I am the deadliest Jelly

I am deadlyjelly. I'm mad as hell and I cant take it any more.

I have a confession: Ive been writing deadlyjelly since the inception.

It all started when I watched Jack Nicholson in As good as it gets. He said to write as a woman all you had to do was "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability".

I wondered if it was that easy. Turns out it was.
At least until last week.

How was I to know that ;
1) There was a real Niamh Shaw
2) That she was actually a writer and
3) That she'd seen DeadlyJelly.

Now the real Niamh Shaw has lawyered up, and I have received a cease and desist letter in the post.

I worry. I wonder what will happen to Hunkahubby and Jed, now I'm gone. I mean - I used to worry about world peace but this - well this kinda takes precedence.

But mostly I agonize about the posts that I have written that will never see the light of day. The true saga of the windmill power generator - Jeds next big life adventure, and My (sorry) Niamh's next attempt to cross Cook Straight.

All this will be lost now. Lost in the legal read tape of the real Niamh Shaw. The Niamh Shaw that knits doilies and writes love stories from her spinsters apartment in Dublin, fricking Ireland.

This Niamh Shaw is no Lara Croft - this Niamh Shaw is more likely to turn deadlyjelly into a recipe of the week blog - or even worse carry on in a feeble attempt to continue the life of my fricking heroine.

Gone will be the margaritas and ice cold sea swims. Gone the glory of Jed chasing a tennis ball down a rugged Blenheim mountainside - Gone the Hunkahubby and his glorious KTM.

I fully expect that even i will no longer feature.

And that, dear reader - will be a tragedy of epic proportions. :)

Momentum

MarkJ and Sandy:
London 1989

I have a good feeling about this year. I really cant quantify why this particular year should be any better than the last couple - I just have a feeling that after some time things are progressing again.

I think it's been fair to say that catching up with NFG was very much a mixed blessing. The good was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that; the bad was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that. :)

I've loved very few women, and when you know those emotions mean something - it's hard to let them go overnight. In many ways I'll never be over her - I suspect that she probably thinks I hate her - but she was always wrong about that. Sure I was sad and disappointed, but it would have been a monumental move for her and I respect her choice. Any other reaction would have been infantile on my part. When John Lennon once said "All you need in Love" - he couldn't have been more wrong. Relationships are also about time, place, and responsibilities.

I can write this now - two years later on, because I suspect she no longer visits this place. I wish there was a way of turning off these emotions - so in someway we could remain friends. Once upon a time I thought I could do just that - but I couldn't have been more wrong. Part of me would have died inside. I suspect life may yet have more in store for us - but what that may be is outside of my control and may always be.

Still, through all the emotional highs and lows we had a perfect moment in time. Fate conspired to put us in the same time and place, and for the longest time I thought it would be enough.
I know I was lucky to love her, and to have that amazing emotional connection. It serves to remind me that such things are possible in life, and one day may be again.

So - I am moving on. Casting off, settling sail; I suspect it will still take time to gain momentum - but in part my journey is already starting.

And believe me when I say that's no small thing. :)

Thomas Hardy rocks!

We kissed at the barrier; and passing through
She left me, and moment by moment got
Smaller and smaller, until to my view
She was but a spot;

A wee white spot of muslin fluff
That down the diminishing platform bore
Through hustling crowds of gentle and rough
To the carriage door.

Under the lamplight’s fitful glowers,
Behind dark groups from far and near,
Whose interests were apart from ours,
She would disappear,

Then show again, till I ceased to see
That flexible form, that nebulous white;
And she who was more than my life to me
Had vanished quite …

We have penned new plans since that fair fond day,
And in season she will appear again -
Perhaps in the same soft white array -
But never as then!

- “And why, young man, must eternally fly
A joy you’ll repeat, if you love her well?”
—O friend, nought happens twice thus; why,
I cannot tell!

stolen from http://imjimmorrisonimdead.tumblr.com/

Maybe knowing less is more

It's amazing how you always come back to certain songs.
No matter how many times you may have heard it; after some time apart you always get back together, because it resonates somehow.
I like that often you don't even know why.
I've come to believe that we can look to closely for reasons. I wonder if by trying to understand everything, we lose something in the process.

Perhaps in more than one way, ignorance is truly bliss?

2011 Redux

I've been thinking about how I'm going to approach this year.
We've been circling around each other for four days now, and it's like neither of us want to make the first move. We both know however, when it's on there will be bruises.

I know there will be changes this year. I cant stay doing what I've been doing with the same management structure - I need a change. I've a few plans around that and have already done some background work to get that happening.

Socially - I'm unsure. Frankly I've never pushed this aspect harder than in the last few months of last year. New friendships are difficult, made no easier by my approach to new friendships. Simply put - I hate putting myself out there. Hate it. That said - I got a lovely text this new year that made me think my efforts were bearing fruit. I hope so - she's totally worth the effort.

