Waiting

You'd be so proud of me - I'm doing everything differently.

I have a new job, a new bonus, a new salary: a new me.
Well I'm not sure I can really suspend disbelief completely with that last one, but change is most definitely afoot.

I haven't been posting lately, because I was seeing a trend I didn't want to continue. There was some angst it was fair to say, and I was sick of making it more "real" by writing it down. I have, however come to the conclusion that getting things like rewards, jobs, and money often only serve to bring into sharp relief the things you're not getting, or that are missing from your life.

I've resisted the temptation to charge on regardless, as I have done every other time - with limited (to no) success. Instead, this time, I have decided to sit back and wait - to see what might happen without forcing my own luck. I'm beginning to understand that much of what we want involves a certain degree of trust. I was also reminded that much of what we want involves the action of others; actions that should be true and unforced.

For now, more that ever - what will be will be.
Being truly open to that will be a painful lesson I'm sure.

Wish me luck :)