Respect and Admiration

Respect and admiration aren't given away.
Respect is earned over time; can never be demanded or sought.
There is no clear cut way to either outcome; it can come from adversity or love.
It can come from anywhere and nowhere at the same time.

You cant just give it away on a whim: you have to be sure.
Like the love of your life, it's hard to give back when it's gone,
But through it all it shouldn't be retained for past deeds,
Because respect and admiration are both retained through consistency.

There are no awards, often there can be no words.
They are but silent reminders of the best we can be,
And who we might become, if we try.

Where I am today.

I've been struggling with the concept of friendships lately.
From those I've known since my school days, later through my early years at work, and onto those I'm yet to make, friends have become the foundation that I build myself upon.

Lately I've found I want to know more people who inspire, and help me grow.
Not that I'm desperate, but I can only hope they'll see something special in me as well.
And if that makes me try a little harder to be a better person, so be it.

Thanks but no thanks

I dont want to date.

Or perhaps, more correctly, I'm only interested in dating one particular person at present. She knows who she is.

I've felt this way for some time, and I've felt no desire to change my mind and date anyone else.

My friends dont subscribe to this particular point of view, and have tried to push me into dating.
I resisted, so they invited me to dinner, at the same time as another girl. And now they've done that they're about to do it again in a week or so.

In Notting Hill, when Hugh Grant is still getting over Julia Roberts, his friends try to set him up with all and sundry, under the guise of a dinner date. The dates range from the absurd to the ridiculous, yet at the end of the montage is a date with a perfectly lovely girl. The problem is, as nice as she is, she isn't Julia Roberts.

My problem is that I'm in love, and until I'm not in love any more, I don't really wanna go there.

In so many ways it would be easier to forget, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it takes time for that to stop I'm guessing.

Comments have been turned off on this post, and if you know me, I don't wanna talk about this. Period.

Dearest friends and parents - I've never been more serious.

In the meantime have a lovely week, I'll be working on that myself :)

See ya Guys

When i think of Andy and Niamh's exodus from the holy land, two images come to mind;

An arduous passage...

and just totally rocking the moment when they get there.

This is actually a great representation of Ms Shaw.

Either way, they're the kinda people you miss when they're gone.

Just saying

Thinking that 2010 I'm going to try on a few changes to see how they fit :)

Have a great Christmas guys - I'm flying down to Dunedin on the 25th, so my next post will have a southern spin to it.

Not quite an intervention

IG always jokes about me packing up everything I've borrowed over the years, sending it back to him, keeping things nice and tidy, before I prematurely shuffle off this mortal coil. At last reckoning all I have of Ian's is a Staind and Season 2 Office DVD. I'd imagine he'd fair shit himself if I ever got around to returning them - all because he'd have no barometer with which to measure my mental pressure.

So when my cellphone rang with his number I expected much of what transpired.

[paraphrasing - but not by much]

"So, you'll pack up and send all those things of mine before you top yourself, wont you ?", he asked.

Note: Guys are sensitive creatures, and apt to tiptoe around the subtleties.

I explained that all was well, and that he wouldn't be receiving any unexpected packages in the mail. I continued to reassure him that although things were indeed strained at the moment, they were being dealt with and that hopefully some resemblance of normal would resume - probably after April 2009.

Undeterred he continued to press on the availabilities of other objects d'art that might come to light due a potential immediate demise on my part.

"So, remind me again, do I get your Capri, or does Matt?"
"What about the DVD Collection?" he pressed...

It'd times like this I'm once again reminded how dear my friends are to me, and what lengths they will go to to hold on to something I once owned.

Well that's how I'll be choosing to see it anyway.....

At times the negotiations would move outside, and much progress would be made in a more conducive atmosphere. This security cam picture shows a post coital beer and cigarette after the critical Capri landmark decision of 2008 was finally agreed to. *

* The car is to be crushed then set on fire - not set on fire then crushed as initially proposed.

Because my Magic 8 ball told me to

Weddings - oh how I dislike you so.
Sorry, but even after all these years, I'm not entirely sure why yet.

I love the fact that one of my Auckland friends has made short work of what others may consider a major obstacle, to be with the one she loves.
The upside of this, another friend to brighten my day (and take my poker chips). :)

I love that fact that we all got to celebrate in your happiness, and share your day.

Somewhere there is a reason for my apathy, my reluctance ; but today isn't about me - it's about you.

Like I wrote in your card;

You two are the best
So it's no surprise you've found each other
Love always
Mark. x

Dont mention the War.

I loved you in Wall Street!

I think now, looking back, we did not fight our choices; we fought ourselves. The enemy was in us. This holiday is over for me now, but it will always be there, the rest of my days. As I'm sure Dunedin will be, fighting with Auckland for what some may call the "possession of my soul." There are times since, I've felt like a child, born of those two cities. But be that as it may, those of us who have had to move on have an obligation to build again. To learn from our previous experiences, and to try with what's left of our days to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.[1]

:)

It's been a great break, and more than a part of me would love to stay. Sunday, I head to my other life in Auckland, and by doing so, become the other half of myself.
John commented to me just yesterday that he never seen someone who lived so far away fit so well back into his Dunedin life. The truth is, my path has always been made all the easier by the lovely people I surround myself with. Such is life.


