all you have to give;
God knows, there's so much to give

Unfortunately there was nothing on Youtube to post, but there was another song with the same name that reminded me of my tour through Europe many years ago, so in lieu of something better, that will have to do.

So who are you?

Kirsty sent me a fun little test in an email today.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index.shtml

You know, I'd like to think you couldn't put me in a box, even one of sixteen. Still it was an interesting diversion in a day stifled by yawns, and a very polite American lecturer, who really wanted to see the "native" population while he was here.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that the Maori weren't a tribe of warriors living as they did when Europeans first arrived here. The puzzling thing was that he said he saw "Once Were Warriors" years ago, and wanted to see "people like that". To be honest - if I ran into Jake the Mus, sticking around for a chat would be the last thing on my mind. An extremely powerful and unsettling film definitely made sure of that. Viewer discretion recommended by the way.



Then again it just could be the Resolver in me.

Car Guys

It's often hard to understand the bond between guys and their cars. I only know that there is something magical about taking a car, making it unique to you - something special.

For some guys throwing on a set of shiny rims, lowering blocks, and a set of boost gauges is not enough. The superficial aside, some guys love taking something old - near the end of it's life, then spend hundreds of hours ( and thousand of dollars) restoring and enhancing the car, often in doing so, creating a car that is superior to the original that left the factory.

For some strange reason too, it's totally OK for a guy to be emotionally attached to a vehicle, and that cant be too bad, given the social emotional restrictions placed on men in this day and age.

I guess it could take a Y chromosome to understand why I'm seriously considering spending $3000 on a car worth $5000, rather than send it to an automotive dismantler, to be turned into scrap. I hope you can find it in your heart to understand regardless.

Yeah - I know, I need a girlfriend. But is it OK if she has to love my cars too? :)

They happen in three's

As far as luck goes, for me it pretty much runs down the middle of the road. While I have been previously told I must make my own luck, here in the real world I am pretty well off. Every now and again bad things do happen, and yes - they usually come in three's. With that in mind I hope the following two are minor in comparison.

Today I took my MR2 for a warrant. I've had my Toyota for over 14 years, and in that time I've never once fell out of love with it. It's fast and fun to drive, and frankly I cant think of any other car I'd rather own for the price. So when the Warrant of Fitness guy told me he had some bad news for me I was unfazed - after all how bad could it be?

Very bad. Years before I brought the car, some back yard panel beater in Japan had repaired the front of the car so badly that I am now looking at a repair bill of over $3000. That's not to say he didn't do a good job of hiding his repairs. When the car came into New Zealand it was missed on the Land Transport inspection, and every warrant of fitness visit since the fault has been overlooked. And we are talking here is significant danger to the driver, if the car is involved in an accident.

I am gutted. The car now has to go for a full engineering report and a repair method has to be supplied by Toyota. Sobering stuff.

So it's good, at least in the respect that I am still here, but bad because I have no car to get me about. I have to wait and decide whether to repair the car or wreck it. Personally even at a cost of $3000 I'm not liable to find a car of similar performance or enjoyment - but I have to wait and see - it may be time to let it go.

When I think of all the places and close calls I've been in with this car, perhaps it shouldn't be viewed as bad luck after all - perhaps I'm lucky to still be breathing.

Still I'm worried about the next two pieces of bad news.

Running on empty

This live clip is from 1977 - pity the sound quality isnt the best. Since the mid 80's I've loved Jackson Browne's music.
This song was released as a part of an excellent live album, recorded in hotel rooms, practice halls, and live performances.
The thing about really good music; the themes never age.

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Complete lyrics here

Blackout

After the minor meltdown last week, this week has been surprisingly flat in comparison. I wonder if it's the calm before the storm - which in itself is ironic, because outside my window it's blowing a gale - right now. Thirty minutes or so ago the power went off - the 4th time this year, and I was left in the dark to find the matches and light the candles. I was wondering how long I would have to sit in their glow - I spent the time playing my guitar, trying to nutt out David Grays Alibi, which has been on high rotation around my place lately.

Stone blind alibi
I will eat the lie
Find the word
Could break any spell that binds you

Prayers like ammonites
Curl beneath the lights
How I long to
Bite any hand that feeds you more
Where d'it all go wrong
My Friday night enfant
Where d’it all go wrong
My Friday night enfant .....

