Get a Perm Doug.

Winter is normally a great time for me - I can sit in my home for days on end complaining about the bad weather. After all - if the days were fine and sunny I would have to work harder at excuses not to go outside and be sociable.

I am between projects - which is a tragedy of sorts, because with boredom comes apathy. Normally I have something to inspire me through the winter months, but at the moment: not so much. I have noticed a disturbing increase in the amount of inane chatter I have been subjecting myself to when alone - that was until I stopped to listen to what I was telling myself.

No - it wasn't "Kill them all" :)

It was, in point of fact "Get a Perm". And it was from this;



So, even my subconscious is now telling me to live a little , and who am I not to listen. But I'm not going alone - I'm taking you guys all down with me....

So don't just stand there - Get a Perm !

I will post updates shortly with more instructions from the subconscious. Don't forget to remove your tin foil hats periodically to receive my updates :)

80's revisited

Did I ever mention I listened to too much Joe Jackson in the 80's? :)

Oz Crawl

Le fils de l'épicier

And it appears my love affair with the French countryside continues unabated.

I watched "The Grocer's Son" last night.
The love scene was a sublime mix of emotion and light.

Try and find it - hopefully you'll love it too :)

Dead wrong

Did I mention I was wrong the other day?

Well... obviously I'm often wrong on a daily or at least a weekly basis; so I guess what I'm hinting at here was some higher "degree of wrongness".

Having an elevated degree of wrongness provides that whole "it's nice to know every now and again when I err it can become a complete clusterfuck" kinda feeling .
It's also comforting to know that my errors are not always minor or trivial in nature. :)

OK - if I was to stand back and look at the situation through a less critical eye, I could probably admit it wasn't "that wrong", and that I was mostly "right" . But the fact I felt bad about the whole situation probably betrayed the fact I could have done better. I'd be lying to myself by making this picture too grey in nature.....

You know the one great thing about making mistakes? You live - you learn.
And maybe, just maybe, every now and again an old dog can learn a new trick.

Maybe :)

Delays

A few things yet to come, including a post about mostly being wrong, and still having trouble admitting it.
Perhaps, yet another less interesting saga about the dangers of burnout, but not right now...

For now is just a short note to sing the praises of getting away from normal surroundings, and spending time with people you've known long enough to call family.

That and copious glasses of red wine...
Friends and wine mixed with laughter - 'tis the stuff worth living for.

He said - She said

He:
I like how in some movies, the smallest gestures can say so much.

She:
Like?

He:
You know, like in that film "The Bridges of Madison County", when Meryl Streep's character is talking on the phone, and she quietly rests her hand on Cline Eastwood's shoulder. It's the first time they touch but it speaks volumes about their feelings for each other - in a simple way.

She:
She should have straddled him. (smirking)

He:
I give up!

People are always nice at Funerals

I hate it.

The same people who dissed him are now rushing to the stores to buy his albums. Do they seriously think they're going to stop pressing his CD's?

I liked the guys earlier stuff. I loved Thriller - and so did everyone in the 80's. The images from his latest releases - not so much.

I thought it was tragic he never had a childhood, and I didn't really buy into the media beat up. I ask you - where were those kid's parents? There was no real balance in the reporting....

Later I remembered the surgery, and Bubbles. I remember the calls for privacy; "Leave me alone" and "Scream". I never believed he'd be back - 50 concerts? I couldn't see it.

I remember the husk of the man he became, Peter Pan growing old.

I'm sorry, but I wont be nice at his funeral. He was a talented and flawed human being - but given the same upbringing who's to say any of us would have done any better. I know many of us would have surely feared much worse.

It's just sad he'll never really be remembered (so much) for songs like this;

Making luck

Being an Apple fanboy - I cant help but admire the glorious leader. :)

I've recently come to understand the axiom, "make you own luck". It's a lesson that gives you an opening - a chance at happiness. What ever happens afterward, lies in as much with the gods, as with each other.

from gizmodo;


1990
About this time, Jobs meets Laurene Powell, when he speaks at a class at Stanford business school. They exchange numbers. Jobs had a business dinner that night. ''I was in the parking lot, with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman? I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since.''

Seconding emotions

I've just finished watching Flight 666, the documentary of Iron Maiden's 2008 World Tour.

I'll be the first to admit I've never been a big fan of the metal pomp and ceremony stage show - I love my metal - I just hate the costume drama that sometimes goes along with it.

This flick however, is worth a watch in my humble opinion. Rent it :)

If I was to pick one small part that got to me it would be the shot of a fan from Bogota who is obviously overcome with the emotion at the end of the concert. The guy, possibly in his early thirties, holds back the tears, before breaking down just a little.

I wondered what sort of life he had - why he clung on so hard to this event, and why it made a difference....I love that the music touched him and perhaps made his life a little better for a while.

Moments later he composed himself, and made the cross over his chest, before blowing a kiss to the heavens. I know this sounds cheesy, but my hat's off to him. Such genuine emotion is not often seen in public.
I hope to feel the same way one day, but I worry my jaded sense of perspective will only serve to get in the way, when I should instead be celebrating something truly special.

