Kissing a fool.

You will never know how you feel about someone till you kiss them.

As a much younger man in the late 1970's, I recollect the full frontal lip kisses of the day, the waxy taste of lipstick from so-called aunts and family friends many times removed.

I remember the many awkward first kisses.

Years later I recall the way I learned the "faire la bise", or french cheek kiss, from an Austrian girl in London.

Now I've come to realize, when it comes to the casual kiss, I may have become a complete unknown.

Which speaks volumes really.

I really have to turn the volume back one day.

She will have her way

There's genius here - I can sense it, yet it remains just out of my grasp.

She's the life I've been frightened of
Seems like deathly silence and especially the dark
Feels like I am heavy and my spirit has died
She will have her way
Somehow I will still believe her
She will have her way
One day I will come back

Live in the now dude!

On Monday, after work, I took Allison's advice, and got a neck massage.
The pain from my neck and jaw had got to the point where I'd try anything to get a decent nights sleep. God it was good.

Half way through the massage I couldn't help but wonder how long i had left. The pain had abated, and although I was enjoying the respite I was thinking about what would happen after the massage was over. As the massage drew to an end, that was all I could think of.

I am so angry - here I was in a moment of bliss, and yet I couldn't enjoy it fully because I couldn't stay in "the now".

If I could do anything over, it would involve an appreciation of the now, and equally, a extreme disinterest in the immediate future.

[Better posts when this is over - apologies - I'm all over the place]

Small Potatoes

Pain is a funny thing.

First is where it comes from, the answer today, my subconscious.
For some unknown reason I'm clenching my jaw again ; left side this time, as if that means something. I'm not stressed at the moment - but my sleeping mind obviously didnt get that particular memo.

Positive spin is; when i bit into my hash brown for breakfast this morning, the heat from it spread over my jaw like a hot water bottle on a cold winters night.

If I could have bottled that feeling and sold it, all the drug dealers in the world would have gone out of business overnight.

Deep down inside I just wanna push the good stuff people; turns out today it's basically a bit of a hot potato.

God - I wish it was always that easy, being me.

Not a love Story

I saw this quote, and was looking for images of love to accompany it.

Specifically looking for one that didn't evoke the gag reflex, I saw this screen grab from 500 Days of Summer. It looks to me like a shout out to Syd and Nancy, although I don't recall it in the film. I love the role reversal.

Today finds me under the weather - i went home at lunchtime, and slept all afternoon, but not before updating my facebook profile with the following post...

MarkJ found a lonely cow while harvesting his heroin poppies. Looks like steak for dinner kiddies!

I like sick me. :)



They do not love that do not show their love.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Love is a familiar.
Love is a devil.
There is no evil angel but Love.

William Shakespeare

Linda Ronstadt - Willing

I cant explain the many different types of music that feed my soul. You listen, you feel, you grow.

Music isn't all consuming for me; although I play every day I can, and miss my guitar when I'm away from home. I think loving different styles of music can go a long way to accepting things the way they are - not trying to bend the world to your particular perspective.

Honestly, I believe we are in a mess as a species because too many powerful people put their petty wants and desires before common sense, and everybody else.

Acceptance of moderation in everything should be a "given".

What the hell were we thinking!

I often wonder if the kids of today will look back at the 90's the same way the previous generation looked at the 70's.

I'm not sure there was anything iconic about the 90's..but the 80's - I cant believe we dressed/danced/big haired like that !

Late night thoughts

Dear Life, the Universe and Everything.

Did you ever have one of those days when something amazing happened that totally blew you out of the water?
I'm just saying - It's been a while - but I'm ready for it when you are.

Cheers

Me.

Connections

I cant stress how important it is to see the good things when they happen.
Celebrate the connections you make with each other, knowing they may not last, because while they do, they're a kind of magic.
And magic, even if fleeting, is worthwhile remembering.

Today I hope I've made a new friend.

#1 with a Silver Bullet

Sometimes simple is better

Like an echo down a canyon
Never coming back as clear
Lately I just judge the distance
Not the words I hear
I've been too long on these islands
I've been far too long alone
I've been too long without summer
In this winter home

Untitled

I really loved "The Bucket List", even if the ending kinda chokes you up.

Too much redemption is a powerful thing.

Even if your hands are shaking,
And your faith is broken.
Even as the eyes are closing,
Do it with a heart wide open.

Thanks but no thanks

I dont want to date.

Or perhaps, more correctly, I'm only interested in dating one particular person at present. She knows who she is.

I've felt this way for some time, and I've felt no desire to change my mind and date anyone else.

My friends dont subscribe to this particular point of view, and have tried to push me into dating.
I resisted, so they invited me to dinner, at the same time as another girl. And now they've done that they're about to do it again in a week or so.

In Notting Hill, when Hugh Grant is still getting over Julia Roberts, his friends try to set him up with all and sundry, under the guise of a dinner date. The dates range from the absurd to the ridiculous, yet at the end of the montage is a date with a perfectly lovely girl. The problem is, as nice as she is, she isn't Julia Roberts.

My problem is that I'm in love, and until I'm not in love any more, I don't really wanna go there.

In so many ways it would be easier to forget, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and it takes time for that to stop I'm guessing.

Comments have been turned off on this post, and if you know me, I don't wanna talk about this. Period.

