Like me fuckers!

My universe is contracting.

Many of my Auckland friends have settled down with their families, or are playing house with their new partners. I don't get home to Dunedin nearly enough to stay that current with my friends down there, so over eight years what once were busy weekends have now become rather predictable and perhaps a little boring.

I know that it's up to me to make new friends, and to find new social circles to orbit, but thinking and doing can often be different things entirely. That said, I have met a number of lovely people this year.

From a single outsider looking into to another social circle, it can often be hard to break in. It's not enough to want it; they have to want it too.

It's kind of silly really. You want to build friendships; yet by making the extra effort you can look needy or overly aggressive. The rub is that if you don't try hard enough you never make an impression at all.

Some days you wonder why the hell you bother, and the next you're enjoying great company wondering what you did to deserve it.

Through it all I know that no matter how fine the line I dance; my choices are honest and there is no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get - and I guess that's all that really matters.

Dont drink and think

I hardly ever drink.
Drinking is something you should do with friends - somewhere you feel safe.

I hate bars.
On the whole they're populated with entirely different people, who's motivations I just don't understand.

I hate drunk me.
Entirely too open, entirely to honest, entirely too easy to read; even when I say nothing at all.
I see the paths to take. Too many taken before, all leading nowhere. I dont see the point. I am too jaded; I feel as old as time.

I have to be careful - words become dangerous. Words are scanned, removed, and sanitized inside. Mouth engaged; language becomes a minefield of intentions.

Best to leave I think.

I hug, then I do.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

Shiny floor indeed

Deadly Jelly stole my copy of Knight and Day.

DUDE
(she texted)
Can we borrow Knight and Day?
Please please PRETTY FUCKING PLEASE?
Your floor's very shiny, quite impressed x

I only say this, because in shorter order we will doubtlessly see a @deadlyjelly review of "Knight and Day", and I very much suspect it will not show me in a good light.

I've been thinking about this film most of the day. I think I like it.
I've been wondering why.

I think it's because I've come to hate "You've got Mail" mostly.

This is the synopsis of You've Got Mail;

Boy and Girl cheat of each others respective partners by developing an online relationship.
Real world Girl and Real world Boy meet - Real world Boy lies about who he is
Real world Girl finds about Real world boy at party - Real world Boy acts like an arse.
Real world Boy casually sets out to destroy Real world girls business
Real world Boy finds out girl is actually online girl - but doesn't tell her.
Real world Boy sets out to woo online girl - all the time hiding who he really is (Online Boy)
Online boy arranges with online girl to meet him finally. Realworld boy tries to stop Realworld Girl meeting Online boy.
Real world girl turns down Real world boy to meet online Boy
Online girl meets Online boy and finds out he's Real world Boy - and doesn't kill him on the spot
Real world girl always hoped Real world Boy would be online boy.
They kiss - dog nuzzles crotch.

Bollocks.

Knight and Day may be complete bollocks as well.
But it's good spirited bollocks, where the good guys are good and the bad guys aren't grey.
The romantic leads seem like good people.
Tom doesn't shag Cameron Diaz after 5 minutes - or 10 even.

It's light hearted, whimsical, and a nice bit of chewing gum for the mind.

And right now - that seems a pretty good fit for me.

Plus Tom didnt smile too much.

Rule 1

How life should be :)

The spiral

I think that if we're open to it, we adopt the best habits of those who influence our world.
If you are lucky enough to have friends or associates who are outward looking, positive and motivated, it's hard not to be lifted and taken along for the ride.

When those influences are gone, and you find yourself longing for their return, there are two options; to pick up the baton and run with it, or look for another group of like minded people and join them.

Make it or find it - but either way - be it; before it's too late.

Two minute silence

Twenty nine men still underground, and a nation grieves.
Two minutes of silence at two pm.
Supermarkets announce the coming of the hour; everyone stops: there is silence.
I wish I was there.

Our office is a barnyard of cultures
The sounds of many languages
Everyone rushing; so busy
I couldn't stay there.

I walked to the cafe; saw the fat cats drink their lattes
Chattering through it all, like it was nothing
I walked away, found a quiet spot.
I thought about all the things the 29 would never have.

Sons, daughters, grand kids, wives and lovers.
One was a teenager, and now will always be.

Time passed, the world moved on two more minutes.
I didnt know them, I didn't have to grieve.
But I had a respect for the risks they took to make a daily wage.
And how fragile we can be when chance bets against you.

Just another day.
The world moves on; they stay behind.
Thank God the coasters will remember them.
Because there are too many who never bothered to care.

Wedding Songs

I always thought "Never Tear us Apart" would be the ultimate wedding song.



And "By my side" would be a close second.



But if wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak :)

Here endeth the INXS posts !

Beautiful Girl

A haunting INXS song from the 90's.
I love how we can discover old things for the first time ever
And they become new again.