When the lights came on half an hour later I kinda missed the ambiance.

Speaking of Music, iTunes automatically sorts a top 25 list of most played songs. I must admit I was surprised when I saw my current top ten.

1) Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
2) I Keep Forgetting - Michael McDonald
3) Like a Rolling Stone - The Rolling Stones
4) Still Fighting It - Ben Folds
5) Alibi - David Gray
6) You Belong to Me - Doobie Brothers
7) Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead
8) Missing - Everything but the Girl
9) Working Class Hero - Green Day
10) Cuz I Can - Pink.

Still, even with all this relative calm and normality, I'm looking forward to seeing NFG Wednesday week - it's been too long, and I miss my friend.

Stop - Police

Coming back from a night's work in Tauranga, I mused about how boring my driving habits had become over the years. Mentally bashed by years of road safety advertisements, and anti drinking propaganda, here go I; driving at the speed limit, with an absolute zero blood alcohol limit; It is a good thing I suspect.

The Police here in NZ want to drop the current legal limit even further, saying it will go a long way to reinforcing the idea that drinking and driving is a bad idea - I just can't agree with that logic. Most people caught DUI in New Zealand are often measured at more than twice the legal limit. I fail to see how that figure changing to three times the legal limit will do much more than make the government more money. Recidivist offenders are the problem here, not those who keep below the existing drink driving blood alcohol levels.

My own brushes with the law have, fortunately, been few and far between. The last time I was stopped for exceeding the speed limit was over eight years ago - Yes, I've been effectively neutered. Funnily enough my two most stressful run in's with the law involved IG.

The first time I was 'radar'd' - IG admitted to seeing the Cops in the distance. Later, when asked why he didn't say anything IG looked embarrassed before stating "I was just working out how much the fine was going to be".

The second time, a Cop stopped me for not coming to a complete stop at a "Stop Sign". When I got out of my car to talk to the Officer I had no idea why I was being pulled over.

"You failed to stop at that Stop Sign back there sir" he said

"He did stop" - offered IG, before I could say a damn thing. This statement obviously raised the ire of the Cop who said in a loud voice "NO... he didn't".

I hurriedly intervened, stating that I was unaware of my actions, and would take more care to stop completely in the future.

The Cop looked down over his moustache, and weighed up the evidence before saying "Well just make sure from now on - let the car roll ever so slightly backward after you stop - that way you know you have completely stopped"

Breathing a sigh of relief, and having avoided a ticket, my calm was shattered an instant later by IG immediately stating "BUT HE DID STOP". It was obvious from that point onward that IG and I had no psychic connection; unless, as I mentally projected SHUT THE FUCK UP with all my will, he simply elected not to hear me....

Actually, I wouldn't put that past him .....

Cellphone Salesman

This totally got to me.



It's amazing how music can touch you this way.

What to do next

They always seem to think that decisions are always easy to make.

Consider what you think justice requires, and decide accordingly.
But never give your reasons;
for your judgment will probably be right,
but your reasons will certainly be wrong.
~Lord Mansfield

Sometimes they couldn't be more wrong.

Watch Dead Like Me

Not so much a subtle reminder to Di, rather a heads up on a really funny show.
Rent it sometime soon - You wont regret it.



Ok Di - maybe I wasn't being so subtle after all. :)

Why I love Emma Thompson

Smart, sexy, and absolutely no bullshit whatsoever.



Example from here;

"The corporate image is a strong thing but it also has a lot of weaknesses. And one of its weaknesses is its own solipsism, its own narcissism. Corporations have a deeply narcissistic quality. Of course they do, because they are to do with the consumer society which is only about developing people’s narcissism. That is what we live in and we have to face that fact head on.

“It’s not funny at all that we do all that advertising for children. Why is advertising for children allowed? What possible reason can there be for having those effing adverts on ITV for all this crap that’s made by poor people in poor countries that we sell our children who have too much? [Throws up her hands and looks almost embarrassed] Sorry, I can’t stand the hypocrisy of it. And, actually, in the end, for me the only way of going about it is to say, ‘You’re morally bankrupt. So let’s see whatever cases and forms and organisations we can evolve that work better. Because you, chums, are fucked. And you’re fucking us.'"

