My kind of town

The Dunedin Octagon

I was going to write a little bit about my home town, but I've found that Wikipedia has already done a good job here.

And yes: to those of you that have been here, the sky is blue, and note, not a drop of rain in sight. :)

The Dunedin Railway Station

It's fair to say I don't get home enough, and when the time comes to leave, it's never easy. After the beautiful weather I've experienced over the last six days I can't believe I gathered up enough courage to leave in the first place. It's been now almost four years I've been away - and those years have simply flown.

This visit I've spent the majority of my time visiting friends, and family: I've found it hard to "get over" how quickly my friends kids have grown. And as with all good holidays, I've drunk and eaten too much good food - I'm not looking forward to the running required to offset all this good cheer.

The Dunedin Town Hall

I think a shift back to Dunedin will be on the cards eventually. I wonder however, where I might find a place to fit when I return. Until that day comes I have until Anzac Day to make the most of my time here.

And a good time was had by all

Not me - again

Thanks to Shars, IG and many others my birthday celebrations were a success. It was exactly what I wanted - a chance to catch up with my Dunedin friends, and have a great time.

It was funny to see the large array of wigs being worn - all due to the theme, which was "Dress how you were when you were 20". Not when I was 20 - Craig (who wore his school uniform) :)

When I walked in It didnt even recognise Petri with his "Series 1 Black Adder" Wig - I actually waited to be introduced. Absolutely brilliant.

Petri

I did however notice a distinct lack of walking frames, which I believe will be paying a larger part in 20 years when I am planning my 3rd "20th Birthday".

Thanks once again to those of you who took part in the celebrations, and also to all the well wishes from friends overseas, and out of Dunedin - I look forward to catching up with you all soon!

M.

Nervous - moi?

Oh yes.

I'm having a birthday party tonight.
Shars has organised the whole thing for me, as it's being held in my home town of Dunedin.
I just realised what an effort she's gone to - and I'm a bit over-awed.
Supposedly I have to do "the speach thing".
I have a softball (the size of a basketball) in my stomach, and there is no alcohol in sight!

Gulp...

Good Friday?

God: Thou hast forsaken My Church!
Homer: Uh, kind of, b-but...
God: But what!
Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
God: Hmm. You've got a point there.

From Homer the Heretic

I realise now, that my last post may not have been entirely appropriate; given the fact Easter is upon us.
If either of the two people reading this blog are offended by my impending minister-ship, I offer my apologies before I am struck by lightening or some sort of Jihad. Rest assured there is no celibacy clause Green St Girl: that was the first thing I checked.
Religion is a funny beast. I have my own beliefs, and fortunately for you they don't involve;
Forcing them down your throat.
Singing and dancing.
Or speaking in tongues. Ok - perhaps the odd stream of swear words bursting out without warning - it's tourettes I tell you!

I wonder sometimes, where we would be without a certain moral core, and although religion has a lot to be blamed for, I can't help but wonder where we would be "here" without its fundamental teachings.

Whilst it is true to state in the past some of the nastiest people I have personally known regularily attend church services, this is no longer the case. I don't hang with them anymore.
Any one person in this life who feels they have a get out of jail free card, that allows them to do unto others in any way they see fit because they attend church, would be in for a big shock if I was God. There's no room in anyones master plan for that sort of bullshit.

So be you Christian or not, enjoy this day - but in your own way. Many have made sacrifices that allow us to live the lives we do. Every now and again we should remember that we have a responsibility to make the most of the life we were gifted.

Bored? Get Ordinated

Whilst surfing some blog sites (as you do), I happened across the Universal Life Church, and saw this;

The Universal Life Church (or ULC) is a religious organization that offers anyone immediate ordination as a ULC minister for free. The organization states that anyone can become a minister immediately, without having to go through the pre-ordination process required by other religious faiths.

So what can you actually do with these newly developed powers?

ULC ministers are authorized by the church to officiate weddings and funerals, perform baptisms, hold services (also called meetings), and other sacraments and rites regularly performed by ordained members of clergy and part of the particular belief system the minister represents.

I love the concept - that the proper religion may differ for each man, and everyone is entitled to choose his or her own religion. No one should be criticized or condemned for wanting to practice the belief of his or her choice.

Call me Minister Mark and respect my author-i-ta!

Things you didn't know

Tom Cruise can act

A controversy in the making perhaps, but I've almost always maintained that Tom Cruise can act. Though his choice in dramatic roles severely limit his acting range, I firmly believe that if you show you can act in one movie, then any number of Mission Impossible's aside, you can indeed act.

That one movie, in case you were wondering, is Magnolia. I believe the man should have won a Oscar for his role, but the movie was a "difficult child" for the Academy, and so that was that.

Mr Cruise has taken a lot of stick over the last year or so. His fondness for scientology aside, there was the couch jumping session on Oprah, and more recently his impending fatherhood, and marriage to Katie Holmes.

Until recently I had no idea you could buy an adult pacifier - I would hate to guess where to buy one, although there was that disturbing episode of CSI, featuring that store where grownups could purchase adult diapers. Trust me when I say you don't want to know more.

Yes my friends - Illusive as finding that photo of Tom Cruise standing on a plastic box next to Jason Lee whilst filming a scene for Vanilla Sky, Tom can indeed act, and in the immortal words of Forrest Gump .. "That's all I'm gonna say about that".

Except to say watch the damn movie. Beware tho - It's no Risky Business, and that's no bad thing.

There's snow on them dere mountains

This isn't me

Once a year I love to head down to Queenstown for a couple of weeks to hit the slopes.

Skiing is an aquired taste - I remember the first attempt at skiing was on a trip to Coronet Peak with a group of work mates.