Get a room already - now with Haiku!

Gotta new amp now
My mistakes sound louder and
Never like Mayer

:(

for the war that's raging on inside
oh, everyone believes
from emptiness to everything
oh, everyone believes
and no one's going quietly

The Big Sick

I'm not often sick - in fact the last time i recall getting a cold was about three years ago.
I've been battling the onset of the flu for some time now; a scratchy throat here, a sniffle there. Hitting the vitamins, and a few early nights did the trick every time - until it didn't.

It wasn't the swine flu, but the aftermath of this particular flu was a lingering malaise eventually diagnosed as a sinus infection - a first for me.

It wasn't so much keeping Kleenex is business for three weeks; it wasn't even the chorus of Mum saying "I told you you should go to the Doctor" for two weeks - it was the complete change in me as a person.

It really wore me down, and at the end it was like I was inside my body controlling it through a complicated set of cables and levers - it was me, but decidedly not. Gone was the patience; slowly but surely I started to shut down. No email or cellphone text replies - I didn't want to see anyone. Like Garbo "I want to be alone"

Unfortunately I was on call at work last week. I actually told the guy who called me out for the umpteenth time that he had lost his call out privileges - that he had called me too many times and he wasn't allowed to call me again. He was in hysterics on the other end of the phone - he had no idea I was mostly serious.

Eventually I took a chill pill. Eventually I took some antibiotics.

Slowly but surely I am returning to normal, but I've got to tell you - for a while there I was terrified that the new me was as good as it was ever going to get. It was really starting to bother me.

It's nice to be wrong.

Gin Wigmore - These Roses

I'll sing you a sweet song if you say to
I'll write you the saddest of all words, rhymes and phrases
I will be your everything and I'll try give you anything back but I

Cannot give you my love
No I cannot give you my love

When I got fight in these roses
I still can't be scared
I got stones in my pockets
I still can be shared
I keep you in my heart
To make this all harder
I will stay addicted to you
I will stay addicted to you

Take me down to the garden
Let me lay with you
Hold my hand
Don't let go
If you feel like kissing me
Do
Now there's butterflies in me baby
And I just don't know what to do
You could stand up straight
You could be the best of my dates
But I still would not see you for I

Cannot give you my love
No I cannot give you my love

When I got fight in these roses
I still can't be scared
I got stones in my pockets
I still can be shared
I keep you in my heart
To make this all harder
I will stay addicted to you
I will stay addicted

I'm a stones throw from heartache
Hear me crumbling, tumbling down
Is it too late
To lose faith
In everything working out right
We can say forget
Or forgive
But I cannot do that to love

The Shat Rocks!

I don't know if this is a tragedy, but I honestly believe that this is better that the Star Trek reboot I watched two weeks ago. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Know your rocks

I used to hate change.
There was something clean and simple in repetition, something I could measure and rely on... day after day after day after... well you get the picture.

Falling prey to the comfort of routine is something we can probably all attest to.
Comfort is a harsh mistress. Your daily "fix" of routines repeated; the comfort of a job done well, can mask the underlying evil that is very possibly controlling every aspect of your life.

Many years ago my goal posts were well and truly moved, and without even realizing it I raged against the dying of a light I should have extinguished many years before. When I left the field of play, I hadn't even realized although I'd won the battle, I'd lost the war.

Some time later, even after being made to watch "Who Moved my Cheese", I still really didn't get it. I hated the fact that someone else was force feeding me some Cliff Notes version on how I should live my life. How dare they!

I missed the point: I'll put my hand up and say it right now - I was wrong.

I now think change gives us all an opportunity to reinvent ourselves; to truly become who we want to be (whatever that may be). Unburdened by other peoples preconceived ideas of who we are, we can try and break free of the ties that bind, and the things that hold us back from our ultimate happiness.

As someone once said to me; "If the knot in your stomach isn't constantly reminding you it's there, you haven't taken a big enough step".

I look forward to my next challenge - and I hope it scares me shitless. :)

Next to Godliness

My house is spotless; spiderwebs that once wouldn't have raised my ire have been banished and my bathrooms smell ever so slightly of chlorine bleach.

My parents arrived last night.

After surveying all this "clean" in front of me I've decided that I need to invite people to stay more often.

Requests for catch-ups have already arrived on my cellphone. It appears my folks are in demand, and by association myself included (well hopefully) :-)

I'm taking a long weekend; there is much swanning around Auckland to be done, and so little time.

Mona Lisa Outcomes

This song has skirted around the edges of my subconscious for some time now.

Until you've seen this trashcan dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you

I miss you NFG.

It's simple

I feel the need for a perfect beach
on a perfect day; not too hot or cold.
With a constant cooling ocean breeze
we jibe and tack amongst the kelp and driftwood
in search of something we had all along.

Rock Stars for a Day

At the end of the my eighth year at school I was awarded a Merit Award in Engineering.

You might think that such an award would do wonders for an awkward thirteen year old. You would be correct, but it was also a curse of sorts. You see - one had to collect the award in front of a full school assembly of 1200 students and board members.

