Sunday, January 29, 2006

Weekends with Tumorboy.

Suffering from writers block, I visited Tumorboy and Scrabble Queen for a catch up chat. Scrabble Queen checked out my profile on findsomeone and gave it the two thumbs up, whilst Tumorboy told me of his run in with a Wilson Parking guy who was not nearly as intelligent as the parking booth he sat in. Seem's that a prominent Auckland hospital allows you a free 30 minutes on your parking ticket before charging - which I find remarkable - given the cost of parking in this city.

Anyhoo.... Tumborboy takes his car into said car park to find there are only 2 minute parks outside the hospital for dropping off patients. Not wanting to be towed he parks in the (only other) general car park only to be charged $3 when leaving 15 minutes later. Get this - the parking booth guy says that he gets charged $3 because he parked in the car park. When Tumorboy tells him about the 30 minute free parking sign at the entrance to the car park the Wilson parking guy says that he should have parked in the 2 minute parks - as no-one ever gets towed from them. He then said that Tumorboy obviously didn't understand the 30 minutes free parking sign. The mind boggles.
I told Tumorboy that he absolutely must right the wrong, and by some means get his $3 back from the Hospital in one way or another. There must be a Yin to their Yang. The balance of the universe relies on such things. Suggestions are welcome....

The conversation then flowed like beer at Octoberfest, witty observations abounded, followed quickly by a great many farcical comments: a great many topics were discussed. In between Tumorboys left-cheek-squeeks and in spite of the resulting ongoing howls of protests from Scrabble Queen, we managed to solve all the worlds woes. But for the life of me, as I headed home, all the solutions we had discussed had, like the snow at the end of winter, dissolved to mush. I do remember the best bits involved frogs tho.......

Friday, January 27, 2006

And madness fell upon the land.

Rob: Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

Rob: She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me... At least I think she did.

Update: Scrabble Queen - I have posted the damn photo!

I am officially "out there"

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides

SweetP dropped in last night, and whilst chatting about her upcoming 1st date, surfed the findsomebody web site - helping me find "that" special person.
I would like to point out the "that" in no way measures up to "the" as in my previous post. "That" denotes the fact that this is a daunting and tiresome process - and four day's into Internet dating I'm beginning to feel jaded about the whole thing.

The whole first session you're online you think you're absolutely making progress- You get to be witty about your profile, waxing lyrical about youself and what you're looking for. The whole thing is new and exciting.

The second day you go in and see that the site has generated 100 hits for a potential match. Initially you want to be fair about the whole process - you start to look at all the profiles, taking each at their own merits. You carefully sort those who don't match you and behold! - more matches pop into view. For some strange reason I had hoped the process would have been more scientific.

Day three, you start you get smiles. Smiles are like small pop-up notes - telling you that someone is interested in you. If you're interested in them you can "smile" back. It's just like high school again - shudder....

So day four - and here I am. Ripping through profiles. Deleting some people for good reasons (must think God is the most important thing in your life) through to dubious ones (Not sure about wanting children or not).I feel shallow, pathetic and strangely - angry with myself. And the damn server mocks me by providing more matches.

So having got through the today without killing anyone (have come close), and not jumping out my window at work, I have come to the conclusion that the reason I'm a bit miffed is that it's not supposed to be this way. Damn it - Are you supposed meet your future wife on a Internet website?

Or perhaps online dating is the new Saturday night dance?

I raised this with Cloey - a work mate. I asked him, if when he went to the dance halls of old , with an onion tied to his waist (as was the fashion of the day), if raising the heels to the Charleston was a better way of meeting a life partner? I could imagine the scene (I offered).... riding to the community hall a-top the family oxen. Holding "his" lump of coal for the pot-belly stove. The lanterns and the garlic around the windows to ward off evil spirits. I mean... if you squinted and looked just so..... you could possibly see Peter Cushing in pursuit of Christopher Lee.

Needless to say he was not amused by my images of 70's New Zealand, but he did tell me how he met his lovely wife. And a lovely story it was too - well worthy to tell the children it was.

If I do meet someone on this web site - methinks I must concoct a tall tale indeed to put them off the trail.