Dearest friends and parents - I've never been more serious.

In the meantime have a lovely week, I'll be working on that myself :)

Real, but with a twist

Life may be a journey of imperfections, but personally, I'm aiming for a happy ending.

Magic 8 Ball Madness

It seems my iPod touch Magic 8 Ball app is fucking with me.

Every time I ask a certain question it says "You are not ready to hear this answer yet".
Seriously - any other question I get a different response. But returning to my original question always leads to the same answer.

To be honest - it scared the bejesus out of me.

I mean;

1) What does it know that I don't, and
2) Why doesn't it think I can handle the truth!

:)

I dont care

I post this repeatedly every couple of years, but who the hell cares.

In it's own way it's perfect.

Perfect harmonies, a killer drum pattern; tight and somehow greater than the sum of its parts.



I keep coming back to it. The recording is dated - the video worst still (look for Patrick Swayze). I keep hoping someone will remaster it and push it to another level.

Yeah - I know - it's just a song, but it makes me feel like grabbing a pair of imaginary drum sticks and using my computer as a drum. :)

Just because

Every now and them I need to remind myself that I'm not a cynic, and I actually subscribe to the glass half full mentality.

This is one of those times :)

Where ever you are, and whatever you're doing I hope this makes you smile.

Before Sunset

Driving through it all is an air of optimism - a faith that everything will sort itself out - that there is a sort of entropy in life.

If anyone wanted to undertake an understanding of what and who I am, "Before Sunset" would be required watching.
Three writers; two of which act in a movie filmed in real time (the other directing), Before Sunset, is a journey of hope and discovery. A piece of magic in what can be a cold, bland, and colourless world. If you watch it - and get it - you get me.


Three points I love.

Desire is the fuel of life.
A memory is never finished as long as you are alive, and finally;
The thought that when you are young you'll believe there are many people you'll connect with. Later in life you'll realise it only happens only a few times.

If you have a romantic bone in your body - rent it. Just make sure you watch Before Sunrise first, if you haven't already.

Citizen Cope

Just in case the good old Backstreet Boys left you feeling a little off colour.

I love this little number too.

Sing-a-long Friday

Doesnt get much better than this folks



I can almost hear Shars scream "Brian" when he has his turn at the mike :)

I've tried to hide it so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where you're comin from

I don't care, as long as you love me, baby

Genius !

Serenity

I'm not trying
to tear you down.
But you fog things up
You always have.
You spin me about.

I hate psychics.

They turn you about; send you North when you ought to go South; makes you keel when you should run true.
I'm a skeptic, but not a good one.
I'm told the same story from many a storyteller, once removed.
Does it make it real - all these same stories?
More importantly -Do you want to look for the answers to those questions?

My inner conspiracy theorist wonders if they trade our information at some kind of international swap meet. The child in me hopes for a world less defined; at odds with a predetermined life. The spiritual side has no idea, but has hope that all will be fine with this life.

We're a mix of so much, to stand by our faith, and say it means nothing.

You can tell I'm overdue some retail therapy - right ? :-)

I couldnt leave you hanging.

I was having a discussion with a friend in the weekend. I love conversations that go into uncharted area, even if they get dark sometimes.

We started to talk about his "down days", and how his friends pulled him through.
I wondered aloud if depression was something that happened to people who lived outside the moments of their lives, as apposed to those who effectively lived in "the now". We discussed this at length, and is often the case with thinking and talking, answers did not necessary follow.

I understand that there are many reasons for depression, and that trying to look for a simple reason is folly; yet just talking about it was refreshing, and a lot better than all that avoidance and brushing it all under the carpet we men often do best !

We may not be as stoic as those who came before us, yet I wonder if we aren't better off for exactly the same reason.

Stick with me, better posts are on the way* :)


*Results are not typical.

I take it back

I might have been slightly overzealous when I said she couldn't sing.

Warning: Country and Dolly Parton follow.

Whole lotta love

My formal dinner was lovely.
Lovely in that it was also a bit of a love fest.

Family was a word best used to describe it all, and I had no idea Dunedin was such a huggy place.

So; many hugs, many photo's, many drinks.
One hole in a wall, one fight on the lawn - kids....
Much dancing, and a few piggyback rides for the grown up kids.
All in all a great night.

Even if I'm all hugged out, I'm good for some more :)

Ocean View

This week, after Allison's resignation notice, I find myself in the South Island once again. This was planned work, however the juxtaposition of the two events has left me seriously thinking about my future options with Vodafone in Auckland.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to do anything rash, but a year or so back I had a lot more reasons to hang about. Now I'm wondering what's keeping me up there.

I do still enjoy my job, and its inherent rewards - and they seem to really love me to bits lately, still: is that enough?

My local friends are retreating into their families, and as a result I'm spending more and more time to myself. I realize I'm very independent, but i still enjoy social contact from time to time. Niamh and Andrew left a few months back and although I still have Andrews bike to remember them by, it's just not the same :)

I'm just not sure I could move to Christchurch - I enjoy my rare visits to the Garden City, but a place is just a place - it's the people in it that make the difference. I'm hoping that life will show me the way to continue; but if anybody can think of any reason I should stay or go - feel free to email me !

