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31/12/2009 : Spent the day trying to shop today - failed dismally.

From up on high I bet we all looked like zombies - aimlessly wandering in search of something unknown; anything to briefly lift the tedium - hoping for a lack of buyers remorse: Failing.

As I wandered past the malls , shops and kiosks I recall how simple shopping once was - when the smallest of items purchased could bring so much joy - now IG and I look in vain, the only sound missing from the hustle and bustle of the throng is the fellow zombies calling BRAINS....BRAINS....

"It doesnt feel like new years eve", I muttered -

"Yes", said IG in muted tones.

"I suppose we expect too much", I commented cryptically.

"Yes", said IG in muted tones.

"There's something about cleavage and white sunglasses isn't there", muttered IG.

"What!", I said distracted somewhat.

"Did you miss that?", he asked

And for a second the sun broke through the clouds lighting our way past the shops toward home.

I wondered what I had missed, but IG was already thinking about a beer as we headed for the Octagon, and had already moved on from said cleavage.

"Yes", I said in muted tones.

2010 - You wont know what fucking hit you.....

2009 - the year that "almost" was.

God - I miss my carbs :(

I've been reflecting on the wins and losses in 2009, and by doing so I've noticed an ironic pattern emerging.
It seems that in most areas of gain, their have also been losses.

Earlier in the year, paths crossed through unfortunate circumstances; someone I care for dearly lost someone close to them, and I was in the right place to help. We had a perfect day in the eye of that storm, and now our lives drift apart once again - to what end remains to be seen, perhaps yet unwritten. I am nothing but an optimist at times, although even my delusions have limits.

My work year has been the most successful yet - these twelve months I am not only a hero, but a legend as well (their words - not mine). Still though this all I am loving my job less and less: my passion abating. My job was my justification of my life as it was lived- now I need more, and I'm not getting what I need there.

On a more positive note I can now mention that I have lost thirteen kilograms (or about 29 pounds) in the last 8 weeks. I guess eventually the guy looking back at me in the mirror wasn't me anymore.
Change the things you can I said to myself - and i did.
By my reckoning I only have 4 to 5 kilograms remaining until my target weight is obtained (at 5' 8" I'm thinking 77kg).
I've come to realize how damn stubborn I can be about some things. Through all of this I have been uber-unbending. On an all expenses paid reward trip to Australia, with all the food and drink I could have wanted, I have stayed true to myself and steadily worked on my goal, unchanged in my resolve.
At the end of it all the HR director came up to me and said "Hi Mark - still have the weight of the world on your shoulders I see". Not understanding why I abstained from so many excesses around me, I eventually told him the secret I was keeping from everyone, including those closest to me.

When I arrived home for Christmas, people were surprised at my lesser self, although it's funny that many asked if i was ill - deep down i suspect they may have a point. :)

So - what do it want for 2010?

What I'm wishing for in 2010 is clarity. A clarity of vision, and direction - not just for me, but for the people who's lives touch mine as they pass. I'm sick of life's ambiguity and irreverence, and dammit - I want answers!

You never know - given my recent track record I may even be stubborn enough to get them.

Take care all - 2010 may be in for a bumpy ride !

80's salad with added egg

From wikipedia:

A double act, also known as a comedy duo, is a comic pairing in which humor is derived from the uneven relationship between two partners,..... Often one of the duo members, the straight man, feed or stooge is portrayed as reasonable and serious, and the other one, the funny man or comic is portrayed as funny, unintelligent or unorthodox. .....

Despite the names given to the roles, the "straight man" need not necessarily be humorless, and it is not always the comic who provides the act's humor. Sometimes, it is the straight man who gets the laughs through his or her sarcastic reactions to the comic's antics.....


Once again I suspect I must play the straight man to Niamh's foil....

It's a tough job but someones got to do it :)

Just saying

Thinking that 2010 I'm going to try on a few changes to see how they fit :)

Have a great Christmas guys - I'm flying down to Dunedin on the 25th, so my next post will have a southern spin to it.

