Unloading

Honesty is a good leveler. So much of what lies within us, isn't as transparent to others as we might think. Every now and again it's important to be honest, and to own up to our feelings for others, regardless of the outcome.

Wednesday came, and not without some degree of foreboding on my part. Things were said, made real, and I feel a significant weight taken from me. Regardless, I was true to myself, and that is all we can really ask of ourselves - right?

Two songs to clear the air.

Eighties Elvis - light and fluffy - lyrics here.



Newer Elvis - a little more honest, and with it, a hell of a lot more power. Lyrics

Wednesday

Speaking in riddles
Always understanding,
regardless.
Moving in slow motion
Circling the wagons
Protecting the obvious
From the unknowing
Everyday.

Block

I have nothing but writers block today.
In lieu of something creative, I have thrown myself into my domestic duties. God how I hate cleaning!
So now, even though my house is clean, and smelling ever-so-slightly of pine scented cleaning products, there is no feeling of accomplishment.
But I'm picking Thursday I won't be able to shut up.

No so perfect days on the way I can assure you :(

I understand now

This is how life should be - for all of us.

Parallel Words

I love words. I love their width and their depth.
I love that the same sentence can mean different things to different people, and I love that they add colour to our life.
I love that we get lost in them - that they can perplex us, and transport us to another place. I especially love it when not everyone "gets it", and for those of us that do, the joy that that knowledge brings; that with all our differences, all the combinations and permutations involved in being an individual, we still get to have something together. Something special.

There are levels, and levels again. Meanings within meanings. In some way writing, music, and art can be superficial on one layer, yet in others, open to so much interpretation. Therein lies the magic; it's not just cut and dried; and for that I am thankful.

I guess I'm always looking for meaning - and I love the realization I've got a lot to learn yet.

You stand too close to the painting.
All you see is patches of colour.
Stand too far back - can't see any of the detail.
Right now this is your particular perspective.
And if you ask me.....

I'm a little too close??

Yes.

Wind of change

This week I feel a wind of change. Perhaps decisions somewhere have been made - it's not clear - things just feel different. An overactive sixth or possible tenth sense - I've lost count. I try and tell myself it's not a bad thing, or that perhaps it's all in my head. Normal service will resume after a period of acclimation, or realisation - whatever comes first.

In the meantime....

I've always loved Peter Frampton- in the early eighties Frampton Comes Alive was a staple for me on our family record player.

The sweetest fragrance, it brings a wind of change.
I feel it's now or die.
I have itchy fingers and butterflies are strange;
You know that I live a lie.

Sapphires aren't enough to buy me happiness.
Diamonds don't demand me, they're just for looking,
Love comes close to wrecking all you have to give;
God knows, there's so much to give

Unfortunately there was nothing on Youtube to post, but there was another song with the same name that reminded me of my tour through Europe many years ago, so in lieu of something better, that will have to do.

So who are you?

Kirsty sent me a fun little test in an email today.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/surveys/whatamilike/index.shtml

You know, I'd like to think you couldn't put me in a box, even one of sixteen. Still it was an interesting diversion in a day stifled by yawns, and a very polite American lecturer, who really wanted to see the "native" population while he was here.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that the Maori weren't a tribe of warriors living as they did when Europeans first arrived here. The puzzling thing was that he said he saw "Once Were Warriors" years ago, and wanted to see "people like that". To be honest - if I ran into Jake the Mus, sticking around for a chat would be the last thing on my mind. An extremely powerful and unsettling film definitely made sure of that. Viewer discretion recommended by the way.



Then again it just could be the Resolver in me.

Car Guys

It's often hard to understand the bond between guys and their cars. I only know that there is something magical about taking a car, making it unique to you - something special.

For some guys throwing on a set of shiny rims, lowering blocks, and a set of boost gauges is not enough. The superficial aside, some guys love taking something old - near the end of it's life, then spend hundreds of hours ( and thousand of dollars) restoring and enhancing the car, often in doing so, creating a car that is superior to the original that left the factory.

For some strange reason too, it's totally OK for a guy to be emotionally attached to a vehicle, and that cant be too bad, given the social emotional restrictions placed on men in this day and age.

I guess it could take a Y chromosome to understand why I'm seriously considering spending $3000 on a car worth $5000, rather than send it to an automotive dismantler, to be turned into scrap. I hope you can find it in your heart to understand regardless.

