Momentum

MarkJ and Sandy:
London 1989

I have a good feeling about this year. I really cant quantify why this particular year should be any better than the last couple - I just have a feeling that after some time things are progressing again.

I think it's been fair to say that catching up with NFG was very much a mixed blessing. The good was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that; the bad was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that. :)

I've loved very few women, and when you know those emotions mean something - it's hard to let them go overnight. In many ways I'll never be over her - I suspect that she probably thinks I hate her - but she was always wrong about that. Sure I was sad and disappointed, but it would have been a monumental move for her and I respect her choice. Any other reaction would have been infantile on my part. When John Lennon once said "All you need in Love" - he couldn't have been more wrong. Relationships are also about time, place, and responsibilities.

I can write this now - two years later on, because I suspect she no longer visits this place. I wish there was a way of turning off these emotions - so in someway we could remain friends. Once upon a time I thought I could do just that - but I couldn't have been more wrong. Part of me would have died inside. I suspect life may yet have more in store for us - but what that may be is outside of my control and may always be.

Still, through all the emotional highs and lows we had a perfect moment in time. Fate conspired to put us in the same time and place, and for the longest time I thought it would be enough.
I know I was lucky to love her, and to have that amazing emotional connection. It serves to remind me that such things are possible in life, and one day may be again.

So - I am moving on. Casting off, settling sail; I suspect it will still take time to gain momentum - but in part my journey is already starting.

And believe me when I say that's no small thing. :)

The Dreaming Bed

Since returning from my overseas trip, I've been sleeping in my spare room.
The spare room is adjacent to my living room, so when my folks come to stay I'm only too happy to vacate my master bedroom and en-suite, knowing my later bed time wont interrupt their sleep habits - it's a win/win scenario.

So why after all these weeks am I still in the room? I'm guessing its the dreams.

I never remember my dreams in the other room, and for the life of me I have no idea why.
I've always found that looking at your dreams is an excellent way of cutting to the quick, even if you don't really want to admit what they're saying to you.

Sooner or later you have to look to the truth of the things that bother you.

I'm wondering if admitting it means the cure isn't too far off. Right now I'm too angry to care, although that could have (partially) been the last 5 minutes of Castle S02E24 tonight.

So angry !

Looking Past the Obvious

I'm a sucker for this kind of sound.

I think that like this clip, in life you have to look beyond whats in front of you. You've got to want something more than what you see; either that or forever doomed to be nothing more than a Muppet.

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

I cant stress how important that last bit in italics is to me these days.

Unfriending

The act of unfriending is a new social trend we all eventually have to learn if we're a Facebook user. Although the results are always the same, the reasons for unfriending are not always as simple as they first appear to be.

Facebook is an interesting social media machine; some people use it to collect as many "friends" as possible while others keep their social media connections to those they would truly call friends. I struggle when it comes to ignoring friend requests - simply put it's not polite to not extend your hand in friendship, but to do so to someone who has over 500 friends seems easier - after all, don't they have enough already?

I have less than 60 friends. Some are workmates, others are social friends, none are for status. In my time I have only unfriended two Facebook friends - for entirely different reasons.

The first was in my early days of Facebook. I got a request from a girl who seemed to know me very well - but for the life of me I couldn't place her photo in her profile. Curiosity won me over and I accepted her friend request, only to find she was a friends sister. Her hedonistic lifestyle eventually got to me; she continually whined about her lot in life, at the same time only too willing to bankrupt her doting parents by getting them to pay for everything, including the very house she lived in. Unfriending her was a simple act - I just didn't like her.

The last act of unfriending was driven solely by self preservation. After accepting the friendship connection I realized that very post on her page was a reminder of a life I could not be connected to; a constant prompting that, for whatever reason, any love we shared could not be overcome to create change. In a way it provided a deeper understanding that my love for her simply wasn't enough. Contrary to any opposing view I needed to accept that - but in a way her Facebook posts were a consistent painful reminder of that fact. It was unhealthy, and for completely different reasons unfriending was again a simple act. Although in this instance she still haunts me every single day.

I look at my Facebook inbox today and I see a request from a prominent Korean businessman, who has serious financial connections to my aunt: I think I've met him once. My dilemma; should I accept a request from someone who I don't know very well, yet may take my snub personally enough to impact on his business deals with my aunt. His request hovers in my inbox, neither accepted or denied. If only life were always that simple.

Inaction often seems simpler, yet achieves nothing.

Just to say

So, if someone says "You know I love you - right?"

Does that mean they love you, or simply that you should know that they do, without them actually having to say it.

Just wondering....

