No idea - at all

I'd like to think life was trying to teach me something in 2010; that living through another year would bring with it a better understanding of my place in this universe.

Life, perhaps, does not realise the challenge it has with me. I am a very slow learner.

Seeing past my own perceptions is a challenge I've yet to master; more recently I've had to accept that my understanding of my own personal universe is lacking. It's nice to have something to work on I guess.

I've recently seen the struggles made by youngsters finding their stride; their place in this world. I never thought that this process was continually ongoing - that we all must continue to find new meaning in what we do. Although life is a job for life, it can be hard to change pace, look where we run, and find out where the hell the race is taking us.
We can stumble, get lost in the maze of options; it is especially hard if we have too many options, or we see the obstacles in front of us too clearly. I'm beginning to think if we try too hard not to fall, we may miss the point of the race all together.

Frankly, some days I wish I never knew. I prefer so many other things to running. :)

Good hunting

To everyone who drops by to read my meandering stories, I wish you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas. Take care of each other - after all, we're all we've got.

Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls.
- Mother Teresa

Like me fuckers!

My universe is contracting.

Many of my Auckland friends have settled down with their families, or are playing house with their new partners. I don't get home to Dunedin nearly enough to stay that current with my friends down there, so over eight years what once were busy weekends have now become rather predictable and perhaps a little boring.

I know that it's up to me to make new friends, and to find new social circles to orbit, but thinking and doing can often be different things entirely. That said, I have met a number of lovely people this year.

From a single outsider looking into to another social circle, it can often be hard to break in. It's not enough to want it; they have to want it too.

It's kind of silly really. You want to build friendships; yet by making the extra effort you can look needy or overly aggressive. The rub is that if you don't try hard enough you never make an impression at all.

Some days you wonder why the hell you bother, and the next you're enjoying great company wondering what you did to deserve it.

Through it all I know that no matter how fine the line I dance; my choices are honest and there is no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get - and I guess that's all that really matters.

Dont drink and think

I hardly ever drink.
Drinking is something you should do with friends - somewhere you feel safe.

I hate bars.
On the whole they're populated with entirely different people, who's motivations I just don't understand.

I hate drunk me.
Entirely too open, entirely to honest, entirely too easy to read; even when I say nothing at all.
I see the paths to take. Too many taken before, all leading nowhere. I dont see the point. I am too jaded; I feel as old as time.

I have to be careful - words become dangerous. Words are scanned, removed, and sanitized inside. Mouth engaged; language becomes a minefield of intentions.

Best to leave I think.

I hug, then I do.

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

Shiny floor indeed

Deadly Jelly stole my copy of Knight and Day.

DUDE
(she texted)
Can we borrow Knight and Day?
Please please PRETTY FUCKING PLEASE?
Your floor's very shiny, quite impressed x

I only say this, because in shorter order we will doubtlessly see a @deadlyjelly review of "Knight and Day", and I very much suspect it will not show me in a good light.

I've been thinking about this film most of the day. I think I like it.
I've been wondering why.

I think it's because I've come to hate "You've got Mail" mostly.

This is the synopsis of You've Got Mail;

Boy and Girl cheat of each others respective partners by developing an online relationship.
Real world Girl and Real world Boy meet - Real world Boy lies about who he is
Real world Girl finds about Real world boy at party - Real world Boy acts like an arse.
Real world Boy casually sets out to destroy Real world girls business
Real world Boy finds out girl is actually online girl - but doesn't tell her.
Real world Boy sets out to woo online girl - all the time hiding who he really is (Online Boy)
Online boy arranges with online girl to meet him finally. Realworld boy tries to stop Realworld Girl meeting Online boy.
Real world girl turns down Real world boy to meet online Boy
Online girl meets Online boy and finds out he's Real world Boy - and doesn't kill him on the spot
Real world girl always hoped Real world Boy would be online boy.
They kiss - dog nuzzles crotch.

Bollocks.

Knight and Day may be complete bollocks as well.
But it's good spirited bollocks, where the good guys are good and the bad guys aren't grey.
The romantic leads seem like good people.
Tom doesn't shag Cameron Diaz after 5 minutes - or 10 even.

