I wonder how it ends? ...so says the button on Natascha McElhone's jersey in the movie The Truman Show.
"You know I've always wondered myself" said Jim Carrey, in one of his more lucid screen moments, as he holds the button between his fingers.
It's coming up seven years in Auckland now. I know that things have evolved here; it just seems I've finally managed to paint myself into a corner. That bothers me.
I've had more than a taste of what I could be here - it's rewarding, stressful and challenging; all at the same time. My boss tells me I wouldn't be happy if things slowed down - I'd just once like to try it and see if she's right.
I've started buying lottery tickets again - I can honestly say it seems my only way out - I cant do this work where I want to live - it doesn't exist there. Everything else does.
I listen to the people I worked with in my old job - they contract back to the company I work for now. I hear the stories of their day's and I see it all as clearly as if it was yesterday - not seven years ago. The same old stories - the same old drama. I know I cant go back to that work life - I understand I'm on another journey of discovery; I just wouldn't mind living in that little Edinburgh of the south if I could just find a way to make it fit.
So , I wonder how it all ends? You know, I've always wondered that myself.
Winter is normally a great time for me - I can sit in my home for days on end complaining about the bad weather. After all - if the days were fine and sunny I would have to work harder at excuses not to go outside and be sociable.
I am between projects - which is a tragedy of sorts, because with boredom comes apathy. Normally I have something to inspire me through the winter months, but at the moment: not so much. I have noticed a disturbing increase in the amount of inane chatter I have been subjecting myself to when alone - that was until I stopped to listen to what I was telling myself.
No - it wasn't "Kill them all" :)
It was, in point of fact "Get a Perm". And it was from this;
So, even my subconscious is now telling me to live a little , and who am I not to listen. But I'm not going alone - I'm taking you guys all down with me....
So don't just stand there - Get a Perm !
I will post updates shortly with more instructions from the subconscious. Don't forget to remove your tin foil hats periodically to receive my updates :)
Well... obviously I'm often wrong on a daily or at least a weekly basis; so I guess what I'm hinting at here was some higher "degree of wrongness".
Having an elevated degree of wrongness provides that whole "it's nice to know every now and again when I err it can become a complete clusterfuck" kinda feeling . It's also comforting to know that my errors are not always minor or trivial in nature. :)
OK - if I was to stand back and look at the situation through a less critical eye, I could probably admit it wasn't "that wrong", and that I was mostly "right" . But the fact I felt bad about the whole situation probably betrayed the fact I could have done better. I'd be lying to myself by making this picture too grey in nature.....
You know the one great thing about making mistakes? You live - you learn. And maybe, just maybe, every now and again an old dog can learn a new trick.
A few things yet to come, including a post about mostly being wrong, and still having trouble admitting it. Perhaps, yet another less interesting saga about the dangers of burnout, but not right now...
For now is just a short note to sing the praises of getting away from normal surroundings, and spending time with people you've known long enough to call family.
That and copious glasses of red wine... Friends and wine mixed with laughter - 'tis the stuff worth living for.