Semantics - I guess

What came first, the music or the misery?
People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
John Cusack - High Fidelity.

This quote has been running around my head lately. I think it applies to more than just music, but don't quote me on that.

The letter

Work - bah humbug :)

So we talked of our stories
Till the sun and the waves
Returned to...
We made plans for the next year
You were on my mind
All of the time

Have you got a video?

Well yes, I have actually :)

The ghosts within

The subconscious is an amazing thing. I left this island when I was just 10 years old, yet there are events and people who remain stored in my memory (it seems now perhaps for all time).
Today I went to pay my respects to Mr and Mrs Emori Waka at their graveside. As is the custom here they are buried in a small crypt beside their abandoned home. Perhaps abandoned is the wrong word. The house is still full of furniture, but outside the padlock on the door points to an extended stay of absence. The house seems to be resting, biding its time to be reoccupied by their children or grandchildren at a later date. As I pause to think about it, the island seems to be so much about that concept. Foundations of buildings can be seen at the end of the bush line - houses waiting to be continued - perhaps never to be finished. The pace of life here is like a leaf upon a soft wind : watch it soar, watch the island breathe in and out - the moment is gone and we are long buried and gone.

My next stop was to the oldest church on the island to visit the grave of John and Mary Baxter. I was surprised to see he was born at Gravesend in the UK - I remember a thin man with a white shirt and white smile. Brown leathery skin, always carrying a lit cigarette - for some reason I always thought he was an American who stayed on after the war.
Anyway - Died far too young; I note he was only in his late 40's - early 50's during the era I knew him - not too far a stretch from my current age; enough to remember how old he seemed to me at the time.

My biggest regret is the grave I never found. For some reason yesterday I called Mum and asked her about a girl who died here in 1976. I knew her - I can even picture her vividly in my mind. I had no idea why my memory of her was so strong, until confiding in an older lady at the Aitutaki information center. She informed me that the girl in question, Janice, baby-sat us on occasion. Truthfully, I cant remember that, but i remember her regardless. She was an attractive girl with incredible eyes, and she was murdered by her father, because she spoke to a boy. I know for a fact that the father came from an important family on the island, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't arrested until after the funeral because he was there for it *. Sure - the Police eventually came for him and he did some time in a Rarotonga gaol, but I still recall the feeling of waste, and the sadness; a ten year old boy and a 33 year old memory that remains today.
Janice Henry, I will find you again, and we will talk of stuff and nonsense. Sixteen then and now, you have not been forgotten. Rest in Peace.

* I'll update the post if I'm wrong in this

Animals Lovers - avoid this post please

Disclaimer : I'm serious about the warning in the title. Proceed with caution.

Oh. My. God.

So here I am - riding my scooter around Aitutaki. Taking photo's of places I remember.

This place, for example, is where Muri Waka chopped the heads off those chooks on the wooden stump out the back of his house. Others had their heads still attached as Muri spun them over his head breaking their necks. We watched them run around with their heads in various states of disrepair - giggling out loud as we chased after them. Later we watched as his daughters Terri and Taina plucked them. Even later still, we had them for dinner.

At 8 years old we all understood exactly what was happening here; in order to eat and survive, something else must die - yes, even a stalk of celery Niamh.

Still, after all these years, I cant explain what possessed me to stop my scooter to look for that damn stump behind the long deserted Waka house. Maybe it was fate, maybe I just wanted so see if was real or just a thirty years old dream. Maybe, just maybe I was hungry. :)

Still, I did find out yesterday that Muri died three months ago back in New Zealand well into his 80's - I couldn't help but wonder when he passed if he was met by Saint Peter; surrounded by a shit-load of lopsided headed/headless chickens with axes at the ready, wanting revenge - still rueing their lack of opposable thumbs.

Let's just hope Muri wasn't hungry for some buffalo wings :)

Island wisdom - well kinda

The dark comes quickly here, and with no TV to distract you quickly make friends with a novel or two.

After the turning of pages no longer holds that certain je ne sais quoi, you can turn to a canceled TV show on your Macbook for enlightenment;

Love is simple - you have it or you don't.
Everything else is either delusion or self sabotage.

-The Middleman Season 1 Episode 9

The story thus far

This island seems to know me.
This island seems to know what I need.

Every night back home when I go to sleep I play the sound of a tropical storm on my iPod. The wind and the rain lull me to sleep, and tonight I get the real McCoy here on Aitutaki.
When I first arrived here I was greeted by two cats owned by the resort - I'd see them from time to time as we crossed paths. Being the social animals they are they always say hello in their own manner before we go on our seperate ways. When the rains came one of them dropped by for a chat; sodden and miserable I invited her is, dried her off, and together we watched the palm trees strain against the driving wind and rain. As the day drew on we both fell asleep, content to be where we were in that time and place.

