I am the deadliest Jelly

I am deadlyjelly. I'm mad as hell and I cant take it any more.

I have a confession: Ive been writing deadlyjelly since the inception.

It all started when I watched Jack Nicholson in As good as it gets. He said to write as a woman all you had to do was "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability".

I wondered if it was that easy. Turns out it was.
At least until last week.

How was I to know that ;
1) There was a real Niamh Shaw
2) That she was actually a writer and
3) That she'd seen DeadlyJelly.

Now the real Niamh Shaw has lawyered up, and I have received a cease and desist letter in the post.

I worry. I wonder what will happen to Hunkahubby and Jed, now I'm gone. I mean - I used to worry about world peace but this - well this kinda takes precedence.

But mostly I agonize about the posts that I have written that will never see the light of day. The true saga of the windmill power generator - Jeds next big life adventure, and My (sorry) Niamh's next attempt to cross Cook Straight.

All this will be lost now. Lost in the legal read tape of the real Niamh Shaw. The Niamh Shaw that knits doilies and writes love stories from her spinsters apartment in Dublin, fricking Ireland.

This Niamh Shaw is no Lara Croft - this Niamh Shaw is more likely to turn deadlyjelly into a recipe of the week blog - or even worse carry on in a feeble attempt to continue the life of my fricking heroine.

Gone will be the margaritas and ice cold sea swims. Gone the glory of Jed chasing a tennis ball down a rugged Blenheim mountainside - Gone the Hunkahubby and his glorious KTM.

I fully expect that even i will no longer feature.

And that, dear reader - will be a tragedy of epic proportions. :)

Momentum

MarkJ and Sandy:
London 1989

I have a good feeling about this year. I really cant quantify why this particular year should be any better than the last couple - I just have a feeling that after some time things are progressing again.

I think it's been fair to say that catching up with NFG was very much a mixed blessing. The good was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that; the bad was that we connected again - along with all the emotion that came with that. :)

I've loved very few women, and when you know those emotions mean something - it's hard to let them go overnight. In many ways I'll never be over her - I suspect that she probably thinks I hate her - but she was always wrong about that. Sure I was sad and disappointed, but it would have been a monumental move for her and I respect her choice. Any other reaction would have been infantile on my part. When John Lennon once said "All you need in Love" - he couldn't have been more wrong. Relationships are also about time, place, and responsibilities.

I can write this now - two years later on, because I suspect she no longer visits this place. I wish there was a way of turning off these emotions - so in someway we could remain friends. Once upon a time I thought I could do just that - but I couldn't have been more wrong. Part of me would have died inside. I suspect life may yet have more in store for us - but what that may be is outside of my control and may always be.

Still, through all the emotional highs and lows we had a perfect moment in time. Fate conspired to put us in the same time and place, and for the longest time I thought it would be enough.
I know I was lucky to love her, and to have that amazing emotional connection. It serves to remind me that such things are possible in life, and one day may be again.

So - I am moving on. Casting off, settling sail; I suspect it will still take time to gain momentum - but in part my journey is already starting.

And believe me when I say that's no small thing. :)

Thomas Hardy rocks!

We kissed at the barrier; and passing through
She left me, and moment by moment got
Smaller and smaller, until to my view
She was but a spot;

A wee white spot of muslin fluff
That down the diminishing platform bore
Through hustling crowds of gentle and rough
To the carriage door.

Under the lamplight’s fitful glowers,
Behind dark groups from far and near,
Whose interests were apart from ours,
She would disappear,

Then show again, till I ceased to see
That flexible form, that nebulous white;
And she who was more than my life to me
Had vanished quite …

We have penned new plans since that fair fond day,
And in season she will appear again -
Perhaps in the same soft white array -
But never as then!

- “And why, young man, must eternally fly
A joy you’ll repeat, if you love her well?”
—O friend, nought happens twice thus; why,
I cannot tell!

stolen from http://imjimmorrisonimdead.tumblr.com/

Maybe knowing less is more

It's amazing how you always come back to certain songs.
No matter how many times you may have heard it; after some time apart you always get back together, because it resonates somehow.
I like that often you don't even know why.
I've come to believe that we can look to closely for reasons. I wonder if by trying to understand everything, we lose something in the process.

Perhaps in more than one way, ignorance is truly bliss?

2011 Redux

I've been thinking about how I'm going to approach this year.
We've been circling around each other for four days now, and it's like neither of us want to make the first move. We both know however, when it's on there will be bruises.

I know there will be changes this year. I cant stay doing what I've been doing with the same management structure - I need a change. I've a few plans around that and have already done some background work to get that happening.

Socially - I'm unsure. Frankly I've never pushed this aspect harder than in the last few months of last year. New friendships are difficult, made no easier by my approach to new friendships. Simply put - I hate putting myself out there. Hate it. That said - I got a lovely text this new year that made me think my efforts were bearing fruit. I hope so - she's totally worth the effort.

I have a feeling that in 2011, less is more. At work I'd like less emotion, less crap, fewer mistakes. In saying that I'd still be happy with new mistakes, because at least I'd be learning.

I am in the eye of the storm - around me I can see the devastation gone and the year yet to come.

2011 we be real enough, soon enough. But for now, perhaps we're both enjoying the holiday :)