Back in the late 80's skiing gear consisted of jeans and a woolen jersey, with plastic over-trousers if you had a pair. Needless to say that if you fell over a lot you started to look like a Yeti (sorry IG). I can still remember the laughter from the ski tow line when you came down the hill.

The only other thing I remember about that weekend now, is wet jeans get damn cold after a few hours. Oh - and Dangermouse peeing in a coke can - then accidentally spilling it on Simon Smith when he threw the can out the bus window. Not a good look.

Now days skiing seems much more about fashion and equipment than the actual skiing itself - don't get me wrong: for some skiing is the true source (whatever that means), but for the majority it seems another measure of status.

For me skiing was initially a break from my work, but over the years it has become a battle to improve over the year before - a challenge to ski harder and harder runs with more ease, and on the odd occasion - style. I still face the first day with trepidation, but after that day has passed I cant wait to book another lesson to get to that next level of ski-godliness.

Tyler (left) IG (right)

Often Tyler Knows Best and IG accompany me, but last year IG dropped a bombshell - after years of trips to Queenstown he admitted "I don't really like skiing". As Tyler's second child will be due about the time we hit the slopes in 2006, an extended stay would be unlikely, so this year will mark a change in the old traditions, hopefully just in the short term.

I can only hope for some great snow, and a short line to the tows - roll on August!

Class Structures

Flying home from Melbourne on Monday, I realised how "second class" airline travel could make you feel somewhat inferior.

Firstly, as an elite traveller you don’t have to que to check in. You also get to board after everyone else has been seated. During the flight you get better food, and service. You get a comfortable seat that you don’t even have to return to the upright position before landing. You disembark first when you arrive at your destination. Your baggage comes out of the carousel first with a priority sticker. You are more important, and perhaps, more deserving than those around you.

I know you pay for the privilege, much as someone may decide to pay for an escort or even a lap dance; I just can’t help but think that at the end of the day the seller gains more than the buyer.

I understand the concept, but it doesn’t always gel. An example: whilst browsing through the yellow pages, looking for a restaurant recommended to us, we came across the escort section. We were amazed to find the most expensive escort one could purchase in Melbourne was $10,000 per night.

I can’t, for the life of me, understand that (or the argument that ten $1000 escorts would be a better option).

On the plus side, the people in first class all appeared kinda funny looking, if you know what I mean.

Big Baddaboom

I return from the Melbourne F1 GP full of new idea's to blog.

How rude people are on airplanes
How the class structure is alive and well in airline travel
How loud is a Formula 1 car is at 20,000 rpm
The joy of jumping timezones, and daylight saving in the same weekend.

Need .... sleep.....

Ironic

Watching television, then on comes an advert for a local liquor chain, offering a free bottle of wine when you buy 12 bottles.

Because we live with the legacy of cigarettes and liquor, it's ok to drink and smoke. Supposedly, successive governments make more money in tax from cigarette smokers than the costs of any resulting cancer treatment; so in actuality smokers are subsidizing the rest of us.

So when you take into account the damage that liquor causes to our society, isn't it absolutely stupid that it's still legal, unless, of course, the health system wouldn't survive without their taxes....

Imagine if we went back in time and changed a few things....

Cue new TV advert

Today at "tokers" With every third bag of crystal-meth, get a free bag of LSD-doped grass. For a limited time only.

The problem is never moderation, but excess. Often those left behind learn the lessons, instead of those setting the example.

Crisis - What Crisis?

Recent discoveries at George Washington University Medical Center show that the aging brain is more flexible and adaptable than we previously thought. Studies suggest that the brain's left and right hemispheres become better integrated during middle age, making way for greater creativity. As our aging brains grow wiser and more flexible, they also tend toward greater equanimity. And a great deal of scientific work has confirmed the "use it or lose it" adage, showing that the aging brain grows stronger from use and challenge. In short, midlife is a time of new possibility. But that doesn't mean we can sit back and expect good things to happen: several types of activity can, if practiced regularly, help boost the power, clarity and subtlety of the aging brain.

Frak me - roll on midlife Crisis!

Tuesday whimsy

This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that "Cellar Door" is the most beautiful.



Rent this movie

Hopes dashed

So - I was reading Dooce today, thinking what an amazing writer she was, and by extrapo-thinking, how crap my scribblings were in comparison.

Why are her posts so grown up, yet mine strangely immature and unimportant?
Then it struck me - my posts are not really about me, but small portions of me.
The trouble is a lot of people who know me read this, and I now find myself asking "Is this a limiting factor in my blog"?

Was talking to Tumorboy tonight - and again he gave me a few idea's of things to blog about. I often wonder if our conversations aren't something out of a stoner movie, when the next day, straight again, you reach for the pad where you wrote down some imazing ideas to share with the world, only to find "What if cat was spelt D... O... G "

Still- while things are still clear in my mind I must simply state Tumorboy's new idea for a "Survivor" type TV show. He calls it Survivor Kitchen cubboards.

In this latest reality television spectacular, families would be locked in their homes, having to survive on what they had in their cupboards. The last ones out win. Imagine what shocking things could happen if ;
The TV stopped working AND
The phone was disconnected....
Imagine the challenges, families playing board games, reading books, communicating: what horror!!! I can't wait!

In that ilk I was wondering what other "Fractured" Television shows we could invent. The mind boggles.

A reality TV show that follows a bunch of burglars 24/7 - and how they never get caught - because the Police have more pressing things to do.
A story about an incompetent Doctor who finds new and exciting ways of killing his patients, whilst getting off scot free - a type of Anti-"House" if you will.
An edited drama made up from the video documentation of real lives of our parliamentarians - juicy stuff indeed. Scandal, Power and the Passion.
Or even better, a composite show - where a team of highly specialized burglars break into to parliamentarians homes - cleaning them out. Or having their cars stolen, or having then wait for hours in an A&E.....the list could be as long as the common man's suffering. See Helen Clark suffer as she sleeps outside "Real Groovy Records" overnight to get a NZ ballet ticket - only to find the scalpers have cleaned them out and have them on trademe already.