Bonus points for both the very public use of the word "fuck", and the word "solipsism" (which I had to look up). If a woman like Emma ever said she loved you, you better fucking well believe it mister!

I'm fine. Just angry.

If I were to try and consolidate my thoughts of late, I'm sure I'd go mad during the process. I'm sure I wouldn't keep cutting off my nose to spite my face, if i didn't studiously keep gluing it back on afterward. The same traps I allow myself to fall into, are severely starting to get me down. It's like I'm suffering some sort of mental malady that ensures I follow the same tortured path time and time again - in hope that an outcome will be different. So when it isn't, and I'm just the littlest bit surprised, I just wonder how many more times i have to learn this lesson.

Anger at my inability to move on, I cant help but wonder if this is as good as it gets - and that any attempt to do it differently will create an ever more intricate path to yet again the same outcome. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this.

The problem is, I know who I am - and I know I'm not ill. In the cold light of reality it's my heart that's causing the grief - and not my head. And there in lies the kicker.

Anyone for the tropics? I really need a holiday.

Outlook for Thursday.

So - it turns out today is an Alanis day.



How ironic.

Because nothing really changes

Connections and Perspective

I have trouble understanding those who like to quantify every special "unexplained" event in their lives, as a statistical probability. I believe, we create bonds with people we are very close to, and at times in our lives when we need them, they can make their appearance in one form or another.

The rare, out of the blue phone call from a friend or loved one, when you just happen to be thinking of them, is something that reinforces that belief in me; that there is more to our lives than a series of interconnected statistically definable events.

In this sterile age of technology, there is a tendency to explain away anything representing "magic" in our lives - but I'll take any wins I can get. That fact this sort of thing doesn't happen every day, just makes it more special, not merely more mathematically unlikely.

And if higher forms of technology add emails and texts to the list, who am I to argue. :)

Writing betterer

It's weird you know - recently I became aware that two people I know, (who I previously thought had it pretty much together) have self destructed.
Now - before those readers who know me jump to conclusions, I can assure you it's no one you know, and certainly no one who comes here.
The painful exercise to learn from this is this - "you are the only one that lives inside your head". If you don't ask for help, chances are you wont receive it. Period.
Conversely, some people who read this blog may be convinced I am a mess of insecurities, and while they may be correct :) , the mere fact I deal with these feelings, makes me a stronger person - hardening up only ever leaves a bigger mess when the walls come crashing down.
I know things have been a bit laid back around this blog lately; this is probably because the things that are really occupying my mind, can't be discussed here. Yes - because too many people here know me. It is that simple.

Changing the subject ever so slightly, Di and I were discussing Sidestepping Real the other day. I wish I could write more like her - I'm not sure what it is about her writing - upon reflection it's probably that she CAN write. To me, I see something between the lines in her work. It's as if she puts ideas within my grasp, leaving me some degree of latitude so I can relate to what she's saying.
I, on the other hand pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve (writing wise), and spoon feed it to those of you that drop by to read it. [Did I mention I really love that you all drop by - I do, believe me]
My eventual point is, like in a twisted version of Jack Nicholson's speech from As Good as it Gets - She makes me want to be a better writer. With that comes the promise of more honesty, and possibly, a mental breakdown or two on the way, as I work out how. :)

On a more cryptic note, I've also come to the conclusion that two months is two months too long, and that is all I have to say about that.

So much off my chest tonight, and that really is the point of this whole blog "thingy". If we choose to evolve as a person, we need to challenge ourselves, and take the next step in our life journey. Wherever those baby steps may take us.


Phew - too much for a Sunday night!

It was a kind of magic

My musical taste has been all over the place lately. This weekend, for example, I've been listening to Queen.

I remember in the early 80's Queen's Greatest Hits was the album of choice. I still remember to this day, listening to News of the World for the first time; It blew me away. Later, when Freddie Mercury was "outed", the more staunch [read homophobic] kiwi males rubbished their music, but I never did. My biggest regret is that I never saw them live.

A few years later at Live Aid, they simply and utterly stole the show, and the legend of Queen was reborn.