I vividly recall the stairs leading to the stage; the trip wires and claymore mines to trap those who dared step in the wrong spot. I recall the practices for the junior students, so they wouldn't fall and ruin the look of the whole prize giving event. Such was their faith in us.

No matter how hard they instructed there was always someone who failed the test; someone who didn't follow the teachers instruction to the letter, someone who walked a little too quickly, or didn't watch where they were stepping and caught the wire. Many people died during the Taieri High School ceremonies over the years.... or so it seemed...

I believe it was fair to say that after that initial experience, I shunned any possibility of overachieving again during my school years - which was a pity, as I really could have done much better.

When I moved onto my career in Telecommunications I gravitated to working with the most intelligent technician in the group. He didn't suffer fools, which was unfortunate, as I was quite foolish in those days. I did, however, survive the process to become "adequate" by my "Sensei's" opinion - which actually meant I was immanently employable when my employer decided we were both no longer required.

I've grown in my current job - my second real job - in some ways it has taken time to step out of the shadow of my origins, and with a little help from a brilliant manager, given a voice that is finally heard.

A lifetime away from booby trapped stage stairs, today my name was called and a walked up the stage in front of my peers. The trip wires were gone, replaced by spotlights and television cameras. I shook the hand of my GM and CEO, and along with others, thanked for going the extra mile.

I'd like to say the horrors of the past were gone, and with them the fear of success; but upon reflection I've come to realise all those events have only contributed to the mosaic that is my life.

For better or worse I am who I am...

OK there were a few Bacardi's as well :)

Money

There are levels, and there are levels. I admit on most days that I can play a guitar well enough to get by, but when I see a guitarist playing a left handed guitar with strings upside down, and it sounds this good, I wonder if I shouldn't face reality and just give it all up.

I mean - hard as it is to find someone to teach you to play left handed, imagine taking that one step further to play all your chords upside down as well. No-one teaches that.

Look at the guy with the red guitar, and witness something unique. His name is Doyle Bramhall.

Beautiful World

I threw this on a cd last week, and heard it for the first time on my way to work....

It's a simple little song that doesnt take itself so seriously; a lesson we could all learn on occasion. :)



I'm not sure Youtube will do this justice: the song is sublime, and so me right now :)

Chocolately peace

Things must have been bad today - in the middle of a meeting I made an excuse, and left to fill a water bottle.

Once outside I seriously contemplated not going back.

In what must have been a weak moment I grabbed a Snickers bar out of the vending machine while I waited for my water bottle to fill.

So ashamed am I :)

I know; it's my cross to bear, but i keep reminding myself that that chocolate bar saved some lives today, even if the warmongers in that meeting had no idea whatsoever.

I Need your Lovin'

Brilliant version from 2004 :

Dreams

I don't have many dreams of what the future may bring, but recently I have had a desire to retire near the sea.
I love walking on the beach, watching the waves meet the shore, no matter what weather.

Inside, behind my double glazing, and open fire, I'd love an open plan home with mezzanine floors from bedrooms above, creating the antithesis of living in a home where every room is closed to the one before.

I love the grandeur of vertical spires, and horizontal adjuncts that serve little purpose but to frame a desire; a desire to make something beautiful as well as functional.

This house has always moved me, and although my budget may not extend to this exactly :) , the ideas that went into its design, still live on in my heart.

OK - It was me

Richard Hammond - Telecom's new ad man

Now it's over, and the stress levels have dropped, I feel strangely weak - like I've just recovered from a nasty bug.

Telecom management (basically a pact of soul-less arseholes), have fessed up and admitted they "made a mistake" (not that they'd actually say that in so many words).

Having them call me and my fellow workmates incompetent was hard to take, as were their calculated mis-truths in the media. Make no mistake, we were right, and they were wrong.

How can I be certain ? I know this because "I" was a part of the team that discovered the problem...

While they're sitting on their nice leather chairs, icing their bruised crotches... I wonder if they ponder who the hell trained those bloody Vodafone Engineers that finally made them listen to the truth of the situation....

The irony is .... they trained us themselves ... It turns out most of us are ex-Telecom.

I really hoped over the last seven years they'd changed; that they'd finally turned a corner - but lifting the polished veneer, you can still expose the infection that breeds unchecked, and you sadly realise they really haven't changed at all.

So Telecom ...

No more stress working night and day to prove you wrong, when you wouldn't admit it yourself .
No more sleepless nights wondering what truth you would distort next.
No more selling myself short...

Tonight I'll sleep like a baby :)

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---

Vodafone goes to court alleging Telecom network interference

5:57PM Friday May 01, 2009

Vodafone is off to court to protest at Telecom's new XT mobile network, in the belief it is the source of interference on the Vodafone network.

....

Vodafone said it had begun the legal action following a significant rise in the number of customer complaints about interference on its network.