(Sigh) ....and I had such high hopes for this post...

Brokeback Part2 ?

Just going for more "balance" I guess !

Diablo Rocks!

Diablo had one of the first blogs I came across, and I still visit her site daily. She has a unique writing style that may not appeal to all, but you have to admire her integrity and her extensive vocab.

Anyway her book "Candy Girl" is out now - I've been trying to get an autographed copy for ages but unfortunately there are no scheduled book signings in New Zealand any time soon.

Here is her appearance on Letterman from Monday. Isnt the internet amazing!

Balance would be good.

Back pain has stolen my otherwise sunny disposition. Things are on the improve tho. The constant ache from my back may have biased my blog but not as much as the real world can offer in return.

So much in the news these days seems unbalanced - I'm not talking reporting bias in the media (this time), but a skewing of certain things that, to me, just dont make sence.

First is the awarding of 25,000 to a convicted paedophile who's rights were violated by Police, because they told the community where he settled that he was there (living next to a kindergarten). Now this guy has offended on numerous other occassions, and even if you dont buy into that arguement, the state hasn't paid any of his (very young) victims any money at all. It's just not right.

The second thing is the recent spending of taxpayers money by Labour during the recent election campaign. Now I dont care which party spent tax payers money - but if I spent $400,000 of it and the Police said I was wrong, chances are I would be arrested, or at least have to pay the money back: but ....no to both counts. Dont even talk to me about David Benson Pope. Guilty as charged say Police - but wait - no charges. David Fararr has various articles about this on his blog ; including this article.

Finally the story of three Police Officers on trial for the rape of a woman.
If they did it - they deserve to be punished. I just think the charge for laying a false claim of rape should be the same if the reverse is proven true.

On the good news front the IRD is now allowed to "let people off" with honest mistakes - about time I say!! Well done.

Finally Have a look at the Uncyclopedia - a great piss take on Wikipedia ( the online encyclopedia) . Some classic entries to be found on New Zealand for example.

Enjoy, and have a great day today :)

Would you trust this woman?

Would you believe this woman utters the final words in series two of Battlestar Galactica. And those words would be;

Humanity has surrendered The war is finally over. We must now fulfill our true destiny. So we will love them and take care of them, Show them the glory of peace. And like God, our infinite mercy will be matched, Only by our power, and complete control.

So if you answered yes - you would be wrong.
Sneak clips of season three appear here. Just press the button with the long haired Starbuck.
Also a series three synopsis is here. Beware spoilers enclosed.
Yes I know - I am a geek.

Short survey for you

Had an interesting result with this quiz about you "Love Secrets".
Give it a go and let me know if it's complete bollox :)

Talking cats

Just trying to embed some video. If youre interested in talking cats try this link. About 3 Megs for those of you on dialup.

Scrabble Queen would approve!


Enjoy :)

Fingers crossed please

This weekend I'm off to fly my "Chopper" for the first time.

Hopefully afterwards, it will look the same - but just in case I thought I better take a photo !

Talk to the hand

High on the release of her last book Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, Lynne Truss has released her latest masterpiece Talk to the Hand: The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or Six Good Reasons to Stay Home and Bolt the Door.

Inside are absolute gems on how far people will go to be polite, including a good, dark little story ..about a well-bred country gentleman with suicidal intent who felt it wasn't right to shoot himself before entering his own name in the Game Book....by the way, he listed himself under "Various".

Chapters discuss the missing "thankyou", why you are the only one being polite these days, the issue of personal space, amongst other insights to the daily use (or lack of) politeness in our modern society. Her writing style is brilliant - and of course the punctuation and spelling are top shelf as well.

Just the other day Tumorboy and I were discussing the interaction of opening a door for another person. This is a complex equation, and contains the following variables. Each can add or subtract to the weight of the door being held open.

Distance of peson to the door.
Speed of the person walking behind.
Do I know the person?
Is the person pregnant?
How old the person is.
Is the person attractive?
Is the person pushing a pram?
Is the person holding a huge box?
Did the person smile?
Do they look angry/crazy?


Obviously there comes i time when the door can no longer be held open...

They are too far away
They walk to slow
They are a skinhead
They slow down as they walk to the door.
They slow to chat to someone else.


The door opening equation is very hard to calculate, and sometimes, as in life, we make the mistake of holding on, when we should just let go.

And the fact some tossers never acknowledge you efforts dont make it any easier the next time either.
A pox on them I say!

The Perfect Post

Denny Crane.

Something is wrong here

It's ridiculous - at what age these days must people take responsibility for their actions?

When do we know right from wrong?

Definitely not at 1 or 2, or maybe even at 3 years old. But I would hope that at the age of 12 you should have an idea that aiding in tormenting a schoolmate is wrong. But to try and play down your responsibility in the girls resulting suicide, is morally repugnant.

In my opinion, to tell the Herald on Sunday they weren't "the only ones" responsible for the girls death, just adds insult to the injury of losing a loved one in such a manner. I hope they wern't paid for their interview.

While I believe that over time the feeling of guilt may fade for these girls, I can only hope they use this horrible incident to shape the future of their lives; to rid their soul of the nastiness that may harbour there, and not chat about it to a Sunday paper like it was yesterdays news.