A true story

Once upon a time I was locked in a tin shed filled with fishing nets and corks. I was told that I was going to spend the rest of my life in that shed, and that I'd never see my parents again. It was hot and musty - the sun shone through dirty windows lighting up the dust in the air. I was terrified. When I asked what I was going to eat, I was told that I could eat the corks.

I think I was five or six years old.

I cant help but wonder who I would have been if that moment never elapsed.

I cant help but wonder what I would have to do to them in order to provoke a similar emotional response; especially now they must be in their mid 50's.

I honestly think that whatever that would be, I'd probably get some serious jail time. Especially as I think one is now a top cop, and the other a member of parliament.

So: two lessons.

One: You are what you absorb, and
Two: There is no such thing as Karma.

Although I'd like to be proven wrong on the second one.

Respect and Admiration

Respect and admiration aren't given away.
Respect is earned over time; can never be demanded or sought.
There is no clear cut way to either outcome; it can come from adversity or love.
It can come from anywhere and nowhere at the same time.

You cant just give it away on a whim: you have to be sure.
Like the love of your life, it's hard to give back when it's gone,
But through it all it shouldn't be retained for past deeds,
Because respect and admiration are both retained through consistency.

There are no awards, often there can be no words.
They are but silent reminders of the best we can be,
And who we might become, if we try.

Minutes to Memories

How much passion this life?
And how much magic?
And why, oh why, can I not find a DVD to watch?

I literally have hundreds; many I watch over and over.
In some way I want them to teach me something - something I haven't yet seen. Why else would I watch them so many times? Some days I wonder if these favourites aren't just the visual equivalent of warm socks on a cold winters day.

Today's choice showed, among other things, a man and his wife on a couch. How as she lent in close; how as she put her head on his shoulder, they just fitted like some small part of a cosmic jigsaw puzzle.

I see parts of that puzzle every day; how some things fit, and others never do. I see what looks like a three year old child; a child who cant understand why the shapes don't fit, but carries on regardless.
I see some parts dance around each other, getting set aside for another day, another dance. And through this all I also see this all as someone who might move the pieces, but never take part in it's final outcome.

And finally, as the movie finishes i hear;

The universe will expand
and it will collapse back on itself
and then it will expand again.

It will repeat this process forever

What you don't know is that when the universe expands again
Everything will be as it is now.
Whatever mistakes you make this time around
You will live through again on your next pass

Every mistake you make you will live through
Again and again
Forever.

So my advise to you is to get it right this time around
Because this time, is all you have.

And when I stop to think, I think this apt. Especially from the outside looking in.

Where I am today.

I've been struggling with the concept of friendships lately.
From those I've known since my school days, later through my early years at work, and onto those I'm yet to make, friends have become the foundation that I build myself upon.

Lately I've found I want to know more people who inspire, and help me grow.
Not that I'm desperate, but I can only hope they'll see something special in me as well.
And if that makes me try a little harder to be a better person, so be it.

So true.

"Hold it, wait. Cut the fucking bass, man. Folks, may i have your fucking attention please?"

-Niamh Shaw; About Time

Blue Day

I love this song.

Many people say a bands first album is their best. I wonder if it's because they put so much energy into what they're trying to say - never sure they'll get another chance. Although there's a certain purity in a first album, later on when a band becomes more comfortable with itself, a few gems remain. Sometimes a single song from a later album can eclipse a lifetime of previous works.

I'd like to think it's a metaphor for life as well - that every day is a chance to eclipse a monumental time in our past. Another chance to redefine ourselves - not for those who watch on from the outside, but for those lost dreams that wait from within.

Sifting through the thoughts that lead you on
Find the door that's open, now you're gone
We softly say to our-ourselves
If we could be anybody else

Valid as much here as anywhere

Thank God for the Internet - perhaps the last bastion for free speech.

Growing past 32

I've always felt as if 32 was a comfortable age for me. It seemed my whole sophomore existence was a painful stretch to that particular age, while every year since has been I constant reminder that I have to move on.

However; many, many years later, I still feel 32.

Today - I sit in meetings, and speak. I'm in awe that people actually listen. I feel like someone who sounds like me is throwing his voice from my seat; that like a ventriloquists dummy, someone else is pulling the strings; my take is simply to be there and breathe. I am stunned that the obvious things I say can set others writing furiously on their note pads. I wonder what they write? I wonder what goes through their heads while I'm winging it.

Something happened, and here we all are; traveling through time at the speed of life. Some on their way to their 32, others trying like hell to hold on to something real.

Being grown up should mean having more answers. Being grown up should give you an inner calm, an inner peace. Instead my aching left knee has started clicking and my once dislocated right thumb cant hold my drum stick properly. I'm confronted, and confused by the myriad of optional paths to take. Some days I feel I should have many more answers, when all I can offer is a hug. 'Though in fairness - the hugs have come to mean a lot.

If being grown up means knowing you don't have all the answers, perhaps being older still will bring with it the realization we know nothing. That, and the only way through this is with each other, and perhaps a fair amount of denial.

Maybe the important thing is when push comes to shove, you'll be prepared to wing it. Come along with me - It could be one hell of a ride.