This weekend finds me in Dunedin, where I have a formal dinner to attend later this evening. Although it is frosty out tonight, the stars are clear and crisp in the night sky. As I lie in bed with the electric blanket on typing this post, I'm reminded that this is my real home - eventually I will return here, build myself a beach house; spending the rest of my days finding more and more ways to enjoy life, and everything it encompasses.

Finally - a plan I can live with !

Allison's Team is in the house

In my work life there have been few to admire; few to aspire to. In all my years of work there have only be two; both at Vodafone, and both, as it happens, women.

There's nothing sexist in that comment, it's just a fact. My boss is simply the best manager I've ever had, and possibly ever will have. Her ability to promote, lead, encourage, and perform simply blows us all out of the water - daily.

Under her watch we have become one of the best performing parts of the business - all men, all different backgrounds and personalities, we have one thing in common - we're in her team.

Or we were.

Like most people who are outstanding in their roles, they eventually move on. I always knew it would happen, but I figured we'd get at least three or four years before she was tapped on the shoulder. We got eighteen months.

None of us are taking it very well.

In our lives we've all had those moments of synergy, these rare slices of "great". We make mental snapshots of these moments. These specific memories often sustain us through the down times - especially when we need to remember that things will one day be good again.

Regardless her decision has been made. I'm reminded that change is the only universal constant, and I can only hope that something good will come from a situation that has come as a shock to us all.

This is going to take some getting over; and I'm definitely not alone in this.

Cant sleep

The truth is all that it can be
When it's sullied not, by you or me
We try our best to dance around
When all that's lost can yet be found.

No sex please - we're Vampires

I never saw the Twilight fascination.

I wondered exactly what ethical conundrum a one hundred and ten year old vampire would have dating a 17 year old girl.
Conversely wondering what a 17 year old girl would have in common with someone with a century of life experiences, I wonder how I get to sleep at night…..

"But the closer they get, the more Edward must struggle to resist the primal pull of her scent, which could send him into an uncontrollable frenzy. Somehow or other, they will have to manage their unmanageable love. But when unexpected visitors come to town and realize that there is a human among them Edward must fight to save Bella" - Summit Entertainment

OK - So it's a smell thing then.

The thought of a hundred year old scent induced horn-bag hitting a 17 year old high school senior aside, I am interested in the other taboo nature the franchise offers; that of her wish to be turned into a vampire.

The irony is that the Mormon Stephenie Meyer, who wrote this lucrative franchise equates becoming a vampire with sex. In order for Bella to become a vampire she must first marry her beloved yet strangely uber-controlling Edward.

So no sex before marriage then.

I guess it's a moral relationship after all....

Currently playing

I'm not a huge Hunters and Collectors Fan, but of late I've warmed to lead singer Mark Seymour's "daytime and dark" album. Stripped down songs that sing to me and my acoustic guitar. Music is a lovely thing to make, even if you're not good enough to be a professional as such.

Come on confess your confusion
Spread it around
They trickle down your cheeks tears fall
Like seed on barren ground
Your thoughts are scattered
Like paper everywhere
Tiny pieces of laughter and despair

Them

They say that you have to move on.
They like to say a lot of things.

But what if you can't? What if you wont?
Does that mean that you're forever stuck in a moment - that you wont progress?
I guess it depends.

I think they say to move on, because it's easy.
I think they say it, because they don't have the answers to the questions you want answered.

I say hold on, until you want to let go; however long it takes.
If it takes forever, so be it; it's your life to live.

Just don't ask for help, unless you're prepared to listen to what they have to say. :-)

Well that's sorted

I wish I could convey the feelings that come over me when I finally find something I've wanted for a long time. For me its like having a ten year old jigsaw puzzle with one bit missing, and finding the last piece in a cardboard box under a moldy old sock, while looking for something else entirely.

I'd like to think that all the bits I'm missing in my life will turn up sooner or later. I seem to have faith that things will sort themselves out in their own time, and when the smallest things do, I feel that the world is suddenly a better place for it happening.

Some days are better than others; some days it's hard to believe that these things or people will come through, but regardless the song remains the same.

Eight years ago I finally found the watch I love - the last watch I'll ever want or need. As far as the whole watch thing goes I'm sorted. The list slowly gets crossed off and the small gaps in my life get filled.

Niamh could not have known the significance of the amp she tramped back home for me. Twelve years in the making - I wouldn't accept it was here until I opened the package.
"You better make all the bloody right noises", she said, as I opened the box.

The strains of the story around the amps trek south were there to be heard - how she almost left it in Dubai, how she was screened by madmen security staff. White noise to my ears. Soon to be folklore, a story to be sure - she didn't realize that this amplifier was one more piece in the puzzle - a part in which she is now intrinsically linked forever.

God love her - if she wasn't already blissfully married I would have got down on one knee right there and then.

Amp: all sorted. Life - well, best not mentioned :)

Just wondering...

iTunes reports:
I'm listening to Taylor Swift, Mandy Moore, and My Chemical Romance (a lot).

Wondering:
Is there such a thing as tri-polar? :)

Decisions decisions

Sighted - a 'tween in a music store.
Forcing herself to decide between Justin Bieber and a Glee soundtrack.
Time stood still; her purchase in the balance.
I turned away smiling, thinking how great it would be
for life to be that simple again.

Come pick me up.