Yeah - I know, I need a girlfriend. But is it OK if she has to love my cars too? :)

They happen in three's

As far as luck goes, for me it pretty much runs down the middle of the road. While I have been previously told I must make my own luck, here in the real world I am pretty well off. Every now and again bad things do happen, and yes - they usually come in three's. With that in mind I hope the following two are minor in comparison.

Today I took my MR2 for a warrant. I've had my Toyota for over 14 years, and in that time I've never once fell out of love with it. It's fast and fun to drive, and frankly I cant think of any other car I'd rather own for the price. So when the Warrant of Fitness guy told me he had some bad news for me I was unfazed - after all how bad could it be?

Very bad. Years before I brought the car, some back yard panel beater in Japan had repaired the front of the car so badly that I am now looking at a repair bill of over $3000. That's not to say he didn't do a good job of hiding his repairs. When the car came into New Zealand it was missed on the Land Transport inspection, and every warrant of fitness visit since the fault has been overlooked. And we are talking here is significant danger to the driver, if the car is involved in an accident.

I am gutted. The car now has to go for a full engineering report and a repair method has to be supplied by Toyota. Sobering stuff.

So it's good, at least in the respect that I am still here, but bad because I have no car to get me about. I have to wait and decide whether to repair the car or wreck it. Personally even at a cost of $3000 I'm not liable to find a car of similar performance or enjoyment - but I have to wait and see - it may be time to let it go.

When I think of all the places and close calls I've been in with this car, perhaps it shouldn't be viewed as bad luck after all - perhaps I'm lucky to still be breathing.

Still I'm worried about the next two pieces of bad news.

Running on empty

This live clip is from 1977 - pity the sound quality isnt the best. Since the mid 80's I've loved Jackson Browne's music.
This song was released as a part of an excellent live album, recorded in hotel rooms, practice halls, and live performances.
The thing about really good music; the themes never age.

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don't know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Complete lyrics here

Blackout

After the minor meltdown last week, this week has been surprisingly flat in comparison. I wonder if it's the calm before the storm - which in itself is ironic, because outside my window it's blowing a gale - right now. Thirty minutes or so ago the power went off - the 4th time this year, and I was left in the dark to find the matches and light the candles. I was wondering how long I would have to sit in their glow - I spent the time playing my guitar, trying to nutt out David Grays Alibi, which has been on high rotation around my place lately.

Stone blind alibi
I will eat the lie
Find the word
Could break any spell that binds you

Prayers like ammonites
Curl beneath the lights
How I long to
Bite any hand that feeds you more
Where d'it all go wrong
My Friday night enfant
Where d’it all go wrong
My Friday night enfant .....

When the lights came on half an hour later I kinda missed the ambiance.

Speaking of Music, iTunes automatically sorts a top 25 list of most played songs. I must admit I was surprised when I saw my current top ten.

1) Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
2) I Keep Forgetting - Michael McDonald
3) Like a Rolling Stone - The Rolling Stones
4) Still Fighting It - Ben Folds
5) Alibi - David Gray
6) You Belong to Me - Doobie Brothers
7) Fake Plastic Trees - Radiohead
8) Missing - Everything but the Girl
9) Working Class Hero - Green Day
10) Cuz I Can - Pink.

Still, even with all this relative calm and normality, I'm looking forward to seeing NFG Wednesday week - it's been too long, and I miss my friend.

Stop - Police

Coming back from a night's work in Tauranga, I mused about how boring my driving habits had become over the years. Mentally bashed by years of road safety advertisements, and anti drinking propaganda, here go I; driving at the speed limit, with an absolute zero blood alcohol limit; It is a good thing I suspect.

The Police here in NZ want to drop the current legal limit even further, saying it will go a long way to reinforcing the idea that drinking and driving is a bad idea - I just can't agree with that logic. Most people caught DUI in New Zealand are often measured at more than twice the legal limit. I fail to see how that figure changing to three times the legal limit will do much more than make the government more money. Recidivist offenders are the problem here, not those who keep below the existing drink driving blood alcohol levels.

My own brushes with the law have, fortunately, been few and far between. The last time I was stopped for exceeding the speed limit was over eight years ago - Yes, I've been effectively neutered. Funnily enough my two most stressful run in's with the law involved IG.