It's light hearted, whimsical, and a nice bit of chewing gum for the mind.

And right now - that seems a pretty good fit for me.

Plus Tom didnt smile too much.

Rule 1

How life should be :)

The spiral

I think that if we're open to it, we adopt the best habits of those who influence our world.
If you are lucky enough to have friends or associates who are outward looking, positive and motivated, it's hard not to be lifted and taken along for the ride.

When those influences are gone, and you find yourself longing for their return, there are two options; to pick up the baton and run with it, or look for another group of like minded people and join them.

Make it or find it - but either way - be it; before it's too late.

Two minute silence

Twenty nine men still underground, and a nation grieves.
Two minutes of silence at two pm.
Supermarkets announce the coming of the hour; everyone stops: there is silence.
I wish I was there.

Our office is a barnyard of cultures
The sounds of many languages
Everyone rushing; so busy
I couldn't stay there.

I walked to the cafe; saw the fat cats drink their lattes
Chattering through it all, like it was nothing
I walked away, found a quiet spot.
I thought about all the things the 29 would never have.

Sons, daughters, grand kids, wives and lovers.
One was a teenager, and now will always be.

Time passed, the world moved on two more minutes.
I didnt know them, I didn't have to grieve.
But I had a respect for the risks they took to make a daily wage.
And how fragile we can be when chance bets against you.

Just another day.
The world moves on; they stay behind.
Thank God the coasters will remember them.
Because there are too many who never bothered to care.

Wedding Songs

I always thought "Never Tear us Apart" would be the ultimate wedding song.



And "By my side" would be a close second.



But if wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak :)

Here endeth the INXS posts !

Beautiful Girl

A haunting INXS song from the 90's.
I love how we can discover old things for the first time ever
And they become new again.

A true story

Once upon a time I was locked in a tin shed filled with fishing nets and corks. I was told that I was going to spend the rest of my life in that shed, and that I'd never see my parents again. It was hot and musty - the sun shone through dirty windows lighting up the dust in the air. I was terrified. When I asked what I was going to eat, I was told that I could eat the corks.

I think I was five or six years old.

I cant help but wonder who I would have been if that moment never elapsed.

I cant help but wonder what I would have to do to them in order to provoke a similar emotional response; especially now they must be in their mid 50's.

I honestly think that whatever that would be, I'd probably get some serious jail time. Especially as I think one is now a top cop, and the other a member of parliament.

So: two lessons.

One: You are what you absorb, and
Two: There is no such thing as Karma.

Although I'd like to be proven wrong on the second one.

Respect and Admiration

Respect and admiration aren't given away.
Respect is earned over time; can never be demanded or sought.
There is no clear cut way to either outcome; it can come from adversity or love.
It can come from anywhere and nowhere at the same time.

You cant just give it away on a whim: you have to be sure.
Like the love of your life, it's hard to give back when it's gone,
But through it all it shouldn't be retained for past deeds,
Because respect and admiration are both retained through consistency.

There are no awards, often there can be no words.
They are but silent reminders of the best we can be,
And who we might become, if we try.

Minutes to Memories

How much passion this life?
And how much magic?
And why, oh why, can I not find a DVD to watch?

I literally have hundreds; many I watch over and over.
In some way I want them to teach me something - something I haven't yet seen. Why else would I watch them so many times? Some days I wonder if these favourites aren't just the visual equivalent of warm socks on a cold winters day.

Today's choice showed, among other things, a man and his wife on a couch. How as she lent in close; how as she put her head on his shoulder, they just fitted like some small part of a cosmic jigsaw puzzle.

I see parts of that puzzle every day; how some things fit, and others never do. I see what looks like a three year old child; a child who cant understand why the shapes don't fit, but carries on regardless.
I see some parts dance around each other, getting set aside for another day, another dance. And through this all I also see this all as someone who might move the pieces, but never take part in it's final outcome.

And finally, as the movie finishes i hear;

The universe will expand
and it will collapse back on itself
and then it will expand again.

It will repeat this process forever

What you don't know is that when the universe expands again
Everything will be as it is now.
Whatever mistakes you make this time around
You will live through again on your next pass

Every mistake you make you will live through
Again and again
Forever.