My bag rolled across the smooth bitumen that lined the airport long term car park. It was the sweetest sound; like a wave crashing on the shore. I hated when it ended; much like this song I stumbled on just five minutes ago.

When they call your name
Will you walk right up
With a smile on your face
Or will you cower in fear
In your favorite sweater
With an old love letter

I wish you would
I wish you would
Come pick me up
Take me out
Fuck me up
Steal my records
Screw all my friends
They're all full of shit
With a smile on your face
And then do it again
I wish you would

Playing the cards youre dealt

Putting the sad piano music aside, this is inspiring stuff.

We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we make the world. - Buddha

The golden opportunity you are seeking is in yourself.
It is not in your environment;
it is not in luck or chance,
or the help of others;
it is in yourself alone.

-Orison Swett Marden

Sia Furler

Loving this old song. Time to hit my Zero7 playlist again.



Would have preferred the official video, but no embedding allowed ...

Friends

I love my friends, but I love it most when the final reserve is gone. It can take years to break down those walls; those last bastions of self.

From fumbling first steps you never see the friendships that endure; if you could, I'd imagine the first meeting would be diabolically stressful.

It occurs to me that I met Angela when she was nearly the age her own daughter is now. I try to remember the small separate steps - this separated journey we have taken through our lives - to get to this point and place.

Today we fit; it hasn't always been this easy, this simple. Every year I feel more comfortable, which is silly to say as I have never been uncomfortable around her.

There were always moments, but as we sail through all this, we value each others strengths and weaknesses - this means so much more to me than a chance summer meeting could have ever done: we were both too young to appreciate this voyage ahead.

We both have our scars etched with sun, salt, and time - yet to me, they hold us true, and for that I could ask for no more.

Drugs

I've been feeling more than a little flat lately, and after a few nights of heading off to bed at 9pm, I suddenly dawned on me that heading off to bed three hours early may indicate something was up.

I realized that after all this trying to stay on the wagon, diet-wise, I may have inadvertently stopped eating red meat along with carbs.

Thinking iron might be the culprit, and not having enough sense to see a doctor, I decided instead to head off to the local heath food shop for some iron tablets.

I don't know what's behind the health industries fascination with Spirulina but to be honest I fear the stuff. In my experience anyone I've known who's taken it quickly moves on to St John's Wort, followed swiftly by madness. It's a cycle I've seen in more than a couple of ex flatmates...

Still, I hate the smell of iron tablets, so for now it's the subversive green tablets for me. Should I cir cum to the temptation of St John's Wort, I fully expect one of you to stage an intervention, before the inevitable transition to insanity.

Some of you who know me well, may argue that this may have already occurred, and to you I would simply smile and say "It might do well to stop thinking I'm a chicken - but frankly I'm saving a fortune on eggs".


And on that note I think I'll cluck off. :)

A Geek Tragedy

Unfortunately I giggled just a little when I read this.


If you don't get it, thank your lucky stars.

There may yet be hope for you :)

Drunken comments

So perhaps one bottle isn't enough.

Today I reconnected with some friends, arranged to visit another, and drank a nice bottle of red.
Though it all I wonder if there wasn't more to be had - more than one bottle, and more than one to share.

I've come to believe that sharing is better, that taking risks is better - that we can be the best we can, when we're doing something we love; perhaps with someone we love.
As the cosmic tumblers shift into place we can perhaps catch a glance of what could be, what will be. If we want to change, then the option is there. The trick is seeing the moments that shape a life, and acting upon them.

I only know, that for the longest time, I've been missing my marks. I've been listening to voices that arent necessarily my own. The voices say there is a plan - I want to believe them - I've been right before; they've been right before. All I know now, is that it's out of my hands.

The decisions that shape my life are there to be made. All that remains is the courage to do what must be done. To know what is right, and to make it so.

Unfortunately those decisions aren't mine to make.

The world turns, and lives go on. What will be will be; and it will be your will not mine.

This post will self destruct. I love the way the words flow through that one bottle, but I'd bet my life that they wont last. Life has a way of tidying up those loose ends :)

Perhaps sooner than you think.

Requiem

When I look back, on the decisions I've made, on the most part I can say I'm happy.

As far as I'm aware there's little unsaid or important to be done. In most cases I've said what I've needed to say, pushed as hard as I've been comfortable to in life and love, and left things as well as I could, before moving on.

I think it's important to live life this way, as you never know when your time here may come to an end. I hate leaving anything unfinished.

Still, when I heard that a workmate who fell from his ladder earlier this week, passed away this morning, I wonder if I couldn't do better.

Perhaps I will.

I keep forgetting

Question: How does being married to Tom Cruise automatically make you asexual?

Fuck taking back the night - we need to reclaim Katie Holmes!


P.S. I may be drinking tomorrow night, so will try and stop myself drunk-posting. Wish me luck!

The fundamental good

Although this may not happen everyday, its important to remember that once and a while our true potential shines through.

Kind thoughts to you all today :)

Lighter moments

There was a disturbance in the force yesterday.

Around 11am I turned to my boss and said (out of the blue)
"You know, it's as somethings lifted around here"
" The weight on my shoulders has... well.. gone"

(I should point out this is NOT a thing I would normally say aloud)


She looked at me strangely, and replied
"You know, it's weird, but I was just thinking the very same thing"


I look forward these brief connections between people. The phone call when you're thinking of someone, the email out of the blue, the energy of the crowd.