The first time I was 'radar'd' - IG admitted to seeing the Cops in the distance. Later, when asked why he didn't say anything IG looked embarrassed before stating "I was just working out how much the fine was going to be".

The second time, a Cop stopped me for not coming to a complete stop at a "Stop Sign". When I got out of my car to talk to the Officer I had no idea why I was being pulled over.

"You failed to stop at that Stop Sign back there sir" he said

"He did stop" - offered IG, before I could say a damn thing. This statement obviously raised the ire of the Cop who said in a loud voice "NO... he didn't".

I hurriedly intervened, stating that I was unaware of my actions, and would take more care to stop completely in the future.

The Cop looked down over his moustache, and weighed up the evidence before saying "Well just make sure from now on - let the car roll ever so slightly backward after you stop - that way you know you have completely stopped"

Breathing a sigh of relief, and having avoided a ticket, my calm was shattered an instant later by IG immediately stating "BUT HE DID STOP". It was obvious from that point onward that IG and I had no psychic connection; unless, as I mentally projected SHUT THE FUCK UP with all my will, he simply elected not to hear me....

Actually, I wouldn't put that past him .....

Cellphone Salesman

This totally got to me.



It's amazing how music can touch you this way.

What to do next

They always seem to think that decisions are always easy to make.

Consider what you think justice requires, and decide accordingly.
But never give your reasons;
for your judgment will probably be right,
but your reasons will certainly be wrong.
~Lord Mansfield

Sometimes they couldn't be more wrong.

Watch Dead Like Me

Not so much a subtle reminder to Di, rather a heads up on a really funny show.
Rent it sometime soon - You wont regret it.



Ok Di - maybe I wasn't being so subtle after all. :)

Why I love Emma Thompson

Smart, sexy, and absolutely no bullshit whatsoever.



Example from here;

"The corporate image is a strong thing but it also has a lot of weaknesses. And one of its weaknesses is its own solipsism, its own narcissism. Corporations have a deeply narcissistic quality. Of course they do, because they are to do with the consumer society which is only about developing people’s narcissism. That is what we live in and we have to face that fact head on.

“It’s not funny at all that we do all that advertising for children. Why is advertising for children allowed? What possible reason can there be for having those effing adverts on ITV for all this crap that’s made by poor people in poor countries that we sell our children who have too much? [Throws up her hands and looks almost embarrassed] Sorry, I can’t stand the hypocrisy of it. And, actually, in the end, for me the only way of going about it is to say, ‘You’re morally bankrupt. So let’s see whatever cases and forms and organisations we can evolve that work better. Because you, chums, are fucked. And you’re fucking us.'"

Bonus points for both the very public use of the word "fuck", and the word "solipsism" (which I had to look up). If a woman like Emma ever said she loved you, you better fucking well believe it mister!

I'm fine. Just angry.

If I were to try and consolidate my thoughts of late, I'm sure I'd go mad during the process. I'm sure I wouldn't keep cutting off my nose to spite my face, if i didn't studiously keep gluing it back on afterward. The same traps I allow myself to fall into, are severely starting to get me down. It's like I'm suffering some sort of mental malady that ensures I follow the same tortured path time and time again - in hope that an outcome will be different. So when it isn't, and I'm just the littlest bit surprised, I just wonder how many more times i have to learn this lesson.

Anger at my inability to move on, I cant help but wonder if this is as good as it gets - and that any attempt to do it differently will create an ever more intricate path to yet again the same outcome. I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this.

The problem is, I know who I am - and I know I'm not ill. In the cold light of reality it's my heart that's causing the grief - and not my head. And there in lies the kicker.

Anyone for the tropics? I really need a holiday.

Outlook for Thursday.

So - it turns out today is an Alanis day.



How ironic.

Because nothing really changes

Connections and Perspective

I have trouble understanding those who like to quantify every special "unexplained" event in their lives, as a statistical probability. I believe, we create bonds with people we are very close to, and at times in our lives when we need them, they can make their appearance in one form or another.

The rare, out of the blue phone call from a friend or loved one, when you just happen to be thinking of them, is something that reinforces that belief in me; that there is more to our lives than a series of interconnected statistically definable events.

In this sterile age of technology, there is a tendency to explain away anything representing "magic" in our lives - but I'll take any wins I can get. That fact this sort of thing doesn't happen every day, just makes it more special, not merely more mathematically unlikely.

