Of Lions and Giraffes

Hal and Oliver

There is this scene in Beginners...

Hal: Well let's say... let's say since you were little,
and you've always dreamed of someday getting a lion.

And you wait, and you wait, and you wait,
and you wait and the lion doesn't come.

Then along comes a giraffe.
You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe.

Oliver: I'd wait for the lion.

Hal: That's why I worry about you.


I stopped writing, simply because I did not see the point. There was a circular momentum to all of this that required breaking. Some time away, a new job, a myriad of small permutations of combinations that would hopefully lead somewhere - some place away from the circle.

So here I am, back at the beginning, waiting for my Lion.
Unbending, as always, cocking my middle finger at this world,
Telling it to take its best shot
While I wait for my lion to man the fuck up
And get back into my life.

What life can afford to share

[Note: this post written a couple of days ago but due to internet issues in the Cook Islands I couldn't post it until now]

It's a fundamentally sad fact that we will all be forgotten.

Though we may strive to be good, and achieve much, even the most famous of us will eventually be known only by a few who have touched our lives. When they too are gone, only images or words may take their place, and they are a pale imitation of our true essence.

This tragedy is even more pronounced when the person remembered was afforded such a short life - her chance at life cut so short. How a father could take all that opportunity away in one moment of jealous rage is beyond my comprehension.

I can't begin to fully understand why this death has never left me. I cannot understand why I can still remember someone's image so clearly, as if from an old photograph. Yet, with may years gone now, I realize as a 9 year old boy - I really couldn't have know her at all.

I didn't know what to say or think when I saw her final resting place today. Thirty six years later my 70's color pallet has been bleached pale blue by time, yet the outline of her image is as strong as ever. I have to admit I was looking forward to some degree of closure - It was not to be as I had hoped.

About a year ago a cyclone ravaged the island, and sometime during the night the supported roof to her grave site had fallen over, and the headstone had toppled. Today, with the site obscured by the rusting corrugated iron roof, there were no visible signs that I was even at the right location.


Later I confirmed I was at the right house. I had to admit I was surprised that her brother didn't take the time to clear the damage, especially when some time back, he took the time to adopt a baby girl, taking Janice's name for her own. Perhaps in some way that child afforded him the opportunity to move on. I have to remind myself she really isn't here anymore and I really shouldn't worry.

More importantly I have to realize that this isn't about me.
I realize that life doesn't always allow you the chance to tie up all the loose ends, and get what you want. It's enough that I have finally found her, and that I have the opportunity to say hello again.

Although this part in the journey has been completed, I will never forget her as long as I live. Every time I come to this tropical paradise I will visit for a short while, and in that small way, at least in my memory, Janice Henry will live on.

Is that Tinnitus I hear

There is a silence in my home today.

If I listen very carefully I can almost head the sound of the sea, as you would if you held a seashell or glass to your ear.

My body aches, and my fingers are blistered from racing go-karts and swinging a golf club. My shoulders stiff for the same exact same reasons.

Yet through all this, I am content; for all this pain is a good pain - born of good things and good times.

There is nothing worse than the numb that proceeds a Sunday evening, and bleeds into a week of Mondays.

But none of this today - the quiet and ache sustains me, and all is well.

Updates

I've been a month in my new job, but I keep getting pulled back into my old position, as a part of a "hit squad" looking into various high profile customer issues. It's frustrating, as I'm trying to start a new position knowing nothing - relying on the kindness of the people in my new team, but at the same time it's also nice to be seen as someone who can be brought in at the eleventh hour to pull a rabbit out of the hat.

I was taught by an amazing tech who was so anal retentive that after he fixed a fault he'd always put the old broken part back in to make sure he could fault it again. Although I always hated that last step, I now see it has shaped my technical career to a point I find it incredibly hard to work on issues with people who wont take a logical approach. This week I've been working with two guys that have been all over the place - it hasn't been easy. I have tried really hard, but on at least one occasion I have been rather terse with a manager who I have no time for - He slaps me on the back and laughs while I think of possible shallow grave locations.. not good.