So sad.

Another talented actress taken too soon.

I remember her part in Dont say a Word; she was sublime. Murphy moved from drama to comedy with a sense of grace and style; playing memorable parts she made her own.

She had a smile that would light up a room, I guess the world's just a little bit dimmer, now she's gone.

Why we rock

The complex world of male bonding;

Word!

But allow me to retort

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart”



"Dismiss your vows, your feigned tears, your flattery, for where a heart is hard they make no battery". :)

Man up

I really don't understand this whole serial cheating thing.

A workmate once explained to me that the reason famous men end up shagging other men is simply because when you can have any woman you want - you just don't want them anymore.

Nope - I didn't buy that either.

Woods is an idiot - not because he got lazy and got caught, but because he should have manned up and left his wife first. If you don't love who you're with, at least have enough respect for them to end the relationship first before moving on. I mean - how in love with your wife must you be to sleep with over 10 different woman?

And do you know what makes it worse ? I hear she's now thinking of staying with him for the sake of the children.

I'm betting the children will be just fine without him - and when they grow up I'm sure they'll respect their mother more for leaving his sorry arse in the gutter.

Update: I see she's not wearing the ring - so there's hope for her yet.

Dont buy the album

Sometimes you like a song, because it reminds you a certain time, person or place.

You buy the album, and then you find that it's all just too similar; it dilutes the essence of the original moment, making the overall experience less than what it was.

I wonder if tying up all those emotions in one "event" can have the same outcome in real life? Rather than fearing that possibility, I believe you need to embrace any potential opportunities before dismissing them out of hand.

Just don't expect them all to work out, no matter how hard you cross your fingers.

I kind of take it back.

This trip has been well planned and executed. The team of organisers have done themselves proud, and in doing so are legends in their own right.

One day I will be happy, people. And when that happens it will be due, in no small part, to efforts like theirs, along the way.

My failings are mine, and mine alone - but hopefully you already had that worked out about me :)

Us

Spektor is sublime. Her style is unorthodox.

Of late I think I prefer to walk in the footsteps of people who live for their own reward, regardless of where that path may take them. You may not meet many along the way, but you'll always recognise those who you do cross as kindred spirits.

I like - already

Someone with greater literacy skills than I once wrote, " Our fate lies not in our stars, but in ourselves".

In hindsight my previous posts could have seemed somewhat lacking in appreciation."They're not very appreciative", intoned my father on the phone. He has a point, of sorts… I guess...

In the last three days we have jet-boated, sailed, and swung in hammocks while the world turned around us. We have been wined and dined - puffed and pampered like precious primaddona's.

Yet.

Exactly.

I have to point out that I'm proud to work for a company that recognizes their staffs hard work. I'm even happy that during detailed chats with my company CEO, he insists on calling me Nick - hell I might even change my name lest he discovers his error. That way if he mentions me favorably in dispatches I'll get some credit instead of some other Nick fella :)

Today I went solo from the herd and got some serious roller coaster time in at a local theme park - it came a distant second to a massage from a short haired dominatrix on the beach yesterday, but the end result was the same - superficial bruising, de-stressed muscles and I smile when i remember just how much fun it was in the moment.

God she was vicious - but did I mention she was also very cute?

Being Brutal

I struggled with my post tonight - I wrote and deleted it twice - it just wasn't enough.

Before going to bed I checked my phone and found a text from IG. I laughed aloud and immediately found the muse I needed to make my convoluted point.

IG: A legend say you - to me you are more of a tall tale.

ME: It's ironic; yet as much as I'm touted a Legend, this trip has made me feel more a failure than a success.

All this wasted energy. My firm may appreciate what I've achieved, but I still haven't got what I want - or perhaps, sometimes, as the song intones, even what I need.

The trick maybe accepting I never will. Maybe that's why I feel I really don't belong here….