How Jed got stoned.

It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help [1].

There's a certain irony at play here. I love to help, but hate being helped.
I'd been looking forward to staying with Niamh and Andrew, but soon after stepping off the plane I realised my weekend away was going to be difficult for me.

You see - They were the perfect hosts.

They let me sleep in, they took me fishing. In the evening before the sun set Niamh and I would take Jed for a walk, throwing his ball; laughing as he bounded down the bush and scrub with a mix of dogged determination and lack of self preservation.

I even got to do real guy stuff with Andrew when we rebuilt his KTM's water pump (twice).

They cooked, made pizzas, muffins, and margaritas. They wouldn't let me do a.god.damn.thing.

It was cruel and unusual punishment.

I may have shared my stash with Jed in a fit of desperation.


Well - I felt better afterward :)

Here's one I prepared earlier

Life is too short to be a difficult prick. It takes so much energy to deny the obvious. It seems odd to spend so much energy avoiding things to do, and make things harder for everyone else.

Yet so many persist.



This post is dedicated to a PM, who has the unenviable task of working with one of my more difficult workmates. Why she chooses to throw herself on this particular grenade on a daily basis is a source of wonder to the rest of us. I'm thinking eventually she will simply come to her senses and headbutt him.

Meanwhile we can only hope by then she'll have her technique up to scratch, and wont end up with a black eye this time.

:)

Must be the money

I'm not sure I'm coping with the 28 million dollar loss.

I'd hate to see the world I love come to nothing but a set of cold calculated odds, chance, and McDonald's weddings; a world where concepts of good things happening to good people, happy endings, and good luck isn't solely left to a frame of celluloid runing through a projector at 24 frames a second.

I know all good things some through hard work and talent - but for me it's equally important to have something external slightly influencing this all. Pushing every now and again, this way and that - all for the greater good.

I have to believe in the chaos of our universe. That there is a plan.

And for me now, maybe it doesn't involve 28 million dollars, but a guitar instead. :)

You are not your car keys

While I love this arrangement so much on one level, I cant help but feel it's a damning indictment on our inability to stay not grown up.

I weep for those who have lost their inner child.
I stamp my feet and temper tantrum!

Red wine on a School Day

I miss the smart conversations. Surrounded by smart people, as I am, this comment may at first seem erroneous, until you dig a little deeper.

Anyone can talk about stuff - I love the twist and turns, the wit, and most importantly the humour of a great conversation. In those moments innocent comments deliberately misconstrued can bring on a wry smile and and embarrassed glance at your feet in a crowed lift. While you struggle for a rebound, you suddenly realize you have to bring your "A game" to this party.

I loved my lunch with soon to be Mrs "Apprentice Princess PM" today. The cobwebs in the nether parts of my brain blown asunder, I settled into conversations that seemed to cover too many subjects in such a small moment in time.

Long may these lunches continue - but not before some mental calisthenics beforehand.

My brain needs me some bending!

Epitaph One

One of my favorite pieces from the end of the first season of Dollhouse.

Feeling old today.

If horses were wishes we'd be all eating steaks. :)

I want to see what people saw
I want to feel like I felt before
I'd like to see the kingdom come
I want to feel forever young

Paul Henry

Aaron Sorkin wrote..

"You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then, you can stand up and sing about the "land of the free".

Although this is an idealistic approach to the concept of free speech - the important thing to note here, is that you cant have it both ways.
Holocaust Deniers, Nazi's, Fascists, Communists and their rhetoric must see the light of day, lest our voices be silenced as well.

During the McCarthy era, Arthur Miller may have testified again fellow playwrights in the House Un-American Activites Committee, but his experiences of testifying resulted in his play around the Salem witch trials: The Crucible. In the 1930's many innocent Americans were blacklisted, simply because of their political beliefs. The hardships endured by being tarnished a communist were not bourne just by the accused, but those who associated or helped them survive as well.

Many may think we have come a long way since those times, but it is important to remember that if everyone who tells you how to think, is removing a key human right.

We all have a right to take in our world, and decide our own beliefs. These beliefs will be tempered by our friends and surroundings. Our logic may be flawed, and we may often be wrong, and we may change our minds as we walk through our lives. The important fact is - these ideas develop from our freedom of thought. It is important not to sign away this right simply because we don't like what we are hearing from those around us.

As soon as we lose the right to say what we want, we simply become what someone else wants us to be - then all is truly lost. You may not agree with me, but at least you have a choice.

Good night - and good luck Paul Henry.

Not enough of the Perfect

I wonder if it's too much to expect perfection.
If you look too closely, you'll always see blemishes.

Even if an acceptance that everything is fundamentally flawed may keep you sane, there's a strange perverse pleasure, in finding something that's perfect.
Even for an instant.

Would the knowledge that such a thing existed, make life worth living?

I hope so.

Just Thinking

We are the brightest of lights;
driven by the love that surrounds, and envelops us.

Let it in, and dare to shine.

