Gentleman have to live with themselves

Probably why I'm still single; I refuse to compromise.

This rule, and so many more from here

Momentum

MarkJ and Sandy:
London 1989

I have a good feeling about this year. I really cant quantify why this particular year should be any better than the last couple - I just have a feeling that after some time things are progressing again.

I think it's been fair to say that catching up with NFG was very much a mixed blessing. The good was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that; the bad was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that. :)

I've loved very few women, and when you know those emotions mean something - it's hard to let them go overnight. In many ways I'll never be over her - I suspect that she probably thinks I hate her - but she was always wrong about that. Sure I was sad and disappointed, but it would have been a monumental move for her and I respect her choice. Any other reaction would have been infantile on my part. When John Lennon once said "All you need in Love" - he couldn't have been more wrong. Relationships are also about time, place, and responsibilities.

I can write this now - two years later on, because I suspect she no longer visits this place. I wish there was a way of turning off these emotions - so in someway we could remain friends. Once upon a time I thought I could do just that - but I couldn't have been more wrong. Part of me would have died inside. I suspect life may yet have more in store for us - but what that may be is outside of my control and may always be.

Still, through all the emotional highs and lows we had a perfect moment in time. Fate conspired to put us in the same time and place, and for the longest time I thought it would be enough.
I know I was lucky to love her, and to have that amazing emotional connection. It serves to remind me that such things are possible in life, and one day may be again.

So - I am moving on. Casting off, settling sail; I suspect it will still take time to gain momentum - but in part my journey is already starting.

And believe me when I say that's no small thing. :)

Late night thoughts

Dear Life, the Universe and Everything.

Did you ever have one of those days when something amazing happened that totally blew you out of the water?
I'm just saying - It's been a while - but I'm ready for it when you are.

Cheers

Me.

Thanks but no thanks

I dont want to date.

Or perhaps, more correctly, I'm only interested in dating one particular person at present. She knows who she is.

I've felt this way for some time, and I've felt no desire to change my mind and date anyone else.

My friends dont subscribe to this particular point of view, and have tried to push me into dating.
I resisted, so they invited me to dinner, at the same time as another girl. And now they've done that they're about to do it again in a week or so.

In Notting Hill, when Hugh Grant is still getting over Julia Roberts, his friends try to set him up with all and sundry, under the guise of a dinner date. The dates range from the absurd to the ridiculous, yet at the end of the montage is a date with a perfectly lovely girl. The problem is, as nice as she is, she isn't Julia Roberts.

My problem is that I'm in love, and until I'm not in love any more, I don't really wanna go there.

In so many ways it would be easier to forget, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it takes time for that to stop I'm guessing.

Comments have been turned off on this post, and if you know me, I don't wanna talk about this. Period.

Dearest friends and parents - I've never been more serious.

In the meantime have a lovely week, I'll be working on that myself :)

Before Sunset

Driving through it all is an air of optimism - a faith that everything will sort itself out - that there is a sort of entropy in life.

If anyone wanted to undertake an understanding of what and who I am, "Before Sunset" would be required watching.
Three writers; two of which act in a movie filmed in real time (the other directing), Before Sunset, is a journey of hope and discovery. A piece of magic in what can be a cold, bland, and colourless world. If you watch it - and get it - you get me.


Three points I love.

Desire is the fuel of life.
A memory is never finished as long as you are alive, and finally;
The thought that when you are young you'll believe there are many people you'll connect with. Later in life you'll realise it only happens only a few times.

If you have a romantic bone in your body - rent it. Just make sure you watch Before Sunrise first, if you haven't already.

Currently playing

I'm not a huge Hunters and Collectors Fan, but of late I've warmed to lead singer Mark Seymour's "daytime and dark" album. Stripped down songs that sing to me and my acoustic guitar. Music is a lovely thing to make, even if you're not good enough to be a professional as such.

Come on confess your confusion
Spread it around
They trickle down your cheeks tears fall
Like seed on barren ground
Your thoughts are scattered
Like paper everywhere
Tiny pieces of laughter and despair

Decisions decisions

Sighted - a 'tween in a music store.
Forcing herself to decide between Justin Bieber and a Glee soundtrack.
Time stood still; her purchase in the balance.
I turned away smiling, thinking how great it would be
for life to be that simple again.

Looking Past the Obvious

I'm a sucker for this kind of sound.

I think that like this clip, in life you have to look beyond whats in front of you. You've got to want something more than what you see; either that or forever doomed to be nothing more than a Muppet.

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

I cant stress how important that last bit in italics is to me these days.

The next big thing

I remember how outwardly idealistic I was once,

I remember how one of my workmates said he'd kick his son out of home if he was gay.
I remembered getting into an ever increasing argument telling him what a fuckwit he was.
That part will never die.

I remember watching a mate dragging another out of girls room at a party
Because it wasn't his girlfriend's

I remember barricading the doors at work from non union worker trying to get in during a strike. I was shitting myself, but I wasn't alone.

I remember dancing with Georgia before she could walk. Later I remember reading stories to her. I remember her smiles and screams of joy reading "The Bear" story.

I remember when everything seemed so much more important, that the things we did were pivotal in some way. Things seemed mostly larger than life. Maybe it's just the hindsight talking.

