"Make your own luck" she said.
I had no idea what she meant, but the have words stuck with me for over 15 years.
"You'll never run with the gangsters, but you're not a lucky person - you must make your own luck. Remember you saw me in the year of the Horse."
And then she was gone, leaving a memory - a moment I cant forget.
These are the memories that stay with you, along with all the others you'd rather forget. The missed opportunities, viewed with 20:20 hindsight are the worst - times when different decisions could have shaped a different life - if one was so inclined.
What will be - will be, was the way I looked at life. I didn't realise that through this all, I was waiting for luck to make me.
It's funny that some people would think I plan too much, when in the harsh light of day, I know I never planned at all. Drifting, I took what was offered - maybe more, and for the longest time that was fine. Yes, I know what's done is done. Yes - I know you cant go back and do it over again. But that's the problem isn't it. Knowing all this doesnt make it any better.
I guess the saving grace for us all is the knowledge that part of coping in this life, involves a certain acceptance of who we are - not what we could have been.
Perhaps you find yourself asking;
How do I measure up?
Am I a good person?
Are my motives pure?
The questions we ask differs for each of us. Some people, true to their form, never ask these questions of themselves: we are all so different.
All those words of comfort are fine and dandy, but all the acceptance in the world is cold comfort, when we know the past is set in stone. Perhaps this is the only real truth we have.
But, when life affords you look at what could have been, it's harder to accept a different outcome - realising it was your own fault for not making your own luck a little more often.
The gypsy was right - I just didn't quite understand until now.
7 comments:
I mean - to think I could have been an investment banker with loads of cash, instead of waiting to learn those all these important life lessons (one needs to learn) - before winning Lotto.
Or something not involving money even (whatever that may be).
You overthink life. Life's supposed to be about impulses. One moment, one change, take it or leave it. The more you take it, the better. Thinking can only slow you down and ruin great expectations. I wish you lots of happiness and lots of rest, Mark.
Ooooo, where do I sign up for lotto lessons?!
No need for mentoring, Mark.-
and I just love Dori.
Manic -
At the time this post was written - Yes - I was overthinking. I think we all have periods of doubt, and part of the reasons for blogging these moments is to acknowlege and deal with them.
I also think that with time comes doubt. Sometime it takes time to see there is often a direct result from the choices we make.
I will try to lighten up a bit tho - good point :)
Ren - I was thinking about the life lessons we may have to learn before being "allowed" to win Lotto. :)
It's a subject of an upcoming post I'm working on. Rest assured - you'll probably win Lotto before I do - I have so many lesson yet to learn!
Surely an outlet for thinking, pondering, or just offloading is allowed. Better to write it down than to leave it suffocating inside me thinks NFG
NFG rocks - as always! :)
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