As Indie as I get

Sorry for getting all Zach Braff on you.

I imagine I'll get sick of this quickly - but for here and now it's haunting in so many ways.

Singing the same song to a different tune

You'd kill yourself for recognition,
kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror,
you're turning into something you are not

Diversions

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think "I'm fucking having that!"

Christchurch

It seems that lately the mundane stuff is hard to get down. It seems lately it has to bleed to lead :)

It's important to know that good things do happen often; like today when I caught up with my original coffee girl and her 5 year old daughter.

I'm lucky, in that the friends I make: I keep. Years can go by and it matters not - we simply start where we once left off.

With friends like mine I could never truly be alone. And in that sense I am wealthy beyond expectation.

Never enough

I have noticed over time, how my greatest fears have become realities.
I wonder if we subconsciously create lives from these fears, or if life has a massive sense of humor and irony.

Many subscribe to the fact we all die alone, and I understand that. But with all that knowledge there's a certain comfort in having someone there to help you though the hard times, and maybe to be with you at the end.

My Godfather, my dad's best friend is dying of Cancer. This is happening right here and now. My parents have traveled all day to be with him; to see him before he goes.

It always seems to me that we prolong suffering too long. In trying to be humane, we instead put ideology ahead of compassion. We fail each other in a fundamental way. Life may be sacred, but sometimes I wonder if doing no harm is the same as doing nothing at all.

It's seems so wrong to make this about me right now, especially with John fighting to the end, but if I'm to be honest here - but I always feared the similarities I see in his life. Like me, John never married or had children. I'm stronger than this, yet at times like these I'm reminded of the finite nature of our lives, and how the smallest moments of fate can have long term repercussions.

It seems easier it seems with someone to anchor you. It seems easier not being alone. As much as I'm happy that I've always strived to do the right thing - I know life might have been much different if I'd taken a different path; had I kissed the girl all those years ago. Instead I sent her away.

Today, in the real world, my Mum held John's hand, and told him he'd done enough, he'd fought long enough. He smiled and closed his eyes - not for the last time; he's a fighter, even now we all know the battle is lost.

Perhaps we should all be as strong, and maybe as just as stubborn.

Sing this with me - this is 40.

I dont drink anymore, was my mantra.
Was.

So; we met at her house at 6pm; opened the bubbles, and started to drink.
Turns out she knew her husband too well and smelled a rat.
Fifteen minutes later we were in an 18 person stretched Hummer limo, on the way to god knows where.

We arrived, we drank. We drank some more.
Time flew - did i mention there was a lot more drinking, even more singing and dancing.

Three days later I miss it, perhaps because I realize that great moments in life are invariably inter-dispersed with incredibly boring parts as well.

In the meantime I wonder many things;

I think about the happy
I think about the laughter
I think about the honesty
The good will and the things we say when we're uncool.

And I cant help but wonder how much of me, is drunk me.

Believe contains a lie

Jon Stevens

I'm so going to take a hit on this, but Jon Stevens is a kiwi, and he really can sing.
I don't care if Jesus Christ Superstar was a crazy idea - I just love how they just went mad on the arrangements, and implemented a real rock score.



John plays Judas in the middle part.

This week.

Happiness.
Happiness is a word for a feeling.
Feelings are rarely understood in the moment
they are quickly forgotten,
and almost always misremembered.
- Shrink (2009).

It's fairly rare to get caught up in the emotions of someone you work with.
When that someone isn't a friend there is always the possibility that you will overstep some imaginary line - that by entering into the moment of emotion, you will be intruding into some place you are not welcome.

Silence makes it worse.

I will always remember the silence, the passive stare through everything; the utter acceptance of what was happening at that moment in time.
It was an incredibly powerful experience to behold; and in truth, I wasn't sure I was supposed to be there.

I rested my hand on her shoulder, and gave her the slightest squeeze.
I knew on some level what she must be going through.
I stood up and walked away; my part in this moment had passed.

In this life, there are moments you have to conquer alone.
Even when surrounded by those who love you.

Robert Downey Junior

It's nice to hear this one from a male perspective.



I'm working on a post - it's swimming in my head, slowly becoming coherent.

It might be rubbish - it's too hard to say right now.

So until then, we have this now.

Wind of Change

Peter Frampton was perhaps the first non-mainstream artist I listened to, way back in 1978.
I was 11 years old, and the sound was entirely foreign to me. I'm sure the sound pushed me toward the guitar, and as a result, another world entirely.

Sapphires aren't enough to buy me happiness
Diamonds don't demand me, they're just for looking
Love comes close to wrecking all you have to give
God knows, there's so much to give

I used to be embarrassed the first album I brought with my own money was the Beach Boys Greatest Hits - now, not so much.

Rain Man

When it starts to rain you can head for cover; cower
You can run like a madman; create a spectacle
You can drop your shoulders ; let if beat you down

or

You can carry on; as you were.
Accepting that - yes - it is rain, and you're going to get wet.
You can accept that these things happen, and rather than run away; blindly - jacket over you head, you can walk on serenely, as if the water isnt even there at all.