Making a picture

My thoughts today are everywhere. Somewhere between yesterday and today I ended up here; thinking about watching Fleetwood Mac at Wembley Stadium with NFG. Here I was, small town me, as far away from home as I could possibly be, watching Fleetwood Mac play; blown away by the whole thing. London! Wembley Stadium! All these bloody people!
Stevie's voice was stuffed that night, but Christine McVie was amazing. I'll never forget her playing Songbird at the end of the night. A sea of lights before her; the purity of an artist alone with her piano. I closed my eyes and made a picture, that is as clear today, as then.

Little Wing

So I'm back in Auckland, and it's been real. The days are grinding through pretty slowly at the moment, and with NFG down in Dunedin this week I'm a little green with envy. If I win Lotto this weekend I'm heading south to catch up - if she wins she said she'd shout the flight. Looks like twice the normal chance of winning. :)

In the meantime I'm not in the mood for posting so until i do, have a listen to this version of Hendrix's "Little Wing" by Stevie Ray Vaughan. It's from the album "The Sky is Crying" - and is well worth a listen on a really good stereo. You can almost smell the atmosphere through the speakers.

Only the good die young. RIP SRV.

Just block out the 70's vibe.

At the risk of being flamed for my choice in music today - I dedicate this song to NFG.
I wish I was there with you girl. :)

Everynight I walk around the city.
Seems like I'll never know,
That feeling of being together when I go.

Thanks NFG

It's never that easy in real life - but sometimes courage can be found when or where you least expect it.



[click image to enlarge]

My Christmas wish

At his time of the year one could be excused for wanting to pack your bags and run away from home.

Unfortunately, finding that ever elusive off switch somewhere on your kids body is just another pipe dream.
I have a dream people - a dream of a life without complications, mortgage payments, or responsibilities. Imagine all the people - we could join our friends, and run away together with copious bottles of wine and great conversation, with nothing but time to burn - what a wonderful world that would be. Ask not what you can do with your dreams, but what they can do for you.

Hangovers and plagiarism optional, obviously. My dream - my rules - ok? :)

I've been talking drunken gibberish
Falling in and out of bars
Trying to get some explanation here
For the way some people are
How did it ever come so far?

Fuck Fuckity Fuck Fuck

What if life was like a skydive gone wrong - how would we react to the moment?
Hurtling through life, aware of an all too certain outcome, would we live each moment as it comes, consoling ourself with a"So far - so good" attitude to our altitude?
Should we perhaps plan to enjoy each moment of the fall - feeling the wind rushing past our ears - planning a swoop or turn in mid-air just for the thrill, making more of the experience?
I suspect a significant number of us would simply be paralyzed with fear, hoping that by doing nothing, it would be out of our hands - perhaps even praying that the fall would last forever.

I'd like to plan a little. I guess I'm driven that way, but by what - I cannot (or will not) say.

NFG mentioned on Wednesday that perhaps I plan too much, that I should live more in the now - I'm paraphrasing her parachuting; she was way, way more eloquent. And uncomfortably close to making a decent point I hasten to add.
I have absolutely no idea about so many things. I am however a highly functioning idiot - not quite a savant unfortunately. If you knew me, you would perhaps make the mistake of thinking I was normal - here you get the crazy thoughts that plague me before I drift off to sleep - the idioting musings that promote giggles when in like minded company. It may seem at times that I am anything but balanced, BUT dammit I know I'm not alone in this state of being!
Just the other day, on a flight back from Christchurch, I overheard a guy in his mid forties talking to his mate in the seat next to him.
"You know I think my life stopped at 26 - no matter how the years have past; I never felt any older or wiser."
His mate nodded in agreement - sullenly reaching for his bag in the overhead locker, as he suddenly realised he too was stuck, waiting to evolve....
Quote from here:

We're the middle children of history, man.
No purpose or place.
We have no Great War. No Great Depression.
Our Great War's a spiritual war... Our Great Depression is our lives.
We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires,
movie gods, and rock stars.
But we won't.
And we're slowly learning that fact.
And we're very, very pissed off.

I sometimes wish I could be someone different; an indifferent skydiver, who would have planned, and placed a huge mass of down pillows to cushion the fall before he hopped on the plane - not to stop the inevitable; just to make the ending worth waiting for.

There i go planning again - damn - I hate it when she's right :)

Emails

Today I got a lovely email from NFG.

The email was one of those "send them on" types - but I have to admit, I never do.
A couple of years back however, I decided that I was going to tell the few people capable of hearing the words, exactly what they meant to me. It was important to me, but at the same time, once said, I really didn't feel the need to repeat it again - well, maybe not in so many words.
Perhaps it's my Aries nature, but for better or worse I always say what I feel, usually when I'm feeling it. For the rest of my time on the planet I'm more likely to give you shit, or take the piss - perhaps pausing to be ever so slightly more honest after a bottle of wine; increasing more so after two.