Thanks Frankie :)

You Are a Retrospective Soul

The most misunderstood of all the soul signs. Sometimes you even have difficulty seeing yourself as who you are. You are intense and desire perfection in every facet of your life. You're best described as extremely idealistic, hardworking, and a survivor. Great moments of insight and sensitivity come to you easily. But if you aren't careful, you'll ignore these moments and repeat past mistakes. For you, it is difficult to seperate the past from the present. You will suceed once you overcome the disappoinments in life. Souls you are most compatible with: Traveler Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Friday Blogger - The Census according to IG

As I filled out my census form, I discovered I live in a 2 storey 7 roomed dwelling with my wife and parrot. I walk to work and we don't speak Maori at home, we have 1 car we don't use and we burn stuff to heat the place, I also discovered I was someplace else last census and probably should have tried harder at school. I find it hard to believe that any of this information could be useful to anyone other than me, but as they said we are going to grow so we need to know.
I really think they missed out a lot of more relevant questions they could have included;
How long did you spend in traffic this week?
How much did you spend on alcohol or smokes this week?
What did you steal from your work this week?
How many people do you know who are on a benefit who shouldn't be?

These questions seem to be more relevant, but they are not politically correct.
I feel the census is a load of bollocks but it's not Kiwi to question why are we're answering these silly questions. I look forward to the results of how they interpreted this data, as I am sure it will have a real effect on the next 5 years of my life until the next census.
As you may have detected I am not the biggest fan of the census but we have to get on with it as they said "we are going to grow so we need to know"

Rude People Part1 - People in Cars

God: people are so damn rude these days.
In a "so called" developed society, I can't believe how rude people can be.
Today I was almost run over the center-line into oncoming traffic by a fuckwit in a truck carrying a shipping container, who thought it might be a good idea to run up the non existant left lane, inside me. I actually had to slam on the brakes because he obviously operated on three distinctly different theories;

1) That his truck was way bigger than my car
2) He had his front wheel in front of mine (an old car racing rule)
3) That he was a fuckwit.

Actually, although the first two items were also correct, the fuckwit notion obviously took a precedent.

People can be very rude in car's. Personally I wish I had the power of telekinesis. That way when a complete tosser speeds down another lane, ripping past a long stream of traffic only to pull back in front at the front of the slow queue, I could mentally blow up their car's engine!

Is it wrong to want to physically pull that person out of their car and ask them why they feel themselves so important by putting themselves ahead of everyone else, whilst at the same time punching them repeatedly in the face? I suspect it not to be a good move - however there should be laws to deal with the bad behavior in the first place, and perhaps a pat on the back for those administering a little attitude correction.

I have come up with a list of instant fines, in lieu of an impromptu roadside facial renovation for the follow pet peeves.....
Intentionally merging into the front lane of slow traffic, after pulling out to pass all the other cars in that lane.
Intentionally pulling out of their lane into a merging lane to get ahead about 10 cars before contributing to the traffic bottleneck the were avoiding in the first place.
Stopping in the middle of the road lane to let their kids out.
Rubberneckers - who cant help but slow to 10 kph to watch someone on the side of the motorway change a tyre.
People who do 80 kph on the motorway - when the speed limit is 100.
People who constantly change lanes, without realising they aren't actually moving ahead of everyone around them.

Actually forget the fines - just sent in the "heavies". We could even televise it. Just imagine - film the infraction, them film the retribution. It would be gripping stuff. A great ratings buzz. Especially if the punishment could ironically fitted the crime. I think I'm on to something.......

I better call my agent.....

In the meantime here is an abridged email from Tumorboy on issue with accidents on his street. More car rudeness I tell you - the only rudeness allowed in cars my friends, should be the back seat variety only!

As a resident of Rawhiti Rd I would like to let you know what I think [of the recent car accidents]
The intersection itself is perfectly safe, but the behaviour of a majority of road users travelling through it is dangerous. I have observed this intersection and have to say it is rare to see cars stop at the Stop Signs.

The reason for this behaviour can often be attributed to a phenomina which I will refer to as UMSS (Urban Motorist Shortcut Syndrome). I will explain... Motorists in an attempt to reach their destinations (eg home, work, bakery, Lotto Shop) will shortcut through urban sidestreets, to avoid major intersections. On taking these shortcuts the UMSS sufferer is overcome by the need to ensure his shortcut is indeed a shortcut!
The nature of a shortcut being that the motorist must arrive at his destination earlier by taking the shortcut means he is compelled to travel faster and if possible not stop.
So he speeds and ignores Stop Signs as he travels through these quiet safe streets; hence the large number of crashes and near misses at this and other intersections in our neighbourhood.
This raises the question, when is a shortcut not a shortcut? Answer - When you need to speed to justify it!

Grey Days abound.

I'm just humoring myself that my opinion matters.
You will never know the exquisite pain...
of the guy who goes home alone...
because without the bitter, baby, the sweet ain't as sweet.

Haiku Tuesday

Lord of the icecream haiku

My ice cream is cold
A promise I made today
Will haunt me tonight

Findsomeone Haiku Part1

A message in my in box
Surprised, no one more than me
Stuff this up i will

Findsomeone Haiku Part 2

Bellybutton fluff
Conversation starter hell
Not Brad Pitt, am I


Haiku is such fun
five syllables to start it
Five, seven then five.

Give it a go!

Sorry for bug'n ya

Is force feeding a hunger striker torture?

I remember Bobby Sands, back in the days of the IRA bombings in London, and how he became a martyr to the cause of northern independence in Ireland, when he died during a hunger strike.

Now the Voice of America has an article of force feeding of hunger strikers at Guantanamo Bay. Persons' on the receiving end of this "treatment" have stated hunger strikers were restrained and had large feeding tubes forced down their noses and throats, causing them a great deal of pain.

....Lawyers for a detainee at the U.S. naval base in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba say the military's method of force-feeding hunger strikers amounts to torture. A legal move is now underway to stop the force feeding.