On a less harmonious note I can say that driving in to a tropical rain storm at 60kph on a scooter with no helmet makes for an excellent, if not stinging facial. Also an unfortunate accident with a malfunctioning underarm aerosol can has resulted in a partial (although slowly improving) loss of vision in one eye.

But Hey - maybe the Island has a reason for that too.

Me? I'm just rolling with it :)

Sullivan Street - Counting Crows

I sincerely believe that August and Everything After would be one of my personal Top 50 CD's of all time.

Take the way home that leads back to Sullivan Street
Cross the water and home through the town
Past the shadows that fall down wherever we meet
Pretty soon now I wont come around

Paradise not so lost

Come Thursday I will be here;


It may be a consolation prize of sorts - but sorry, I'm taking it regardless :)

The Horror

I might have to forget about Mary.

I mean it's been since 1986 already, and lets face it she's on her third marriage and I haven't embarked on anything near as big.

Plus at the age of 43 she's finally having a child to the latest guy. I guess that says something about commitment.

Yep; thinking about it now, perhaps it never was Mary; perhaps it should have been someone else instead.



AS IF !

Mary rocks - and always will :)

Being the spoon

I'm looking for a song to sum it all up.

I have to admit it isn't easy finding something that sums up my current days - but I'm still going to try, even if it's not quite right.
I've been hard lately - more than a little inflexible. I gave myself some rules that I had to follow. It really suits my Aries nature to be this way.
I've come to dislike the shades of gray, the shades of right or wrong. I want to keep it simple even when it's anything but.

The problem with simple, at least when it comes to music or life, is finding something simple to convey the subtle nuances. When color fights its way into the monochrome, threatening to wash away the black and whites, I get a little confused about the outcomes.

It's all a work in progress.
Dont deep dive the lyrics - it's always been more about the music with me - that and the sound and sway of the lyrics - never a literal translation.

Expect the video link to change as I lurch through my playlist. This task will not defeat me :)

Uh-huh

In Dunnoz for a long weekend.
My cellphone may remain off - such is my disdain for all things work at the moment.
This is not a good sign, but I'm going for a radical turnaround - things will hopefully improve if i can just shake off the negativity.

Crossed fingers !

Play it loud!

Oh to be a bass player in the 80's :)

New skin

I watched Skins for the first time tonight.
It reminded me how important everything seemed when we were that age; the ongoing tragedies around relationships, and the search for yourself in time left between.

I recalled the drunken conversations, revelations and relationships long swept asunder, and behold, I saw that their problems, once taken out of their contexts, were pretty much the stuff we all went through when we were young. Except for the drugs and the clubs (OK - I kid)!

It wouldn't surprise me in the least if the writers of Skins were middle aged with mortgages; still trying to get to grips with life - albeit with new lo-cal cookie dough characters yet to be fully formed. Maybe this time they'll get it right - maybe this time....

As for me; I'll keep watching the box, hoping there's still something to learn. Like tonight - there is no normal, everyone fucks up - so everyone is normal.
The trick is - working out if you want to fit in. If you can abandon that; that that keeps you apart you can be just like everyone else; fucked up. :)
In this episode, it seems the perception of normality was enough - so hiding is a definite possibility.

It's not that easy a game to play - this "life" lark.

Maybe this guy below will figure it out - Ladies and Gentlemen I give you RyderJ - born late last week. Another nephew - another chance to get it right.

No pressure little guy :)

Waiting

Waiting for the bee stings,
they tell me that success brings.

Come Undone

I'm constantly amazed at those who think they're incomplete because they are single.

I fight a battle with those people who think they've failed some life test. Ultimately only one person can guarantee you happiness in this world. And that person is you.

While I admire couples for their tenacity and mutual love fests, I think that it's always important to know where you end, and your partner begins. I wonder, if after a while, that line can blur more than a little.

I'm going on holiday soon. I'm planning on lying on a beach for over a week. I plan on reading at least three books, and doing as little as possible. I'm also planning to do this alone.
Not to say that I wouldn't entertain a thought of meeting someone, but now (as always) I don't feel the need to make it happen. I'm happy in the art of making myself happy.

We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry...

Leaving Las Vegas

Classic Crowe - I never "got" the later stuff, but that's probably my loss not hers.

Life springs eternal
On a gaudy neon street
Not that I care at all

This is our destiny

On a less serious note - This is what Doug has been up to since his perm.

Humorously, I did drop by Wikipedia to see if Flamingo's actually do fly.... I recalled they did in Miami Vice but I never did trust that Michael Mann fella :)



We could all do with a little destiny every now and again - and dancing too obviously :)

Dunedin

Star Fountain - Octagon (circa 1983)

I wonder how it ends?
...so says the button on Natascha McElhone's jersey in the movie The Truman Show.

"You know I've always wondered myself" said Jim Carrey, in one of his more lucid screen moments, as he holds the button between his fingers.


It's coming up seven years in Auckland now. I know that things have evolved here; it just seems I've finally managed to paint myself into a corner. That bothers me.