We're all made of the same stuff fundamentally; so it shouldn't be surprising if we connect from time to time at some sub atomic level.

Sometimes I wonder why we move in and out of each others lives; the cyclic nature of it all.
The mysteries of life and quantum physics aside, often Occam's Razor applies; simply, sometimes we can't bear not to.

And the reason for that, is something else entirely.

Underachieving

I've been listening to Taylor Swift all weekend.
I love the simple bass riffs I've been learning along the way.

She sings from the heart - and although I'm not a huge country fan, I cant say enough about her raw talent and emotion.

I wish I was half as passionate as her - but to be honest I'm feeling a tad jaded. Must be all that overachieving I've been up to. :)

Making it Rain

I really wanted to see one of these before they stopped.

I hope to see something even more inspiring from the US space program, but as long as people harp on about world peace and feeding the starving millions, we'll just keep dumbing ourselves down as a race. I think the real problem has got more to do with greed and power, than launching shuttles into space.

If I was king of the world I'd start with the eradication of far right and far left. Not forgetting the far green - I've got my eye on you guys as well!

Some kind of Talent

Now - If only that bloke from the Coors could just lose the chicks he'd make a fortune !

The Coors 15 minutes may well and truly be gone, but they did serve to show that Irish people are ALL incredibly talented, not to mention devilishly attractive.

A fact that wasn't wasted on me when I met Niamh Shaw for the first time.

I love this song - although the compression from Youtube really doesn't do the song justice. The only real issue is translating the lyrics - I mean "and tearing has it's ways??"

I'm thinking not...



I will get my Amp now - right luv? :D

Prozac Prose

This evening I took some time out to look around a local bookshop. When looking for a new writer I often follow a process I use when trying new wines - I'll take the ones with the nicest labels thank you very much.

Tonight my search passed row after row of self help books...

Im a cynic when I comes to self-help books. I think, in the most part they only succeed in helping their authors make huge mounds of cash. While I'm on this subject, I've always wondered why airport bookstores have an inordinate number of these books. Is it because frequent flyers need more help than those who take the bus or train? Is visiting an airport bookstore really just a cry for help?

Perhaps not.

At the same time I find it odd that any odd person can write a self help book that any other odd-er person can pick off a shelf; after all one cannot simply rock up to the chemist and pick a box of Prozac or Xanax of a counter like a pack of condoms. God that would be great. Just imagine.. "Very good sir - would you like some LSD or E with that"?

Anyway...

I looked at the titles, and the famous authors. Witty titles and colorful labels beckoned to me like an iPad on payday, and yes I must admit I was tempted. But with so many areas for self improvement, and so few years remaining, I decided it was much better to be a Monet (fine from far away, but with an underlying complexity up close) than an open book.

P.S. Ironically, I'm still angry :)

The Dreaming Bed

Since returning from my overseas trip, I've been sleeping in my spare room.
The spare room is adjacent to my living room, so when my folks come to stay I'm only too happy to vacate my master bedroom and en-suite, knowing my later bed time wont interrupt their sleep habits - it's a win/win scenario.

So why after all these weeks am I still in the room? I'm guessing its the dreams.

I never remember my dreams in the other room, and for the life of me I have no idea why.
I've always found that looking at your dreams is an excellent way of cutting to the quick, even if you don't really want to admit what they're saying to you.

Sooner or later you have to look to the truth of the things that bother you.

I'm wondering if admitting it means the cure isn't too far off. Right now I'm too angry to care, although that could have (partially) been the last 5 minutes of Castle S02E24 tonight.

So angry !

Toasty feet

I love the rain.

Today I took at walk at lunchtime and got caught in a downpour.
As life suddenly sped up to a mad dash around me, I decided I couldn't get any wetter, so carried on undeterred. There's a kind of peace that comes from not reacting on impulse.

Tonight the wind is blowing rain onto my kitchen window.
The wind whistles under the eves on it's way to Piha, while I am nice and warm inside.
These are the simple moments to cherish, even if my socks were wet all day.

It's a small price to pay for hot water cupboard trainers tomorrow :)

Looking Past the Obvious

I'm a sucker for this kind of sound.

I think that like this clip, in life you have to look beyond whats in front of you. You've got to want something more than what you see; either that or forever doomed to be nothing more than a Muppet.

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

I cant stress how important that last bit in italics is to me these days.

I feel old

Chemistry

I don't mind being married to my career
and I don't expect it to hold me in bed as i fall asleep at night
I just don't wanna settle

-Up in the Air (2009)

The next big thing

I remember how outwardly idealistic I was once,

I remember how one of my workmates said he'd kick his son out of home if he was gay.
I remembered getting into an ever increasing argument telling him what a fuckwit he was.
That part will never die.

I remember watching a mate dragging another out of girls room at a party
Because it wasn't his girlfriend's

I remember barricading the doors at work from non union worker trying to get in during a strike. I was shitting myself, but I wasn't alone.

I remember dancing with Georgia before she could walk. Later I remember reading stories to her. I remember her smiles and screams of joy reading "The Bear" story.

I remember when everything seemed so much more important, that the things we did were pivotal in some way. Things seemed mostly larger than life. Maybe it's just the hindsight talking.