I'm finding myself conflicted. On one hand these people don't have any legal rights where they are, and now even their human right to a peaceful (if not fatal) protest has been taken away. On the other side of the fence, the United States has some responsibility for the heath and welfare of their Prisoners of War (I'm not sure they have POW status tho)....

I just wonder if the forced feeding of these detainees isn't so much for the prisons benefit, but rather for the ongoing information gathering by the US Military - but I'm prepared to be swayed on this if you can offer a good arguement.

What bothers me is that Guantanamo Bay has been used for a specific reason. Detainees are not afforded the rights of any citizen under US Law. Detainees can be held indefinately without charge, and information extraction (torture?) is ongoing without any end in sight.

But what bothers me more is our willingness to do and say nothing about the whole issue.

Comments are welcome - please!

It's madness I tell you!

Talking to FacilitiesMan today at work, the conversation eventually moved to the Internet dating scene. And among other things we talked about how some peoples expectations of potential suitors may be a tad on the high side.

Now, I know why I have got to my current age without getting married - That is obviously because there is something fundamentally wrong with me. The sad point about "some" people on Internet dating sites is that they do not, in any shape or form, realise they also suffer the same malaise.

Some people think they are living in a TV series like Beverley Hills 90210, or perhaps the latest variant on that theme - say The OC. You would have to be living under a rock not to notice that non-reality based television, is full of extremely beautiful people who all think they are ugly. In this alternative reality they all have good jobs, or rich parents with trust funds. And their life is.... so... hard

In short, for most of us, this "dream" is simply not a reality.

And sooner or later people should have to face up to that fact.

Some of us are short, some tall - most are average.
Thats why it's called average.
We aren't all beautiful in a TV reality sense ;
We have good days and bad days.
We don't always look like we've walked out of a salon
(except maybe Tyler).
We sometimes say the wrong things at the wrong time,
we forget birthdays (Sorry Shars).
We can let people down.
We are REAL, and we have real flaws.

We however, also have a great capacity to do great deeds. Curiously this has nothing to do with our height, looks or income. And for that I am eternally grateful.

Another "true" story

A Sudanese man has been forced to marry a goat after he was caught having sex with the animal.
The goat's owner, Mr Alifi, said he surprised the man with his goat and took him to a council of elders.
They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15 000 Sudanese dinars, nearly £40, to Mr Alifi.
"We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together," Mr Alifi said.
Mr Alifi, told the Juba Post newspaper that he heard a loud noise around midnight and immediately rushed outside to find Mr Tombe with his goat.
"When I asked him: "What are you doing there?", he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up."
Mr Alifi then called elders to decide how to deal with the case.
"They said I should not take him to the police, but rather let him pay a dowry for my goat because he used it as his wife," Mr Alifi told the newspaper.

Missing in action

While having lunch today, I mused over the "plastic" cheese slice i was putting in my sandwich. I'm lactose intolerant but for some stange reason these slices of "magic" cheese have no nasty side effects.

Work mate Muzza came into the smoko room and on seeing my cheese slices proceeded to tell a story about how his children demolished a packet on 60 cheese slices in one day. One of the other guys in the lunch room entered into the conversation saying how he missed the Chesdale cheese segments. All of a sudden you could have heard a pin drop. I stopped in horror. I hadn't seen the chesdale cheese segments in the supermarket for years, and suddenly a feeling of loss swept over me. How remiss was I in not noticing a kiwi icon disappearing.

In the immortal words of Rob from High Fidelity.....
What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

So had I forgotten the cheese segments first - or had their omission been the cause of my memory loss. Either way there was obviously some skullduggery on the part of Chesdale to secretly remove the segments - obviously if they were to make their removal common knowledge there would be an uproar. Bastards!

I think "they" secretly rid kiwi icons from our supermarket to slowly wean us onto generic world wide brands. Maybe even the most iconic kiwi brands will one day be a distant memory - and one day we will all be looking at our cup of teas in confusion, one empty hand will waver near the brim of the cup, the memory of the gingernut biscuit, long forgotten, but, in some instinctive sense remaining, as a part of race memory.

What other things have gone missing, taken from us? It's time to make a list before ... I....forget.....

Chicken of the Sea Unite!

Isn't it funny, that those who take the extreme moral high ground, almost invariably fall from grace in the most horrific way.
An example of this phenomenon is Jessica Simpson, (who once pledged her virginity to her father until she married - yes, you read that right) may have been having an affair for a number of years with Maroon 5's lead singer Adam Levine. It "appears" that her recent marriage collapse may have been the direct result of that infidelity.
It just goes to show you that, supposedly "having it all", doesnt necessarily mean you have it "all" together.
I find it ironic, now this information has come to light, her husband Nick Lachley has decided to petition for spousal support, stating that his own income has dropped, as he has invested more and more of his time investing in his relationship with his wife. As a full partner in the relationship, with no prenuptial agreement (Jessica's idea I understand), Nick stands to gain half of his wife's 50 million dollars empire, as well as ongoing alimony.
Karma's a bitch eh.

Something wicked this way comes.

Look at the coming revolution. And be afraid - be very afraid. Hot among the news that Music Copywriters will soon be looking to sue people who put lyrics of their favourite songs on the internet, here is news that Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has done an about face, and now "has reversed its position on CD ripping and now wants the practice outlawed."

Readers comments include the following gem outlining how ridiculous the situation could get.

For example, I own a LP of Led Zeppelin II, I want to play it in my car, I would have to purchase the cassette of it (this is in the 80's). Now, I want to play it in my truck (now) I have to buy it on CD (again buying it) Yesterday my girlfriend gave me a MP3 player. To play Led Zeppelin II the way THEY claim is legal, i have to buy the media AGAIN... That is FOUR copies of The Lemon Song....

and a possible outcome....