But through this all we have surprisingly made some progress. There is still some work to do, but I guess if you get an infinite number of moneys working at typewriters you'll eventually get a play by Shakespeare. :)

If you want to keep in touch feel free to look at my twitter and tumblr feed. I find the limitation of characters an enjoyable challenge, and as a plus there's less there from me about never being loved, or one day being found dead (6 months late) in a council flat. And that can't be a bad thing :)

I will endevour to post more regularly, but for now I'm retreating a little for the winter - my mind is full of the consequences of recent actions, and I need time to process the outcomes. As always there are good and bad - for now I'd rather focus on the positive (wherever they may be).

Take care out there :)

Some Kind of Wonderful

Another step in the path

I've been immersed in the world of the Foo Fighters.

I've just finished watching the documentary "Back and Forth" which was incredibly interesting.
When it comes to following bands I have never been bleeding edge; I've never been a cool kid. I always thought of Paul as my favourite Beatle, when those who supposedly know better would always pick George then John, then possibly even Ringo beforehand.

Even when it comes to the Foo Fighters, I'll post an acoustic number rather than something indie from the first album that was a defining moment for the band.

Although I admire the musical layering on what otherwise may be seen as a simple song like The Pretender - the song that stays with me long after my stereo is wound back from 11 would be this little number from Skin and Bone.

Mrs Splendid's Return

Chilean dust clouds dispersed with, Dunedin fog thought better, and diverted my flight 500 kilometers away to Christchurch. I smiled inside as the captain gave us the bad news, as nobody complained.

Our flight landed at 9:30pm and we were soon leaving the city of Christchurch for our 5 hour road journey south. The bus was old and very cold, yet people were loathe to fuss. Two hours in, one brave soul asked the bus driver if he could turn on the heat - 20 minutes later we were all stripped down to t-shirts, wondering if it was better to freeze to death or suffer the trials of heat exhaustion; it was one or the other.

I sat by myself at the front, with a clear view of the road ahead. The rhythmic drone and gentle swaying as the bus as it meandered its way haphazardly south, gave me pause to think of my hectic week, and Mrs Splendid's eventual return to this blog.

I find that good friends make the simple effort to be in each others lives. Although they may be busy in their own right, good friends take time to consider those that surround them. They call, text, or email to keep in touch. They worry when you are ill, they listen when the weight of the world presses down just that little bit harder. And you do the same for them.

When you look at your friends, I believe they reflect the nature of your soul. Perhaps in some cases they even serve as an aspiration to a person you may one day become - if you are lucky. I look at my friends and see all the character and support i will ever need in this world. Mrs Splendid is one such friend.

As the bus continued through Timaru and on to Oamaru, I also realised that if i was to be truly happy I couldn't waste my energy on those friends whose recent actions seemed designed instead to push me away.

When a friend makes you doubt yourself, you realise, with some sadness, that something has changed, and for them, you simply no longer matter.

You fight for any friendships you make, as well you should, but in the end the simplest explanations seem the most probable; there was perhaps was nothing much to save in the first place, and for what ever reason - they are gone, and you are sad.

In the end your soul can not grow on scraps of friendships thrown your way. Better to surround yourself with a garden of those that love you, and get to some serious weeding.

We eventually arrived in Dunedin. I directed the driver to the Dunedin train station where families were waiting. We all thanked Derek (the bus driver) for responding to the call and delivering us all safely home at such short notice; such is the way of these Southern folk.

I thought about my long day; from my conversation with a dear friend that morning, through to this last ten minute taxi ride to my parents door. How different it would have been, if I hadn't had all those extra hours to ponder ? Would I have reached the same conclusions as quickly if I wasn't delayed?

Sometimes we travel so fast, to arrive too soon; our thoughts lost in the past. Sometimes we need these diversions life afford us to keep pace with our lives.
To divine a path toward more happiness.

Can't Go Back Now

I thought this apt, although the puppets seem a bit smug if you ask me :)

I can't really say
Why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter
Are the ones you take all by yourself

The Likening

It was like the first day at school.
I started my new job today, and for the life of me; subconsciously I must really love a challenge.

I have so far to go, so many things to learn. I feel like I'm surrounded by savants speaking a language that sounds a bit like random English words placed haphazardly between acronyms.

I wonder how my brain will rewire itself - and how I will survive the process.

And through this all turmoil, I still really like the girl.
And, as is typical the nature of these things, my timing could not be worse.
So - what to do? To walk a fine line between water worlds, living in neither?
Dipping back and forth, as to not create ripples too large to spill?
Some days the sea seems too large to contemplate.
Yet, the like remains, and in that, I have no choice but to swim.