[1] Platoon - well mostly :)

Everything I learned was wrong.

If I was to cast my mind back less than three years ago, placing myself at a table with IG and Matt, the conversation would always invariably turn to cars. (Yeah, I know, thats where most guy conversations go to eventually - but in the case of IG and Matt the subject was almost afforded pornography status.)

Normally I can hold my own in most conversations, including car conversations; but compared to these two, my car knowledge is infantile.

"You know I really love the [insert car here]" said Matt.

"Yeah, thats a great car, and a really good buy right now. You really need the [insert specific model here] with the [insert lengthy specification] engine produced from [insert obscure data here]", IG would retort.

"Yes", Matt would say, in an almost James Bond way, raising his eyebrow and bourbon in appreciation.

I swear, it was like watching that TV program Mastermind, with a specialist subject in Car-ography - a wonder to behold, at least in a train spotter kind of way.

I was warned...

Thought their verbal jousting I came to learn that every car I ever liked (or brought) was really a pile of shit. Even my current car; a SW20 3SGTE Toyota MR2 with a 2 liter turbocharged engine was a poor choice; especially when IG went to great pains to inform me that CAR magazine led their front cover review of my Toyota with the subtext "How Toyota ruined the MR2".

Classic Beauty of the Karmann Ghia

Matt always wanted a Karmann Ghia, and Ian's latest car is a cool old Mercedes. I once wanted a 2.8 Injected Capri. So went those summer days all those years ago; they laughed at my uninformed lack lustre choices, and all was right with the world.

At least until this week.

I admit I've been worried about Matt since he started talking about family cars. I understand owning a family car is important - I understand you have to be practical about these sort of things - you really cant judge a person because of his "situation" [read: kids].

The chatter didn't stop though... it's as if the cars he once dreamed no longer have no meaning.
Just the other week Matt told me he was looking for an 1600 cc car for the family; his car would probably be a 1000 cc variety. There was no warning - I was waiting for a punch line that was never delivered.

He was SERIOUS.

I have to tell you I was concerned. I immediately rang IG and he confirmed my fears; I didn't know what to say - I still don't. It was then that IG admitted to me that he was looking to buy a Holden Commodore.

There's an interesting livery behind today's Commodore

It is finally the beginning of the end. There's no point of getting up tomorrow.

Case in point? I wouldn't buy a Commodore - because even I know how uncool that would be.

Artist impression of IG's new outfit.

The smallest things

Sometimes it can be hard to find your place in this world.
Some days it feels that you simply don't belong at all.
Occasionally you get pulled along in the jobs that you do; so at the end of that day, your life has simply become a list of things to accomplish.
Another day, you can be sitting with friends, and for some unknown reason, one of them will rest their head on your shoulder. And as you move your head to touch theirs you instinctively realize how rare these moments can be; and how much we can still appreciate being loved for who we are.

Then comes the realization that that intimacy never happens as often as you'd like.
But you were expecting me to say that - right?

Connections

To the connections made, lost, and hopefully reestablished throughout the years.



I really have to see Springsteen one day...

Cycle of Cool

I am so uncool.

That's only OK because, for the most part, we're all uncool.

Fortunately, how we are perceived is partially sculpted by the way we project ourselves to others. Hopefully this doesn't involve any of the "inner crazy" some of us struggle to suppress.

Unfortunately, the more you let your guard down and the more you say, the greater the chance someone else will find out how uncool you truly are.

So; given that you are indeed uncool, and those you trust know it (and they don't give a damn); that just makes them extra cool - right? *1

The only true currency in this bankrupt world... is what you share with someone else when you're uncool (Lester Bangs - character from Almost Famous)


*1 And then there is always a possibility that one day someone will see your signed Battlestar Galactica cast photo....and the cycle starts all over again :)

Shooter: entertainingly dreadful

They shot my dawg - prepare to die

. . . or dreadfully entertaining I'm not sure which; maybe an equal blend of the two. But I stayed until the bitter end which is relatively unusual for me. Sometimes I feel shortchanged when half the movie is in slo-mo, but I was more than happy staring at Mark Wahlberg's ridiculous musculature. I started laughing shortly before Marky Mark whispers: "I'm not your son," and didn't stop until long after the credits rolled up the screen. "They killed my dawg" - too funny! Awesome! [Review by Writer Girl -Ed]

Because one doesn't get a second chance at the first impression, my first choice of DVD had to be perfect. The question is ... was Shooter the perfect DVD one could present Writer Girl and the Dubai Kid with?

In fairness I was in a difficult position. It was far too early in the "relationship" to take the more challenging titles. David Cronenburg's "Crash", and James Spader's "Secretary" could wait another day for an unveiling, if indeed at all. I wonder what a film about car crash eroticism and S&M would say about me as a person? Far too much at this early stage one muses. The romantic comedies were just as bad, and for exactly the same reasons they stayed at home as well.