So my advise to you is to get it right this time around
Because this time, is all you have.

And when I stop to think, I think this apt. Especially from the outside looking in.

Where I am today.

I've been struggling with the concept of friendships lately.
From those I've known since my school days, later through my early years at work, and onto those I'm yet to make, friends have become the foundation that I build myself upon.

Lately I've found I want to know more people who inspire, and help me grow.
Not that I'm desperate, but I can only hope they'll see something special in me as well.
And if that makes me try a little harder to be a better person, so be it.

So true.

"Hold it, wait. Cut the fucking bass, man. Folks, may i have your fucking attention please?"

-Niamh Shaw; About Time

Blue Day

I love this song.

Many people say a bands first album is their best. I wonder if it's because they put so much energy into what they're trying to say - never sure they'll get another chance. Although there's a certain purity in a first album, later on when a band becomes more comfortable with itself, a few gems remain. Sometimes a single song from a later album can eclipse a lifetime of previous works.

I'd like to think it's a metaphor for life as well - that every day is a chance to eclipse a monumental time in our past. Another chance to redefine ourselves - not for those who watch on from the outside, but for those lost dreams that wait from within.

Sifting through the thoughts that lead you on
Find the door that's open, now you're gone
We softly say to our-ourselves
If we could be anybody else

Valid as much here as anywhere

Thank God for the Internet - perhaps the last bastion for free speech.

Growing past 32

I've always felt as if 32 was a comfortable age for me. It seemed my whole sophomore existence was a painful stretch to that particular age, while every year since has been I constant reminder that I have to move on.

However; many, many years later, I still feel 32.

Today - I sit in meetings, and speak. I'm in awe that people actually listen. I feel like someone who sounds like me is throwing his voice from my seat; that like a ventriloquists dummy, someone else is pulling the strings; my take is simply to be there and breathe. I am stunned that the obvious things I say can set others writing furiously on their note pads. I wonder what they write? I wonder what goes through their heads while I'm winging it.

Something happened, and here we all are; traveling through time at the speed of life. Some on their way to their 32, others trying like hell to hold on to something real.

Being grown up should mean having more answers. Being grown up should give you an inner calm, an inner peace. Instead my aching left knee has started clicking and my once dislocated right thumb cant hold my drum stick properly. I'm confronted, and confused by the myriad of optional paths to take. Some days I feel I should have many more answers, when all I can offer is a hug. 'Though in fairness - the hugs have come to mean a lot.

If being grown up means knowing you don't have all the answers, perhaps being older still will bring with it the realization we know nothing. That, and the only way through this is with each other, and perhaps a fair amount of denial.

Maybe the important thing is when push comes to shove, you'll be prepared to wing it. Come along with me - It could be one hell of a ride.

How Jed got stoned.

It's no secret that a friend is someone who lets you help [1].

There's a certain irony at play here. I love to help, but hate being helped.
I'd been looking forward to staying with Niamh and Andrew, but soon after stepping off the plane I realised my weekend away was going to be difficult for me.

You see - They were the perfect hosts.

They let me sleep in, they took me fishing. In the evening before the sun set Niamh and I would take Jed for a walk, throwing his ball; laughing as he bounded down the bush and scrub with a mix of dogged determination and lack of self preservation.

I even got to do real guy stuff with Andrew when we rebuilt his KTM's water pump (twice).

They cooked, made pizzas, muffins, and margaritas. They wouldn't let me do a.god.damn.thing.

It was cruel and unusual punishment.

I may have shared my stash with Jed in a fit of desperation.


Well - I felt better afterward :)

Here's one I prepared earlier

Life is too short to be a difficult prick. It takes so much energy to deny the obvious. It seems odd to spend so much energy avoiding things to do, and make things harder for everyone else.

Yet so many persist.



This post is dedicated to a PM, who has the unenviable task of working with one of my more difficult workmates. Why she chooses to throw herself on this particular grenade on a daily basis is a source of wonder to the rest of us. I'm thinking eventually she will simply come to her senses and headbutt him.

Meanwhile we can only hope by then she'll have her technique up to scratch, and wont end up with a black eye this time.

:)