When Mr Mercury departed this earth I felt we had lost something that would never be replaced in our lifetime - now, so many years later, I fear I may still be right.


First, a love song, as relevant to me today, as then;



And secondly at Live Aid in 85...



Brilliance!

Scale

Borrowed from Wikipedia.

No matter how significant our lives may seem, we're all stardust, people.

The two Antennae Galaxies (NGC 4038 on the left and NGC 4039 on the right) are a pair of interacting galaxies in the constellation Corvus that are undergoing a galactic collision. They are known as the 'Antennae' because the two long tails of stars, gas, and dust thrown out of the galaxies as a result of the collision resemble the antennae of an insect. The nuclei of the two galaxies are joining to become one supergalaxy. This is likely the future of our Milky Way when it collides with Andromeda.

Walls

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks.

So said Tom Petty, and today, so say I.

So much of what goes on around us, is coloured by our perception of the world. When everything is good, the world is a fun and exciting place to be - when we see the other side of the coin, it can be a different story.

They say you can learn to love something you merely "like", but I want to disagree. I just wonder if that's the main problem. Perhaps acceptance of that idea is something I can't accept.

Some of us are "wired" to spend more time in our own heads - for some of us it's a fact of life, and for others it's a place rarely visited, and never missed. For me, the struggle is to determine what is "real" and what is merely wishful thinking. [At this point I hasten to add I don't live in an imaginary world - what I'm trying to get across here is our individual perception of the world around us, and how much that perception is removed from the norm].

I believe our different views of the world make us interesting as individuals - I often wonder if this perception extends to the literal. Is the colour I see as red, perceived as green by another? It would surely explain some peoples colour coordination :)

Over the years my intuition has been spot on, but lately I wonder if it hasn't been off a little, perhaps because my own wants and desires have muddied the waters. For some time now I feel I have been at the mercy of many external factors, and while my life has moved on with both wins and losses, I wonder why I'm not happy with the overall path I've been following.

Or I could just be having a bad day.

This just makes me angry

Prison Camps where prisoners have no legal rights under the country that hold them.
CIA torture flights to Romania and Afghanistan.
An Administration that lies to its people.

And other western countries that buy into the myth's instead of the facts.



I'm not as green as I am cabbage looking. Yes - I believe there are people who strive to undermine our way of life, and yes - we should fight to preserve the life we have; but not at the expense of the truth.

I'm waiting for more information for confirmation , but I think Australia owes this man an apology. Anything else strikes me as arrogance, an arrogance that doesn't represent the Australian people I know personally, at all.

Usurped

So - There were 3 sons
I used to be number one son.
Then number 3 son got married.
And I got bumped to 2.
Then the married son had a child.
Not just any child - but a grandchild!




Still I held my position at 2.
Until number 2 brother brought home a girl last week.
And I got bumped to 3.

It's tough at the top - but this little fella's a flash in the pan. I will return!




Just you wait and see :)

Aqua Karma

Ive been surprised at the small things in life that can bring a smile to me.
A month ago, one of the light bulbs in my bedroom blew, and every time I now turn on my bedroom light I'm bathed in an orange glow from the one remaining bulb, which in my humble opinion is very conducive to sleep. I know I should replace both bulbs with lower wattage variants, but I'm wary that the resulting change will ruin the outcome of the effect. This is commonplace with me.

[The chorus of "Get over it" from cyberspace is deafening - Yes I know]

It's just that I'm reluctant to change things I like; to trade them in for something different or new. That among other reasons is why I drive the same car as I did over 7 years ago, why I hardly sell anything, and why I look after everything I own as well as I can: I don't let go easily.

So with that in mind - I more or less let life happen to me, rather than rush out and wrestle what I can out of it. In saying that - I'm no pushover. I do take the opportunities life avails me, but I prefer not to push it - preferring instead to let life wash over me - and seeing what sticks. A type of aqua-karma if you will :)

It may not be the assertive way to get what you want, but I have a pretty good life, and I'm
happy with who I am. I guess that I believe things happen to me for a reason.
All this being said, I can think of two specific instances when I should have pushed through myself and been a little more someone else. When we (much) later recognise times like this it's important to remember, regardless of our time here on earth, we are "works in progress".