And if higher forms of technology add emails and texts to the list, who am I to argue. :)

Writing betterer

It's weird you know - recently I became aware that two people I know, (who I previously thought had it pretty much together) have self destructed.
Now - before those readers who know me jump to conclusions, I can assure you it's no one you know, and certainly no one who comes here.
The painful exercise to learn from this is this - "you are the only one that lives inside your head". If you don't ask for help, chances are you wont receive it. Period.
Conversely, some people who read this blog may be convinced I am a mess of insecurities, and while they may be correct :) , the mere fact I deal with these feelings, makes me a stronger person - hardening up only ever leaves a bigger mess when the walls come crashing down.
I know things have been a bit laid back around this blog lately; this is probably because the things that are really occupying my mind, can't be discussed here. Yes - because too many people here know me. It is that simple.

Changing the subject ever so slightly, Di and I were discussing Sidestepping Real the other day. I wish I could write more like her - I'm not sure what it is about her writing - upon reflection it's probably that she CAN write. To me, I see something between the lines in her work. It's as if she puts ideas within my grasp, leaving me some degree of latitude so I can relate to what she's saying.
I, on the other hand pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve (writing wise), and spoon feed it to those of you that drop by to read it. [Did I mention I really love that you all drop by - I do, believe me]
My eventual point is, like in a twisted version of Jack Nicholson's speech from As Good as it Gets - She makes me want to be a better writer. With that comes the promise of more honesty, and possibly, a mental breakdown or two on the way, as I work out how. :)

On a more cryptic note, I've also come to the conclusion that two months is two months too long, and that is all I have to say about that.

So much off my chest tonight, and that really is the point of this whole blog "thingy". If we choose to evolve as a person, we need to challenge ourselves, and take the next step in our life journey. Wherever those baby steps may take us.


Phew - too much for a Sunday night!

It was a kind of magic

My musical taste has been all over the place lately. This weekend, for example, I've been listening to Queen.

I remember in the early 80's Queen's Greatest Hits was the album of choice. I still remember to this day, listening to News of the World for the first time; It blew me away. Later, when Freddie Mercury was "outed", the more staunch [read homophobic] kiwi males rubbished their music, but I never did. My biggest regret is that I never saw them live.

A few years later at Live Aid, they simply and utterly stole the show, and the legend of Queen was reborn.

When Mr Mercury departed this earth I felt we had lost something that would never be replaced in our lifetime - now, so many years later, I fear I may still be right.


First, a love song, as relevant to me today, as then;



And secondly at Live Aid in 85...



Brilliance!

Scale

Borrowed from Wikipedia.

No matter how significant our lives may seem, we're all stardust, people.

The two Antennae Galaxies (NGC 4038 on the left and NGC 4039 on the right) are a pair of interacting galaxies in the constellation Corvus that are undergoing a galactic collision. They are known as the 'Antennae' because the two long tails of stars, gas, and dust thrown out of the galaxies as a result of the collision resemble the antennae of an insect. The nuclei of the two galaxies are joining to become one supergalaxy. This is likely the future of our Milky Way when it collides with Andromeda.

Walls

Some days are diamonds
Some days are rocks.

So said Tom Petty, and today, so say I.

So much of what goes on around us, is coloured by our perception of the world. When everything is good, the world is a fun and exciting place to be - when we see the other side of the coin, it can be a different story.

They say you can learn to love something you merely "like", but I want to disagree. I just wonder if that's the main problem. Perhaps acceptance of that idea is something I can't accept.

Some of us are "wired" to spend more time in our own heads - for some of us it's a fact of life, and for others it's a place rarely visited, and never missed. For me, the struggle is to determine what is "real" and what is merely wishful thinking. [At this point I hasten to add I don't live in an imaginary world - what I'm trying to get across here is our individual perception of the world around us, and how much that perception is removed from the norm].

I believe our different views of the world make us interesting as individuals - I often wonder if this perception extends to the literal. Is the colour I see as red, perceived as green by another? It would surely explain some peoples colour coordination :)

Over the years my intuition has been spot on, but lately I wonder if it hasn't been off a little, perhaps because my own wants and desires have muddied the waters. For some time now I feel I have been at the mercy of many external factors, and while my life has moved on with both wins and losses, I wonder why I'm not happy with the overall path I've been following.

Or I could just be having a bad day.