The RIAA can eat me
I used to buy a couple of CDs or more every pay day. Now, those greedy maggots are turning on their own customers. I have almost completely quit buying music at all. I've got hundreds of CDs, had to buy extra storage for them...and now they claim I don't have the right to copy them to a digital player for my own use. I hope their entire industry goes bankrupt!

Also from Kiwiblog, David Links to a fellow NZ blogger who sees a day when the internet will no longer be a free and frank medium of exchange, because corporations want to limit speeds and services for their subscribers, depending on what other services they can on-sell. An example of this sort of thing is not being able to use a P2P shareware program on one ISP, but being able to do so on another.

I heard some time ago that Telecom were looking into ways of slowing down Skype "packets" to stop this technology being used on Xtra, in competition to Telecoms own fixed wire network. Now in fairness, this was second hand information, but it did ring true at the time.

My point is that sometimes this World Wide Web poses "issues" to telecomunications companies - and they will try to limit these effects as people develop new and emerging technologies if they impact on their bottom line.

The battles for future freedoms may not be fought in the trenches, or a battlefield, but against telecommunication companies all over the world, by people who refuse to let them strip away their rights without a fight.

Never take for granted the freedoms we have now, or we may lose them forever.

Judging Books by Covers

In a belated Valentine's Day tribute - perhaps one of the nicest love songs, from a potentially unlikely source. Kudo's Mr Smith.

Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream she said
The one that makes me laugh she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I’ll run away with you
I’ll run away with you
Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
Why are you so far away? she said
Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you
That I’m in love with you

X marks the spot

This is my first time… please be gentle…

Whilst walking to work this morning I came across a tourist information board. Yes! Believe it! Dunedin has tourists! On it there was a graphic depicting the town centre with an “X” and the words “YOU ARE HERE”. Upon reading this my initial reaction was one of relief (conformation that I am in fact really here…very reassuring!) then after suppressing the urge to write “Yes. But why?” in big red indelible letters I started thinking how useful it might be to have these markers in other aspects of our lives. Imagine you’re at a party, having a good time, completely oblivious to any dangers that might be lurking ahead when you come across a marker that reads “X - YOU ARE HERE: Three drinks away from bumping structures with the Russian mail order bride” (We’ve all been there…) Or maybe one seemingly innocent afternoon you’re browsing Trademe and a marker pops up “X - YOU ARE HERE: 2 clicks away from buying 2^nd hand urban camouflage pants” Think of the embarrassment and suffering that one might avoid with a little forewarning. We can all pinpoint a moment in our lives when we wish there had been such a marker. I wish there had been a marker at the top of the Skyline Luge in Queenstown that read “X – YOU ARE HERE: 5 minutes away from witnessing Mark hitting his head on the mind your head sign at the bottom”. Had there been I would have found a Japanese tourist and mugged him for his video camera… *sigh*

Friday Guest Blogging

Every other Friday I will invite a non-blogger to have a say on this blog. Today is the first such occurance. Please welcome "Tyler Knows Best" and his contribution to my blog.

Stupid Headlines from 2005

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

The Great Auckland Swap meet.

One of the weirdest things about Auckland, is the non organic rubbish pickup every two years. Every two years you simply put out all the rubbish you can't put in a recycling bin, or kleensak, next to the curb to be picked up by the council.
If it wasn't odd enough that for a couple of weeks your subdivision looks like a South African shanty town, you still have to deal with the people taking stuff off your pile to take home.
I'd like to point out that this is not a casual "theft" by someone walking past who picks up an item and continues: some arrive in trucks to take your stuff away. One of my workmates put out an old broken shower door, and the next day the aluminium surrounds were stripped off and only the rubber and glass remained. I guess it's just a redistribution of wealth - well at least as far as rubbish is concerned.
As these collections cycle through different parts of Auckland throughout every second year, it must be a full time job for some of these guys.
I cant help but wonder if I should join this madness and throw some stuff out - but I'd always worry that my stuff wouldn't be worth collecting. What would I say to the neighbours then?

The Real World

I was thinking about how people see themselves in a relationship, and how unreal that view might really be. Having seen how a relationship works from the outside I now realise that if you actually set out to look for it - you may never achieve it. I have come to recognise certain aspects of relationships from an outsiders perspective. This may prove useful in the search for a girl at findsomeone.
The first universal theme involves the male in the relationship passing wind, followed closely by the partner complaining about it. This seems to only serve to encourage the male to once again to pass wind, in what quickly becomes a never ending cycle of gas and complaints. I am unsure if there could be a role reversal here, as I've yet to find a woman who admits they "pass wind".
The second common theme, is an ongoing struggle over who does a meaningless task. The task isn't important - What is important is that neither person wants to do the task. Obviously there is much to and fro'ing over the task. Any third person present would gladly do said task to shut the whole to and fro'ing thing down. But you soon realise that the couple would then pick another task to try and get the other to do. In short you cant win - and neither can they.

This is not unique to any couple - so if I know you - and you're a couple - chances are I've seen you do this. I must point out I'm not thinking of any one couple - Youre all the same!!!

So If I have any chance of finding a suitable girl I must change my online dating profile accordingly. I should add - Can pass wind, even under duress. Can do most tasks but not if you specifically want me to.

Any other skills required for a real relationship I should be developing? Do Tell!

Tyler says no

(An artists impression of Tyler knows best)

Finally something to really get upset about. Seems Bollywood are remaking Fight Club.

This is a great insult to Fight Club fans the world over and I for one will not be eating Indian food for a week - in protest!

On a lighter note Russian girl Elena has had her structure removed, and can no longer be contacted.

It's all about context

After a week of toncilitis, swallowing is still something akin to eating very sharp glass. This coupled with a lot of night work, and corresponding lack of sleep, has curtailed my normal happy happy joy joy existance, and I have truely become surly boy!

