The Dreaming Bed

Since returning from my overseas trip, I've been sleeping in my spare room.
The spare room is adjacent to my living room, so when my folks come to stay I'm only too happy to vacate my master bedroom and en-suite, knowing my later bed time wont interrupt their sleep habits - it's a win/win scenario.

So why after all these weeks am I still in the room? I'm guessing its the dreams.

I never remember my dreams in the other room, and for the life of me I have no idea why.
I've always found that looking at your dreams is an excellent way of cutting to the quick, even if you don't really want to admit what they're saying to you.

Sooner or later you have to look to the truth of the things that bother you.

I'm wondering if admitting it means the cure isn't too far off. Right now I'm too angry to care, although that could have (partially) been the last 5 minutes of Castle S02E24 tonight.

So angry !

Sleeping and my Head

Another type of nightmare entirely

The first two nights back have been interesting to say the least.

On the first I dreamt I had entered into an arranged marriage.
I tried my hardest to be happy; after all she was a lovely girl, but at the end of the day I just had to admit my heart belonged to someone else - and no one else would do. But she was my wife, and she loved me, so in my dream I remained regardless.

In the morning I awoke with such a feeling of dread, it took almost all my energy to pull back the covers. Less than ten seconds later, when I realised it was all a dream I was so bloody happy...

Last night however, a different dream was delivered. This time I dreamt I was with a girl I really cared about. It felt right in so many ways, and when I awoke it felt like the weight of the previous "dream" had been lifted from my shoulders; it took almost no energy to pull back the covers. Ten seconds seconds later .... well you get the idea.

The funny thing about all this is that my mind has a way of getting the important messages to me, even when I don't seem to listen. In this instance I think what my dreams are telling me, is to be true to myself, and not to accept something I know wont make me happy.

So; more of the single life for me I guess - and believe it or not I'm pretty happy with that decision, given the current climate.

Sorry Mum and Shars - I can hear your sighs from here :)

Bloody Forrest Gump

Jenny died on a Saturday morning....


Christmas (love it or hate it), is a time when we often find us measuring ourselves to times past. Destiny weighed and poured; is your glass half empty, half full, or spilling from the brim ?

If you cant change the past, and the future is unwritten; the only thing you can live is the here and now: just make sure it's the here and now you want.

Don't tie yourself to any resolutions for a tomorrow that never comes. Make the smallest of changes today; right here, right now.

Or don't ....

The point is, it's your life to make, or to break. Just don't look back in anger when it didn't have to be that way. I don't wanna say I told you so next year, OK ? :)

Don't worry - I wont - trust me :)

Chanelling Keith

It was rumored back in the day, Keith Richards awoke from a dream, jotted down a few progressions, then drifted back into an alcohol fueled slumber. In the cold light of day that collection of jotted notes came to be "Satisfaction" - or so the story goes.

Last night a similar thing happened to me. From a restless sleep I reached over, pulled my Sudoku puzzle book off the bedside cabinet and scrawled in barely intelligent script "Seeing change as a fad".

This morning the words struggled to make themselves heard; it was only after my "cop out" music post I remembered there was something I wanted to write about. I went down to my room, opened my book an stared at the words, daring them to make sense.

I think, truth be told, i was looking for something a little more prosaic, or creative. We all play the cards we're dealt I'm guessing. :)

I hear and see all the news; people changing for the better. Losing weight - gaining faith. Building houses for those in need - Driver, move that bus. It's all a crock of shit really. Chuck Palahniuk said it best when he wrote "self improvement was masturbation"

In my dream I was talking to a Christian workmate.
I asked him why he worked with prisoners in rehab (true story) and why he went into prison to try and change peoples lives.
He responded "My faith in God". [1]
I asked him, if he didn't have faith in his God, then would he do this work.
He responded "No", incredulously.[1]
I asked him if a man worthy of God's love wouldn't be compelled to help others without his faith. That simply put, the things we do to make each others lives more bearable, should come from ourselves - not our faith.

At the time I thought I was making a good point, but with the benefit of hindsight I could probably just do with a little more sleep. That and less cheese.