Testing showed serious interference to Vodafone's network caused by Telecom's network, which was still under construction.

and then finally after the dust settled

Vodafone says call quality will improve now Telecom 3G fight over

4:15PM Thursday May 07, 2009

Related links:

• Telecom delays XT launch after Vodafone settlement

Vodafone says its customers should notice improved call quality after sorting out its scrap with Telecom over the latter's new mobile phone network.

Vodafone yesterday sought an injunction to stop Telecom rolling out its new XT network on May 13, claiming its transmitters were causing interference to the Vodafone network.

But the parties reached an agreement last night which will see Telecom extending its programme installing filters to its new transmitters while putting back the network launch until late May.

Vodafone chief executive Russell Stanners said the agreement was good news for its phone users, who he said had reported call quality problems since Telecom began testing its new transmitters early this year.

Double negativity update

Normal service will resume when the only time not spent at home does not revolve around sleeping and showering.

I suspect - maybe Wednesday night I can elaborate, and "Yes" I am still sworn to secrecy...

But I'm still young on the inside!

I'm constantly having to remind myself I've grown up.

Today I had to wear formal attire to work for a high profile meeting. I looked about the room and felt so out of place; at least until I realised that so many people were looking to me for some answers.

I cant say too much yet, but huge things are afoot - at least a half a billion of them. All this while the tall poppy eradicator ambles ever so purposely in my direction.

We Kiwi's are our own worst nightmares - we need to accept it's OK to step up, and take charge when we need to - it's doesn't always mean we're full of ourselves....

Affirmations don't always do the trick 'tho - that inner monologue takes a lot of sating...

The Waiting

Pearl Jam's been slipping in under the radar of late. It might be the reissue of Ten, but Jeremy and Even Flow have been on my mind a lot lately.

Thoughts arrive like butterflies......indeed..

I was searching for a good version of The Waiting. I was looking for the Live Aid version - the version that started me on that whole Tom Petty phase - then I found this...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

New drug blues

Our office email is down; actually for two days now...

Except mine - mine works. Fate's fickle finger allows some of us at work to communicate - knowing who you can communicate with however, is a question best not pondered.

In the meantime I send emails with some trepidation. I must admit a certain thrill - living in a world where your thoughts and instructions may never meet their destination. Like some Pony Express rider being taken out by a bullet as he rides between stops, I wonder; will the mail get through?

That aside, the worst thing is the lack of incoming mail. I've never been so bored, so lacking in the daily distraction: I've been so focused it's killing me.
Tasks that would have spanned days can now be addressed in hours. Uninterrupted I am slowly going mad - it's like working on a construction line that has no end....

When I walked out of the office on my way to lunch, I started humming that old crappy song "I Wanna New drug" by Huey Lewis and the News. Hours later I realized I should really think about taking up nicotine patches.

I've never been a smoker. I hate the thought of drawing smoke into my insanely pink lungs, but nicotine patches - well they cant be carcinogenic - right?
Those smokers - they walk away from their desks all the time - sometimes in pairs even! They get to go outside - they chat and laugh. They really know how to live this "work life".

So tomorrow maybe me and some of the guys will go on the patches. Don't worry, the irony hasn't escaped me entirely; work hands them out to the smokers for free :)

Left field music

Try to ignore the hair - yeah, I know - it's kinda hard.



I love watching the dynamics between the couples, wondering what the back stories are.
Some appear pretty damn hostile :)

And as for this next clip; well, as Joss Weedon once wrote "You cant take the book of my life and just jump into the middle".

A better ending

The letter I was writing a couple of posts back was nearing completion when a text arrived.
The message I couldn't see myself delivering as an email, was better explained in person; engineered by fate, tinged with a little sadness.
The positive thing; this meeting with destiny, regardless of outcome, was the best way to end a chapter in the book of our lives.

Sorry to be so cryptic, but I cant be more specific without permission :)

This just in...

Esplanade: St Clair, Dunedin

1) There is a God - nothing specific as of yet, except to say that he (or she) has a developed sense of the ironic and a good handle on fate.

2) I have found that a fresh sea breeze is as invigorating as a pair of heated gym shoes. I am now looking for the ever elusive "third thing" to complete the trifecta.

3) I should give up on photographing landscapes - I am seriously shit at them; probably because they almost always leave me cold..

More on this as it comes to hand......

A two quarter life crisis

I've been writing a note in my head most days since.
I'm trying to get it down right; it's not something you can re-do when (or if) it goes wrong.
I often have revelations when I wake in the early hours; the sound of my humidifier dripping water in its tray lifting my consciousness. Still, you're reluctant to write anything down: a fear of the nonsensical and saccharine meeting the cold light of day and its reality.

When Meg Ryan romantic comedies no longer cut the mustard you wonder if ;
a) the last vestige of romanticism left has evaporated from your psyche,
b) you've just grown up somewhat or
c) you're just too old for this shit.

Regardless, it will be written, and it will be done.

The most important things to leave; no doubt, two clear possible outcomes, and pleasant memories for the salad days.

P.S. Everything is fine :)

When bad grammar and nudity collide

I find it odd that even though I probably have a slightly more appealing torso, I cant bring myself to display it in the company of my friends at a pool party, let alone 20,000 people at a Rugby League game....like this striking gent.