Come Watson, the hunt is on!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Magic of the "the"

So.... now I'm a member, I have been looking around the Find Somebody web site, and have been shown the first 100 matchings. Frankly I believe the matching program must be a bit screwy because God knows there aren't 100 women out there who could put up with me! I suspect I may need to look at ammending my profile - and NO - no one here gets a link to that.

With these interweb dating thingies you get to send "smiles", which is way way cheaper than sending flowers - but I guess - just as stalky.

Now I haven't put a photo of myself up yet, the reasons are many and complex. If i was to dig through all the reasons and hazard a guess why, the answer would have to be either

a) To piss off Scrabble Queen.
b) Because I have to find "the" photo.

"The" is an understated word in the English language. Getting "the" car park right next to the entrance when you're late to the pictures. Finding "the" combination of fillings for that perfect Subway sandwich. In both these instances the "the" I'm talking about may not be the same thing next time. The second time you taste the magical combo you created - it just doesn't taste the same, and the sad fact is: it never will. Never underestimate the power of "the".

In no way do i think relationships are like this, in fact I'm glad they aren't. Imagine meeting "the" woman only to find the next day (or the next year) again the magical combo wasn't the same, and that the lovely woman you fell in love with was really a sadistic troll with tourette's syndrome.

Now I'm nowhere near jaded, but when someone says "Why get Married? - Just find a woman you hate, then buy her a house", I wonder if I'm on a hiding to nothing.

It's times like these I try to think of the happily married Tumorboy and Scrabble Queen, and the look of adoration on her face, as he "throws" the weekly scrabble game and lets her make the "victory" cup of tea at the end of the night. I of course, ignore the intervening hours when they almost come to blows over silly things like the time taken to make a move, or if the word is allowed. You cant beat that sort of entertainment, as a spectator to this I have to say it's unrivalled, perhaps going even as far to say: it's "the" best.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

The dreams of ordinary men

It's a strange feeling when you finally discover that strange place you live in has seemingly become your home - overnight.
Of course it's never that easy a discovery to take. It's the little things about living in a big city that sneak up on you - the kind of things that you don't notice until you head back to the smaller town you came from.
Noticing the lack of crowds and traffic in a smaller city are the obvious ones - and believe me when I say it's a pleasant shock. You make a few jokes, write a few blogs, and realise how much a slower pace of life in Dunedin agrees with the human soul.
So - I'm now two weeks back in Auckland, and I'm noticing that I'm not noticing the crowds of different ethnic origins again, and I'm not using a map book to drive around the city as much as I used to. It's a major concern to me that I may have come "home" after all.
So why the concern? This is the year I have given myself to make some decisions about weather to stay here for a longer term - or head back to "Dunnoz", having "been there - done that" in Auckland. My job is great - and that's why I'm here, BUT work isnt everything, and recently I have felt that I'm not making the traction I have had previously. On the good news front I am assured that things will be changing at work but the carrot on the stick only works for so long - so we will have to wait and see if those promises eventuate.
So in the meantime I only have to worry about "getting out there" in the dating scene - My Mum, Sharz, SweetP, and Scrabble Queen are all looking for suitable girls, and I hate to say it but all this has turned me from a moderately contented lad into a nervous wreck who has started to wonder if his biological clock has just begun to tick.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Icecream Girl's Sudoku

Hi Tamsin

Hope you are safe and sound back in the UK. Here's an easy puzzle for you.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Why I shouldnt go to jail - please.

Classic Stuff from :)

An "incompetent" burglar who was tackled by elderly members of a petanque club would never again be able to hold his head up among his criminal peers, his lawyer told Christchurch District Court today.

At sentencing today, Dearman's lawyer, Michael Knowles, urged Judge Michael Crosbie to regard the publicity and humiliation his client had suffered as a result of media attention as a mitigating factor.

Dearman had been pictured in media hog-tied and surrounded by elderly club members while they waited for police to arrive.

Mr Knowles said the incident had been embarrassing for Dearman's mother, who had dealings with the public, and the publicity had forced Dearman's partner to leave town.
Mr Knowles said a probation report indicated Dearman was taking longer than others to grow up.