I've had more than a taste of what I could be here - it's rewarding, stressful and challenging; all at the same time. My boss tells me I wouldn't be happy if things slowed down - I'd just once like to try it and see if she's right.

I've started buying lottery tickets again - I can honestly say it seems my only way out - I cant do this work where I want to live - it doesn't exist there. Everything else does.

I listen to the people I worked with in my old job - they contract back to the company I work for now. I hear the stories of their day's and I see it all as clearly as if it was yesterday - not seven years ago. The same old stories - the same old drama. I know I cant go back to that work life - I understand I'm on another journey of discovery; I just wouldn't mind living in that little Edinburgh of the south if I could just find a way to make it fit.

So , I wonder how it all ends?
You know, I've always wondered that myself.

Get a Perm Doug.

Winter is normally a great time for me - I can sit in my home for days on end complaining about the bad weather. After all - if the days were fine and sunny I would have to work harder at excuses not to go outside and be sociable.

I am between projects - which is a tragedy of sorts, because with boredom comes apathy. Normally I have something to inspire me through the winter months, but at the moment: not so much. I have noticed a disturbing increase in the amount of inane chatter I have been subjecting myself to when alone - that was until I stopped to listen to what I was telling myself.

No - it wasn't "Kill them all" :)

It was, in point of fact "Get a Perm". And it was from this;



So, even my subconscious is now telling me to live a little , and who am I not to listen. But I'm not going alone - I'm taking you guys all down with me....

So don't just stand there - Get a Perm !

I will post updates shortly with more instructions from the subconscious. Don't forget to remove your tin foil hats periodically to receive my updates :)

80's revisited

Did I ever mention I listened to too much Joe Jackson in the 80's? :)

Oz Crawl

Le fils de l'épicier

And it appears my love affair with the French countryside continues unabated.

I watched "The Grocer's Son" last night.
The love scene was a sublime mix of emotion and light.

Try and find it - hopefully you'll love it too :)

Dead wrong

Did I mention I was wrong the other day?

Well... obviously I'm often wrong on a daily or at least a weekly basis; so I guess what I'm hinting at here was some higher "degree of wrongness".

Having an elevated degree of wrongness provides that whole "it's nice to know every now and again when I err it can become a complete clusterfuck" kinda feeling .
It's also comforting to know that my errors are not always minor or trivial in nature. :)

OK - if I was to stand back and look at the situation through a less critical eye, I could probably admit it wasn't "that wrong", and that I was mostly "right" . But the fact I felt bad about the whole situation probably betrayed the fact I could have done better. I'd be lying to myself by making this picture too grey in nature.....

You know the one great thing about making mistakes? You live - you learn.
And maybe, just maybe, every now and again an old dog can learn a new trick.

Maybe :)

Delays

A few things yet to come, including a post about mostly being wrong, and still having trouble admitting it.
Perhaps, yet another less interesting saga about the dangers of burnout, but not right now...

For now is just a short note to sing the praises of getting away from normal surroundings, and spending time with people you've known long enough to call family.

That and copious glasses of red wine...
Friends and wine mixed with laughter - 'tis the stuff worth living for.

He said - She said

He:
I like how in some movies, the smallest gestures can say so much.

She:
Like?

He:
You know, like in that film "The Bridges of Madison County", when Meryl Streep's character is talking on the phone, and she quietly rests her hand on Cline Eastwood's shoulder. It's the first time they touch but it speaks volumes about their feelings for each other - in a simple way.

She:
She should have straddled him. (smirking)

He:
I give up!

People are always nice at Funerals

I hate it.

The same people who dissed him are now rushing to the stores to buy his albums. Do they seriously think they're going to stop pressing his CD's?

I liked the guys earlier stuff. I loved Thriller - and so did everyone in the 80's. The images from his latest releases - not so much.

I thought it was tragic he never had a childhood, and I didn't really buy into the media beat up. I ask you - where were those kid's parents? There was no real balance in the reporting....

Later I remembered the surgery, and Bubbles. I remember the calls for privacy; "Leave me alone" and "Scream". I never believed he'd be back - 50 concerts? I couldn't see it.

I remember the husk of the man he became, Peter Pan growing old.

I'm sorry, but I wont be nice at his funeral. He was a talented and flawed human being - but given the same upbringing who's to say any of us would have done any better. I know many of us would have surely feared much worse.

It's just sad he'll never really be remembered (so much) for songs like this;

Making luck

Being an Apple fanboy - I cant help but admire the glorious leader. :)

I've recently come to understand the axiom, "make you own luck". It's a lesson that gives you an opening - a chance at happiness. What ever happens afterward, lies in as much with the gods, as with each other.

from gizmodo;


1990
About this time, Jobs meets Laurene Powell, when he speaks at a class at Stanford business school. They exchange numbers. Jobs had a business dinner that night. ''I was in the parking lot, with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, If this is my last night on earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman? I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she'd have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we've been together ever since.''