I guess in this dog eat dog world of "you either got it or you don't"...

I simply don't (got it).

A lighter interlude

Even though summer has almost left us, the days are mild and the sun still warms my shoulders on my way to lunch. It's days like these I'm reminded it's OK to like a sunny song that puts a spring in your step, even if they have a "best by date".

Angels with dirty halo's

So; I watched the final tonight - and I have to admit I wanted some closure.

The Sackhoff/Bamber arc held some special significance for me, so after all this time I just wanted a happy ending for these two. Turns out writer/developer Ron Moore had other ideas.

Regardless of what life throws at you, two people should be able to overcome anything to be with each other; well, at least in the "movies".

Hey - It's not like I always want the happy ending, and ....

I guess I shouldnt really gripe when some show on TV dares to follow the conventions of normal life to negate the ending we desire, denying us the one time and place when such an outcome might actually be possible.

Yeah - I know - I'm working on making it real, but deep down I still wanna be surprised by this mixture of faith, experience and substance - this "Life Pie".

Yet, the taste is still a little bitter for this "saps'" palette I'm guessing.

A rushed trip home.

Grief is the universal leveler - eventually it will visit us all.

I'm continually amazed at the different ways we deal with this emotion; some bear it stoically, others give in to the moment and wear it on their sleeves for all to see; most, somewhere in between.
There is no right way - no wrong way; it's an individuals choice, or perhaps lack thereof that pushes us in the direction we must go.

Surrounded by those who care, people reacted as they always do; a universal truth.
I cant help but wonder how confusing the service may have been for the rather mature five year old, who sat next to her mum and dad, as we said farewell to a good man. She was starting out on her own path, learning the greatest lesson of all - that all this too will come to pass, and that many good people, like Bob Gilles, will be taken from us far too soon.

Talent

Michelle Pfeiffer's version of Rogers & Heart's "My Funny Valentine"

Last Chance Texaco

Musically, I've got a lot of it wrong, I've had my share of Milli Vanilli's....

I'll never regret my Rickie Lee phase tho :)

With great power comes great responsibility

It's hard to explain the first time I put my new glasses on.
Is was if I was missing the spaces in between. In some ways it felt like I had been bequested a super power of sorts - do no evil with this "crystal vision" a silent voice in my head intoned.

My particular issue was with astigmatism. On the most part I see really well - it's freaky in a way because I have an issue distinguishing between a "b" and a "p" at a distance. It's not like everything else is out of focus.

But when I put these glasses on, the world shifts a micron of a degree and everything flows into a perfect symmetry. Things go sharper than sharp. Super sharp - if you will.

So now I have this super vision thingy....

By day, mild mannered cellular engineer; computer screen, mouse and keyboard - others not suspecting. By night, I guard you while you sleep. (OK - more truthfully, I fuck with your cellular coverage, but I digress...)

I nod at the "others" in the office - we are everywhere, we spectacular men. It's only my first day, but I understand there's a league one can sign up to if one is inclined.....

Psst - Did I mention the guys who made my frames make these?


The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision. - Helen Keller.

Living with a 21 year old facebook friend

When I was asked if she could stay with me for a five week placement I was apprehensive.
My life of late has been so busy that my home has become my fortress of solitude; the place I go to escape all that stuff "out there".
I wondered how difficult it would be to have a flatmate for 5 weeks. I worried that I'd become so reliant on myself, that letting someone else in might be a stretch for me.

I needn't have bothered; the five weeks flew and we had a ball.

I wasn't around a lot; but that's my life right now. Tiffany took that all in stride, dealt as much shit as she got and (hopefully) enjoyed her stay. The neighbours gave me the sideways glances; hanging with a girl half my age, thinking the worst or the best; take your pick.
I'm not saying it wasn't fun watching their faces change when I explained the actual situation: mental self-chastisement in full swing.

I must tell you though, it was weird wading past the mine field of woman's underwear on the drying rack in the hallway every morning. My poor TV; subjected to any and every soap opera known to man between 5 and 8 pm every day, not to mention the in depth discussions on why I couldn't watch New Zealand's Next Top Model

Me: they're only 15 to 17 for God's sake, it's perverted !
She: So what, get over it !

So - before I knew it I'd let this monster in, and before too long my home stopped smelling of boys, and took on a more sophisticated aroma of girl/boy and (I think) many varied hair products.

But today the hair straighteners are packed away, the shower de-gunked of long blonde hair, and a calm has settled over the maelstrom that I have called hurricane Tiffany. No more jokes about the bookshop ringing to say my porn has arrive (read: computer mags), or the "taking it to the grave" secret pact about that one time we went to KFC because we couldn't be arsed cooking.

The scary thing is I think I'll miss her - or that might just be the KFC talking to ya.....

Circular logic

I made this T-Shirt a while back, which touches on the concept of eternal return;

Eternal return is a concept which posits that the universe has been recurring, and will continue to recur in a self-similar form an infinite number of times.[Wikipedia]

On my green T-Shirt are the words
"All this has happened before, and all this will happen again."