Over time people mellow. We see the benefits in compromise, we curb our excesses, we grow up. Most of the time it's a good thing, but I guess I'm still looking for the next big thing - something to raise that emotion; bring back the flavor of life.

I wonder what it will be, and how soon it will take to get here....

One - Aimee Mann

Rumour has it the entire film "Magnolia" was dreamt up while listening to an Aimee Mann album. Depending on your opinion of Paul Thomas Anderson's work that may or may not be a good thing.

Yes Shaw, I know you hated it :)

I promise - this will be the last in the line of music posts. They come in three's don't you know.

Always a woman

I haven't heard this in ages. I remember borrowing this album when it first came out.
Shitty stereo, on vinyl, I played it to death. The thing I remember now is that I know the lyrics to every single song on "The Stranger" - I wonder in the age of the mp3 how common this is now.

Addiction needs a pacifier

GRRR moments;
1) One thousand three hundred emails upon my return to work.
2) I forgot that TODAY was my birthday day off - not yesterday.
3) Looked up at the clock expecting midday - it was 10 AM !!

Moving along.

I was trying to explain something to Niamh the other night.

I had an occasion to stand near the front of the ship in front during a beautiful sunset. I was alone, surrounded by and endless sea. As the sun set in its brilliance, the wind dropped I waited for an epiphany that... just.... didn't....come.

It was a waste of a perfect moment.... What I really needed was something like this :)

I see the universe.
I see the patterns.
I see the foreshadowing that precedes every moment of every day.
A part of me swims in the stream.
But in truth, I'm standing on the shore.
The current never takes me downstream

But nope - nothing... I hate it when life does that!

Random thoughts

I hate that when you see someone asking for money on the street, you immediately check run mental check to see if you're being conned. I hate that people can take advantage of others good will, to a point where we now think twice before offering our fellow man a helping hand.

I feel for parents who have young children on planes that misbehave prior to take-off and landings. I know it's often because they have to sit in their own seats and not Mum and Dad's knee; or that they're probably overtired and tantrum friendly. Still, all that aside I wish they could just stick them with an epi-needle and knock the screaming shits out.

I'm glad that after a stressful day in a foreign country, when you're hungry and confused with the new currency, you can walk into a McDonalds and feel at home again.

I'm disturbed that the loss of hair on your head doesn't automatically exclude ear or back hair as well.

I'm happy Walmart shoppers aren't always the same as they're perceived in the popular media.

I love it when you're expecting the third degree from custom and border security, and they meet you with a real smile and cheery disposition.

I really love it that I got in and out of Hawaii without getting fingerprinted or retinal scanned. I understand why, but I really believe you should be a criminal before being treated like one. But after you've proven to have committed a criminal act in a court of law - totally different story - go to town!

I hate how much you miss home, until you actually arrive back.

Back

I'm back after a 12 hour flight from Hawaii, and suddenly I'm in a New York state of mind...



No work tomorrow - it's my birthday "day off".

Shorts

I know it's overly sensitive of me, but I hate it when I see people reading a magazine from cover to cover, only putting it down only to pick another.

I know it might upset the balance of our delicate earth's ecosystem, but I'm wondering if the world wouldn't be a little bit better off without people always trying to get something for nothing.....

Time waits for no man

There's nothing worse than waiting for an email that may never come.

Expect perhaps having to pay 75cents/minute for the privilege :)

Forgive me :)

Sorry Niamh.

In any relationship, you're bound to slip at times, especially when apart over great distances.

Plus it's never cheating when you're not in the same zip code, let alone the same hemisphere - right?

And the Margarita's were divine, so that makes it OK - doesn't it ?

Love Markie x

Unfriending

The act of unfriending is a new social trend we all eventually have to learn if we're a Facebook user. Although the results are always the same, the reasons for unfriending are not always as simple as they first appear to be.

Facebook is an interesting social media machine; some people use it to collect as many "friends" as possible while others keep their social media connections to those they would truly call friends. I struggle when it comes to ignoring friend requests - simply put it's not polite to not extend your hand in friendship, but to do so to someone who has over 500 friends seems easier - after all, don't they have enough already?

I have less than 60 friends. Some are workmates, others are social friends, none are for status. In my time I have only unfriended two Facebook friends - for entirely different reasons.

The first was in my early days of Facebook. I got a request from a girl who seemed to know me very well - but for the life of me I couldn't place her photo in her profile. Curiosity won me over and I accepted her friend request, only to find she was a friends sister. Her hedonistic lifestyle eventually got to me; she continually whined about her lot in life, at the same time only too willing to bankrupt her doting parents by getting them to pay for everything, including the very house she lived in. Unfriending her was a simple act - I just didn't like her.

The last act of unfriending was driven solely by self preservation. After accepting the friendship connection I realized that very post on her page was a reminder of a life I could not be connected to; a constant prompting that, for whatever reason, any love we shared could not be overcome to create change. In a way it provided a deeper understanding that my love for her simply wasn't enough. Contrary to any opposing view I needed to accept that - but in a way her Facebook posts were a consistent painful reminder of that fact. It was unhealthy, and for completely different reasons unfriending was again a simple act. Although in this instance she still haunts me every single day.