Seconding emotions

I've just finished watching Flight 666, the documentary of Iron Maiden's 2008 World Tour.

I'll be the first to admit I've never been a big fan of the metal pomp and ceremony stage show - I love my metal - I just hate the costume drama that sometimes goes along with it.

This flick however, is worth a watch in my humble opinion. Rent it :)

If I was to pick one small part that got to me it would be the shot of a fan from Bogota who is obviously overcome with the emotion at the end of the concert. The guy, possibly in his early thirties, holds back the tears, before breaking down just a little.

I wondered what sort of life he had - why he clung on so hard to this event, and why it made a difference....I love that the music touched him and perhaps made his life a little better for a while.

Moments later he composed himself, and made the cross over his chest, before blowing a kiss to the heavens. I know this sounds cheesy, but my hat's off to him. Such genuine emotion is not often seen in public.
I hope to feel the same way one day, but I worry my jaded sense of perspective will only serve to get in the way, when I should instead be celebrating something truly special.

Get a room already - now with Haiku!

Gotta new amp now
My mistakes sound louder and
Never like Mayer

:(

for the war that's raging on inside
oh, everyone believes
from emptiness to everything
oh, everyone believes
and no one's going quietly

The Big Sick

I'm not often sick - in fact the last time i recall getting a cold was about three years ago.
I've been battling the onset of the flu for some time now; a scratchy throat here, a sniffle there. Hitting the vitamins, and a few early nights did the trick every time - until it didn't.

It wasn't the swine flu, but the aftermath of this particular flu was a lingering malaise eventually diagnosed as a sinus infection - a first for me.

It wasn't so much keeping Kleenex is business for three weeks; it wasn't even the chorus of Mum saying "I told you you should go to the Doctor" for two weeks - it was the complete change in me as a person.

It really wore me down, and at the end it was like I was inside my body controlling it through a complicated set of cables and levers - it was me, but decidedly not. Gone was the patience; slowly but surely I started to shut down. No email or cellphone text replies - I didn't want to see anyone. Like Garbo "I want to be alone"

Unfortunately I was on call at work last week. I actually told the guy who called me out for the umpteenth time that he had lost his call out privileges - that he had called me too many times and he wasn't allowed to call me again. He was in hysterics on the other end of the phone - he had no idea I was mostly serious.

Eventually I took a chill pill. Eventually I took some antibiotics.

Slowly but surely I am returning to normal, but I've got to tell you - for a while there I was terrified that the new me was as good as it was ever going to get. It was really starting to bother me.

It's nice to be wrong.

Gin Wigmore - These Roses

I'll sing you a sweet song if you say to
I'll write you the saddest of all words, rhymes and phrases
I will be your everything and I'll try give you anything back but I

Cannot give you my love
No I cannot give you my love

When I got fight in these roses
I still can't be scared
I got stones in my pockets
I still can be shared
I keep you in my heart
To make this all harder
I will stay addicted to you
I will stay addicted to you

Take me down to the garden
Let me lay with you
Hold my hand
Don't let go
If you feel like kissing me
Do
Now there's butterflies in me baby
And I just don't know what to do
You could stand up straight
You could be the best of my dates
But I still would not see you for I

Cannot give you my love
No I cannot give you my love

When I got fight in these roses
I still can't be scared
I got stones in my pockets
I still can be shared
I keep you in my heart
To make this all harder
I will stay addicted to you
I will stay addicted

I'm a stones throw from heartache
Hear me crumbling, tumbling down
Is it too late
To lose faith
In everything working out right
We can say forget
Or forgive
But I cannot do that to love

The Shat Rocks!

I don't know if this is a tragedy, but I honestly believe that this is better that the Star Trek reboot I watched two weeks ago. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Know your rocks

I used to hate change.
There was something clean and simple in repetition, something I could measure and rely on... day after day after day after... well you get the picture.

Falling prey to the comfort of routine is something we can probably all attest to.
Comfort is a harsh mistress. Your daily "fix" of routines repeated; the comfort of a job done well, can mask the underlying evil that is very possibly controlling every aspect of your life.

Many years ago my goal posts were well and truly moved, and without even realizing it I raged against the dying of a light I should have extinguished many years before. When I left the field of play, I hadn't even realized although I'd won the battle, I'd lost the war.

Some time later, even after being made to watch "Who Moved my Cheese", I still really didn't get it. I hated the fact that someone else was force feeding me some Cliff Notes version on how I should live my life. How dare they!

I missed the point: I'll put my hand up and say it right now - I was wrong.

I now think change gives us all an opportunity to reinvent ourselves; to truly become who we want to be (whatever that may be). Unburdened by other peoples preconceived ideas of who we are, we can try and break free of the ties that bind, and the things that hold us back from our ultimate happiness.

