Waiting

You'd be so proud of me - I'm doing everything differently.

I have a new job, a new bonus, a new salary: a new me.
Well I'm not sure I can really suspend disbelief completely with that last one, but change is most definitely afoot.

I haven't been posting lately, because I was seeing a trend I didn't want to continue. There was some angst it was fair to say, and I was sick of making it more "real" by writing it down. I have, however come to the conclusion that getting things like rewards, jobs, and money often only serve to bring into sharp relief the things you're not getting, or that are missing from your life.

I've resisted the temptation to charge on regardless, as I have done every other time - with limited (to no) success. Instead, this time, I have decided to sit back and wait - to see what might happen without forcing my own luck. I'm beginning to understand that much of what we want involves a certain degree of trust. I was also reminded that much of what we want involves the action of others; actions that should be true and unforced.

For now, more that ever - what will be will be.
Being truly open to that will be a painful lesson I'm sure.

Wish me luck :)

Moments of clarity and lucidly

I sent someone a text today. Simply put - I believe it was probably the best writing I've done in a long long time. All through today I referred back to it - I can't believe I wrote it. These moments are sent to remind us of magic of words - that they can move us so much, yet can come from a part of ourselves we can't recognize or touch.

Tumblr and being in love

I've been wandering around Tumblr lately posting random quotes and images on my homepage.

Although Tumblr is mostly porn, there are some other amazing images to be seen and digested.

It's nice to know that while a lot of the stuff pitched to us in this world is sterile and ultimately false, the internet remains a bastion of hope in so many places.

See the best of it it before the soulless bastards ban it and try and sell us a Prius instead.

Maybe even the porn.

Out of limbo

I got a new job yesterday.
Over one hundred people applied, and when my new manager gave me the good news he actually mentioned the high caliber of the shortlist, and how pleased he was that he had me to choose.

This new job is requires an entirely new skill set - one that I must develop over time from scratch. I look forward to the challenge - the focus, and the change. I'm just not as happy as I should be; and that makes me angry.

Knowing what you really want is a curse of sorts - especially if it's nothing you can plan or work toward. I guess that every now and again you have to rely on someone else to make a difference, even if you're used to flying solo.

And flying solo is something I'm sick of right now.

Zombie didnt eat MY brain

I'm hating my brain right now.

I'm trying hard not to listen to it, to fall into the same traps as always.
I'm trying to evolve, do things differently.
I'm reminded that doing the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome is sheer madness.

It's not easy living with my thought processes right now - but maybe that's a great reason to try another tack - and perhaps as a result, a different outcome.

And that's a thought I can deal with.

Gentleman have to live with themselves

Probably why I'm still single; I refuse to compromise.

This rule, and so many more from here

Observing the Octopus

Isn't it unfortunate when you meet someone you like?

I find it odd when the realization dawns; like in that ever so famous "filim" Love Actually, when Hugh Grants character meets Natalie. It's so...well... inconvenient.

It's also horrible when you realize that once again, your brain and disassociated hormones have swung the lever on some cosmic one arm bandit; yet instead of being showered in joy you simply feel sick to your stomach.

It's even worse when you know that you're not the Prime Minister of England, nor is she a tea lady. Personally, I think my brain has an ironic sense of humour, and would be better served concentrating on World Peace or some other achievable aim - rather than a foolhardy pursuit of someone so laughably beyond my reach.

Yet, regardless, the feeling persists - in much the same way morning sickness doesn't. :)

Lots of healthy denial and sweeping under carpets methinks.... yep - that should do the trick :D

Because it's important

Stuff I wish I knew 25 years ago

Although I know this cant possibly make sense, it's important to know that it doesn't matter how much you're into another person; it's how much they're into you that really counts.

In this, nothing you do has any influence; it's all the things you did to get to that moment of awareness. By then it's either happened, or it never will.

Reflection

“The quietest people have the loudest minds.”

Greater Expectations - the Omelette Experience

It's horrid to expect more from life; especially when we should know better. There are many certainties in life; if you hold your hand on a hot stove element you will always burn yourself. But people seldom follow the same laws of physics when it comes to emotion.

I keep looking for something or someone to change my mind. I'm open to change - open to being surprised - just not in a birthday kind of way.

I also realize that this is entirely my own fault. I understand that every now and and again you will get chicken instead of cheese in your omelette (true story). The truth is you may not like the omelette, but it is what it is.

You pick at the omelet and try to pull out the chicken, but you realize that it's not entirely possible to remove the two from each other. You almost decide to give up and eat the paltry excuse for a meal, when you understand you just cant bring yourself to.

From a distance your plate looks like a war zone, and you're still hungry.

You go to McDonald for a Fillet 'O' Fish, and although that will do at a pinch, you're always looking for something to satisfy the deeper hunger inside.

But it will never be chicken.

A life more Appl-ee

I remember building my first real computer. Anything before was simply an imitation; something I got up early, and cycled to school for in the middle of winter.

I had a black and white monitor, a basic case with no sound card; yet financially I was tapped out. Weeks later I'd unwrap a new card from its static proof enclosure, waiting for the dulcet tones of Windows 95.