So the lesson here, is not to get me drunk unless you want the truth -

You want the truth? You cant handle the truth!

And NFG? Simply said girl, I love you to bits.
And for that, a single drink - I don't need.

Cheese Sandwich Post

I've always been incredibly stubborn; When I make my mind up it's hard to change. The problem isn't so much the not changing my mind part - It's how I come to the decision.

Take the Legends meeting yesterday. All the nominees were invited to a drinks and nibbles thing, and for some reason, I decided I wasn't going to go. Fortunately I worked until 5am on the day of the award "party" so turning up at work that day wasn't required - not that would have made a difference; It was just fortuitous that I didn't have to justify my decision to my workmates.

It isn't like this isn't an isolated incident either; at six years old I decided I didn't want to go to Martin Bridger's birthday party, and I didn't - even after being told about all the cake and lollies. What kind of kid would give up all that for an afternoon of play alone in his backyard ?

I was talking to Mum this evening, and when I asked her if I've always been stubborn, she mentioned the Martin Bridger thing without prompting, so for some reason it's stuck in both our minds for well over thirty years. Supposedly my Dad was the same about all the pomp and circumstance stuff, so perhaps at some level it's genetic. It would be nice to have a good excuse for being contrary. I get incredibly angry when I'm manipulated into something I don't want to do - even if it's for no good reason on my part.

Sorry Ren, I didn't make the final twenty.
That in itself is a source or relief to me, as I didn't really want to go on the trip; Any reason why? No idea at all.

NFG would probably say it was my Aries nature - I'd like to think she was right, it would be great to have something to blame all this "crazy" on. :)

Blackout

After the minor meltdown last week, this week has been surprisingly flat in comparison. I wonder if it's the calm before the storm - which in itself is ironic, because outside my window it's blowing a gale - right now. Thirty minutes or so ago the power went off - the 4th time this year, and I was left in the dark to find the matches and light the candles. I was wondering how long I would have to sit in their glow - I spent the time playing my guitar, trying to nutt out David Grays Alibi, which has been on high rotation around my place lately.

Stone blind alibi
I will eat the lie
Find the word
Could break any spell that binds you

Prayers like ammonites
Curl beneath the lights
How I long to
Bite any hand that feeds you more
Where d'it all go wrong
My Friday night enfant
Where d’it all go wrong
My Friday night enfant .....

When the lights came on half an hour later I kinda missed the ambiance.

Speaking of Music, iTunes automatically sorts a top 25 list of most played songs. I must admit I was surprised when I saw my current top ten.

1) Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
2) I Keep Forgetting - Michael McDonald
3) Like a Rolling Stone - The Rolling Stones
4) Still Fighting It - Ben Folds
5) Alibi - David Gray
6) You Belong to Me - Doobie Brothers
7) Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead
8) Missing - Everything but the Girl
9) Working Class Hero - Green Day
10) Cuz I Can - Pink.

Still, even with all this relative calm and normality, I'm looking forward to seeing NFG Wednesday week - it's been too long, and I miss my friend.

My fix

Tonight I had a nice dinner with NFG, and it seems to me now, that around two months of conversation has been exorcised in one evening. Don't get me wrong - it's a good thing; It just left me a little flat tis all.
After too much time in my own mind, an evening of stimulating discussion with a dear friend is just the ticket, when your normal daily interaction doesn't push you in the direction you desire.
But - like all things great things, they come to an end. You find yourself coming down from some kind of a fix - I guess when you spend time doing something you love, with someone you love, It's hard to fill the parts in your own life when you suddenly notice them missing.
This is a realisation that used to take me a while to come to. No longer.
I'll miss my friend in the two months it will take to juggle our respective dance cards, and meet again; it's that simple.

Regrets

Why I should have never let this one get away....
Texting at 8:10 am this morning, after a particularly nasty start to my Monday morning....


Me: Sands - Is it totally OK to kill a sub-contractor? Please - I really need this

NFG: Absolutely baby.

Stress

Stressed? Not this cat!

Too many people I know are stressed - right now.
It's a sad comment on our reality - that so many of us live in a society that usually equates success with stress. Money is indeed a powerful motivator, and I am so much its prostitute.
All that said, being aware of the stress can be powerful motivation in itself. It can enable us to change our life direction, take up a healthy hobby, or appreciate those around us a little more.
Maybe it's time for that tropical holiday you promised yourself.

Oh - god - YES!!!

