Prozac Prose

This evening I took some time out to look around a local bookshop. When looking for a new writer I often follow a process I use when trying new wines - I'll take the ones with the nicest labels thank you very much.

Tonight my search passed row after row of self help books...

Im a cynic when I comes to self-help books. I think, in the most part they only succeed in helping their authors make huge mounds of cash. While I'm on this subject, I've always wondered why airport bookstores have an inordinate number of these books. Is it because frequent flyers need more help than those who take the bus or train? Is visiting an airport bookstore really just a cry for help?

Perhaps not.

At the same time I find it odd that any odd person can write a self help book that any other odd-er person can pick off a shelf; after all one cannot simply rock up to the chemist and pick a box of Prozac or Xanax of a counter like a pack of condoms. God that would be great. Just imagine.. "Very good sir - would you like some LSD or E with that"?

Anyway...

I looked at the titles, and the famous authors. Witty titles and colorful labels beckoned to me like an iPad on payday, and yes I must admit I was tempted. But with so many areas for self improvement, and so few years remaining, I decided it was much better to be a Monet (fine from far away, but with an underlying complexity up close) than an open book.

P.S. Ironically, I'm still angry :)

The Dreaming Bed

Since returning from my overseas trip, I've been sleeping in my spare room.
The spare room is adjacent to my living room, so when my folks come to stay I'm only too happy to vacate my master bedroom and en-suite, knowing my later bed time wont interrupt their sleep habits - it's a win/win scenario.

So why after all these weeks am I still in the room? I'm guessing its the dreams.

I never remember my dreams in the other room, and for the life of me I have no idea why.
I've always found that looking at your dreams is an excellent way of cutting to the quick, even if you don't really want to admit what they're saying to you.

Sooner or later you have to look to the truth of the things that bother you.

I'm wondering if admitting it means the cure isn't too far off. Right now I'm too angry to care, although that could have (partially) been the last 5 minutes of Castle S02E24 tonight.

So angry !

Toasty feet

I love the rain.

Today I took at walk at lunchtime and got caught in a downpour.
As life suddenly sped up to a mad dash around me, I decided I couldn't get any wetter, so carried on undeterred. There's a kind of peace that comes from not reacting on impulse.

Tonight the wind is blowing rain onto my kitchen window.
The wind whistles under the eves on it's way to Piha, while I am nice and warm inside.
These are the simple moments to cherish, even if my socks were wet all day.

It's a small price to pay for hot water cupboard trainers tomorrow :)

Looking Past the Obvious

I'm a sucker for this kind of sound.

I think that like this clip, in life you have to look beyond whats in front of you. You've got to want something more than what you see; either that or forever doomed to be nothing more than a Muppet.

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

I cant stress how important that last bit in italics is to me these days.

I feel old

Chemistry

I don't mind being married to my career
and I don't expect it to hold me in bed as i fall asleep at night
I just don't wanna settle

-Up in the Air (2009)

The next big thing

I remember how outwardly idealistic I was once,

I remember how one of my workmates said he'd kick his son out of home if he was gay.
I remembered getting into an ever increasing argument telling him what a fuckwit he was.
That part will never die.

I remember watching a mate dragging another out of girls room at a party
Because it wasn't his girlfriend's

I remember barricading the doors at work from non union worker trying to get in during a strike. I was shitting myself, but I wasn't alone.

I remember dancing with Georgia before she could walk. Later I remember reading stories to her. I remember her smiles and screams of joy reading "The Bear" story.

I remember when everything seemed so much more important, that the things we did were pivotal in some way. Things seemed mostly larger than life. Maybe it's just the hindsight talking.

Over time people mellow. We see the benefits in compromise, we curb our excesses, we grow up. Most of the time it's a good thing, but I guess I'm still looking for the next big thing - something to raise that emotion; bring back the flavor of life.

I wonder what it will be, and how soon it will take to get here....

One - Aimee Mann

Rumour has it the entire film "Magnolia" was dreamt up while listening to an Aimee Mann album. Depending on your opinion of Paul Thomas Anderson's work that may or may not be a good thing.

Yes Shaw, I know you hated it :)

I promise - this will be the last in the line of music posts. They come in three's don't you know.

Always a woman

I haven't heard this in ages. I remember borrowing this album when it first came out.
Shitty stereo, on vinyl, I played it to death. The thing I remember now is that I know the lyrics to every single song on "The Stranger" - I wonder in the age of the mp3 how common this is now.

Addiction needs a pacifier

GRRR moments;
1) One thousand three hundred emails upon my return to work.
2) I forgot that TODAY was my birthday day off - not yesterday.
3) Looked up at the clock expecting midday - it was 10 AM !!