It's not that the struggles we endure are made less by this thought; but it is comforting to understand that although these issues are personal to us in so many ways, we are not unique in our efforts: someone has been where you are now; tomorrow, another person will take your place.

There are so many ways to get to the same end solution. Hated or loved, selfish or altruistic; maybe we'll get it right the next time, if we don't manage get it right this time around.

What ever choices we make doesn't guarantee we wont get a bruise or two through the experience 'tho.

Watching the Wheels - a metaphoric tale

I did something different today.

Rather than fighting the fires that fanned my frustrations, I simply let go of the wheel and let the car crash.

The funny thing was watching the higher ups run to take control, not realising the car itself was heading toward the cliff at break-neck speed. It was a stick - and you know that managers just cant drive sticks.

I, on the other hand, stepped out, and rested under a shady tree while the tragic comedy unfolded for my viewing pleasure. After that I went out for long lunch.
Returning from my break, blood sugar now under control, I observed the aftermath with a less critical eye. I started to feel for the car; the old feelings were hard to hold back.

But for today, I'm not giving in to those morsels of regret.

Fuck 'em :)

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

The Delux Cheese Sandwich Post

I think the reason I haven't been posting that much lately, is because everything is becoming more real; and when things become real the gloss comes off for me.

Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing; clarity comes at a price, just something I didn't want to pay for right now.

It would be easy to say I've been working long hours, and split shifts; that I've been worn down around the edges: and that would be true. But through it all there have been less "uplifting" moments of late.

It's important to say that this has nothing to do my friends at all - I was recently in Dunedin, and had a ball, but I have to realise I cant live my life entirely through a great group of friends and family: I have to be happy within myself as well. Finding the joy in everyday life should be a life mission for us all. I'm sure you'd agree.

I was chatting to a friend [1] the other day, and in a totally roundabout way she made me realise, that in so many ways, I haven't really changed at all.

This little gem of information knocked the wind out of my sails. With all these changes, all my person successes, the confidence gained over the last six years; deep down I am fundamentally the same person making the same mistakes over and over again...same same - but different.

Now, after this revelation, I'm actually wondering if it is physically possible for me to change?

The total irony around this is that I'm continually told I give great advice - people thank me all the time. Now i understand it's more a case of "do as I say" rather than "do as i do".

The time is coming when I must admit that choices have been made for me; and no matter how much I would resist it, I need to find a way forward without her.

It's just a bitch when freedom from choice is exactly what I want right now...

[1] Yes - you Shars :)

Destined to be cold

When once asked for his description of hot, Robert Downey Jr. stated "Destined to be Cold".

One could dwell on the rise and fall of Creed.
One could discuss the train wreck that was Scott Stapp; the destruction and recreation of a career built on the sands of cynical complacency, shifting to the tune of the next big thing....

Or, you could be a better person and just listen to the song in the context of its place and time, and without prejudice, simply enjoy it for what it was: Four minutes and forty seconds of history. [1]



I think that's a great way to look back at the past; plus I always likened the bridge to what falling in love must be like - but I'm not talking about with whom.

[1] OK, maybe I can't back that up

In the company of men

There is no understating the company of men. We men are complex islands in a rough sea of misinformation. Misunderstood, and relegated to mere simpletons by those who don't understand the complicated undertow of emotions; it's not easy being us, yet we endure.

Yes, we make mistakes; some bigger than others to be sure. Yet in the company of men we rise to the top; we become all we truly need to be; ourselves.

We drink, we smoke. We spill beer on the carpet and play our inappropriate music too loud: but in the "man cave" it doesn't matter. This is the domain of men - and here we can do no wrong.

Clay chips fly with time and conversation over the sea of green. Odds weave and bob with the tall stories between the swells of laughter. Among the sounds of bluffs and bids, we stake our claims and make our plays; if only across a jade felt table.

And for this short time we truly are Ibiza...

I'm still getting the "dear" thing.

"Is that all Dear?"

Today, of all days I get it not once, but three times.

I wonder if I'm giving off some kind of asexual aroma; some kind of anti musk that not only inspires checkout operators but now (apparently) girls in their mid twenties, and pregnant waitresses. Its this all I have to look forward to now?

I suppose it's a loose term of endearment; a safe way of being friendly to someone you don't know... It wouldn't bother me if it wasn't for the fact, well ...
.....that it bothers me.

It's like that episode of "Friends" when Ross has to learn to talk dirty because all he's getting is snuggles from his girlfriend. Especially the part when he fails yet again; only to mention to the other guys he's happy that he got to snuggle...

That is until Joey asks (sarcastically) "How many times"?


Anyhoo............

Dateline Thursday; as the world turns, I find myself typing this mini-rant from a hotel room in Christchurch....
Today it appears that I find myself in the eye of a storm. The quiet is deafening; as I walked through my day it seemed less rushed; steps less forced, words few and far between.

I appreciate these days of calm - they are rare, and if I am to make some changes, days like these can only help in the cognitive processes.