So when all is said and done; perhaps stress is the great enabler? - it enables us to achieve, and keep our life on track. It helps us survive when it may be simpler to curl up and die.
Regardless of what stress is to you, remember to take care of yourself, and in doing so, perhaps you'll come to realise that that tight feeling in your chest may not be stress after all - it could simply be a mild heart attack. :)

Take care NFG - my thoughts are with you. :)

Sorry Miss Chisman

No regrets?

Writing whilst drunk can be a curse. Often upon a second reading, clear of the fog of red wine, memories of writing something with brilliant clarity can on reflection, seem like mindless dross, or worse a self righteous or self pitying mess. aka.... Imagine if Cat was spelt D O G.... whoa....
Catching up with NFG the other day, she happened to mention she has a few of my poems that should be published. Fonmeister has threatened to do the same thing - maybe I should get all my poetry together, under some publishing guise, only to quickly burn the lot when no one was looking. It's fair to say once written, I often forget what I've put down on paper. Most is related to a specific event - like a flatmate who always left pasta in a pot - or another flatmate who kept us awake all night typing on a manual typewriter. I might ask NFG to see what she has been saving - but potentially I could die of embarrassment. If you were to show me the stuff I wrote years later I would most likely not recognise it - or even the person who wrote it. Anyway - what follows is something small I wrote after a couple of bottles of red some time ago. Much like driving, you really shouldn't drink and write;

When the mood takes you, writing can be a breeze, but where that writing takes you may often be an uncomfortable place.
They say you shouldn't have regrets, either from action or inaction. They also say you should move on - not wallow in past of regrets - just learn, and move on.

I wonder if bad memories of the past are are ghosts you should exorcise, own up to...
By admitting your regrets, you could eventually forgive yourself
Alternatively, perhaps these regrets are something we should accept as making us who we are, and live with it.
Should we forgive ourselves?
Do we have that right?

For today I'll freely admit to fucking up, potentially causing others grief. There are times I would love to go back and undo some things, but what's done is done, and more importantly - if i hadn't made those mistakes I wouldn't be where I am now - physically and emotionally.

So to anyone I've hurt, I'm sorry. My regrets are a daily reminder of the burden I'd like to let go of - I'm just certain how to yet. Perhaps in some way this is a first step.

Rest home reservations

Not a gray hair in sight

I'm looking for a metaphor people! - I want to segue into a story about an old piece of clothing - a favourite shirt or glove that hasn't been worn for a while. Something that when tried on after a long time, sorta - you know - fits like a glove. Except, you see, it has to more than that, because I wanted to use it as an introduction to a story - a true story. Something important.

North Finchley Girl (NFG) came into my life a week before my 21st birthday. I know this because I invited her as soon as I met her, and IG got really really super pissed with me. In a very short time we made a lasting connection, and also immediately agreed to be friends until we retired to the same Dunedin rest home, where we would spend our salad days throwing pureed food at each other.
Like many friendships forged in the days before running water and electricity, they were made to last. I stayed with her in London, where she taught me to play 500's - a brilliant story in itself if you ask me.
To this day I still remember first meeting up with her at an underground station - I immediately noticed she'd developed a distinctive plum in her accent, but failed to notice she was getting more and more embarrassed, while I was getting more and more animated (and loud) during our conversation on the tube; it seems one does not talk on the tube - one keeps ones business to oneself :)
Always a lot of fun, once in North Finchley, NFG plied me with drinks, accommodation, and enough sightseeing to give Frommer a headache - and for all that I am eternally grateful. My thoughts of London will always be associated with her.
After London, she came back to Auckland, and we unfortunately went our own way in life, but over the years it's honest to say I've thought of her often - and I wondered what she had done with her special brand of madness. I missed my friend.
When I moved to Auckland, it took over a year to face my inner demons and contact her. The trail went cold - and in all honesty after I failed the first time, I was reluctant to try again. When I saw her name at old friends I contacted her via the site, and we arranged to catch up. This meeting was chronicled somewhere here - I just cant find it...anyway...
I've been meaning to catch up with her again, but to be honest a part of me was reluctant. I quickly beat the crap out of the reluctant bit and we finally caught up for dinner tonight.

This is where the bit about the glove would have fitted brilliantly....

In less than 15 seconds, twenty years were gone, and for me it was as if we were those two kids in that underground again. We reaffirmed our commitment to our salad days before heading off to drink wine, and eat pasta. There wasn't a silent moment - we had twenty years to catch up on after all.
At the end of the night it was obvious that there were going to be many more catch ups, because great friends are born of many things, the least of all an undefinable bond that exists for no understandable reason. They just are.