I have a feeling that in 2011, less is more. At work I'd like less emotion, less crap, fewer mistakes. In saying that I'd still be happy with new mistakes, because at least I'd be learning.

I am in the eye of the storm - around me I can see the devastation gone and the year yet to come.

2011 we be real enough, soon enough. But for now, perhaps we're both enjoying the holiday :)

No idea - at all

I'd like to think life was trying to teach me something in 2010; that living through another year would bring with it a better understanding of my place in this universe.

Life, perhaps, does not realise the challenge it has with me. I am a very slow learner.

Seeing past my own perceptions is a challenge I've yet to master; more recently I've had to accept that my understanding of my own personal universe is lacking. It's nice to have something to work on I guess.

I've recently seen the struggles made by youngsters finding their stride; their place in this world. I never thought that this process was continually ongoing - that we all must continue to find new meaning in what we do. Although life is a job for life, it can be hard to change pace, look where we run, and find out where the hell the race is taking us.
We can stumble, get lost in the maze of options; it is especially hard if we have too many options, or we see the obstacles in front of us too clearly. I'm beginning to think if we try too hard not to fall, we may miss the point of the race all together.

Frankly, some days I wish I never knew. I prefer so many other things to running. :)

Good hunting

To everyone who drops by to read my meandering stories, I wish you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas. Take care of each other - after all, we're all we've got.

Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.
- Mother Teresa

Like me fuckers!

My universe is contracting.

Many of my Auckland friends have settled down with their families, or are playing house with their new partners. I don't get home to Dunedin nearly enough to stay that current with my friends down there, so over eight years what once were busy weekends have now become rather predictable and perhaps a little boring.

I know that it's up to me to make new friends, and to find new social circles to orbit, but thinking and doing can often be different things entirely. That said, I have met a number of lovely people this year.

From a single outsider looking into to another social circle, it can often be hard to break in. It's not enough to want it; they have to want it too.

It's kind of silly really. You want to build friendships; yet by making the extra effort you can look needy or overly aggressive. The rub is that if you don't try hard enough you never make an impression at all.

Some days you wonder why the hell you bother, and the next you're enjoying great company wondering what you did to deserve it.

Through it all I know that no matter how fine the line I dance; my choices are honest and there is no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get - and I guess that's all that really matters.

Dont drink and think

I hardly ever drink.
Drinking is something you should do with friends - somewhere you feel safe.

I hate bars.
On the whole they're populated with entirely different people, who's motivations I just don't understand.

I hate drunk me.
Entirely too open, entirely to honest, entirely too easy to read; even when I say nothing at all.
I see the paths to take. Too many taken before, all leading nowhere. I dont see the point. I am too jaded; I feel as old as time.

I have to be careful - words become dangerous. Words are scanned, removed, and sanitized inside. Mouth engaged; language becomes a minefield of intentions.

Best to leave I think.

I hug, then I do.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

Shiny floor indeed

Deadly Jelly stole my copy of Knight and Day.

DUDE
(she texted)
Can we borrow Knight and Day?
Please please PRETTY FUCKING PLEASE?
Your floor's very shiny, quite impressed x

I only say this, because in shorter order we will doubtlessly see a @deadlyjelly review of "Knight and Day", and I very much suspect it will not show me in a good light.

I've been thinking about this film most of the day. I think I like it.
I've been wondering why.

I think it's because I've come to hate "You've got Mail" mostly.

This is the synopsis of You've Got Mail;

Boy and Girl cheat of each others respective partners by developing an online relationship.
Real world Girl and Real world Boy meet - Real world Boy lies about who he is
Real world Girl finds about Real world boy at party - Real world Boy acts like an arse.
Real world Boy casually sets out to destroy Real world girls business
Real world Boy finds out girl is actually online girl - but doesn't tell her.
Real world Boy sets out to woo online girl - all the time hiding who he really is (Online Boy)
Online boy arranges with online girl to meet him finally. Realworld boy tries to stop Realworld Girl meeting Online boy.
Real world girl turns down Real world boy to meet online Boy
Online girl meets Online boy and finds out he's Real world Boy - and doesn't kill him on the spot
Real world girl always hoped Real world Boy would be online boy.
They kiss - dog nuzzles crotch.

Bollocks.

Knight and Day may be complete bollocks as well.
But it's good spirited bollocks, where the good guys are good and the bad guys aren't grey.
The romantic leads seem like good people.
Tom doesn't shag Cameron Diaz after 5 minutes - or 10 even.

It's light hearted, whimsical, and a nice bit of chewing gum for the mind.