Maybe it's only there because we react to it.

If you accept this, and ignore the rain, you start noticing other things.
Like how people go to extraordinary lengths to stay dry, and how silly they look; clustered like sheep, peering out into the darkness like one touch of water will ruin them.

You leave them behind, as you march on unihibited.
You get where you're going - you're never as wet as you feared.
Home and dry, you find yourself strangely refreshed.

Life is about experiences; both good and bad.
Sometimes even bad experiences can be enlightening.
If you view them the right way.

Kissing a fool.

You will never know how you feel about someone till you kiss them.

As a much younger man in the late 1970's, I recollect the full frontal lip kisses of the day, the waxy taste of lipstick from so-called aunts and family friends many times removed.

I remember the many awkward first kisses.

Years later I recall the way I learned the "faire la bise", or french cheek kiss, from an Austrian girl in London.

Now I've come to realize, when it comes to the casual kiss, I may have become a complete unknown.

Which speaks volumes really.

I really have to turn the volume back one day.

She will have her way

There's genius here - I can sense it, yet it remains just out of my grasp.

She's the life I've been frightened of
Seems like deathly silence and especially the dark
Feels like I am heavy and my spirit has died
She will have her way
Somehow I will still believe her
She will have her way
One day I will come back

Live in the now dude!

On Monday, after work, I took Allison's advice, and got a neck massage.
The pain from my neck and jaw had got to the point where I'd try anything to get a decent nights sleep. God it was good.

Half way through the massage I couldn't help but wonder how long i had left. The pain had abated, and although I was enjoying the respite I was thinking about what would happen after the massage was over. As the massage drew to an end, that was all I could think of.

I am so angry - here I was in a moment of bliss, and yet I couldn't enjoy it fully because I couldn't stay in "the now".

If I could do anything over, it would involve an appreciation of the now, and equally, a extreme disinterest in the immediate future.

[Better posts when this is over - apologies - I'm all over the place]

Small Potatoes

Pain is a funny thing.

First is where it comes from, the answer today, my subconscious.
For some unknown reason I'm clenching my jaw again ; left side this time, as if that means something. I'm not stressed at the moment - but my sleeping mind obviously didnt get that particular memo.

Positive spin is; when i bit into my hash brown for breakfast this morning, the heat from it spread over my jaw like a hot water bottle on a cold winters night.

If I could have bottled that feeling and sold it, all the drug dealers in the world would have gone out of business overnight.

Deep down inside I just wanna push the good stuff people; turns out today it's basically a bit of a hot potato.

God - I wish it was always that easy, being me.

Not a love Story

I saw this quote, and was looking for images of love to accompany it.

Specifically looking for one that didn't evoke the gag reflex, I saw this screen grab from 500 Days of Summer. It looks to me like a shout out to Syd and Nancy, although I don't recall it in the film. I love the role reversal.

Today finds me under the weather - i went home at lunchtime, and slept all afternoon, but not before updating my facebook profile with the following post...

MarkJ found a lonely cow while harvesting his heroin poppies. Looks like steak for dinner kiddies!

I like sick me. :)



They do not love that do not show their love.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Love is a familiar.
Love is a devil.
There is no evil angel but Love.

William Shakespeare

Linda Ronstadt - Willing

I cant explain the many different types of music that feed my soul. You listen, you feel, you grow.

Music isn't all consuming for me; although I play every day I can, and miss my guitar when I'm away from home. I think loving different styles of music can go a long way to accepting things the way they are - not trying to bend the world to your particular perspective.

Honestly, I believe we are in a mess as a species because too many powerful people put their petty wants and desires before common sense, and everybody else.

Acceptance of moderation in everything should be a "given".

What the hell were we thinking!

I often wonder if the kids of today will look back at the 90's the same way the previous generation looked at the 70's.

I'm not sure there was anything iconic about the 90's..but the 80's - I cant believe we dressed/danced/big haired like that !

Late night thoughts

Dear Life, the Universe and Everything.

Did you ever have one of those days when something amazing happened that totally blew you out of the water?
I'm just saying - It's been a while - but I'm ready for it when you are.

Cheers

Me.

Connections

I cant stress how important it is to see the good things when they happen.
Celebrate the connections you make with each other, knowing they may not last, because while they do, they're a kind of magic.
And magic, even if fleeting, is worthwhile remembering.

Today I hope I've made a new friend.

#1 with a Silver Bullet

Sometimes simple is better

Like an echo down a canyon
Never coming back as clear
Lately I just judge the distance
Not the words I hear
I've been too long on these islands
I've been far too long alone
I've been too long without summer
In this winter home

Untitled

I really loved "The Bucket List", even if the ending kinda chokes you up.

Too much redemption is a powerful thing.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closing,
Do it with a heart wide open.

Thanks but no thanks

I dont want to date.

Or perhaps, more correctly, I'm only interested in dating one particular person at present. She knows who she is.