Maybe a second chance isn't the opportunity to make the same mistake twice.

I wouldn't put money on it tho :)

Nope - I've got nothing

Writers block - grrrr

Anything is better
Than the monotony
Of a life not lived.

(and you can quote me on that).




Love the bit -

I'll give up everything I own for you
I'd have a piece of nothing pie.

Classic Kiwi Rock.

Haiku musings

I used to write poetry.
Very bad poetry.
One day I will talk to Fonmeister or NFG, find the best - and post it.

In the meantime I have been hunting the web playing with Haiku. I love it's purity of structure. Simply stated anything goes - just 5 then 7 then 5 syllables.

Included are some I've written , and some I've stolen from the web, to protect the innocent.

Here we go.

Sitting gathering
Counting every syllable
Keeps my mind busy

Don't take on so much
Your cross never burdens me
Need you to hear me

We need to argue
That will get us nowhere fast
Stops it getting real

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Suffer for your soul
Too many ways to trade it
For nothing at all

Fight Club on my mind
His name was Robert Paulson
Shame he had to die

You didn't know me
As well as you thought you did
Blind without reason

The Lohan-Spears Show

You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns
When they all come down and did tricks for you
You never understood that it ain't no good
You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you.
You used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulder a siamese cat
Aint it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where its at
After he took from you everything he could steal.

-Bob Dylan

Yes - that is Patricia Arquette from Medium :)

Superficial Censorship

Although this video may typify Hollywood, I can't help but think that this a lot more common than we'd care to admit.



Today I was going to post about Green Days version of John Lennon's Working Class Hero - but I couldn't find a version on Youtube with the word "fuck" in it. And the "fuck" was kinda important - if you know what I mean. Watch the neutered version by all means - but try and find the other version if you can. Somethings are worth swearing about - not least the conflict in Darfur.

The dark art of staying single

I'm risking it all and buying a lounge suite from Brew King.

How, could that in any way scare of any potential dates - you may ask?
Answer: I'm thinking about buying a 3 seater couch and (gasp) two lay-z-boy's.

I chatted to Brew King today, in order to get the low-down, after Asquared announced to all and sundry that Lay-z-boys were for old bastards, and she wouldn't have them in her home.
Matt did confirm, that said chairs were popular with the 'younger set' in the more conservative south, but as one traveled up the island they became more a typical senior persons' purchase. I was stunned to say the least - having sat in the chair itself, reveling in the thought that it reminded me of James T Kirks command chair, I wondered to myself How could this not be cool?

So - a life time of solitude, or Kirk's chair. What would it be?

I guess I have only one thing to say to anyone mad enough to want to get close to me ; "Love me - love my chairs". :)

C'mon now, It's my turn in the chair Jim

Thinking is bad.

I've been thinking this weekend, specifically about the challenges in becoming a real grown up; how you life suddenly takes on a different dimension, and you have to start thinking of others before yourself.

I guess that an obvious example would begin with your own family. Your life becomes so much more complicated when you have to consider that the outcomes of your decisions affect not only you, but those most dear to you. Just the thought of that would send me into a sort of mini paralysis - unwilling to make major changes without weighing up the alternatives to the nth degree. Maybe not... what do i know... I've never been there.

Married with children?
I still stand in awe of you guys.
My life is simple by comparison; although it could do with being a little more complicated every now and again.
I need to be kept on my toes.

My Nelson family

This morning I rose at 5am to catch a flight to Nelson.

Asquared is 40 on the 2nd of August, but over a month ago her Mum and I conspired to have a 40th that I could attend. So here I am in (not so) sunny Nelson.
Tonight (after early birthday celebrations) I lie in bed, posting. Full of white and black Sambuca, my hands glide over my keyboard like they are possessed. I will pay for this tomorrow - rest assured.

I sat around a table of people I see once a year, but some who I have known for over 10 years: Asquared for well over 20 years.
It's funny - these people I know and love - yet no one in my normal circle knows them - like a separate family I have here. I am lucky indeed.

So I chat with Dennis - A father who so scared me half to death as a 17 year old when I sat in my car - outside his house talking to his daughter in the 80's. No longer.
I sing with Denise , his wife, and set up their Karaoke machine: I regret it not.
I talk with sisters and friends all night long - never measuring words: Accepted for who I am: I belong here in some small way.