Of course the following message on findsomeone didn't improve my mood either:
Hi friend! My name is Elena! My 25 years, my photo you can see on my structure. I to become interested in your structure and I wish to have in the future with you the correspondence!!! I wish to find out better, write to me on e-mail 2$5^&##@yahoo.com. I wait for your letter!!!

So when a couple of days ago IG sent me an email contailing this link, I didnt expect too much, but instead found a real jewel. Even if you've got a dialup link I'd download this one. Kudo's IG. May your structure always be sturdy and strong like bull.

The story thus far

(with help from the Cohen's and Bill Shakespeare)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date

Translation: You're hot, but I may have left my run a bit late.

I fear this whole interweb dating is starting to wear a bit thin.
Time marches on, Adour cools. Perhaps it wasnt the best idea.
Attila the Hun. Ivan the Terrible. Henry the Eighth. What do they have in common?
Obviously the same middle name - but my point, as I meander through this post is...
That perhaps those of us that are single, are because we are meant to be - and that it is just that simple.

Perhaps....The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.

I will however keep you up to date with the latest happenings, as they come to hand.

Religious Intolerance

I've been trying to get my head around the riots over the cartoons appearing in different papers around the world.
I can understand the depth of some peoples convictions when it comes to their faith - but when people promote bombings in retaliation for newspapers publishing these cartoons, I lose my patience. If you are insecure in you faith enough to destroy innocent people over this issue, perhaps you shouldn't be a part of the society you live in.
There's a lot of things I don't like about the society I live in, but I know the alternatives are much worse, so I'm prepared to make the most of where I am, and try to make it better. In this respect I have absolutely no problem with the local Muslim community protesting over the cartoons, as when the Catholics protested over the "Virgin Mary in a condom" incident. The right to protest, and free speech is an important method to sway public opinion - for the better or worse. Violent protest never accomplished anything. A great example of the power of peaceful protest was the Civil Rights movement in the United States. With peaceful protest they have accomplished more than any attempt by any other group who insist on violence.
Perhaps Islam, in it's current form, has no place in the western world - when the rules that apply to all other religions in the western world cant apply to it. A society has to benefit the people that live in it, or else what is the point of having a society? I cant help but think this entire problem has its root in oil supply - and I hope when we move from fossil fuels to an alternative, the reasons for many of these conflicts will change - hopefully not to be replaced by new ones.

New Zealand Day - 3rd time lucky

Have posted this three times now. The Blog must really hate it as it keeps disappearing :)

New Zealand Day.

There's a great sound in those words. New Zealand Day - a day to give thanks that we live in such a great country. But this year I just won't call it Waitangi Day. I won't call it Waitangi Day because to me Waitangi Day means protests and mud slinging, and a day where a very small minority make the television news for the same, pain in the arse reasons.

This is a day when anyone looking in from the outside would think we are the least united. This legacy of past wrong-doings and the corresponding settlement process must have an end. And please make it soon.

New Zealand is full of people from different ethnic origins. In the most part these people want to take part in our society in a positive and beneficial way - they want to take the best things from their culture and make it a part of ours. In short "They want to move forward".

I'm really glad that most Maori people feel the same way - and I've heard that Waitangi is a great place to go over the long weekend - a carnival of sorts, with lots of fun to be had. But it all doesnt just happen there. New Zealanders' all over the country take to the beaches, and the parks to enjoy a day, tailor-made for us. I just want this day to reflect on us all - as New Zealanders, not just focusing on 10% of our population.

Be proud of what we achieve, and be proud to be a New Zealander. Remember - We are one nation - and it's time to celebrate that fact.

You complete me.

Having not seen the Evil Weevil so far this year - we arranged to catch up last Monday. As is a normal occurrence for our meetings we usually have dinner followed by a movie. Now I'm a bit of a movie snob, so on occasion I ask that the other person choose the movie. That way I often get to see films I would normally avoid - and perhaps become a little more balanced in the process. Sometimes I get to see some amazing gems, and sometimes not.
This time Evil Weevil chose "Just Like Heaven".

The film was mildly entertaining in a chewing gum for the mind kind of way, but I found myself wondering if the plot was any more (or less) far fetched than a Michael Bay extravaganza - like Pearl Harbour. Well I said to myself - at least Pearl Harbour happened, and although there were no ghosts per say it was no worse for their omission. It might have been better though.

But Reese did a good job - the movie was warm and tender, with ... ok it was bollox, but what do you expect.... If you want to see Reese in a drama go see "Walk the Line". Resse is simply the next Meg Ryan - and that's all I'm going to say about that.

This lead me to think about romantic dialog in movies, and how if people said what the actors said in real life, how unlikely the romance would continue. Take for example this dross;

I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

Ahhhh... The word STALKER comes to mind...

Here are some other examples of swoon inducing moments in cinema....that just cant work in real life. And if they did work you'd probably be more than slightly worried......

"You complete me"
"You make me want to be a better man"
"Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat."

"I like to start my notes to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we're the oldest and dearest friends- as opposed to what we actually are- people who don't know each other's names and met in a chat room where we both claimed we'd never been before. What will NY152 say today, I wonder. I turn on my computer, I wait impatiently as it boots up. I go online, and my breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words: You've got mail. I hear nothing, not even a sound on the streets of New York, just the beat of my own heart. I have mail. From you."


So a challenge for you, constant reader, is to find a romantic movie quote that wont work in real life, and post it as a comment. And don't forget to have fun!

I hate telecom - Part 2

Don't make me angry - you wouldnt like me when I'm angry......


"I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How've you been?"

Truely, it pissed me off when I see telecom's share price rising on the back of crap emphasis in the media.
telecom shares rose 10c, or 1.8 per cent, to $5.76 in early trading today despite the telco reporting a $466 million half-year loss.