As someone once said to me; "If the knot in your stomach isn't constantly reminding you it's there, you haven't taken a big enough step".

I look forward to my next challenge - and I hope it scares me shitless. :)

Next to Godliness

My house is spotless; spiderwebs that once wouldn't have raised my ire have been banished and my bathrooms smell ever so slightly of chlorine bleach.

My parents arrived last night.

After surveying all this "clean" in front of me I've decided that I need to invite people to stay more often.

Requests for catch-ups have already arrived on my cellphone. It appears my folks are in demand, and by association myself included (well hopefully) :-)

I'm taking a long weekend; there is much swanning around Auckland to be done, and so little time.

Mona Lisa Outcomes

This song has skirted around the edges of my subconscious for some time now.

Until you've seen this trashcan dream come true
You stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you

I miss you NFG.

It's simple

I feel the need for a perfect beach
on a perfect day; not too hot or cold.
With a constant cooling ocean breeze
we jibe and tack amongst the kelp and driftwood
in search of something we had all along.

Rock Stars for a Day

At the end of the my eighth year at school I was awarded a Merit Award in Engineering.

You might think that such an award would do wonders for an awkward thirteen year old. You would be correct, but it was also a curse of sorts. You see - one had to collect the award in front of a full school assembly of 1200 students and board members.

I vividly recall the stairs leading to the stage; the trip wires and claymore mines to trap those who dared step in the wrong spot. I recall the practices for the junior students, so they wouldn't fall and ruin the look of the whole prize giving event. Such was their faith in us.

No matter how hard they instructed there was always someone who failed the test; someone who didn't follow the teachers instruction to the letter, someone who walked a little too quickly, or didn't watch where they were stepping and caught the wire. Many people died during the Taieri High School ceremonies over the years.... or so it seemed...

I believe it was fair to say that after that initial experience, I shunned any possibility of overachieving again during my school years - which was a pity, as I really could have done much better.

When I moved onto my career in Telecommunications I gravitated to working with the most intelligent technician in the group. He didn't suffer fools, which was unfortunate, as I was quite foolish in those days. I did, however, survive the process to become "adequate" by my "Sensei's" opinion - which actually meant I was immanently employable when my employer decided we were both no longer required.

I've grown in my current job - my second real job - in some ways it has taken time to step out of the shadow of my origins, and with a little help from a brilliant manager, given a voice that is finally heard.

A lifetime away from booby trapped stage stairs, today my name was called and a walked up the stage in front of my peers. The trip wires were gone, replaced by spotlights and television cameras. I shook the hand of my GM and CEO, and along with others, thanked for going the extra mile.

I'd like to say the horrors of the past were gone, and with them the fear of success; but upon reflection I've come to realise all those events have only contributed to the mosaic that is my life.

For better or worse I am who I am...

OK there were a few Bacardi's as well :)

Money

There are levels, and there are levels. I admit on most days that I can play a guitar well enough to get by, but when I see a guitarist playing a left handed guitar with strings upside down, and it sounds this good, I wonder if I shouldn't face reality and just give it all up.

I mean - hard as it is to find someone to teach you to play left handed, imagine taking that one step further to play all your chords upside down as well. No-one teaches that.

Look at the guy with the red guitar, and witness something unique. His name is Doyle Bramhall.

Beautiful World

I threw this on a cd last week, and heard it for the first time on my way to work....

It's a simple little song that doesnt take itself so seriously; a lesson we could all learn on occasion. :)



I'm not sure Youtube will do this justice: the song is sublime, and so me right now :)

Chocolately peace

Things must have been bad today - in the middle of a meeting I made an excuse, and left to fill a water bottle.

Once outside I seriously contemplated not going back.

In what must have been a weak moment I grabbed a Snickers bar out of the vending machine while I waited for my water bottle to fill.

So ashamed am I :)

I know; it's my cross to bear, but i keep reminding myself that that chocolate bar saved some lives today, even if the warmongers in that meeting had no idea whatsoever.

I Need your Lovin'

Brilliant version from 2004 :

Dreams

I don't have many dreams of what the future may bring, but recently I have had a desire to retire near the sea.
I love walking on the beach, watching the waves meet the shore, no matter what weather.

Inside, behind my double glazing, and open fire, I'd love an open plan home with mezzanine floors from bedrooms above, creating the antithesis of living in a home where every room is closed to the one before.

I love the grandeur of vertical spires, and horizontal adjuncts that serve little purpose but to frame a desire; a desire to make something beautiful as well as functional.

This house has always moved me, and although my budget may not extend to this exactly :) , the ideas that went into its design, still live on in my heart.

OK - It was me

Richard Hammond - Telecom's new ad man

Now it's over, and the stress levels have dropped, I feel strangely weak - like I've just recovered from a nasty bug.

Telecom management (basically a pact of soul-less arseholes), have fessed up and admitted they "made a mistake" (not that they'd actually say that in so many words).