I've felt this way for some time, and I've felt no desire to change my mind and date anyone else.

My friends dont subscribe to this particular point of view, and have tried to push me into dating.
I resisted, so they invited me to dinner, at the same time as another girl. And now they've done that they're about to do it again in a week or so.

In Notting Hill, when Hugh Grant is still getting over Julia Roberts, his friends try to set him up with all and sundry, under the guise of a dinner date. The dates range from the absurd to the ridiculous, yet at the end of the montage is a date with a perfectly lovely girl. The problem is, as nice as she is, she isn't Julia Roberts.

My problem is that I'm in love, and until I'm not in love any more, I don't really wanna go there.

In so many ways it would be easier to forget, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it takes time for that to stop I'm guessing.

Comments have been turned off on this post, and if you know me, I don't wanna talk about this. Period.

Dearest friends and parents - I've never been more serious.

In the meantime have a lovely week, I'll be working on that myself :)

Real, but with a twist

Life may be a journey of imperfections, but personally, I'm aiming for a happy ending.

Magic 8 Ball Madness

It seems my iPod touch Magic 8 Ball app is fucking with me.

Every time I ask a certain question it says "You are not ready to hear this answer yet".
Seriously - any other question I get a different response. But returning to my original question always leads to the same answer.

To be honest - it scared the bejesus out of me.

I mean;

1) What does it know that I don't, and
2) Why doesn't it think I can handle the truth!

:)

I dont care

I post this repeatedly every couple of years, but who the hell cares.

In it's own way it's perfect.

Perfect harmonies, a killer drum pattern; tight and somehow greater than the sum of its parts.



I keep coming back to it. The recording is dated - the video worst still (look for Patrick Swayze). I keep hoping someone will remaster it and push it to another level.

Yeah - I know - it's just a song, but it makes me feel like grabbing a pair of imaginary drum sticks and using my computer as a drum. :)

Just because

Every now and them I need to remind myself that I'm not a cynic, and I actually subscribe to the glass half full mentality.

This is one of those times :)

Where ever you are, and whatever you're doing I hope this makes you smile.

Before Sunset

Driving through it all is an air of optimism - a faith that everything will sort itself out - that there is a sort of entropy in life.

If anyone wanted to undertake an understanding of what and who I am, "Before Sunset" would be required watching.
Three writers; two of which act in a movie filmed in real time (the other directing), Before Sunset, is a journey of hope and discovery. A piece of magic in what can be a cold, bland, and colourless world. If you watch it - and get it - you get me.


Three points I love.

Desire is the fuel of life.
A memory is never finished as long as you are alive, and finally;
The thought that when you are young you'll believe there are many people you'll connect with. Later in life you'll realise it only happens only a few times.

If you have a romantic bone in your body - rent it. Just make sure you watch Before Sunrise first, if you haven't already.

Citizen Cope

Just in case the good old Backstreet Boys left you feeling a little off colour.

I love this little number too.

Sing-a-long Friday

Doesnt get much better than this folks



I can almost hear Shars scream "Brian" when he has his turn at the mike :)

I've tried to hide it so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where you're comin from

I don't care, as long as you love me, baby

Genius !

Serenity

I'm not trying
to tear you down.
But you fog things up
You always have.
You spin me about.

I hate psychics.

They turn you about; send you North when you ought to go South; makes you keel when you should run true.
I'm a skeptic, but not a good one.
I'm told the same story from many a storyteller, once removed.
Does it make it real - all these same stories?
More importantly -Do you want to look for the answers to those questions?

My inner conspiracy theorist wonders if they trade our information at some kind of international swap meet. The child in me hopes for a world less defined; at odds with a predetermined life. The spiritual side has no idea, but has hope that all will be fine with this life.

We're a mix of so much, to stand by our faith, and say it means nothing.

You can tell I'm overdue some retail therapy - right ? :-)

I couldnt leave you hanging.

I was having a discussion with a friend in the weekend. I love conversations that go into uncharted area, even if they get dark sometimes.

We started to talk about his "down days", and how his friends pulled him through.
I wondered aloud if depression was something that happened to people who lived outside the moments of their lives, as apposed to those who effectively lived in "the now". We discussed this at length, and is often the case with thinking and talking, answers did not necessary follow.

I understand that there are many reasons for depression, and that trying to look for a simple reason is folly; yet just talking about it was refreshing, and a lot better than all that avoidance and brushing it all under the carpet we men often do best !

We may not be as stoic as those who came before us, yet I wonder if we aren't better off for exactly the same reason.

Stick with me, better posts are on the way* :)


*Results are not typical.

I take it back

I might have been slightly overzealous when I said she couldn't sing.

Warning: Country and Dolly Parton follow.

Whole lotta love

My formal dinner was lovely.
Lovely in that it was also a bit of a love fest.

Family was a word best used to describe it all, and I had no idea Dunedin was such a huggy place.

So; many hugs, many photo's, many drinks.
One hole in a wall, one fight on the lawn - kids....
Much dancing, and a few piggyback rides for the grown up kids.
All in all a great night.