I look at my Facebook inbox today and I see a request from a prominent Korean businessman, who has serious financial connections to my aunt: I think I've met him once. My dilemma; should I accept a request from someone who I don't know very well, yet may take my snub personally enough to impact on his business deals with my aunt. His request hovers in my inbox, neither accepted or denied. If only life were always that simple.

Inaction often seems simpler, yet achieves nothing.

Northern Exposure

Moorea Bungalow $950 USD a night - breakfast not included

At 2am this morning we silently passed over the equator. When we woke this morning I reacquainted myself with the northern hemisphere. By 10am we had already sighted the Christmas Islands, ironically named as it was incredibly hot outside, not incredibly wet like most Dunedin Christmas's I have experienced over the years.

As my cruise reaches it's end I'm both happy and sad. Happy because I'm starting to get to that period in any holiday when you get sick of being on holiday - perhaps not holidays in general - just the one you're on at the moment. If I was mega rich I'd always make a plan to take a holiday in the middle of my holiday before going back to my original holiday. By doing that both holidays would always be fresh and interesting; you wouldn't notice the twenty track CD in the dining room was constantly on repeat, and as a result wanting to drown yourself in the breakfast oatmeal to the dulcet tune of "suicide is painless", or as it's otherwise known name "The theme to MASH".

I still subscribe to the whole doing less, achieves more fun theory. Right now I'm once again in the ships library, reclining in a nice leather chair (fully clothed IG). I watch the day pass with the waves as we steer toward the Hawaiian Islands at a leisurely 16 knots. I of course have nothing to do but watch the majesty unfold - and unfold it does.

Just yesterday I won BINGO, but had to share my $84 with some chick from Australia because she called it at the same time. When I announced I was from New Zealand I got a huge cheer - perhaps because there were a few Kiwi's there, perhaps because I was wearing shorts - I am unclear which.

Tonight I have to attend a stag do for someone who's been married 30 years. Such are the complexities of shipboard life. Everyday they plead for people to attend the Jammers nightclub, but as it doesn't open until 9pm, most people are in bed. I would go, but the bar staff always burst into tears when I arrive - realizing that no one else will be attending. I always buy at least three drinks so the gratuity payments (automatically added) pay their wages for the night. I kid. Well kinda.

Gratuity is a funny concept, nope, on second thought I fuck'n hate it. Australian and New Zealander's don't tip. It's not that we're cheap - it's just that it's not in our culture. When you get good service you return to that restaurant; you tell your friends. That's how it works here. We discovered 3 days in to our journey that we were all being charged $11 per day as a flat gratuity fee - this on top of a 10% gratuity fee on all our drinks. As this was an optional service the next day there was a massive line to the pursers desk by irate Oz and Kiwi passengers getting the charges removed. Princess Lines are planning to add the charge to all fares in the future so you know what you're in for. Frankly I think it's wise - often those who travel from this neck of the woods aren't super wealthy, for some it's a trip of a lifetime.

Pet stingrays on Moorea motu. Brilliant!

I had to smirk the other day; like in the days of Titanic, there still remains a class structure on a cruise - even if it's self imposed. People at our dinner seating decided to treat themselves to something called "The Captains Sanctuary". For a nominal fee of $15 per person you can book time in a remote part of the ship with a full luxury service - food, shade, own bar staff etc. Thing was, when they went to book they found all the spaces were pre-booked by the more wealthy clientele - when they wandered by later that day they found no one there. One way to keep the commoners out I suppose :)

So today is my birthday here - I have duct-taped my Mums mouth shut, and she's under a penalty of death should she make a fuss. I just want to get away from it all and switch off. Surrounded by over 1300 people it's a bit tough. Still in the library at least everyone has to keep their gobs shut. Blessed silence.

Finally : I've been wondering.. do you "Love the ones you Miss", or "Miss the ones you Love". I've been thinking the latter.

What about you guys?

Low shoulder - through the trees

Liked this in a movie -hope it translates in Youtube, as my connection is too slow to view.

Anyway - enjoy (hopefully) :)

Bah! Birthdays!

I never liked birthdays. I think I may have mentioned that, for me, they're a measurement of progress; a time to take stock of certain things.
It's a waste of time, i know, but we are all wired a certain way.
Sometimes it can be a huge distraction; forever pulling me back to the same place to be measured against a standard that is continually changing; I can never win.

In my mind there were some things I wanted to have sorted by the 17th. The irony is that I can now only recall the things still outstanding. My life coach continually tells me I'm very perceptive; I'm thinking it's a curse of sorts, I often wish I was oblivious and unaware.

The risk of continually looking for answers, are getting some I suppose.

I once read a science fiction story where one of the sub-characters had a elective surgery procedure where he was left perpetually happy, not caring about any outcomes of life. Best decision he ever made he claimed - but there's the rub - He'd say that anyway.

Blissfully unaware, blissfully happy. I wonder if I could let it all go. I'm haunted by a memory of what life could offer, and what yet may be.

Another year: Still searching, still measuring, still learning.

I dunno - maybe it's a good thing after all. :)

Just to say

So, if someone says "You know I love you - right?"

Does that mean they love you, or simply that you should know that they do, without them actually having to say it.

Just wondering....