Having them call me and my fellow workmates incompetent was hard to take, as were their calculated mis-truths in the media. Make no mistake, we were right, and they were wrong.

How can I be certain ? I know this because "I" was a part of the team that discovered the problem...

While they're sitting on their nice leather chairs, icing their bruised crotches... I wonder if they ponder who the hell trained those bloody Vodafone Engineers that finally made them listen to the truth of the situation....

The irony is .... they trained us themselves ... It turns out most of us are ex-Telecom.

I really hoped over the last seven years they'd changed; that they'd finally turned a corner - but lifting the polished veneer, you can still expose the infection that breeds unchecked, and you sadly realise they really haven't changed at all.

So Telecom ...

No more stress working night and day to prove you wrong, when you wouldn't admit it yourself .
No more sleepless nights wondering what truth you would distort next.
No more selling myself short...

Tonight I'll sleep like a baby :)

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---

Vodafone goes to court alleging Telecom network interference

5:57PM Friday May 01, 2009

Vodafone is off to court to protest at Telecom's new XT mobile network, in the belief it is the source of interference on the Vodafone network.

....

Vodafone said it had begun the legal action following a significant rise in the number of customer complaints about interference on its network.

Testing showed serious interference to Vodafone's network caused by Telecom's network, which was still under construction.

and then finally after the dust settled

Vodafone says call quality will improve now Telecom 3G fight over

4:15PM Thursday May 07, 2009

Related links:

• Telecom delays XT launch after Vodafone settlement

Vodafone says its customers should notice improved call quality after sorting out its scrap with Telecom over the latter's new mobile phone network.

Vodafone yesterday sought an injunction to stop Telecom rolling out its new XT network on May 13, claiming its transmitters were causing interference to the Vodafone network.

But the parties reached an agreement last night which will see Telecom extending its programme installing filters to its new transmitters while putting back the network launch until late May.

Vodafone chief executive Russell Stanners said the agreement was good news for its phone users, who he said had reported call quality problems since Telecom began testing its new transmitters early this year.

Double negativity update

Normal service will resume when the only time not spent at home does not revolve around sleeping and showering.

I suspect - maybe Wednesday night I can elaborate, and "Yes" I am still sworn to secrecy...

But I'm still young on the inside!

I'm constantly having to remind myself I've grown up.

Today I had to wear formal attire to work for a high profile meeting. I looked about the room and felt so out of place; at least until I realised that so many people were looking to me for some answers.

I cant say too much yet, but huge things are afoot - at least a half a billion of them. All this while the tall poppy eradicator ambles ever so purposely in my direction.

We Kiwi's are our own worst nightmares - we need to accept it's OK to step up, and take charge when we need to - it's doesn't always mean we're full of ourselves....

Affirmations don't always do the trick 'tho - that inner monologue takes a lot of sating...

The Waiting

Pearl Jam's been slipping in under the radar of late. It might be the reissue of Ten, but Jeremy and Even Flow have been on my mind a lot lately.

Thoughts arrive like butterflies......indeed..

I was searching for a good version of The Waiting. I was looking for the Live Aid version - the version that started me on that whole Tom Petty phase - then I found this...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

New drug blues

Our office email is down; actually for two days now...

Except mine - mine works. Fate's fickle finger allows some of us at work to communicate - knowing who you can communicate with however, is a question best not pondered.

In the meantime I send emails with some trepidation. I must admit a certain thrill - living in a world where your thoughts and instructions may never meet their destination. Like some Pony Express rider being taken out by a bullet as he rides between stops, I wonder; will the mail get through?

That aside, the worst thing is the lack of incoming mail. I've never been so bored, so lacking in the daily distraction: I've been so focused it's killing me.
Tasks that would have spanned days can now be addressed in hours. Uninterrupted I am slowly going mad - it's like working on a construction line that has no end....

When I walked out of the office on my way to lunch, I started humming that old crappy song "I Wanna New drug" by Huey Lewis and the News. Hours later I realized I should really think about taking up nicotine patches.

I've never been a smoker. I hate the thought of drawing smoke into my insanely pink lungs, but nicotine patches - well they cant be carcinogenic - right?
Those smokers - they walk away from their desks all the time - sometimes in pairs even! They get to go outside - they chat and laugh. They really know how to live this "work life".

So tomorrow maybe me and some of the guys will go on the patches. Don't worry, the irony hasn't escaped me entirely; work hands them out to the smokers for free :)

Left field music

Try to ignore the hair - yeah, I know - it's kinda hard.



I love watching the dynamics between the couples, wondering what the back stories are.
Some appear pretty damn hostile :)

And as for this next clip; well, as Joss Weedon once wrote "You cant take the book of my life and just jump into the middle".

A better ending

The letter I was writing a couple of posts back was nearing completion when a text arrived.
The message I couldn't see myself delivering as an email, was better explained in person; engineered by fate, tinged with a little sadness.
The positive thing; this meeting with destiny, regardless of outcome, was the best way to end a chapter in the book of our lives.