Asquared - I don't know if you come here, but if you do, I have to say I love being a part of your life, and I cherish the brief times we spend together. The hangovers, however, I could do without! :)

Happy 40th birthday luv.

M.

Fairy Tales

I remember the scene below from French Kiss;

Kate: Do you believe in love? The kind that lasts forever?
Luc: I loved my mother.
Kate: No, everyone loves their mother. Even people who say they hate their mothers love their mothers. My question is, one man for one woman?
Luc: It is not a very interesting question. It is the question of a little girl who still believes in fairy tales.

So - do you believe in fairy tales?

Fish doesn't believe in soulmates, and although I don't hang on her every word, I have to admit the idea of that kind of love for another has become distinctly less popular outside of romantic literature. It's easier to be cynical I guess. Proving a cynical person wrong simply elicits another cynical response - so you really don't win, do you?

I'd like to believe in it all, and although that part of me still remains, contrary winds have done their best to eroded my faith somewhat over the years. Still - I think you really have to be open to the possibility of a love being greater than the sum of its parts - right?


Damn straight!

The five stages of internet dating

Everything you need to know about Internet dating in five stages;


I don't need this crap. How dare you think I do? If you leave me alone I'll try it, but realistically there's no chance it will work. Imagine if I met someone special, wouldn't that be lovely? Then again, it's not really me - is it?

If I knew all this six months ago I wouldn't have bothered. And although it may be unrealistic, I prefer to believe in people more, not less.

Fish has a post on Internet dating, and although I can see her side of the argument .....

"My friends would describe me as laid back..." Yawn! Or, "I'm just an average guy..." Click! If you don't think you're special, why should I? If you truly are nondescript (and honestly, I have a hard time believing that anyone is entirely quirk-free), you totally deserve the kind of girl who would be intrigued by such a statement. May the lord bless you with a houseful of talentless children.

...I hate the fact that you have to super-sell yourself to an audience, when in reality someone should just like you for being you - not some 150% version of you. But who really gets to know you via Internet dating? I suggest no one does. You are what you write.

Then again Internet dating is very superficial - good manners are simply non existent. I would say that if the behaviour on dating websites was mirrored in real life we wouldn't even get past a first date, let alone a second.

When you feel yourself leaning the same way, and following a group mentality of behaviour, it's time to cut free, and if necessary, come to grips with the opportunities of love won and lost, by simply dealing with it; regardless of what future outcomes life may have in store for you.

Angry? Bitter? Resigned?

Most possibly.

Out of control posting today.

My last post for today - I promise. I guess i just needed some balance, to what has been a mixed couple of days.

I downloaded this audio on iTunes the other day, and it's been on constant rotation on my ipod since. I'm currently learning the bass line( from this link), which totally rocks. With the volume wound up on my home stereo, I can but stand in awe of the guy who came up with this piece of magic. You just don't hear this every day. Michael McDonald - you are a bloody genius, and to those of you who say he ruined the Doobie Brothers, I say bollocks - he raised them to a new level, and another audience.

Forgive the Bollywood video - just listen to the music - no pun intended :)

Inside my head

I found this - and today it fits me to a "T".
Click this link for a live version of the song I cant embed - it's worth a look.

I listen to my words but
they fall far below
I let my music take me where
my heart wants to go

My fix

Tonight I had a nice dinner with NFG, and it seems to me now, that around two months of conversation has been exorcised in one evening. Don't get me wrong - it's a good thing; It just left me a little flat tis all.
After too much time in my own mind, an evening of stimulating discussion with a dear friend is just the ticket, when your normal daily interaction doesn't push you in the direction you desire.
But - like all things great things, they come to an end. You find yourself coming down from some kind of a fix - I guess when you spend time doing something you love, with someone you love, It's hard to fill the parts in your own life when you suddenly notice them missing.
This is a realisation that used to take me a while to come to. No longer.
I'll miss my friend in the two months it will take to juggle our respective dance cards, and meet again; it's that simple.

Maps

Such emotion, and power, without a "Michael Bolton" in sight.
And for that, we can be but thankful.