You can checkout anytime you want

As big as this ship is, I've actually been thinking; "How big is big enough?"
A week into my cruise and for the last three nights I've avoided the main dining hall; partly because of the people at my table, but mostly because I'm sick of the good food.
Discovering what you do and don't want to eat becomes more difficult as the cruise goes on - I'm thinking it's because you cant actually make anything for yourself, instead relying on others to read your mind EXACTLY.

I also miss my guitar and internet connection. I'm also thinking this may be more pertinent as time goes on. The heart wants what the heart wants, and doubly so if it cant have it.

A cruise ship is indeed like a floating hotel - but a hotel you cant really leave - at least not without getting very wet, or more importantly very drowned. Themes of "Hotel California" aside I believe that to enjoy the experience you have to make it less of one.

By this I mean, don't attempt to make the most of everything. Be lazy - potter about your cabin - don't feel you have to attend a lecture on Polynesia or Ceramic painting. Avoid the Bingo and the Bean bag Boulle - by all means lie in you cot and star at the ceiling - I will keep you sane when every one around you has slowly gone mad. [Note: This may have actually happened, given the behavior of some of the other passengers.]

I feel the ultimate day in a 'round the world' journey would start with a decent lie in, followed by bugger all else.

So - am I enjoying it ? The resounding answer so far is YES; but important in all this is never having to justify why - You just have to discover the reasons yourself.

Come join us - we are programmed to receive. :)

Clarification

Although I can often focus on the things that irritate the hell out of me - I must admit I'm enjoying the change of view, pace, and space.

I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to do this, as left to my own devices I'm sure I would have never taken the time to explore traveling this way.

So would I recommend this sort of touring?

Give me a few more days and I'll give you my verdict :)

Yikes !

Formal night tonight.

Hope I scrub up well. It's been a while....

Just hoping "they" don't look down on me :)

Food fight!!!!!

I now have definitive proof to the unanswered question; “Why are we alone in the Universe?”.

I should point out that I do not make this claim lightly. I have thought about this for almost an hour now, but unlike most of my fleeting thoughts - I still believe I am right in this.

Like most epiphanies, this though can in the most unlikely of places - the Lido deck of the cruise liner Dawn Princess.

I currently sit in the antithesis of the Lido deck. In the ships library there are still rules of etiquette to follow. Silence is golden, no one is chewing their cud, and the smell of old books fill the air. I feel the last vestige civilization surrounds me; a bastion of books to keep away the marauding horde of sheep - nay cows - shuffling between the pool deck and the food troughs.

God - I loathe crowds. Every day I find an area of the ship bereft of as many people as possible. Here, with nothing but deep blue ocean surrounding me I attain a small measure of self - disconnected. Here I understand concepts of “Far from the Maddening Crowd”, and “An Island to One’s self”; but at the same time I realize it’s always on my terms.

Breakfast and lunch offer two alternatives. You can either be served, or serve yourself.

Opting to be served avoids the crowds, and the fiercely pitched battles over table spaces, but inevitably has a downside - you never know who you’re going to be sat next to. Trust me: It could be just as bad. Another negative to this option is the size of the portions, and the time taken to dine; both decided by the hyped up waiter staff, who seem to be paid by a) the number of patrons they serve every hour or/and b) by how far they stretch the food budget. It’s a whistle stop tour - this silver service option.

Self service would almost be tragic, if it wasn't for all the adults playing musical chairs will full lunch trays. Those lucky buggers already holding a table stake, smiling with a false sense of accomplishment, are reluctant to give up their prize possessions, even well after they have eaten. There is nothing more demoralizing than seeing your fellow man walk aimlessly amongst the tables, his lunch ever cooling; a modern day flying dutchman - ever approaching an empty table, only to have it taken as he comes into range of possession.
I’d laugh if I sometimes wasn’t playing the dutchman myself.

Still, I cant help but smile when I imagine the production crew edit the day’s video tape and show it on some Asian reality TV show. It’s all there - man’s inhumanity to man. Class structures, and turf wars go head to head with the meek and the mad - stirring stuff, all ending as they finally find their spot to graze, smiling at those less fortunate still searching.

At the end of the day it’s just that simple. Why would you bother? There’s so many of us. We’re all on an important mission, and we’re always looking for that table to put our food tray on. We speak so many different languages - yet we are all the same. It’s a complex machine of people, places and purpose. Frankly there’s really no room for outsiders, except to look in and discover; so maybe, just for now, we’re really just not worth the effort.

I’m just hoping they discover the libraries.

Coral Sea

I find it somewhat humbling - traveling through the Coral Seas; where so many have died to protect the freedoms we now take for granted.
As I stand on the bow of this massive cruise liner, the sun shines down on a peaceful sea, as the wind blows past unhindered.
I wonder if this was how it was between the battles in the Pacific; between the horror of the war, a glimpse of the peace that was to come after.

No land, just an azure sea, and a total lack of perspective - except for our small part in the picture.

Yada yada yada

True Story

Albert, being one of the younger members of the cruising party, was always causing mayhem. Leading the remaining older passengers astray with his shenanigans, staff would always breath a sigh of relief after 7:30pm when everybody retired for the evening.

The Boat of Love

I'm hanging with Issac for the next three or so weeks.

When you think of me I'd like you to think of this theme song...



Good grief - just watched the video and threw up in my mouth a little.

These posts should come with a warning message at the beginning - not the end. Will post from the high seas, should internet be available.

Again sorry 'bout the clip.

Bye :)