And right now - that seems a pretty good fit for me.

Plus Tom didnt smile too much.

Rule 1

How life should be :)

The spiral

I think that if we're open to it, we adopt the best habits of those who influence our world.
If you are lucky enough to have friends or associates who are outward looking, positive and motivated, it's hard not to be lifted and taken along for the ride.

When those influences are gone, and you find yourself longing for their return, there are two options; to pick up the baton and run with it, or look for another group of like minded people and join them.

Make it or find it - but either way - be it; before it's too late.

Two minute silence

Twenty nine men still underground, and a nation grieves.
Two minutes of silence at two pm.
Supermarkets announce the coming of the hour; everyone stops: there is silence.
I wish I was there.

Our office is a barnyard of cultures
The sounds of many languages
Everyone rushing; so busy
I couldn't stay there.

I walked to the cafe; saw the fat cats drink their lattes
Chattering through it all, like it was nothing
I walked away, found a quiet spot.
I thought about all the things the 29 would never have.

Sons, daughters, grand kids, wives and lovers.
One was a teenager, and now will always be.

Time passed, the world moved on two more minutes.
I didnt know them, I didn't have to grieve.
But I had a respect for the risks they took to make a daily wage.
And how fragile we can be when chance bets against you.

Just another day.
The world moves on; they stay behind.
Thank God the coasters will remember them.
Because there are too many who never bothered to care.

Wedding Songs

I always thought "Never Tear us Apart" would be the ultimate wedding song.



And "By my side" would be a close second.



But if wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak :)

Here endeth the INXS posts !

Beautiful Girl

A haunting INXS song from the 90's.
I love how we can discover old things for the first time ever
And they become new again.

A true story

Once upon a time I was locked in a tin shed filled with fishing nets and corks. I was told that I was going to spend the rest of my life in that shed, and that I'd never see my parents again. It was hot and musty - the sun shone through dirty windows lighting up the dust in the air. I was terrified. When I asked what I was going to eat, I was told that I could eat the corks.

I think I was five or six years old.

I cant help but wonder who I would have been if that moment never elapsed.

I cant help but wonder what I would have to do to them in order to provoke a similar emotional response; especially now they must be in their mid 50's.

I honestly think that whatever that would be, I'd probably get some serious jail time. Especially as I think one is now a top cop, and the other a member of parliament.

So: two lessons.

One: You are what you absorb, and
Two: There is no such thing as Karma.

Although I'd like to be proven wrong on the second one.

Respect and Admiration

Respect and admiration aren't given away.
Respect is earned over time; can never be demanded or sought.
There is no clear cut way to either outcome; it can come from adversity or love.
It can come from anywhere and nowhere at the same time.

You cant just give it away on a whim: you have to be sure.
Like the love of your life, it's hard to give back when it's gone,
But through it all it shouldn't be retained for past deeds,
Because respect and admiration are both retained through consistency.

There are no awards, often there can be no words.
They are but silent reminders of the best we can be,
And who we might become, if we try.

Minutes to Memories

How much passion this life?
And how much magic?
And why, oh why, can I not find a DVD to watch?

I literally have hundreds; many I watch over and over.
In some way I want them to teach me something - something I haven't yet seen. Why else would I watch them so many times? Some days I wonder if these favourites aren't just the visual equivalent of warm socks on a cold winters day.

Today's choice showed, among other things, a man and his wife on a couch. How as she lent in close; how as she put her head on his shoulder, they just fitted like some small part of a cosmic jigsaw puzzle.

I see parts of that puzzle every day; how some things fit, and others never do. I see what looks like a three year old child; a child who cant understand why the shapes don't fit, but carries on regardless.
I see some parts dance around each other, getting set aside for another day, another dance. And through this all I also see this all as someone who might move the pieces, but never take part in it's final outcome.

And finally, as the movie finishes i hear;

The universe will expand
and it will collapse back on itself
and then it will expand again.

It will repeat this process forever

What you don't know is that when the universe expands again
Everything will be as it is now.
Whatever mistakes you make this time around
You will live through again on your next pass

Every mistake you make you will live through
Again and again
Forever.

So my advise to you is to get it right this time around
Because this time, is all you have.

And when I stop to think, I think this apt. Especially from the outside looking in.

Where I am today.

I've been struggling with the concept of friendships lately.
From those I've known since my school days, later through my early years at work, and onto those I'm yet to make, friends have become the foundation that I build myself upon.

Lately I've found I want to know more people who inspire, and help me grow.
Not that I'm desperate, but I can only hope they'll see something special in me as well.
And if that makes me try a little harder to be a better person, so be it.

So true.

"Hold it, wait. Cut the fucking bass, man. Folks, may i have your fucking attention please?"

-Niamh Shaw; About Time