Kevin Smith

I was discussing Clerks II with IG the other day. I've followed Kevin Smith's films since Clerks - I've seen him craft his art, get smarter in his story telling and directing; his writing in Chasing Amy was sublime, and his movies "look" better and better each time.

But this isn't a Kevin love fest - I'm a little disturbed where he takes us, and although that's to be expected with all his films, it's just lately, the dark places seem a little forced, pushed a little too far. It's like he has to make a point, but I'm not sure he knows what point he really wants to make. Perhaps he's worried about becoming some sort of sellout - destined to spend the rest of his life signing copies of his movies outside video rental stores in the malls he loves so much.

I'm sure if he ever read this he'd say something like "Fuck Mark - it's just a motherfucking movie bitch. Deal with it." Kevin - I am, it's just hard sometimes.

Take Clerks II. This film has a great heart, the interaction between Dante and Randal is brilliant and touching at times. The go kart scene, with the best nod to Butch Cassidy I've ever seen, was just lovely to watch; it really touched me. But Kevin, what the hell was the donkey show for. Fart jokes just get harder to pull off I guess.

To be fair I've yet to watch Catch and Release or Jersey Girl - I want to, I really do, but the biggest part of me just wants to see what he does without the darkness. Maybe it's just me - but I can't believe it's not in there somewhere - waiting to catch me unawares. And Liv Tyler seems such a lovely girl.....

In the meantime I'll keep watching - if just to hear what you really want to say; and yes - even if it's really about donkeys.

Dashboard Confessional - Stolen

I kinda like this clip .
I like the idea that some friendships are destined to be, even if that goes against my inner, more logical voice. :)

Awards

Tonight my company is having a black tie awards dinner.

Although five lucky winners will be honoured for various categories, fifteen will be also-ran's.
Of course for the rest of us, there is no reward - perhaps because the work we do just isn't sexy enough, or more likely because of the politics of the business. Sometimes you have to accept that life is a popularity contest, and most days only the cool kids get noticed.

It's not that I believe in some sort of communism, where we all should get a reward - you shouldn't get anything special for turning up to work, or living a life for that matter.

It's just that I see so many people giving so much of their energy and time going the extra mile, never being rewarded. The funny thing about all this, is that every once and a while someone who really makes a difference does get noticed and we can all celebrate that - his reward is shared by all the other average joe's in some way. I like that.

So to all of you out there, where ever you are, who tirelessly go the extra mile when others don't - to those who quietly achieve and never seem to get noticed, there is a small group of those around you who realise the good work you do. And even if all that never leads to a shiny award, know you have the respect of those that really matter - your peers.

Do I sound bitter ? I hope not.

50 year storm my arse!

Cows debate the size of their new swimming pool.

Over the last few days, hurricane winds have lashed at the Northern region of New Zealand, leaving many people without power and communications. I, on the other hand have begun life as some sort of quasi-vampire, sleeping during the day, only to rise when the sun goes down.

Right now, for example; I'm sitting in our National Maintenance Centre, keeping an eye on all our sites, trying to keep as much of our network running as possible. Yesterday Gary and I worked a 22 hour day, but tonight things have calmed down a lot, and we will probably get home after 6am.

I feel for those people who have lost power, sitting in the dark for nearly two days now. And these are just the folks around the suburbs of Auckland. I'd imagine some further north will be without power for a week, perhaps longer.

I count myself lucky. When I eventually get home today, at least I'll still manage to have a hot shower. Sleeping through the day is a small part to pay for that creature comfort.

Cyndi sings

I'm a little bummed that this was the best version of this song I could find on video.
It just goes to show that Cyndi Lauper was more than a multi-coloured hairstyle.

Youtube banned my video , but I have a link here;

There's something that I never told
When I find myself slipping off of my pedestal
I'm a fierce believer afraid to fall.

Wilf Pettigrew

Sometimes we believe our own press, and never push our luck to succeed. Although we can make a difference to those who surround us, those of us with the skills to do more should make an effort to do so. To do less would be a crime against our potential.

This was especially true of my Grandfather, who died many years ago. My mum and I talked about him just the other day. She happened to mention he was a great singer - although in the whole time I knew him I never recall him once sing.