Dearman had been the "laughing stock" of inmates at Christchurch Prison over the past week and would "never be able to hold his head up in criminal company again".

Odd one out?


I think now, looking back, we did not fight the enemy, we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. The war is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Elias will be, fighting with Barnes for what Rhah called "possession of my soul." There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two fathers. But be that as it may, those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again. To teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.


Topper, I was so young, just a schoolgirl. He was an older man, so wise in the ways of the world. He used to come around the schoolyard, day after day. I so admired his persistence. Even the restraining order my parents slapped on him was no deterrent. He opened my eyes to the arts: music, clog-dancing, WrestleMania. His work has meant so much to so many. And I owe him everything, Topper. Everything.


"At first, I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn't believe they wanted this man dead. Third generation WestPoint, top of his class. Korea, Airborne. About a thousand decorations. Etc, etc... I'd heard his voice on the tape and it really put a hook in me. But I couldn't connect up that voice with this man. Like theysaid he had an impressive career. Maybe too impressive... I meanperfect. He was being groomed for one of the top slots of the corporation.
General, Chief of Staff, anything... In 1964 he returnedfrom a tour of advisory command in Vietnam and things started toslip. The report to the Joint Chiefs of Staff and Lyndon Johnson was restricted. Seems they didn't dig what he had to tell them. During the next few months he made three requests for
transfer to airborne training in Fort Benning, Georgia. And he was finally accepted. Airborne ?
He was 38 years old. Why the fuck would he do that ?1966 he joined the Special forces, returns to Vietnam ..."

A Real Dead Man

Found this snippet on a supposedly dead Indian who has complained to his local Police that his family no longer recognise him as living.
Children screamed "Ghost! Ghost!" and villagers locked their doors when Raju Raghuvanshi returned from jail earlier this month to his village in Mandla district in the central state of Madhya Pradesh.

You want fingers with your combo?

A Santa Clara woman must be regretting her decision to place a severed finger in her "Wendys" chilli to extort a payout from the fast food chain. After a scam was revealed the woman, and her husband were yesterday sentenced to prison for nine years.

It should be pointed out that she now regrets the incident.

"I am truly sorry. I owe Wendy's and its employees an apology," a sobbing Ayala told the court. "Wendy's had always been my family's favourite fast food restaurant."

Having had Wendy's chilli I can categorically state it tastes just fine without the finger, and you're not missing out on anything.

I understand the woman has been involved in other scams with other fast food restaurants, hence the heavy sentence imposed.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

What the hell's in the water?

Its been a bizzare week so far - I'm beginning to think someone's been spiking the water we drink.

A sickness beneficiary caught on video breaking shop windows - by a member of the same group - for laughs. I cant think why this guy should receive a benefit - if he wants to spend his time breaking windows, the tax payer shouldnt have to pay for it....

Also this week a guy is shot dead for no apparent reason except he was running.

Here - we see a "top ten" speed camera that has dished out nearly 9000 tickets a year. Supposedly the camera was put there to stop people speeding - and they think its working????
Own up New Zealand these camera's are revenue gathering machines! - nothing more...

And finally a women bites her two dogs to stop them attacking a third dog.

What the hell is going on!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Dere's poetry in dem dere movies

Tyler's "borrowed" comment in the previous posting is too good to not have it's own post.

I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are just too bright... and when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice...but still, the place you live is that much more drab and empty that they're gone.

Steven King wrote the original story - and I wonder if this was in the book, or just the screenplay.

Either way, seeing this quote can make you a bit sad - especially when someone you work with decides to take a job in Melbourne with a rival company. Good luck Verapol - you will be missed.

On a more interesting note - perhaps if you have some favouite part of a scene in a movie you could include it as a comment. Avoid the obvious ones ok?

Monday, January 16, 2006

When headlines go bad.

Most idiotic headline from the Herald today.

Sperm unlikely to cross Tasman.

At 1 to 4 mm per minute a succesful crossing is indeed highly unlikely - what was I thinking?

Goes to show you now can believe everything you read in the mass media. I take all my previous comments "back".