Sorry to be so cryptic, but I cant be more specific without permission :)

This just in...

Esplanade: St Clair, Dunedin

1) There is a God - nothing specific as of yet, except to say that he (or she) has a developed sense of the ironic and a good handle on fate.

2) I have found that a fresh sea breeze is as invigorating as a pair of heated gym shoes. I am now looking for the ever elusive "third thing" to complete the trifecta.

3) I should give up on photographing landscapes - I am seriously shit at them; probably because they almost always leave me cold..

More on this as it comes to hand......

A two quarter life crisis

I've been writing a note in my head most days since.
I'm trying to get it down right; it's not something you can re-do when (or if) it goes wrong.
I often have revelations when I wake in the early hours; the sound of my humidifier dripping water in its tray lifting my consciousness. Still, you're reluctant to write anything down: a fear of the nonsensical and saccharine meeting the cold light of day and its reality.

When Meg Ryan romantic comedies no longer cut the mustard you wonder if ;
a) the last vestige of romanticism left has evaporated from your psyche,
b) you've just grown up somewhat or
c) you're just too old for this shit.

Regardless, it will be written, and it will be done.

The most important things to leave; no doubt, two clear possible outcomes, and pleasant memories for the salad days.

P.S. Everything is fine :)

When bad grammar and nudity collide

I find it odd that even though I probably have a slightly more appealing torso, I cant bring myself to display it in the company of my friends at a pool party, let alone 20,000 people at a Rugby League game....like this striking gent.


I guess in this dog eat dog world of "you either got it or you don't"...

I simply don't (got it).

A lighter interlude

Even though summer has almost left us, the days are mild and the sun still warms my shoulders on my way to lunch. It's days like these I'm reminded it's OK to like a sunny song that puts a spring in your step, even if they have a "best by date".

Angels with dirty halo's

So; I watched the final tonight - and I have to admit I wanted some closure.

The Sackhoff/Bamber arc held some special significance for me, so after all this time I just wanted a happy ending for these two. Turns out writer/developer Ron Moore had other ideas.

Regardless of what life throws at you, two people should be able to overcome anything to be with each other; well, at least in the "movies".

Hey - It's not like I always want the happy ending, and ....

I guess I shouldnt really gripe when some show on TV dares to follow the conventions of normal life to negate the ending we desire, denying us the one time and place when such an outcome might actually be possible.

Yeah - I know - I'm working on making it real, but deep down I still wanna be surprised by this mixture of faith, experience and substance - this "Life Pie".

Yet, the taste is still a little bitter for this "saps'" palette I'm guessing.

A rushed trip home.

Grief is the universal leveler - eventually it will visit us all.

I'm continually amazed at the different ways we deal with this emotion; some bear it stoically, others give in to the moment and wear it on their sleeves for all to see; most, somewhere in between.
There is no right way - no wrong way; it's an individuals choice, or perhaps lack thereof that pushes us in the direction we must go.

Surrounded by those who care, people reacted as they always do; a universal truth.
I cant help but wonder how confusing the service may have been for the rather mature five year old, who sat next to her mum and dad, as we said farewell to a good man. She was starting out on her own path, learning the greatest lesson of all - that all this too will come to pass, and that many good people, like Bob Gilles, will be taken from us far too soon.

Talent

Michelle Pfeiffer's version of Rogers & Heart's "My Funny Valentine"

Last Chance Texaco

Musically, I've got a lot of it wrong, I've had my share of Milli Vanilli's....

I'll never regret my Rickie Lee phase tho :)

With great power comes great responsibility

It's hard to explain the first time I put my new glasses on.
Is was if I was missing the spaces in between. In some ways it felt like I had been bequested a super power of sorts - do no evil with this "crystal vision" a silent voice in my head intoned.

My particular issue was with astigmatism. On the most part I see really well - it's freaky in a way because I have an issue distinguishing between a "b" and a "p" at a distance. It's not like everything else is out of focus.

But when I put these glasses on, the world shifts a micron of a degree and everything flows into a perfect symmetry. Things go sharper than sharp. Super sharp - if you will.

So now I have this super vision thingy....

By day, mild mannered cellular engineer; computer screen, mouse and keyboard - others not suspecting. By night, I guard you while you sleep. (OK - more truthfully, I fuck with your cellular coverage, but I digress...)

I nod at the "others" in the office - we are everywhere, we spectacular men. It's only my first day, but I understand there's a league one can sign up to if one is inclined.....

Psst - Did I mention the guys who made my frames make these?


The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but has no vision. - Helen Keller.

Living with a 21 year old facebook friend

When I was asked if she could stay with me for a five week placement I was apprehensive.
My life of late has been so busy that my home has become my fortress of solitude; the place I go to escape all that stuff "out there".
I wondered how difficult it would be to have a flatmate for 5 weeks. I worried that I'd become so reliant on myself, that letting someone else in might be a stretch for me.