Read that carefully..... Shares rise - after telecom report a half billion loss.
So why.....

"Not so much the financials, but the mobile and broadband numbers. Both have surprised on the upside very nicely."
telecom chief executive Theresa Gattung said mobile connection growth was strong in the quarter, with 135,000 new connections.
telecom picked up 38,000 new broadband customers in the quarter, about 35,000 of which were residential.
telecom said it expected double digit growth in mobile voice and data revenue to continue.

OK lets deal with some of these issues separately.

38,000 Broadband customers. Does that include the onselling of Broadband to Telstra in the 11th hour deal that stopped impending government intervention?
Also I am connected to IHUG but my ADSL connection has to be through telecom (I have no choice). So I guess I'm included in those numbers - if I was a new connection. The current arrangement is bad for any non telecom customers.
Example: Last week my ADSL fell over - I used to be a telecom tech so I was able to determine the fault lay with telecom's DSLAM. Yet when I reported the fault to telecom thay told me to report the fault to my ISP (even though I knew the problem was with telecom). In short you cant report an internet fault with telecom unless you are an Xtra user. In the end I had to report a line fault to get this problem fixed - even though I knew my line was OK.
My second bug bear is their mobile connection numbers. This is bollox - and regardless of what any cell company tells you, the number of cellular connections is unrelated to the company's revenue bottom line.
Example: I honestly believe the high number of recent connections to telecom mobile is due to their $10 TXT promo. Ok so lets see, assuming these kids are canny, and god knows NZ kids are smart when I comes to money, telecom are most probably making little more than $10 a month on most of those connections. The major indicator of a companies sucess is ARPU. That is ARPU is an acronym for Average Revenue Per Unit or Average Revenue Per User. It is the revenue generated by a customer phone, pager, etc., per month.

Basically stated the higher the ARPU, the more successful your company is. By telecom putting a cap on their ARPU from TXT, they will have to increase their mobile ARPU by stimulating growth in their voice and data areas. I can just see kids/adults that sign on to $10 TXT doing that.

The only shining light for telecom's wire network is their dominance in the local loop (wires in the ground), but in time the revenues from this medium will drop as cellular use increases due to higher data speeds and lower costs. Personally I believe it's time the local loop was deregulated, but telecom has survived thus far with minimal compliance, and I expect this to continue for some time yet.

I'm on my way

Look at Jim-Bob.

Jim is modeling the latest in chic Wellington businesswear. This little ensemble complete with roman sandals, walk socks, and shorts, is sure to raise the eye of every single girl at the office.

See the short sleeve shirt and corresponding short brown tie - never overstated or dated - always styley. Very sexy.

Note the impressive body language, stating in simple terms that he is relaxed and confident: lord of his domain.

A virus made me fat

Fast on the heals of a scientific discovery that a virus may be responcible for making people fat , scientist have also discovered there is no limit to the human beings capacity to blame anyone else for their own misfortunes.

The Darwin Awards are full of people, whose sole redeeming feature is that they can no longer blame anothers; because they are now dead.

This 2005/2006 awards go to a guy who killed himself by Lava-lamp, another who welded a chain to a grenade (to use it as a paper weight), and a young vietnamese man who thought that putting a detonator in his mouth and connecting it to the house mains supply would prove that the detonator, was in fact, defective.

...Nguyen, 21, had been drinking with friends in Hanoi, when he pulled out an old detonator he had found. It was about six centimeters long and eight centimeters in diameter, with two wires hanging out. Because it was old and rusty, Nguyen said, it couldn't explode. His friends disagreed. To prove his point, Nguyen put the detonator in his mouth and asked his friend to plug the dangling wires into a 220-volt electrical receptacle.

For more stories of people who have left their mark by shuffling off their moral coils in a unique manner go here. It is indeed a refreshing notion, that given time, there may be a glimmer of hope: that all the idiots that surround us, may some day, find a way to transcend to greatness.

Weekends with Tumorboy.

Suffering from writers block, I visited Tumorboy and Scrabble Queen for a catch up chat. Scrabble Queen checked out my profile on findsomeone and gave it the two thumbs up, whilst Tumorboy told me of his run in with a Wilson Parking guy who was not nearly as intelligent as the parking booth he sat in. Seem's that a prominent Auckland hospital allows you a free 30 minutes on your parking ticket before charging - which I find remarkable - given the cost of parking in this city.

Anyhoo.... Tumborboy takes his car into said car park to find there are only 2 minute parks outside the hospital for dropping off patients. Not wanting to be towed he parks in the (only other) general car park only to be charged $3 when leaving 15 minutes later. Get this - the parking booth guy says that he gets charged $3 because he parked in the car park. When Tumorboy tells him about the 30 minute free parking sign at the entrance to the car park the Wilson parking guy says that he should have parked in the 2 minute parks - as no-one ever gets towed from them. He then said that Tumorboy obviously didn't understand the 30 minutes free parking sign. The mind boggles.
I told Tumorboy that he absolutely must right the wrong, and by some means get his $3 back from the Hospital in one way or another. There must be a Yin to their Yang. The balance of the universe relies on such things. Suggestions are welcome....

The conversation then flowed like beer at Octoberfest, witty observations abounded, followed quickly by a great many farcical comments: a great many topics were discussed. In between Tumorboys left-cheek-squeeks and in spite of the resulting ongoing howls of protests from Scrabble Queen, we managed to solve all the worlds woes. But for the life of me, as I headed home, all the solutions we had discussed had, like the snow at the end of winter, dissolved to mush. I do remember the best bits involved frogs tho.......

And madness fell upon the land.

Rob: Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.

Rob: She LIKED me. She liked ME. SHE liked me... At least I think she did.

Update: Scrabble Queen - I have posted the damn photo!

I am officially "out there"