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Things are not so bad after all

I "Googled" a report of a shooting of a teenager who confronted a SWAT team with a realistic "modified" BB gun that looked like a 9mm handgun and came across this page. Turns out the modification is simply painting the end of the gun black - it seems all toy replicas sold in the US must have the end of the barrel painted red to avoid incident.

I hope this website is just being sarcastic, as the data is very disturbing. There are a lot of people in the USA though - I wonder how many own guns?

God - I'm so glad only the serious criminals have guns here.........

America’s Shooting Gallery, 1.13

America’s Shooting Gallery is our daily look at all the gun violence ravaging the country. It’s ugly, but someone’s gotta see it.

* FL: Student threatens police SWAT team with modified pellet gun, gets shot for his trouble
* IL: Student among 3 hurt in shooting near South Side Chicago school
* MA: Police investigate shooting homicide in the “safest city in America.” Still think nothing’s wrong with the gun situation in this country?”
* MA: 18-year-old killed in Dorchester. Same killing or different from the Dorchester killing earlier this week? Who can tell anymore…
* MA: Teenager injured in shooting near schoolbus
* MI: Shots fired inside Detroit high school
* NC: Woman arrested in shooting
* FL: Three arrested in fatal drive-by shooting



I like this bit :)

Often Characterized by seahorses, children, and toys. Whimsy is usually lost by the age of 15 when it is replaced by emotions that are meant to be mature but are actually far more immature than whimsy.

Seahorses, children and toys? - Oh.. my.. god...

Dont know why - perhaps the humidity or the temperature - or perhaps a combo deal. Either way if the humidity doesnt drop my mood may move from whimsy to homicidal rage - like the feeling i get when I see that dropkick who does the $10 TXT promo for Telecom on TV.

Every time i see him I hope (against hope) that he never ever gets laid - he is ghastly I tell you - ghastly.

In the meantime I might just go restore another Ford Capri - arrrrghhhh - no.... thats just the masochism talking.

If i could just stop the bizzare dreams that always seem to come with the warmer temperatures. Normally I dont remember my dreams - and right now I could do with a bit more of that.

Peace out

Friday, January 13, 2006

Why pilots get the big dollars

Have a look at this tricky landing by a 747 into Hong Kong - then tell me these guys don't deserve decent paychecks!

Evolution by shoe

A potential class structure emerges... From people who choose to walk barefoot (even in winter) to those who wear Italian leather loafers.

Do not judge lest you be judged? Bugger that!

In the begining there was the foot.

And then came the Jandal

Then came the gyms shoe

Then the "proper" shoe

Can anyone tell me where the jandal and sock combo fits into the evolutionary tree? Or is simply genetic throwback?

Or what about the yuppy sportshoe wearer?

Thursday, January 12, 2006

God it's great to be a guy


Selected reasons:

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Movie trivia - name that movie.

Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiance. He was thirty-five years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit for his long, reputed soul mate; a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, it is a tapestry of events that culminate into an exquisite, sublime plan. Ask about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. Things were clearer for him, Kansky noted. Ultimately, Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe we must all possess a powerful faith, of what the ancients used to call fatum; what we currently refer to as destiny.

No cheating!!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

And so it begins

So...US troops break into a respected journalist's house in Iraq looking for insurgents - and take away all his video tapes he's using for a documentary on the "War against terror".

Ali Fadhil, who two months ago won the Foreign Press Association young journalist of the year award, was hooded and taken for questioning. He was released hours later.

The director of the film, Callum Macrae, said yesterday: "The timing and nature of this raid is extremely disturbing. It is only a few days since we first approached the US authorities and told them Ali was doing this investigation, and asked them then to grant him an interview about our findings.

The tapes have yet to be returned - and I can't say I'm surprised

I fear the real war against terror: The US industrial military complex against anyone who disagrees with anything "they" hold true and just!


Monday, January 09, 2006

Supression in action

MP Ron Marks wants to bring in a new law to provide new harsher penalties for those who attack the Police. The article is here.

"Society can't have it both ways. We can't demand that the police protect us and then turn a blind eye when thugs and drunken louts attack the police," he said.

What about the thugs and drunken louts that attack those of us that arent Police?