Moving along.

I was trying to explain something to Niamh the other night.

I had an occasion to stand near the front of the ship in front during a beautiful sunset. I was alone, surrounded by and endless sea. As the sun set in its brilliance, the wind dropped I waited for an epiphany that... just.... didn't....come.

It was a waste of a perfect moment.... What I really needed was something like this :)

I see the universe.
I see the patterns.
I see the foreshadowing that precedes every moment of every day.
A part of me swims in the stream.
But in truth, I'm standing on the shore.
The current never takes me downstream

But nope - nothing... I hate it when life does that!

Random thoughts

I hate that when you see someone asking for money on the street, you immediately check run mental check to see if you're being conned. I hate that people can take advantage of others good will, to a point where we now think twice before offering our fellow man a helping hand.

I feel for parents who have young children on planes that misbehave prior to take-off and landings. I know it's often because they have to sit in their own seats and not Mum and Dad's knee; or that they're probably overtired and tantrum friendly. Still, all that aside I wish they could just stick them with an epi-needle and knock the screaming shits out.

I'm glad that after a stressful day in a foreign country, when you're hungry and confused with the new currency, you can walk into a McDonalds and feel at home again.

I'm disturbed that the loss of hair on your head doesn't automatically exclude ear or back hair as well.

I'm happy Walmart shoppers aren't always the same as they're perceived in the popular media.

I love it when you're expecting the third degree from custom and border security, and they meet you with a real smile and cheery disposition.

I really love it that I got in and out of Hawaii without getting fingerprinted or retinal scanned. I understand why, but I really believe you should be a criminal before being treated like one. But after you've proven to have committed a criminal act in a court of law - totally different story - go to town!

I hate how much you miss home, until you actually arrive back.

Back

I'm back after a 12 hour flight from Hawaii, and suddenly I'm in a New York state of mind...



No work tomorrow - it's my birthday "day off".

Shorts

I know it's overly sensitive of me, but I hate it when I see people reading a magazine from cover to cover, only putting it down only to pick another.

I know it might upset the balance of our delicate earth's ecosystem, but I'm wondering if the world wouldn't be a little bit better off without people always trying to get something for nothing.....

Time waits for no man

There's nothing worse than waiting for an email that may never come.

Expect perhaps having to pay 75cents/minute for the privilege :)

Forgive me :)

Sorry Niamh.

In any relationship, you're bound to slip at times, especially when apart over great distances.

Plus it's never cheating when you're not in the same zip code, let alone the same hemisphere - right?

And the Margarita's were divine, so that makes it OK - doesn't it ?

Love Markie x

Unfriending

The act of unfriending is a new social trend we all eventually have to learn if we're a Facebook user. Although the results are always the same, the reasons for unfriending are not always as simple as they first appear to be.

Facebook is an interesting social media machine; some people use it to collect as many "friends" as possible while others keep their social media connections to those they would truly call friends. I struggle when it comes to ignoring friend requests - simply put it's not polite to not extend your hand in friendship, but to do so to someone who has over 500 friends seems easier - after all, don't they have enough already?

I have less than 60 friends. Some are workmates, others are social friends, none are for status. In my time I have only unfriended two Facebook friends - for entirely different reasons.

The first was in my early days of Facebook. I got a request from a girl who seemed to know me very well - but for the life of me I couldn't place her photo in her profile. Curiosity won me over and I accepted her friend request, only to find she was a friends sister. Her hedonistic lifestyle eventually got to me; she continually whined about her lot in life, at the same time only too willing to bankrupt her doting parents by getting them to pay for everything, including the very house she lived in. Unfriending her was a simple act - I just didn't like her.

The last act of unfriending was driven solely by self preservation. After accepting the friendship connection I realized that very post on her page was a reminder of a life I could not be connected to; a constant prompting that, for whatever reason, any love we shared could not be overcome to create change. In a way it provided a deeper understanding that my love for her simply wasn't enough. Contrary to any opposing view I needed to accept that - but in a way her Facebook posts were a consistent painful reminder of that fact. It was unhealthy, and for completely different reasons unfriending was again a simple act. Although in this instance she still haunts me every single day.

I look at my Facebook inbox today and I see a request from a prominent Korean businessman, who has serious financial connections to my aunt: I think I've met him once. My dilemma; should I accept a request from someone who I don't know very well, yet may take my snub personally enough to impact on his business deals with my aunt. His request hovers in my inbox, neither accepted or denied. If only life were always that simple.

Inaction often seems simpler, yet achieves nothing.