I remember him as always being old - white hair and a small comb-over; a route thankfully I never followed when heredity came knocking on my door. I also remember his limp, an injury he carried all his life from a fall from a tree in his childhood: they fused his hip and knee straight, so they couldn't bend - that way he could learn to walk - in a fashion. Back then i guess there was a price to pay for your actions.

Years later, when I was 10 years old, I remember standing behind him while he worked at his desk fixing things - he had a funny way of breathing that's hard to explain now: but I still remember it. It was like he never breathed out - just in.

He was a very intelligent man, a pioneer in SSB radio, back when radio itself was a black art, yet he didn't make millions from his knowledge; a Justice of the Peace, he often worked as a volunteer for the blind, amongst many others, in what remained of his spare time.
I think his earlier brush with death must have tempered the need to push his luck, because he worked for the same department store all his life, learning about technology as it arrived...washing machines and dryers, then TV's; first black and white, then Colour. He actually brought TV to the remote region he lived in, by hobbling all over Mount Rochford looking for a signal to "send on" to Westport.
When he retired the owner replaced him with someone much less, whom he paid much more - such is loyalty measured.

He was a staunch grandfather - I don't think he really understood his role completely, but he still fostered a love of technology in myself and my two brothers; one who is a electrical designer, the other who owns an automotive electrical business, and me - a cellular engineer, perhaps the closest to his own love of radio. My biggest regret is that he never saw what I became, because now, years later, we would have had a bridge over which to communicate.
I'm sure he would marvel at what we can do today - the technology - things he would have never imagined; back as a child, holed up in bed with a broken hip - dreaming of the magic of radio.

Welcome to the Internet Wilf - you would have loved it here :)

Just the Rules

There's a lot guys aren't really supposed to do.
They're not allowed to think to much, be too open... the list goes on.

Obviously there are places where we can think, talk, and express ourselves without being shot down - music seems to be a genre that allows such behaviour in public.

I've blogged about this before here, but someone has posted a clip of 41 Shots on Youtube, and this is exactly why I have to see Bruce Springsteen live, before I die.

Harden up - not

The New Zealand culture of "hardening up" when it comes to certain issues in our lives, carries through to some statistics we shouldn't be proud of - we are a world leader in male suicides.

In the past I've been guilty of giving John Kirwan some stick; mostly because he dared to play for Auckland. Years later, with the benefit of wisdom, I see he's a man to admire and support. We need more of his type - not less. Yes - even if he did play for Auckland.

Don Henley Day

The more I know the less I understand.

Given a chance of happiness, why do we look at what makes us happy, and suspect that life has some ulterior motive for its good will, and therefore is very possibly about to pull the carpet from beneath our feet.

Sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown kicking the football. Given the opportunity to really kick it, will I do so, or stop at the last minute because I can't believe Lucy won't pull it away?




Perhaps, I get most of my joy from seeing others in happy situations, ultimately feeling uncomfortable being in that place myself ? I know we all deserve to be happy, but I wonder if part of our drive toward ultimate happiness comes from the fact that we are still trying to attain it?

Yeah - I know - pretty deep for a Wednesday.

A non-cheese dream

So, I say to myself, "This is my life" - as a house.

The walls aren't square and the wall linings are different thickness's. There are nails everywhere - and they're not evenly spaced. In fact they are dotted all over the wall linings. Oh yes - and the nails - they're all 6 feet long. I know this because I decide to pull one of them out to start 'fixing things'.

This was my crazy dream from last night. I got to see my life thus far rendered as a structure - This has to be the most vivid (non cheese) dream I've ever had.

So - I look and critique the 'house' I've built over 40 years, and I'm not happy - especially about the all the nails - there are literally thousands; like someone has decided to create a pattern or image with all of them. The problem is I can't stand back far enough to see - I just transfix on the nails themselves.

And don't ever get me started about the different thickness of wall linings - how do I fix that?

My faceless female 'helper' in this dream tries to say that my 'house' just needs a few minor adjustments. In my dream I'm more convinced that a better idea would be to bowl the house down and start again, but the dream ends with my 'helper' putting her arm over my shoulder and walking with me toward the kitchen with some suggestions over a few ideas for a new pantry she's be working on.

I know; I should come with some kind of warning label :)