[1] This was a dream - he never actually said this....

False Advertising

I hate subversion.

Today I bit into a sausage roll. I expected meat and pastry.
What I got was something else entirely.
Amongst the meaty goodness lay hidden peas and carrots.

I suspect there are evil forces at work here. Vegetarian terrorists, placing broccoli bombs. I lose my faith in pastry chefs.

I don't mind vegetarians - you know where you stand with them. You understand their motivations, their way of life; you enter into their sphere of influence embracing their culture like a good Christian.

But not within the scope of the sausage roll. It smacks of cheapness, of subterfuge. At least in the case of vegetable infected luncheon sausage (or Belgian/Baloney as it is known elsewhere) there is no choice but to see it's true colours: the bastardised version bleeds carrots and peas for all and sundry.

I dread buying store-brought bacon and egg pie; you want to trust, but the edges only tell part of the story. It's only when you take the first bit - delve into the relationship, you discover the truth. I tell you - it's not pretty, and ultimately soul destroying.

Take my luncheon, pies, and sausage rolls.
I want to believe; I want to believe so much.
The problem is, like life, you don't really know what you're getting into, until you take a big bite of it. I've been let down too many times, I'm lacking in faith I guess. It would be nice to be wrong: I live for it actually.

I'm up for the next bite being a pleasant one - who's with me on that?

Atonement

Being ill affords one an interesting perspective.
Upon the restless lounge couch, the dreamer's dreams are a potential minefield of lost clues; clues that could point to the root cause of the malaise in a roundabout way.
Well maybe not, but still, an interesting prospect in the making.

Early in the evening, reflecting with a cup of strong tea, sweetened with one teaspoon too much sugar, the world seems much warmer and inviting, especially when one has seen too much of bed lately.

I sat in the sun this afternoon; spring is most certainly on the way here. So to is the promise of life; rebirth and recreation of things that lie dormant too long over the winter.

There is little time to be ill when such wonders are taking place - one hopes tomorrow will be a day that can be enjoyed more in harmony, than in discord.

[This post was written with the sountrack to Atonement playing in the background - which could account for much of the style of this entry - but not necessarily all]

Work Dreams

So; I'm involved in a aftermath of a disaster. Although getting everything operational again might require some serious thinking, I'm pretty confident I can rig something together to get it all working.

My contractors have (once again) made a complete hash of everything, so sure, it's going to take some serious work to undo their efforts first. The more I work on the problem - the simpler the solution becomes; I start to ask myself leading questions.

I wake in a tangle of blankets and swear words. For a micro second I realize it's been all a horrible dream. My anxiety ebbs until I suddenly comprehend that in reality, the situation is probably much worse.

Spending a Saturday morning curled up in the fetal position in ones bed is not the start to the day that one might have wished for. I will buy two Lotto tickets today; maybe three.

Monday will come soon enough; wanted or not.

A non-cheese dream

So, I say to myself, "This is my life" - as a house.

The walls aren't square and the wall linings are different thickness's. There are nails everywhere - and they're not evenly spaced. In fact they are dotted all over the wall linings. Oh yes - and the nails - they're all 6 feet long. I know this because I decide to pull one of them out to start 'fixing things'.

This was my crazy dream from last night. I got to see my life thus far rendered as a structure - This has to be the most vivid (non cheese) dream I've ever had.

So - I look and critique the 'house' I've built over 40 years, and I'm not happy - especially about the all the nails - there are literally thousands; like someone has decided to create a pattern or image with all of them. The problem is I can't stand back far enough to see - I just transfix on the nails themselves.

And don't ever get me started about the different thickness of wall linings - how do I fix that?

My faceless female 'helper' in this dream tries to say that my 'house' just needs a few minor adjustments. In my dream I'm more convinced that a better idea would be to bowl the house down and start again, but the dream ends with my 'helper' putting her arm over my shoulder and walking with me toward the kitchen with some suggestions over a few ideas for a new pantry she's be working on.

I know; I should come with some kind of warning label :)