I'm starting with some aftershave - or at least a shave.

I dare you to call me dear one more time - I double dare you !

Where's Wall-E?

Predicted Future



The here and now


image source here

This has motivated me to start running once again.......

Utterly Falling Down

Now I would be the first to admit that Oasis are a gormless load of twats, but this particular song resonates with me somewhat.

Could it be the image of someone utterly living a lie?
Could it be the image of someone utterly miserable living a lie?
Could it be the fact that the girl concerned is utterly stunning?
Could it be that I'm getting old; and therefore prone to forget what sorry excuses for human beings Noel and Liam are?

Or could it be all of the above?

So, against my better judgment Oasis - Falling Down; and remember - one swallow does not make a spring.

Not quite an intervention

IG always jokes about me packing up everything I've borrowed over the years, sending it back to him, keeping things nice and tidy, before I prematurely shuffle off this mortal coil. At last reckoning all I have of Ian's is a Staind and Season 2 Office DVD. I'd imagine he'd fair shit himself if I ever got around to returning them - all because he'd have no barometer with which to measure my mental pressure.

So when my cellphone rang with his number I expected much of what transpired.

[paraphrasing - but not by much]

"So, you'll pack up and send all those things of mine before you top yourself, wont you ?", he asked.

Note: Guys are sensitive creatures, and apt to tiptoe around the subtleties.

I explained that all was well, and that he wouldn't be receiving any unexpected packages in the mail. I continued to reassure him that although things were indeed strained at the moment, they were being dealt with and that hopefully some resemblance of normal would resume - probably after April 2009.

Undeterred he continued to press on the availabilities of other objects d'art that might come to light due a potential immediate demise on my part.

"So, remind me again, do I get your Capri, or does Matt?"
"What about the DVD Collection?" he pressed...

It'd times like this I'm once again reminded how dear my friends are to me, and what lengths they will go to to hold on to something I once owned.

Well that's how I'll be choosing to see it anyway.....

At times the negotiations would move outside, and much progress would be made in a more conducive atmosphere. This security cam picture shows a post coital beer and cigarette after the critical Capri landmark decision of 2008 was finally agreed to. *

* The car is to be crushed then set on fire - not set on fire then crushed as initially proposed.

Stuff I wish they'd told me

But they didn't


Laura Roslin: My only concern about you, is that you're so hell bent on doing the right thing, that you sometimes don't do the smart thing.
Lee Adama: Well - I'll try and be smarter, and wronger...

So, here's to being smarter and wronger ! :)

Nuff said

A powerful song for a powerful emotion.

There are few things in life to get worked up about; but this is one.





This one goes out to the one I love.

Back to the bard

I may have posted this before.
I am nothing, if not consistent

Simple emotions call for simple tunes.



And as always I love the bridge

I'm unclean, a libertine
And every time you vent your spleen,
I seem to lose the power of speech,
Your slipping slowly from my reach.


Happy weekend folks

Cynical Moi

It's easily to be cynical; because even if you get it wrong, the next moment you can always say "Wait until next time".
I used to be all about the Hallmark moments when I was younger. Now for me it wouldn't be so much about making a scene, but about making every moment count.

Saturday the 14th is when you'll see jewelery and flowers go up in price. At times like these I'm reminded that all this isn't so much about how much you're prepared to pay, but how much every other day should serve this purpose.

So perhaps instead of buying a card, flowers, or jewelery, you should remember the simpler things. Like the times you've thought of your loved one; perhaps before you dropped off to sleep at night, or when the day afforded you a break, and presto; there they were.
If you think of all those instants, and your possible inaction due to so many reasons, then perhaps now would be a good time to say how much they mean to you, rather than having the flowers say it for you.

Some of us don't have the luxury of that opportunity.

Always with you, always with me

When I used to listen to a lot of guitar metal, I fell in love with this song.

The part at 3:07 always makes me smile.
The whole song shows you how beautiful songs can some from any genre, and that love has no boundaries, at least where music is concerned.

The song breaks off at 4:25 before Joe moves into an interlude of "With a little help from my Friends", which may be a bit much for some tastes.

Go on - Embrace your inner "metler" - why don't ya :)

Finally

Saw this at the Spare Room yesterday...

A seven year old just back from the Dentist, after having a tooth removed.

THIS was how I felt last week - well kinda....

Because my Magic 8 ball told me to

Weddings - oh how I dislike you so.
Sorry, but even after all these years, I'm not entirely sure why yet.

I love the fact that one of my Auckland friends has made short work of what others may consider a major obstacle, to be with the one she loves.
The upside of this, another friend to brighten my day (and take my poker chips). :)

I love that fact that we all got to celebrate in your happiness, and share your day.

Somewhere there is a reason for my apathy, my reluctance ; but today isn't about me - it's about you.

Like I wrote in your card;

You two are the best
So it's no surprise you've found each other
Love always
Mark. x

Walking in slow motion

I'm walking through a mental soup, or so it seems these days.