Even if I'm all hugged out, I'm good for some more :)

Ocean View

This week, after Allison's resignation notice, I find myself in the South Island once again. This was planned work, however the juxtaposition of the two events has left me seriously thinking about my future options with Vodafone in Auckland.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to do anything rash, but a year or so back I had a lot more reasons to hang about. Now I'm wondering what's keeping me up there.

I do still enjoy my job, and its inherent rewards - and they seem to really love me to bits lately, still: is that enough?

My local friends are retreating into their families, and as a result I'm spending more and more time to myself. I realize I'm very independent, but i still enjoy social contact from time to time. Niamh and Andrew left a few months back and although I still have Andrews bike to remember them by, it's just not the same :)

I'm just not sure I could move to Christchurch - I enjoy my rare visits to the Garden City, but a place is just a place - it's the people in it that make the difference. I'm hoping that life will show me the way to continue; but if anybody can think of any reason I should stay or go - feel free to email me !

This weekend finds me in Dunedin, where I have a formal dinner to attend later this evening. Although it is frosty out tonight, the stars are clear and crisp in the night sky. As I lie in bed with the electric blanket on typing this post, I'm reminded that this is my real home - eventually I will return here, build myself a beach house; spending the rest of my days finding more and more ways to enjoy life, and everything it encompasses.

Finally - a plan I can live with !

Allison's Team is in the house

In my work life there have been few to admire; few to aspire to. In all my years of work there have only be two; both at Vodafone, and both, as it happens, women.

There's nothing sexist in that comment, it's just a fact. My boss is simply the best manager I've ever had, and possibly ever will have. Her ability to promote, lead, encourage, and perform simply blows us all out of the water - daily.

Under her watch we have become one of the best performing parts of the business - all men, all different backgrounds and personalities, we have one thing in common - we're in her team.

Or we were.

Like most people who are outstanding in their roles, they eventually move on. I always knew it would happen, but I figured we'd get at least three or four years before she was tapped on the shoulder. We got eighteen months.

None of us are taking it very well.

In our lives we've all had those moments of synergy, these rare slices of "great". We make mental snapshots of these moments. These specific memories often sustain us through the down times - especially when we need to remember that things will one day be good again.

Regardless her decision has been made. I'm reminded that change is the only universal constant, and I can only hope that something good will come from a situation that has come as a shock to us all.

This is going to take some getting over; and I'm definitely not alone in this.

Cant sleep

The truth is all that it can be
When it's sullied not, by you or me
We try our best to dance around
When all that's lost can yet be found.

No sex please - we're Vampires

I never saw the Twilight fascination.

I wondered exactly what ethical conundrum a one hundred and ten year old vampire would have dating a 17 year old girl.
Conversely wondering what a 17 year old girl would have in common with someone with a century of life experiences, I wonder how I get to sleep at night…..

"But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. Somehow or other, they will have to manage their unmanageable love. But when unexpected visitors come to town and realize that there is a human among them Edward must fight to save Bella" - Summit Entertainment

OK - So it's a smell thing then.

The thought of a hundred year old scent induced horn-bag hitting a 17 year old high school senior aside, I am interested in the other taboo nature the franchise offers; that of her wish to be turned into a vampire.

The irony is that the Mormon Stephenie Meyer, who wrote this lucrative franchise equates becoming a vampire with sex. In order for Bella to become a vampire she must first marry her beloved yet strangely uber-controlling Edward.

So no sex before marriage then.

I guess it's a moral relationship after all....

Currently playing

I'm not a huge Hunters and Collectors Fan, but of late I've warmed to lead singer Mark Seymour's "daytime and dark" album. Stripped down songs that sing to me and my acoustic guitar. Music is a lovely thing to make, even if you're not good enough to be a professional as such.

Come on confess your confusion
Spread it around
They trickle down your cheeks tears fall
Like seed on barren ground
Your thoughts are scattered
Like paper everywhere
Tiny pieces of laughter and despair

Them

They say that you have to move on.
They like to say a lot of things.

But what if you can't? What if you wont?
Does that mean that you're forever stuck in a moment - that you wont progress?
I guess it depends.

I think they say to move on, because it's easy.
I think they say it, because they don't have the answers to the questions you want answered.

I say hold on, until you want to let go; however long it takes.
If it takes forever, so be it; it's your life to live.

Just don't ask for help, unless you're prepared to listen to what they have to say. :-)

Well that's sorted

I wish I could convey the feelings that come over me when I finally find something I've wanted for a long time. For me its like having a ten year old jigsaw puzzle with one bit missing, and finding the last piece in a cardboard box under a moldy old sock, while looking for something else entirely.

I'd like to think that all the bits I'm missing in my life will turn up sooner or later. I seem to have faith that things will sort themselves out in their own time, and when the smallest things do, I feel that the world is suddenly a better place for it happening.

Some days are better than others; some days it's hard to believe that these things or people will come through, but regardless the song remains the same.

