Saturday, September 18, 2010

Never enough

I have noticed over time, how my greatest fears have become realities.
I wonder if we subconsciously create lives from these fears, or if life has a massive sense of humor and irony.

Many subscribe to the fact we all die alone, and I understand that. But with all that knowledge there's a certain comfort in having someone there to help you though the hard times, and maybe to be with you at the end.

My Godfather, my dad's best friend is dying of Cancer. This is happening right here and now. My parents have traveled all day to be with him; to see him before he goes.

It always seems to me that we prolong suffering too long. In trying to be humane, we instead put ideology ahead of compassion. We fail each other in a fundamental way. Life may be sacred, but sometimes I wonder if doing no harm is the same as doing nothing at all.

It's seems so wrong to make this about me right now, especially with John fighting to the end, but if I'm to be honest here - but I always feared the similarities I see in his life. Like me, John never married or had children. I'm stronger than this, yet at times like these I'm reminded of the finite nature of our lives, and how the smallest moments of fate can have long term repercussions.

It seems easier it seems with someone to anchor you. It seems easier not being alone. As much as I'm happy that I've always strived to do the right thing - I know life might have been much different if I'd taken a different path; had I kissed the girl all those years ago. Instead I sent her away.

Today, in the real world, my Mum held John's hand, and told him he'd done enough, he'd fought long enough. He smiled and closed his eyes - not for the last time; he's a fighter, even now we all know the battle is lost.

Perhaps we should all be as strong, and maybe as just as stubborn.


Deadlyjelly said...

Your post is so sad. I've often thought similarly about prolonging suffering. It seems we treat our pets better than our friends and family. Yet the will to survive is a phenomenal imperative; when their life is in the balance, most people choose the idealogy.

You place a lot of value on the partner relationship. You aren't alone. And you are loved. Just let me know when you want me to come sit by your bedside (minimum two weeks' notice, thanks :-P


Mark J said...

remind me never to read you comments while drinking beer in a pub.
Beer everwhere - stinging nose - red eyes.

Thanks for the offer - two weeks notice - check.

:) bless x