I needn't have bothered; the five weeks flew and we had a ball.

I wasn't around a lot; but that's my life right now. Tiffany took that all in stride, dealt as much shit as she got and (hopefully) enjoyed her stay. The neighbours gave me the sideways glances; hanging with a girl half my age, thinking the worst or the best; take your pick.
I'm not saying it wasn't fun watching their faces change when I explained the actual situation: mental self-chastisement in full swing.

I must tell you though, it was weird wading past the mine field of woman's underwear on the drying rack in the hallway every morning. My poor TV; subjected to any and every soap opera known to man between 5 and 8 pm every day, not to mention the in depth discussions on why I couldn't watch New Zealand's Next Top Model

Me: they're only 15 to 17 for God's sake, it's perverted !
She: So what, get over it !

So - before I knew it I'd let this monster in, and before too long my home stopped smelling of boys, and took on a more sophisticated aroma of girl/boy and (I think) many varied hair products.

But today the hair straighteners are packed away, the shower de-gunked of long blonde hair, and a calm has settled over the maelstrom that I have called hurricane Tiffany. No more jokes about the bookshop ringing to say my porn has arrive (read: computer mags), or the "taking it to the grave" secret pact about that one time we went to KFC because we couldn't be arsed cooking.

The scary thing is I think I'll miss her - or that might just be the KFC talking to ya.....

Circular logic

I made this T-Shirt a while back, which touches on the concept of eternal return;

Eternal return is a concept which posits that the universe has been recurring, and will continue to recur in a self-similar form an infinite number of times.[Wikipedia]

On my green T-Shirt are the words
"All this has happened before, and all this will happen again."

It's not that the struggles we endure are made less by this thought; but it is comforting to understand that although these issues are personal to us in so many ways, we are not unique in our efforts: someone has been where you are now; tomorrow, another person will take your place.

There are so many ways to get to the same end solution. Hated or loved, selfish or altruistic; maybe we'll get it right the next time, if we don't manage get it right this time around.

What ever choices we make doesn't guarantee we wont get a bruise or two through the experience 'tho.

Watching the Wheels - a metaphoric tale

I did something different today.

Rather than fighting the fires that fanned my frustrations, I simply let go of the wheel and let the car crash.

The funny thing was watching the higher ups run to take control, not realising the car itself was heading toward the cliff at break-neck speed. It was a stick - and you know that managers just cant drive sticks.

I, on the other hand, stepped out, and rested under a shady tree while the tragic comedy unfolded for my viewing pleasure. After that I went out for long lunch.
Returning from my break, blood sugar now under control, I observed the aftermath with a less critical eye. I started to feel for the car; the old feelings were hard to hold back.

But for today, I'm not giving in to those morsels of regret.

Fuck 'em :)

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round,
I really love to watch them roll,
No longer riding on the merry-go-round,
I just had to let it go,

The Delux Cheese Sandwich Post

I think the reason I haven't been posting that much lately, is because everything is becoming more real; and when things become real the gloss comes off for me.

Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing; clarity comes at a price, just something I didn't want to pay for right now.

It would be easy to say I've been working long hours, and split shifts; that I've been worn down around the edges: and that would be true. But through it all there have been less "uplifting" moments of late.

It's important to say that this has nothing to do my friends at all - I was recently in Dunedin, and had a ball, but I have to realise I cant live my life entirely through a great group of friends and family: I have to be happy within myself as well. Finding the joy in everyday life should be a life mission for us all. I'm sure you'd agree.

I was chatting to a friend [1] the other day, and in a totally roundabout way she made me realise, that in so many ways, I haven't really changed at all.

This little gem of information knocked the wind out of my sails. With all these changes, all my person successes, the confidence gained over the last six years; deep down I am fundamentally the same person making the same mistakes over and over again...same same - but different.

Now, after this revelation, I'm actually wondering if it is physically possible for me to change?

The total irony around this is that I'm continually told I give great advice - people thank me all the time. Now i understand it's more a case of "do as I say" rather than "do as i do".

The time is coming when I must admit that choices have been made for me; and no matter how much I would resist it, I need to find a way forward without her.

It's just a bitch when freedom from choice is exactly what I want right now...

[1] Yes - you Shars :)

Destined to be cold

When once asked for his description of hot, Robert Downey Jr. stated "Destined to be Cold".

One could dwell on the rise and fall of Creed.
One could discuss the train wreck that was Scott Stapp; the destruction and recreation of a career built on the sands of cynical complacency, shifting to the tune of the next big thing....

Or, you could be a better person and just listen to the song in the context of its place and time, and without prejudice, simply enjoy it for what it was: Four minutes and forty seconds of history. [1]



I think that's a great way to look back at the past; plus I always likened the bridge to what falling in love must be like - but I'm not talking about with whom.

[1] OK, maybe I can't back that up