Eight years ago I finally found the watch I love - the last watch I'll ever want or need. As far as the whole watch thing goes I'm sorted. The list slowly gets crossed off and the small gaps in my life get filled.

Niamh could not have known the significance of the amp she tramped back home for me. Twelve years in the making - I wouldn't accept it was here until I opened the package.
"You better make all the bloody right noises", she said, as I opened the box.

The strains of the story around the amps trek south were there to be heard - how she almost left it in Dubai, how she was screened by madmen security staff. White noise to my ears. Soon to be folklore, a story to be sure - she didn't realize that this amplifier was one more piece in the puzzle - a part in which she is now intrinsically linked forever.

God love her - if she wasn't already blissfully married I would have got down on one knee right there and then.

Amp: all sorted. Life - well, best not mentioned :)

Just wondering...

iTunes reports:
I'm listening to Taylor Swift, Mandy Moore, and My Chemical Romance (a lot).

Wondering:
Is there such a thing as tri-polar? :)

Decisions decisions

Sighted - a 'tween in a music store.
Forcing herself to decide between Justin Bieber and a Glee soundtrack.
Time stood still; her purchase in the balance.
I turned away smiling, thinking how great it would be
for life to be that simple again.

Come pick me up.

My bag rolled across the smooth bitumen that lined the airport long term car park. It was the sweetest sound; like a wave crashing on the shore. I hated when it ended; much like this song I stumbled on just five minutes ago.

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter

I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

Playing the cards youre dealt

Putting the sad piano music aside, this is inspiring stuff.

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha

The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself.
It is not in your environment;
it is not in luck or chance,
or the help of others;
it is in yourself alone.

-Orison Swett Marden

Sia Furler

Loving this old song. Time to hit my Zero7 playlist again.



Would have preferred the official video, but no embedding allowed ...

Friends

I love my friends, but I love it most when the final reserve is gone. It can take years to break down those walls; those last bastions of self.

From fumbling first steps you never see the friendships that endure; if you could, I'd imagine the first meeting would be diabolically stressful.

It occurs to me that I met Angela when she was nearly the age her own daughter is now. I try to remember the small separate steps - this separated journey we have taken through our lives - to get to this point and place.

Today we fit; it hasn't always been this easy, this simple. Every year I feel more comfortable, which is silly to say as I have never been uncomfortable around her.

There were always moments, but as we sail through all this, we value each others strengths and weaknesses - this means so much more to me than a chance summer meeting could have ever done: we were both too young to appreciate this voyage ahead.

We both have our scars etched with sun, salt, and time - yet to me, they hold us true, and for that I could ask for no more.

Drugs

I've been feeling more than a little flat lately, and after a few nights of heading off to bed at 9pm, I suddenly dawned on me that heading off to bed three hours early may indicate something was up.

I realized that after all this trying to stay on the wagon, diet-wise, I may have inadvertently stopped eating red meat along with carbs.

Thinking iron might be the culprit, and not having enough sense to see a doctor, I decided instead to head off to the local heath food shop for some iron tablets.

I don't know what's behind the health industries fascination with Spirulina but to be honest I fear the stuff. In my experience anyone I've known who's taken it quickly moves on to St John's Wort, followed swiftly by madness. It's a cycle I've seen in more than a couple of ex flatmates...

Still, I hate the smell of iron tablets, so for now it's the subversive green tablets for me. Should I cir cum to the temptation of St John's Wort, I fully expect one of you to stage an intervention, before the inevitable transition to insanity.

Some of you who know me well, may argue that this may have already occurred, and to you I would simply smile and say "It might do well to stop thinking I'm a chicken - but frankly I'm saving a fortune on eggs".


And on that note I think I'll cluck off. :)

A Geek Tragedy

Unfortunately I giggled just a little when I read this.


If you don't get it, thank your lucky stars.

There may yet be hope for you :)

Drunken comments

So perhaps one bottle isn't enough.

Today I reconnected with some friends, arranged to visit another, and drank a nice bottle of red.
Though it all I wonder if there wasn't more to be had - more than one bottle, and more than one to share.

I've come to believe that sharing is better, that taking risks is better - that we can be the best we can, when we're doing something we love; perhaps with someone we love.
As the cosmic tumblers shift into place we can perhaps catch a glance of what could be, what will be. If we want to change, then the option is there. The trick is seeing the moments that shape a life, and acting upon them.

I only know, that for the longest time, I've been missing my marks. I've been listening to voices that arent necessarily my own. The voices say there is a plan - I want to believe them - I've been right before; they've been right before. All I know now, is that it's out of my hands.

The decisions that shape my life are there to be made. All that remains is the courage to do what must be done. To know what is right, and to make it so.

Unfortunately those decisions aren't mine to make.

The world turns, and lives go on. What will be will be; and it will be your will not mine.

This post will self destruct. I love the way the words flow through that one bottle, but I'd bet my life that they wont last. Life has a way of tidying up those loose ends :)

Perhaps sooner than you think.