I loved to play, explore..inadvertently, eventually destroying : no longer me.

Now;

I want it to run out of the box -
I have no need to make it unique.
I've seen it in all its iterations,
I just want it to work.
I want it to be secure.

I don't want the possible thrill of a virus; I no longer care that I run everything through iTunes. Now It's there for me through it all; like a constant companion, ever reliable.

It's just that I saw a friends son in the weekend - he showed me his Android phone, and scoffed at my notion of an iPad. I saw in him a return to the days of my first PC. Poles, and a lifetime apart we smiled and went our separate ways.

Later still, I saw that all this was simply a conversation about different life choices, and thought it odd that we may have been speaking entirely different languages at the same time. :)

Tori Amos - Thank you

Loved this song for so long.

hard truths

five bottles of wine
truth bubbles to the surface
buried in concrete

Being there

The question; is one man meant for one woman?

But it is not an interesting question.
It is the question of a little girl, who believes in fairy tales.

No. It's an everyone question.


I am constantly surprised at what I take for granted.
What I think is, and isn't; and how I can never decipher the difference.

I once thought I had a grip on this life.
Then, much later I realized I knew much less.
As time goes on I see the chaos; I see the subtle shifts in the ebb and flow.
I see it - but its meaning is lost to me now.
I just see that at the end of all of this, all we have is each other.

Our time will come and go; others will take our place. For a time we will remain a memory then that too will be gone.

But...

When we reach out a hand, touch a shoulder, hug a friend - in that moment we are immortal. The strength we give each other in these times of need is so great - yet it never seems enough.

In that instant, that time to shine, I wish I was all I could be and more.

Tumblr mashup

But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.

— Haruki Murakami, “Norwegian Wood” (via sunfollower)

I want to disagree with this violently, but I realize I may also be wrong.

Nothing to see here

I haven't been around of late. Any communications to the outside world are simply two line updates on twitter or Facebook.

I've been in Christchurch for another week now. As much as it feels odd to say this - things seem to be getting back to normal.

Except really - they aren't.

The real risk with all this is that we have almost acclimatized to the status quo. The signs and symptoms of the quake are still there to be seen but we have normalized or trivialized their existence.

All this would be fine if everyone had power - if everyone had running water - or if everyone had a working sewerage system.

Now the media have thrown away this poor cousin for the horrors of Japan, I worry if the rest of us will also see Christchurch as secondary.

I just worry when I hear of adult men bursting into tears when they're offered a chemical toilet; when people are so grateful for fresh water and a hot meal.

There was an earthquake here. Lest we forget.

Just Chilling

Christchurch revisited

I heard about the latest earthquake in a typical understated way.
One of my Christchurch workmates emailed "Big earthquake about an hour ago, having issues with communications, please start emergency management team right away".

I was in Wellington, doing some pretesting for planned work later that evening. An hour later all national planned work was canceled, and we stood in shock as the television news showed us the damage.

Within 24 hours, we had filled our vehicle with as much food and water as we could carry, and caught the ferry to the South Island. Stopping in Blenheim, we hired a trailer and purchased over 300 litres of fuel, before continuing on to Christchurch.

We arrived in the city as darkness fell. One of us dashed home to recover his household items, and ended up pitching a tent in his front lawn for the night. Another settled in to the night shift, while I took a car and headed to my aunts to grab some sleep.

Today we worked through a myriad of issues trying to keep our cellular network up for emergency services and our customers. You see the best of people in times like this - people reaching out to help complete strangers. You see rules being bent, so that something that might take a week, can now take a day. You feel that on days like today, as a species, we might actually have long term prospects.

Though it all we now refuse to watch the news - we know the suffering - we work to help. Seeing the coverage would make the issues seem too big to overcome - it's important to know that this city is not dying. Many people have died, and that is very sad, but many more have survived; have homes to live in, while power and running water are slowly being restored.

I'm not sure about the role of the media at times like this. I'm torn between highlighting the needs of the people who live here, and their privacy. Many of the people I feel are being taken advantage of - I wonder if they will be angry when they look back. I just don't know.

Tomorrow we may have enough hot water for showers. I might be able to wash my clothes - I originally planned to be in Wellington for only 2 days and packed light.
We will make more progress tomorrow, and the city will respond in kind. There will be much more good than bad, and this community will grow through it all.

Christchurch will endure; if only those outside believe, as we believe.

Have some faith in us. Please.

Long hours at the office

Some days I don't feel like a good person.
Some days I am led by emotion
And when I'm tired, and stretched mentally, my veneer is stretched to transparency.

At times like these, when the world becomes black and white;
you're either with me or against me.

I find it odd that even when stretched to these extremes, certain things can still keep you in check.

I've come to discover that respect can help you step back for the edge of self destruction.
That when someone you admire has something to say you can file everything else away for another day. That listening to that person can often calm the storm inside.

The problem evolves when you don't respect the person talking to.
Any of the words you share, either with yourself or others,
Can later make you feel like a bad person, even if the words themselves are valid.

There's something to be said about honesty being the best policy.
And living to fight another day.
But life never conforming entirely to either ideal, just makes a mockery of the entire situation. :)