Thanks for understanding me Ian, I hope the migrane headache after was well worth the effort :)

500 Days of Summer

Work social functions kinda remind me of high school.

You see - right now I'm on the Gold Coast of East Australia. One a year my company selects 26 or so "Legends" and takes them, and their partners on an all expenses paid trip to an exotic location.

So here go I; except I don't feel all that legendary.

As soon as we arrived the cools kids immediately sat at a table by themselves (just like high school), while the rest shuffled desperately not to be the ones left to last, lest they be seen as easy prey to the ever circling dingo's.

I watched from the sidelines, confused, angry and sad; noting that after all this time the dividing lines are just as strong, even as the playing field has changed so much in a quarter of a century.

I hated the cliques - and I still do.
[Although I shouldn't complain too loudly; at the moment the cool kids are still talking to me].

There's obviously still some shuffling left in this never ending ratings war. Trust me, there will casualties to come on both sides one suspects. The dingo's may not go home hungry...

The tone of this post was brought to you by "500 Days of Summer". I watched this on the flight over today, and I have to tell you that this film spoke volumes to me - especially in my own not-so-unique life(less) situation. Watch it and you'll see one of this years best films - period *.


I should have watched this movie over twenty years ago... it explains a lot.




*Shaw - if you rip this movie to shreds with one of your witty movie reviews - I'll be rather put out. You have been warned!!! :)

Constraints

I'm in the middle of a project I cant talk about yet, but within the project itself I've come to realise just how many constraints I put upon myself.

For years I've lived with self imposed boundaries and rules. Without hesitation I make the same decisions time after time, and I now understand that although all that is well and good, I may now not be able to break free of these ties that bind.

I guess I'd like to be a little more human, and make the odd social mistake that I wont necessarily regret....

Freshmen

I think it's good to learn from our personal history; perhaps ghosts that remain guide us as we go, but it's equally important to know we cant change what we did or how we felt.

The thing I like about the past is our inability to change it; conversely our future is equally exciting for the opposite reason - change is always an option :)

It's never to late to do what you truly desire, or so I'm hoping.

Yep yep yep yep

I eat well these days; I tend to cook rather than take out more often than not.
I don't drink as much as I did, and I know what cholesterol and GI are
I'm buying a house.

Tonight I turned on the TV, looked at the shows on offer, and turned it off.
I had to work later tonight, and because i was wasted after a hectic 8 hours at work, I slept for 2 hours instead.

All these decisions may on the surface seem innocuous, but if you dive below the detail you come to realise its just you're getting to old for this shit...

And that depresses the fuck out of me :)

Raindrops

I love this scene from Clerks 2.



Sometimes after a shitty day - doing something like this can really turn it around. This clip captures the emotions perfectly.

Kevin Smith was really on to something here. Better than in Butch Cassidy IMHO :)

WRONG!

For three weeks my internet has been running at about a 1/4 speed.

The first time they went to to the wrong address, closed the fault off, and said there was no problem.

The second time they said they found the problem - and did nothing about it for two weeks.

The third time my internet service provider sided with the subcontractors and said that the speed was as good as I could expect 5kilometers from the exchange. I tried to explain to them it was 4 times faster 3 weeks ago and my neighbours are all getting 5Meg downloads compared to my 1.4Megs!

I cant believe Vodafone's help-desk fuck-wit in Egypt just told me I was wrong.
I was (and am still) fucking livid.

In the meantime my internet is still woefully slow - all because Telecom/Visionstream cant employ staff that can fix a simple line problem - a problem they know exists, and told me about over a week ago.

Welcome to the new world - where techs are paid peanuts, and don't know or don't care about doing a good job because they don't get paid enough to care.

I am so angry I just want to take the lot of them down. I wonder what the head of Vodafone technology will say when I mention casually i had to move to Orcon because his wholesale subcontractors let me down...

I'll let you know.

Food for thought

Finally a philosophy I can buy into..

"Receive with simplicity everything that happens to you" - Rashi