Northern Exposure

Moorea Bungalow $950 USD a night - breakfast not included

At 2am this morning we silently passed over the equator. When we woke this morning I reacquainted myself with the northern hemisphere. By 10am we had already sighted the Christmas Islands, ironically named as it was incredibly hot outside, not incredibly wet like most Dunedin Christmas's I have experienced over the years.

As my cruise reaches it's end I'm both happy and sad. Happy because I'm starting to get to that period in any holiday when you get sick of being on holiday - perhaps not holidays in general - just the one you're on at the moment. If I was mega rich I'd always make a plan to take a holiday in the middle of my holiday before going back to my original holiday. By doing that both holidays would always be fresh and interesting; you wouldn't notice the twenty track CD in the dining room was constantly on repeat, and as a result wanting to drown yourself in the breakfast oatmeal to the dulcet tune of "suicide is painless", or as it's otherwise known name "The theme to MASH".

I still subscribe to the whole doing less, achieves more fun theory. Right now I'm once again in the ships library, reclining in a nice leather chair (fully clothed IG). I watch the day pass with the waves as we steer toward the Hawaiian Islands at a leisurely 16 knots. I of course have nothing to do but watch the majesty unfold - and unfold it does.

Just yesterday I won BINGO, but had to share my $84 with some chick from Australia because she called it at the same time. When I announced I was from New Zealand I got a huge cheer - perhaps because there were a few Kiwi's there, perhaps because I was wearing shorts - I am unclear which.

Tonight I have to attend a stag do for someone who's been married 30 years. Such are the complexities of shipboard life. Everyday they plead for people to attend the Jammers nightclub, but as it doesn't open until 9pm, most people are in bed. I would go, but the bar staff always burst into tears when I arrive - realizing that no one else will be attending. I always buy at least three drinks so the gratuity payments (automatically added) pay their wages for the night. I kid. Well kinda.

Gratuity is a funny concept, nope, on second thought I fuck'n hate it. Australian and New Zealander's don't tip. It's not that we're cheap - it's just that it's not in our culture. When you get good service you return to that restaurant; you tell your friends. That's how it works here. We discovered 3 days in to our journey that we were all being charged $11 per day as a flat gratuity fee - this on top of a 10% gratuity fee on all our drinks. As this was an optional service the next day there was a massive line to the pursers desk by irate Oz and Kiwi passengers getting the charges removed. Princess Lines are planning to add the charge to all fares in the future so you know what you're in for. Frankly I think it's wise - often those who travel from this neck of the woods aren't super wealthy, for some it's a trip of a lifetime.

Pet stingrays on Moorea motu. Brilliant!

I had to smirk the other day; like in the days of Titanic, there still remains a class structure on a cruise - even if it's self imposed. People at our dinner seating decided to treat themselves to something called "The Captains Sanctuary". For a nominal fee of $15 per person you can book time in a remote part of the ship with a full luxury service - food, shade, own bar staff etc. Thing was, when they went to book they found all the spaces were pre-booked by the more wealthy clientele - when they wandered by later that day they found no one there. One way to keep the commoners out I suppose :)

So today is my birthday here - I have duct-taped my Mums mouth shut, and she's under a penalty of death should she make a fuss. I just want to get away from it all and switch off. Surrounded by over 1300 people it's a bit tough. Still in the library at least everyone has to keep their gobs shut. Blessed silence.

Finally : I've been wondering.. do you "Love the ones you Miss", or "Miss the ones you Love". I've been thinking the latter.

What about you guys?

Low shoulder - through the trees

Liked this in a movie -hope it translates in Youtube, as my connection is too slow to view.

Anyway - enjoy (hopefully) :)

Bah! Birthdays!

I never liked birthdays. I think I may have mentioned that, for me, they're a measurement of progress; a time to take stock of certain things.
It's a waste of time, i know, but we are all wired a certain way.
Sometimes it can be a huge distraction; forever pulling me back to the same place to be measured against a standard that is continually changing; I can never win.

In my mind there were some things I wanted to have sorted by the 17th. The irony is that I can now only recall the things still outstanding. My life coach continually tells me I'm very perceptive; I'm thinking it's a curse of sorts, I often wish I was oblivious and unaware.

The risk of continually looking for answers, are getting some I suppose.

I once read a science fiction story where one of the sub-characters had a elective surgery procedure where he was left perpetually happy, not caring about any outcomes of life. Best decision he ever made he claimed - but there's the rub - He'd say that anyway.

Blissfully unaware, blissfully happy. I wonder if I could let it all go. I'm haunted by a memory of what life could offer, and what yet may be.

Another year: Still searching, still measuring, still learning.

I dunno - maybe it's a good thing after all. :)