I thought we were supposed to be the same - Cops and Citizens alike - how about we have one law for all. Oh - wait a minute we already do - don't we?

We all deserve to be treated the same way - we don't need a class structure just yet thanks.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

When does "Tyler Knows Best" - Know Best?

"Tyler Knows Best" mentioned the other day that we should be a little more understanding of the "boy racer" subculture in NZ.

I am paraphrasing when I write these statements but Tyler basically believes that we are in the process of making all fun things illegal in NZ.

Tyler says we are only trying to stop people doing the same things now that we did when we were young.

Tyler says we should be able to "draw outside the lines" and not have to conform to an ideal society. I have to admit that I agree with many of Tylers statements.

IG, Tumorboy, Tyler and all you others who are scared to post - your comments would be appreciated.

In the meantime see a small glance of the world Tyler would have my lovely car live in :)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

My 70's Show

Meet my car. It’s 32 years old.
This car kept me sane in my last job as a Telecom employee. Well restoring it did anyway. Five years of slow methodical work – a calm in the storm that was my (work) life.
I didn’t finish it until after I left Dunedin and moved to Auckland to work for a much better company.
Every year at Christmas I come home, and pull back the car cover to reveal the same Christmas present – and it never stops making me smile.

Don’t get me wrong – this car isn’t fast, or well behaved. I get a lot of shit from my friends who think I’m a bit too anal about it – and to them I say “Well -Yes I am!”. This car is a throw back to the 70’s – I time when I was growing up – a time when the most important decision I had to make was the flavour of my ice cream. A time that is the butt of too many jokes – and I must say that the 70’s in New Zealand wasn’t a bad time to be growing up. Who cares if you couldn’t get a "flat white" or shops didn’t open in the weekends!

It’s funny that there has been a revival of 70’s memorabilia recently – perhaps people are searching for something lost along the way to this century. By restoring one small part of that 70’s era I’d like to think I’ve kept something important: well, something important to me anyway.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Movie Madness

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a walking database on movies. I often get calls from friends who ask me questions like.. "What was the movie with Clint Eastwood and the girl who played Matthew Brodericks sister in You Can Count on me?".

If I could just harness the brainpower required to process all that information and channel that into a more proactive direction I wouldnt be relying on Lotto to save me from lifes' woes.

In the meantime I can only point out they are talking about Absolute Power. Fools !!!!!

The best online database for movies can be found here. Enjoy the masses of information I digest (without thinking), that slowly erodes any other room that could be taken up by - say - spell'n un suchlike stuff.

One of the best movie reviewer guys on the net is here. James is a brilliant reviewer, and I've almost never disagreed with him. (except the time he gave the Phantom Menace 4 stars - He must have been on drugs THAT day).

Monday, January 02, 2006

Confusing Signs Abound

Evidentally the skating chapter of Hells Angels was in town......

A drink anyone?

Drunken stars' will be wondering what the hell happened to their New Years Eve celebrations today, when they awake to find themselves in a Police cell, charged with various offences.

No doubt they will blame everyone else for their woes, but they can take heart - that they have well and truely been passed the torch from last years drunken idiots.

Now, I've never been a fan of Aussie cars - in fact turning them upside down and setting fire to them is probably preferable to actually owning or driving one. But legally the car must be owned by you, and not by the couple of sad looking locals who called the Police. Also setting fire to a car in a campsite surrounded by tents and other cars isn't the best of ideas either!

So the Police arrived to arrest the culprits, only to deal with a bunch of drunken idiots who decided to attack said police with bottles. It's a shame the Police always seem to have to pick up the pieces after stupid legislation is pushed through without thought. There's never time to do it right - but there's always time to do it over. Also contrary to my previous bits of satire regarding the Police I do support them in the good community things they do, I just wish they weren't a division of the governments revenue collection team.

Anyway - I think it is time to seriously look at the way we drink as a nation. It's not what we drink - it's how we drink. And we drink bad.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year !

A Happy New Year to all those readers (yet still no comments - sigh).

I trust the hangovers have started to abate in the Southern Hemisphere, and I can but imagine those drinking in the Northern hemisphere are still working on theirs.

Anyway - where ever you are, and whatever you do - have a safe New Years.