Can you go wrong with action movies? I thought to myself, as I headed out to their house. To deny the brilliance of Shooter or Serenity could be in itself a huge faux pas - what if, in a brilliant move, I was actually taking the piss. Could you really rip either to shreds, when in actuality, you'd make yourself look silly in the process; after all Top Gun was actually a succinct exploration of the gay subculture in America in the 80's right? Exactly.

I arrived to find Writer girl making guacamole on the breakfast counter. Making guacamole ! Holy cow - I thought that that stuff came in plastic containers from the supermarket. Suitable impressed, I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn't like avocado, but shit, she'll never know - It will be our little secret - right? And as for their sound system - all previous memories of watching movies with subtitles at Brew King's place (so we didn't wake the kids), were well and truly erased in a blast that blew my man breasts out my back.

So what was it going to be ? Serenity or Shooter? Would either choice be the correct move - and in doing so would they finally see the subtle nuances behind my choices. Hold on a minute - were there actually any? SHIT!!!!

I needn't have worried, I really enjoyed the night. Writer girl and the Dubai kid laughed at all the right places, telling me that (a distinct lack of swearing from Writer girl aside) they were indeed kindred spirits. Now all I have to do is work out if they were laughing with me, or at me.

With me - right?

Life's Cement

Secret camera phone images

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together"
- Woodrow Wilson

So many friends, so little time to see them all.
By being home I see the many and varied friends I have. All lifelong friends now without a doubt, and from so many directions they've come! They open their hearts and their homes - I've never had so many cups of tea.:)
Big smiles, warm hearts, and memories both good and bad. Old friends evolve, new friends grow stronger.
With each one I make, I make a place in this world - A place worth fighting for; a home wherever I go.

A gypsy once said I'd be incredibly rich - I had no idea how much.

Connections and Perspective

I have trouble understanding those who like to quantify every special "unexplained" event in their lives, as a statistical probability. I believe, we create bonds with people we are very close to, and at times in our lives when we need them, they can make their appearance in one form or another.

The rare, out of the blue phone call from a friend or loved one, when you just happen to be thinking of them, is something that reinforces that belief in me; that there is more to our lives than a series of interconnected statistically definable events.

In this sterile age of technology, there is a tendency to explain away anything representing "magic" in our lives - but I'll take any wins I can get. That fact this sort of thing doesn't happen every day, just makes it more special, not merely more mathematically unlikely.

And if higher forms of technology add emails and texts to the list, who am I to argue. :)

My Nelson family

This morning I rose at 5am to catch a flight to Nelson.

Asquared is 40 on the 2nd of August, but over a month ago her Mum and I conspired to have a 40th that I could attend. So here I am in (not so) sunny Nelson.
Tonight (after early birthday celebrations) I lie in bed, posting. Full of white and black Sambuca, my hands glide over my keyboard like they are possessed. I will pay for this tomorrow - rest assured.

I sat around a table of people I see once a year, but some who I have known for over 10 years: Asquared for well over 20 years.
It's funny - these people I know and love - yet no one in my normal circle knows them - like a separate family I have here. I am lucky indeed.

So I chat with Dennis - A father who so scared me half to death as a 17 year old when I sat in my car - outside his house talking to his daughter in the 80's. No longer.
I sing with Denise , his wife, and set up their Karaoke machine: I regret it not.
I talk with sisters and friends all night long - never measuring words: Accepted for who I am: I belong here in some small way.

Asquared - I don't know if you come here, but if you do, I have to say I love being a part of your life, and I cherish the brief times we spend together. The hangovers, however, I could do without! :)

Happy 40th birthday luv.

M.

My fix

Tonight I had a nice dinner with NFG, and it seems to me now, that around two months of conversation has been exorcised in one evening. Don't get me wrong - it's a good thing; It just left me a little flat tis all.
After too much time in my own mind, an evening of stimulating discussion with a dear friend is just the ticket, when your normal daily interaction doesn't push you in the direction you desire.
But - like all things great things, they come to an end. You find yourself coming down from some kind of a fix - I guess when you spend time doing something you love, with someone you love, It's hard to fill the parts in your own life when you suddenly notice them missing.
This is a realisation that used to take me a while to come to. No longer.
I'll miss my friend in the two months it will take to juggle our respective dance cards, and meet again; it's that simple.

Dashboard Confessional - Stolen

I kinda like this clip .
I like the idea that some friendships are destined to be, even if that goes against my inner, more logical voice. :)

The Friend Zone

I have to write about this sooner rather than later. The trouble is I always seem to begin this sort of post in the middle without a beginning or end, and I want to do a better job than that. Something with a low cringe factor is a must - and believe me that will take some work to accomplish!

In the meantime this clip pretty much sums up the experience of many of "us guys". I'm not sure the same applies to girls - comment if you disagree with me.

So...in this clip JD has 48 hours to kiss Elliot before he ends up in the friend zone. With minutes to spare he realises he has a short time left to complete their missed kiss - or else....

To absent friends

I am so fortunate to have good friends.
I say this often, to remind myself what good fortune truly is.
I say this often, because I my thoughts are always with them.
Finally - I say it because I would not be who I am, without them.

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin