Tori Amos - Thank you

Loved this song for so long.

hard truths

five bottles of wine
truth bubbles to the surface
buried in concrete

Being there

The question; is one man meant for one woman?

But it is not an interesting question.
It is the question of a little girl, who believes in fairy tales.

No. It's an everyone question.


I am constantly surprised at what I take for granted.
What I think is, and isn't; and how I can never decipher the difference.

I once thought I had a grip on this life.
Then, much later I realized I knew much less.
As time goes on I see the chaos; I see the subtle shifts in the ebb and flow.
I see it - but its meaning is lost to me now.
I just see that at the end of all of this, all we have is each other.

Our time will come and go; others will take our place. For a time we will remain a memory then that too will be gone.

But...

When we reach out a hand, touch a shoulder, hug a friend - in that moment we are immortal. The strength we give each other in these times of need is so great - yet it never seems enough.

In that instant, that time to shine, I wish I was all I could be and more.

Tumblr mashup

But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives.

— Haruki Murakami, “Norwegian Wood” (via sunfollower)

I want to disagree with this violently, but I realize I may also be wrong.

Nothing to see here

I haven't been around of late. Any communications to the outside world are simply two line updates on twitter or Facebook.

I've been in Christchurch for another week now. As much as it feels odd to say this - things seem to be getting back to normal.

Except really - they aren't.

The real risk with all this is that we have almost acclimatized to the status quo. The signs and symptoms of the quake are still there to be seen but we have normalized or trivialized their existence.

All this would be fine if everyone had power - if everyone had running water - or if everyone had a working sewerage system.

Now the media have thrown away this poor cousin for the horrors of Japan, I worry if the rest of us will also see Christchurch as secondary.

I just worry when I hear of adult men bursting into tears when they're offered a chemical toilet; when people are so grateful for fresh water and a hot meal.

There was an earthquake here. Lest we forget.

Just Chilling

Christchurch revisited

I heard about the latest earthquake in a typical understated way.
One of my Christchurch workmates emailed "Big earthquake about an hour ago, having issues with communications, please start emergency management team right away".

I was in Wellington, doing some pretesting for planned work later that evening. An hour later all national planned work was canceled, and we stood in shock as the television news showed us the damage.

Within 24 hours, we had filled our vehicle with as much food and water as we could carry, and caught the ferry to the South Island. Stopping in Blenheim, we hired a trailer and purchased over 300 litres of fuel, before continuing on to Christchurch.

We arrived in the city as darkness fell. One of us dashed home to recover his household items, and ended up pitching a tent in his front lawn for the night. Another settled in to the night shift, while I took a car and headed to my aunts to grab some sleep.

Today we worked through a myriad of issues trying to keep our cellular network up for emergency services and our customers. You see the best of people in times like this - people reaching out to help complete strangers. You see rules being bent, so that something that might take a week, can now take a day. You feel that on days like today, as a species, we might actually have long term prospects.

Though it all we now refuse to watch the news - we know the suffering - we work to help. Seeing the coverage would make the issues seem too big to overcome - it's important to know that this city is not dying. Many people have died, and that is very sad, but many more have survived; have homes to live in, while power and running water are slowly being restored.

I'm not sure about the role of the media at times like this. I'm torn between highlighting the needs of the people who live here, and their privacy. Many of the people I feel are being taken advantage of - I wonder if they will be angry when they look back. I just don't know.

Tomorrow we may have enough hot water for showers. I might be able to wash my clothes - I originally planned to be in Wellington for only 2 days and packed light.
We will make more progress tomorrow, and the city will respond in kind. There will be much more good than bad, and this community will grow through it all.

Christchurch will endure; if only those outside believe, as we believe.

Have some faith in us. Please.

Long hours at the office

Some days I don't feel like a good person.
Some days I am led by emotion
And when I'm tired, and stretched mentally, my veneer is stretched to transparency.

At times like these, when the world becomes black and white;
you're either with me or against me.

I find it odd that even when stretched to these extremes, certain things can still keep you in check.

I've come to discover that respect can help you step back for the edge of self destruction.
That when someone you admire has something to say you can file everything else away for another day. That listening to that person can often calm the storm inside.

The problem evolves when you don't respect the person talking to.
Any of the words you share, either with yourself or others,
Can later make you feel like a bad person, even if the words themselves are valid.

There's something to be said about honesty being the best policy.
And living to fight another day.
But life never conforming entirely to either ideal, just makes a mockery of the entire situation. :)

I am the deadliest Jelly

I am deadlyjelly. I'm mad as hell and I cant take it any more.

I have a confession: Ive been writing deadlyjelly since the inception.

It all started when I watched Jack Nicholson in As good as it gets. He said to write as a woman all you had to do was "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability".

I wondered if it was that easy. Turns out it was.
At least until last week.

How was I to know that ;
1) There was a real Niamh Shaw
2) That she was actually a writer and
3) That she'd seen DeadlyJelly.

Now the real Niamh Shaw has lawyered up, and I have received a cease and desist letter in the post.

I worry. I wonder what will happen to Hunkahubby and Jed, now I'm gone. I mean - I used to worry about world peace but this - well this kinda takes precedence.

But mostly I agonize about the posts that I have written that will never see the light of day. The true saga of the windmill power generator - Jeds next big life adventure, and My (sorry) Niamh's next attempt to cross Cook Straight.

All this will be lost now. Lost in the legal read tape of the real Niamh Shaw. The Niamh Shaw that knits doilies and writes love stories from her spinsters apartment in Dublin, fricking Ireland.

This Niamh Shaw is no Lara Croft - this Niamh Shaw is more likely to turn deadlyjelly into a recipe of the week blog - or even worse carry on in a feeble attempt to continue the life of my fricking heroine.

Gone will be the margaritas and ice cold sea swims. Gone the glory of Jed chasing a tennis ball down a rugged Blenheim mountainside - Gone the Hunkahubby and his glorious KTM.

I fully expect that even i will no longer feature.

And that, dear reader - will be a tragedy of epic proportions. :)

Momentum

MarkJ and Sandy:
London 1989

I have a good feeling about this year. I really cant quantify why this particular year should be any better than the last couple - I just have a feeling that after some time things are progressing again.

I think it's been fair to say that catching up with NFG was very much a mixed blessing. The good was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that; the bad was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that. :)

I've loved very few women, and when you know those emotions mean something - it's hard to let them go overnight. In many ways I'll never be over her - I suspect that she probably thinks I hate her - but she was always wrong about that. Sure I was sad and disappointed, but it would have been a monumental move for her and I respect her choice. Any other reaction would have been infantile on my part. When John Lennon once said "All you need in Love" - he couldn't have been more wrong. Relationships are also about time, place, and responsibilities.

I can write this now - two years later on, because I suspect she no longer visits this place. I wish there was a way of turning off these emotions - so in someway we could remain friends. Once upon a time I thought I could do just that - but I couldn't have been more wrong. Part of me would have died inside. I suspect life may yet have more in store for us - but what that may be is outside of my control and may always be.

Still, through all the emotional highs and lows we had a perfect moment in time. Fate conspired to put us in the same time and place, and for the longest time I thought it would be enough.
I know I was lucky to love her, and to have that amazing emotional connection. It serves to remind me that such things are possible in life, and one day may be again.

So - I am moving on. Casting off, settling sail; I suspect it will still take time to gain momentum - but in part my journey is already starting.

And believe me when I say that's no small thing. :)

Thomas Hardy rocks!

We kissed at the barrier; and passing through
She left me, and moment by moment got
Smaller and smaller, until to my view
She was but a spot;

A wee white spot of muslin fluff
That down the diminishing platform bore
Through hustling crowds of gentle and rough
To the carriage door.

Under the lamplight’s fitful glowers,
Behind dark groups from far and near,
Whose interests were apart from ours,
She would disappear,

Then show again, till I ceased to see
That flexible form, that nebulous white;
And she who was more than my life to me
Had vanished quite …

We have penned new plans since that fair fond day,
And in season she will appear again -
Perhaps in the same soft white array -
But never as then!

- “And why, young man, must eternally fly
A joy you’ll repeat, if you love her well?”
—O friend, nought happens twice thus; why,
I cannot tell!

stolen from http://imjimmorrisonimdead.tumblr.com/

Maybe knowing less is more

It's amazing how you always come back to certain songs.
No matter how many times you may have heard it; after some time apart you always get back together, because it resonates somehow.
I like that often you don't even know why.
I've come to believe that we can look to closely for reasons. I wonder if by trying to understand everything, we lose something in the process.

Perhaps in more than one way, ignorance is truly bliss?

2011 Redux

I've been thinking about how I'm going to approach this year.
We've been circling around each other for four days now, and it's like neither of us want to make the first move. We both know however, when it's on there will be bruises.

I know there will be changes this year. I cant stay doing what I've been doing with the same management structure - I need a change. I've a few plans around that and have already done some background work to get that happening.

Socially - I'm unsure. Frankly I've never pushed this aspect harder than in the last few months of last year. New friendships are difficult, made no easier by my approach to new friendships. Simply put - I hate putting myself out there. Hate it. That said - I got a lovely text this new year that made me think my efforts were bearing fruit. I hope so - she's totally worth the effort.

I have a feeling that in 2011, less is more. At work I'd like less emotion, less crap, fewer mistakes. In saying that I'd still be happy with new mistakes, because at least I'd be learning.

I am in the eye of the storm - around me I can see the devastation gone and the year yet to come.

2011 we be real enough, soon enough. But for now, perhaps we're both enjoying the holiday :)

No idea - at all

I'd like to think life was trying to teach me something in 2010; that living through another year would bring with it a better understanding of my place in this universe.

Life, perhaps, does not realise the challenge it has with me. I am a very slow learner.

Seeing past my own perceptions is a challenge I've yet to master; more recently I've had to accept that my understanding of my own personal universe is lacking. It's nice to have something to work on I guess.

I've recently seen the struggles made by youngsters finding their stride; their place in this world. I never thought that this process was continually ongoing - that we all must continue to find new meaning in what we do. Although life is a job for life, it can be hard to change pace, look where we run, and find out where the hell the race is taking us.
We can stumble, get lost in the maze of options; it is especially hard if we have too many options, or we see the obstacles in front of us too clearly. I'm beginning to think if we try too hard not to fall, we may miss the point of the race all together.

Frankly, some days I wish I never knew. I prefer so many other things to running. :)

Good hunting

To everyone who drops by to read my meandering stories, I wish you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas. Take care of each other - after all, we're all we've got.

Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.
- Mother Teresa

Like me fuckers!

My universe is contracting.

Many of my Auckland friends have settled down with their families, or are playing house with their new partners. I don't get home to Dunedin nearly enough to stay that current with my friends down there, so over eight years what once were busy weekends have now become rather predictable and perhaps a little boring.

I know that it's up to me to make new friends, and to find new social circles to orbit, but thinking and doing can often be different things entirely. That said, I have met a number of lovely people this year.

From a single outsider looking into to another social circle, it can often be hard to break in. It's not enough to want it; they have to want it too.

It's kind of silly really. You want to build friendships; yet by making the extra effort you can look needy or overly aggressive. The rub is that if you don't try hard enough you never make an impression at all.

Some days you wonder why the hell you bother, and the next you're enjoying great company wondering what you did to deserve it.

Through it all I know that no matter how fine the line I dance; my choices are honest and there is no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get - and I guess that's all that really matters.

Dont drink and think

I hardly ever drink.
Drinking is something you should do with friends - somewhere you feel safe.

I hate bars.
On the whole they're populated with entirely different people, who's motivations I just don't understand.

I hate drunk me.
Entirely too open, entirely to honest, entirely too easy to read; even when I say nothing at all.
I see the paths to take. Too many taken before, all leading nowhere. I dont see the point. I am too jaded; I feel as old as time.

I have to be careful - words become dangerous. Words are scanned, removed, and sanitized inside. Mouth engaged; language becomes a minefield of intentions.

Best to leave I think.

I hug, then I do.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

Shiny floor indeed

Deadly Jelly stole my copy of Knight and Day.

DUDE
(she texted)
Can we borrow Knight and Day?
Please please PRETTY FUCKING PLEASE?
Your floor's very shiny, quite impressed x

I only say this, because in shorter order we will doubtlessly see a @deadlyjelly review of "Knight and Day", and I very much suspect it will not show me in a good light.

I've been thinking about this film most of the day. I think I like it.
I've been wondering why.

I think it's because I've come to hate "You've got Mail" mostly.

This is the synopsis of You've Got Mail;

Boy and Girl cheat of each others respective partners by developing an online relationship.
Real world Girl and Real world Boy meet - Real world Boy lies about who he is
Real world Girl finds about Real world boy at party - Real world Boy acts like an arse.
Real world Boy casually sets out to destroy Real world girls business
Real world Boy finds out girl is actually online girl - but doesn't tell her.
Real world Boy sets out to woo online girl - all the time hiding who he really is (Online Boy)
Online boy arranges with online girl to meet him finally. Realworld boy tries to stop Realworld Girl meeting Online boy.
Real world girl turns down Real world boy to meet online Boy
Online girl meets Online boy and finds out he's Real world Boy - and doesn't kill him on the spot
Real world girl always hoped Real world Boy would be online boy.
They kiss - dog nuzzles crotch.

Bollocks.

Knight and Day may be complete bollocks as well.
But it's good spirited bollocks, where the good guys are good and the bad guys aren't grey.
The romantic leads seem like good people.
Tom doesn't shag Cameron Diaz after 5 minutes - or 10 even.

It's light hearted, whimsical, and a nice bit of chewing gum for the mind.

And right now - that seems a pretty good fit for me.

Plus Tom didnt smile too much.

Rule 1

How life should be :)

The spiral

I think that if we're open to it, we adopt the best habits of those who influence our world.
If you are lucky enough to have friends or associates who are outward looking, positive and motivated, it's hard not to be lifted and taken along for the ride.

When those influences are gone, and you find yourself longing for their return, there are two options; to pick up the baton and run with it, or look for another group of like minded people and join them.

Make it or find it - but either way - be it; before it's too late.