For what seems an eternity I've been working a rather destructive combination of nights and days. The oppressive heat in my valley has compounded my sleeping issues, and like an unpicked jumper I am slowly unraveling: I know this because everything tastes of newsprint.

You see - In my younger years I worked in the publishing department of the Otago Daily Times. This is a fancy way of saying I loaded newspapers onto a truck. At the time I was still at school, and to this day I still recall waking up the next morning, exhausted, with the taste of newsprint in my mouth.

As the day draws to a close I find myself sleeping fitfully on my bed while the fan whirs in the background. It's 29 degrees Celsius in the house, even with all the windows open the humidity saps you of what energy remains. No rest for the wicked.

The weird thing about this all, is how unreal the world has become. It's like you've come off some mind altering drug, and only now see things as the really are. Of course you haven't, but the view is interesting nether the less.

So while it lasts, my days will be fill of caffeine, paracetamol, and other soup strainers. I have noticed a tendency to stay home and away from others. Absent friends are on my mind (specifically one), and I'm not entirely happy with my lot.

Still, all is not lost. This project wont last forever and there's always the chance that tonight my sleep apnea will finally kill me :)

Poetry Corner

I'm not much for poetry but I've always loved this one;


Brown Penny

I WHISPERED, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.

O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

William Butler Yeats

Rough Justice for the RIAA

Oh - this is classic!

BOSTON - Fourteen news organisations are urging a federal appeals court to allow online streaming of a hearing in a music downloading lawsuit the recording industry filed against a Boston University graduate student. The Recording Industry Association of America is appealing a Boston judge's decision to allow the webcast, which it says goes against federal court guidelines on cameras and threatens its ability to get a fair trial.

New organisations argued in their brief there was "nothing inherently harmful" in camera access to oral arguments, and countered the RIAA's claim that online streaming could be manipulated, saying the potential to edit video is no different from the potential to edit transcripts or a reporter's own notes. The news groups said the webcast would allow for more accurate reporting.

The news groups filing the brief includes Associated Press, New York Times Courtroom Television Network, Dow Jones & Co., Gannett Co. Inc., The Hearst Corp., Incisive Media, National Public Radio, NBC Universal Inc., Radio-Television News Directors Association, The Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press, The E.W. Scripps Co., Tribune Co., and Washington Post Digital.

Is there anyone in the RIAA's corner in this?

They have to be the most hated regulatory body in the world.

Swimming Pool Therapy

I stood at the edge looking down.
After a moment I knelt.
I reached in; the water warm and clear.
I hung over the edge; arm up to my elbow, I stirred the warm waters.
As the chlorine quietly rose from the surface, the memories of what seemed like a hundred summers past soared upward, destroying the funk, that to that point, had ruined my day.

It's all about flying kites

Warning: Dont watch the vid - you'll go blind.

But the music on the other hand is all you need to know about flying kites - and that's about all I gunna say about that.




Big blue skies and an open field
My right hand on the steering wheel
Two young lovers runnin' wild
We bought string and a brand new kite
We couldn't wait to watch it fly
But it flew too high, it flew too high

Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'

So I took your hand and you took mine
And we waltzed togheter in time
But looking back I guess I didn't know
That I was in love and you were letting go
It's funny how your mind plays tricks on you
Seemed like the higher and higher we flew
You took off and I was made of stone
I was made of stone

Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'

Here comes the wind let your string unwind
Run as fast as you can in your mind
Back to a place that you never forgot
Before everything was lost
I don't remember when we ran out of rope
When we did we lost all hope
And we just stood there cryin'
That what's we learned about flyin'

What the hell were we thinking?

Ahhh the 80's



It was fun while it lasted tho - right?

My own private Idaho

I have an accord at home.

This may a scary statement to make, especially for those of you who know I live alone, but I have an accord never the less.
Well; actually i had an accord: now, not so much.

The opening act of aggression started yesterday while I was driving home on the North-Western motorway; a daddy-long leg spider swung from my sun visor causing me to swerve ever so slightly in my lane.

Understand this:I hate fucking spiders.

In recent years, however, I've grudgingly accepted they do a lot of good around the house, so as long as they leave me alone and don't invade my personal exclusion zones I'm pretty OK with the status-quo.

After my return from three weeks in Dunedin, any onlooker from afar would have been shocked to see me madly run from one side of the house to the other; raised broom in hand, swearing vehemently and loudly.

People: there is nothing as icky as walking into a simple strand of web in the dark.

During my three weeks away a couple of spiders had taken squatter rights above my shower, near the roof. After two days they didn't take the hint and leave so I ushered those two particular arachnids to the afterlife, only to find others return in their place.
Still, all this aside, I cleaned my space of webs, and awaited their response.

I contemplated the coexistence of man and spider over the next couple of days. I pondered our unspoken agreement, specifically around my personal space. I reasoned that they didn't pay rent and made a bloody mess about the place; but still, I hesitated.

But when that prick of a spider flung itself into the field of my peripheral vision, on its suicide mission toward my genital region, all thoughts of a peaceful outcome were moot.

Upon returning home, I nuked the fuckers!

As I see it

Right



Wrong