You met me at a very strange time in my life.

Where Firefly and real life intersect

I channeled Shepard Book this week.




When a close girl friend asked me about a girl I like, and stated "Oh, you have to tell me who"
I paused for a moment and replied quietly, yet firmly; "Oh, no I don't" .

Thank you Joss Whedon - it was a haiku moment.

Waiting

You'd be so proud of me - I'm doing everything differently.

I have a new job, a new bonus, a new salary: a new me.
Well I'm not sure I can really suspend disbelief completely with that last one, but change is most definitely afoot.

I haven't been posting lately, because I was seeing a trend I didn't want to continue. There was some angst it was fair to say, and I was sick of making it more "real" by writing it down. I have, however come to the conclusion that getting things like rewards, jobs, and money often only serve to bring into sharp relief the things you're not getting, or that are missing from your life.

I've resisted the temptation to charge on regardless, as I have done every other time - with limited (to no) success. Instead, this time, I have decided to sit back and wait - to see what might happen without forcing my own luck. I'm beginning to understand that much of what we want involves a certain degree of trust. I was also reminded that much of what we want involves the action of others; actions that should be true and unforced.

For now, more that ever - what will be will be.
Being truly open to that will be a painful lesson I'm sure.

Wish me luck :)

Moments of clarity and lucidly

I sent someone a text today. Simply put - I believe it was probably the best writing I've done in a long long time. All through today I referred back to it - I can't believe I wrote it. These moments are sent to remind us of magic of words - that they can move us so much, yet can come from a part of ourselves we can't recognize or touch.

Tumblr and being in love

I've been wandering around Tumblr lately posting random quotes and images on my homepage.

Although Tumblr is mostly porn, there are some other amazing images to be seen and digested.

It's nice to know that while a lot of the stuff pitched to us in this world is sterile and ultimately false, the internet remains a bastion of hope in so many places.

See the best of it it before the soulless bastards ban it and try and sell us a Prius instead.

Maybe even the porn.

Out of limbo

I got a new job yesterday.
Over one hundred people applied, and when my new manager gave me the good news he actually mentioned the high caliber of the shortlist, and how pleased he was that he had me to choose.

This new job is requires an entirely new skill set - one that I must develop over time from scratch. I look forward to the challenge - the focus, and the change. I'm just not as happy as I should be; and that makes me angry.

Knowing what you really want is a curse of sorts - especially if it's nothing you can plan or work toward. I guess that every now and again you have to rely on someone else to make a difference, even if you're used to flying solo.

And flying solo is something I'm sick of right now.

Zombie didnt eat MY brain

I'm hating my brain right now.

I'm trying hard not to listen to it, to fall into the same traps as always.
I'm trying to evolve, do things differently.
I'm reminded that doing the same things over and over, expecting a different outcome is sheer madness.

It's not easy living with my thought processes right now - but maybe that's a great reason to try another tack - and perhaps as a result, a different outcome.

And that's a thought I can deal with.

Gentleman have to live with themselves

Probably why I'm still single; I refuse to compromise.

This rule, and so many more from here

Observing the Octopus

Isn't it unfortunate when you meet someone you like?

I find it odd when the realization dawns; like in that ever so famous "filim" Love Actually, when Hugh Grants character meets Natalie. It's so...well... inconvenient.

It's also horrible when you realize that once again, your brain and disassociated hormones have swung the lever on some cosmic one arm bandit; yet instead of being showered in joy you simply feel sick to your stomach.

It's even worse when you know that you're not the Prime Minister of England, nor is she a tea lady. Personally, I think my brain has an ironic sense of humour, and would be better served concentrating on World Peace or some other achievable aim - rather than a foolhardy pursuit of someone so laughably beyond my reach.

Yet, regardless, the feeling persists - in much the same way morning sickness doesn't. :)

Lots of healthy denial and sweeping under carpets methinks.... yep - that should do the trick :D

Because it's important

Stuff I wish I knew 25 years ago

Although I know this cant possibly make sense, it's important to know that it doesn't matter how much you're into another person; it's how much they're into you that really counts.

In this, nothing you do has any influence; it's all the things you did to get to that moment of awareness. By then it's either happened, or it never will.

Reflection

“The quietest people have the loudest minds.”