Over time people mellow. We see the benefits in compromise, we curb our excesses, we grow up. Most of the time it's a good thing, but I guess I'm still looking for the next big thing - something to raise that emotion; bring back the flavor of life.

I wonder what it will be, and how soon it will take to get here....

Decision-fest

There are many types of decisions.

There are those that run the gamut from quivering in anticipation, all the way through to a denial that lasts your whole life.

It's always more comfortable to make the decisions that lie in the middle ground, but after a while the safe ones pale to insignificance - even the ones that hurt you a little. Every now and then you just have to make a really good decision, or an equally bad one, to know you're really alive. The trick is knowing when, what and where to make the decisions that matter.

No - I haven't worked that particular formula out yet; I just tend to wait too long - it's just safer that way.

Every now and again, when you're about to make a decision you're unsure of, there's a slight pause in your thinking. Like a younger version of yourself about to jump off a tall cliff into a deep waterhole. You know it's going to scare the hell out of you, that you might not even survive, yet you understand the juxtaposition of the cliff and the waterhole leave you little choice. They were put there for this purpose - this moment in time, so you could jump. And like this metaphor, so is life.

You jump, you fear, you fall. But if your timing's right, or even a bit late (as in my case), you know as soon as you jump, that you were on the money all along.

You jump the tracks, take a different tack, and your life could change forever. The less we fear the leaps, the more faith we'll have, and maybe we'll get to where we ought to be in this life.

As someone said to me yesterday. "It's important to look before you leap, but it's equally important to leap as well".

Eventually a lot of us never get to the second part.

The wisdom of the Bob

Who the hell cares what anyone else thinks.
Just look into your heart,
and do whatever the hell makes you happy.

Just saying

Thinking that 2010 I'm going to try on a few changes to see how they fit :)

Have a great Christmas guys - I'm flying down to Dunedin on the 25th, so my next post will have a southern spin to it.

Yep yep yep yep

I eat well these days; I tend to cook rather than take out more often than not.
I don't drink as much as I did, and I know what cholesterol and GI are
I'm buying a house.

Tonight I turned on the TV, looked at the shows on offer, and turned it off.
I had to work later tonight, and because i was wasted after a hectic 8 hours at work, I slept for 2 hours instead.

All these decisions may on the surface seem innocuous, but if you dive below the detail you come to realise its just you're getting to old for this shit...

And that depresses the fuck out of me :)

Where's Wall-E?

Predicted Future



The here and now


image source here

This has motivated me to start running once again.......

Utterly Falling Down

Now I would be the first to admit that Oasis are a gormless load of twats, but this particular song resonates with me somewhat.

Could it be the image of someone utterly living a lie?
Could it be the image of someone utterly miserable living a lie?
Could it be the fact that the girl concerned is utterly stunning?
Could it be that I'm getting old; and therefore prone to forget what sorry excuses for human beings Noel and Liam are?

Or could it be all of the above?

So, against my better judgment Oasis - Falling Down; and remember - one swallow does not make a spring.

Stuff I wish they'd told me

But they didn't


Laura Roslin: My only concern about you, is that you're so hell bent on doing the right thing, that you sometimes don't do the smart thing.
Lee Adama: Well - I'll try and be smarter, and wronger...

So, here's to being smarter and wronger ! :)

Back to the bard

I may have posted this before.
I am nothing, if not consistent

Simple emotions call for simple tunes.



And as always I love the bridge

I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen,
I seem to lose the power of speech,
Your slipping slowly from my reach.


Happy weekend folks

Run

Sometimes a cigar isn't always a cigar. Heard this at Matts a week or so back - it's really growing on me.

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Sleeping and my Head

Another type of nightmare entirely

The first two nights back have been interesting to say the least.

On the first I dreamt I had entered into an arranged marriage.
I tried my hardest to be happy; after all she was a lovely girl, but at the end of the day I just had to admit my heart belonged to someone else - and no one else would do. But she was my wife, and she loved me, so in my dream I remained regardless.

In the morning I awoke with such a feeling of dread, it took almost all my energy to pull back the covers. Less than ten seconds later, when I realised it was all a dream I was so bloody happy...

Last night however, a different dream was delivered. This time I dreamt I was with a girl I really cared about. It felt right in so many ways, and when I awoke it felt like the weight of the previous "dream" had been lifted from my shoulders; it took almost no energy to pull back the covers. Ten seconds seconds later .... well you get the idea.

The funny thing about all this is that my mind has a way of getting the important messages to me, even when I don't seem to listen. In this instance I think what my dreams are telling me, is to be true to myself, and not to accept something I know wont make me happy.

So; more of the single life for me I guess - and believe it or not I'm pretty happy with that decision, given the current climate.

Sorry Mum and Shars - I can hear your sighs from here :)

2009: Year of Happenstance

So - I am back in Auckland.
Now I'm here I cant help wonder what gems 2009 has in store for me here?

While some people harp on ad-nausium about making your luck (i.e. yours truly), it's also worth pointing out that luck can happen through other peoples action as well.

Not that I'm asking what you are going to do to make my 2009 memorable...

...but what are you going to do?

It's OK if it's a secret - I absolutely love secrets.

Haven't thought of anything yet huh . . . . . :)