I think the reason I haven't been posting that much lately, is because everything is becoming more real; and when things become real the gloss comes off for me.
Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing; clarity comes at a price, just something I didn't want to pay for right now.
It would be easy to say I've been working long hours, and split shifts; that I've been worn down around the edges: and that would be true. But through it all there have been less "uplifting" moments of late.
It's important to say that this has nothing to do my friends at all - I was recently in Dunedin, and had a ball, but I have to realise I cant live my life entirely through a great group of friends and family: I have to be happy within myself as well. Finding the joy in everyday life should be a life mission for us all. I'm sure you'd agree.
I was chatting to a friend [1] the other day, and in a totally roundabout way she made me realise, that in so many ways, I haven't really changed at all.
This little gem of information knocked the wind out of my sails. With all these changes, all my person successes, the confidence gained over the last six years; deep down I am fundamentally the same person making the same mistakes over and over again...same same - but different.
Now, after this revelation, I'm actually wondering if it is physically possible for me to change?
The total irony around this is that I'm continually told I give great advice - people thank me all the time. Now i understand it's more a case of "do as I say" rather than "do as i do".
The time is coming when I must admit that choices have been made for me; and no matter how much I would resist it, I need to find a way forward without her.
It's just a bitch when freedom from choice is exactly what I want right now...
[1] Yes - you Shars :)
2 comments:
I don't know, I think that people ARE capable of change, and being able to really see yourself is the first step. You can't change something if you don't know exactly what it is.
You continually amaze me Jay.
Your writing, your love for life and your strength. You simply rock.
Plus you introduced me to Jasper Fforde - that alone deserves a sainthood. Hmmm...St Jay of the Martini has a certain ring to it - I'm sure you'd agree; and as for the comment I agree wholeheartedly :)
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