The truth is simple

Reasons

There is a very good reason we are who we are. We can let life have it's way with us, and be what it moulds us to be. But we can also choose certain things along the way - refuse to be a certain way, refuse to bend to the whims of the events that would serve to shape us. Perhaps to a greater of lesser extent, that is how we are all unmade.

It can be difficult enough to be who we choose to be. It is harder when the ones we love cannot understand our choices - sadder still when we can not bring ourselves to explain those choices.

My stubbornness has shaped my life. A refusal to accept and move on. I am always amazed at those who can let things go - move on from something they wanted. I have often given that advice to others, and I live in wonder at those who have taken it and run.

I cannot. I relive moments of wonder - I cannot forget. The memories remain long after - both the good and bad. They continue to influence, cajole, remind.

For the most part it's OK, but when friends serve to tear away and look for reason behind my decisions - I'm suddenly put into a position where I have to defend them - to speak words and concepts of reply that have no meaning for others. A futile exercise, but one that brings a certain sadness regardless.

And I think I may have to wait forever.

Office Space understands me

I have a job.

That statement should have brought a smile to my lips - it really, really should have.

Except it really, really didn't.

A few months ago my manager was saying things like "You should really start thinking about your future in this company - where do you see yourself in 5 years. Vacancies will be opening up shortly and you should think about where you want to be."

I wanted to be on a tropical island - but I don't think that was what he meant.

Of course I did not say these thoughts out aloud - I often keep my inner monologue well buttoned down, and this moment was no exception. 

The trouble is - I positively HATE the possibility that a mid life crisis may be lurking. It is such a cliche - and wherever possible I avoid cliches like the plague  (heh).

Many would say that a midlife crisis would be wishful thinking, and my aversion to a regular exercise regime has meant in fact that any opportunity for a midlife crisis rests long in the past. 

So I did then the sensible thing - prepared for, and said the right things, at the right time. 

I remain gainfully employed.

I am also very very very unsettled. 

Should my inner monologue ever see the light of day, I would very possibly take it out - wine and dine it for being so brave. Thank it for saving me.

From what, I'm not entirely sure.

Because I have a job.

More words that mean stuff

“It’s strange, isn’t it, how the idea of belonging to someone can sound so great? It can be comforting, the way it makes things decided. We like the thought of being held, until it’s too tight. We like that certainty, until it means there’s no way out. And we like being his, until we realize we’re not ours anymore.”
- Deb Caletti, Stay

Jackson Browne

When I first started to listen to music I was very young. I'd drive my parents crazy lugging around a portable record player wherever I went, playing the same Monkey's songs over and over again. I'm pretty sure I was about 4...

My musical choices have never been that popular with my peers. I discovered Jackson Brown in the early to mid 80's - This song is a pertinent  to me now, as it was way back then...



Running on Empty is an awesome live album.

So - I've been listening to old Fleetwood Mac albums. My stereo lights my room with memories, and then this happens.

A gem of a song I've never heard.

Every hour of fear I spend 

My body tries to cry

Living through each empty night

A deadly call inside

Possibly the saddest/loveliest Fleetwood Mac song I've never heard :)

Enough

Wondering why I've only just discovered Emeli Sande

Yet more about Love

“I love her and that’s the beginning and end of everything.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald about Zelda Fitzgerald in a letter to a friend dated Febuary 1920

I like this one too

“But you, you’ve always been the rain, the wind, inside my mind. I taste you when I sleep, when I wake, when I breathe.”

—	Nalini Singh, Archangel’s Kiss

Apt

“You have my whole heart. You always did.”
Cormac McCarthy, The Road.

“Sometimes I miss you

the way someone drowning

remembers the air.”

— Tim Seibles

Today I find myself wishing I could write, wishing I could paint. I am however, learning to drum - something I once thought I would never be able to do. I'm told I'm a natural - yet I struggle with my coordination as my brain remaps natural pathways on the fly.Perhaps a stray neuron with jump a gap and ignite another part of my brain ? I look forward to what comes next - perhaps an aneurism ??? :-)

Is that bread I smell baking ???? 

Random thoughts on a mid life crisis

I think I should be past a mid life crisis - that being said i often wonder if I will make 92. I ask myself if by getting to this age, then seeing another 20 years of our life taken up by a 9 to 5 existence - should we expect to be happy - yet still receive a sizeable pay check that will make our retirement years bearable... I just don't know.
I see seniority as a doubled edged sword; with the wage comes the stress, with a corresponding lack of care from those who manage us.

Care is underrated - care is something that keeps us warm when the environment is anything but. I think we start to look at things differently when the spring our our retirement could end up looking like a bitter winter of our discontent. I'm wondering if the next 20 years will be worth it - if i will be able to build the house I have in my head - if the woman i love will be there. So many questions, and never enough answers. I worry that i will have to take on so many of these challenges on my own - partly because I may prefer the option of doing so - except for the times i don't.

I do know the rambling must stop, the lurching from side to side - the zig where the zag should have been. I'd like to think that viewed from a distinct position above, the course of my various tangental life decisions would chart across the landscape of my life, a curse to the heavens - directed to those who may watch and take hidden pleasures in our blunders.

So 20 years to go, and with it decisions that cannot be left to chance. The knowledge that given this chance of life, this music of movement, we grab it once offered, and refuse steadfast to let her go again. Like the last dance of a great ball - we make our boldest move with courage we could but dream of having - and with all our will wish ourselves forward toward greatness - and hopefully, with any luck, a zag where a zag should be.

Now this makes me happy :)

This film is probably the reason I'm still single. I read somewhere recently that "western" movies perpetuate the myth that there is a "one" for each of us, and that we should wait for that one. The same article went on to say that this creates a situation where we dont go with "almost the one - but not quite" - and because of this we either;

a) dont find the one,
b) find the one but she's already married/ living with someone else, or
c) take a second best, and wonder our whole lives if we've not made a horrendous mistake.

Regardless - I hope you havent caught the same disease as me - and are in fact very happy with your life choice, whatever it may be.

Someone I know has opted for c) and is miserable. I refuse to be drawn on the matter - a single person should be the last one to be giving couples advice. But that doesnt stop me from thinking about it in my spare time.

I'm thinking that the option extremes are;
To live and die alone, or
To be with someone, raise a family - perhaps even love him in some way, but accept your love limitations.

You can be happy in either situation - but when I see the image above I see an idealised love, and for better or worse it gives me faith - that in my darkest hours the thought of a "one" may be enough to pull me through :)

In the End - it's all that matters

The final episode of Lost reminds me of Love, Sacrifice, and Hope for a happy ending.
I need to watch it every so often to remember, that in life, such things exist.

Positivity

Looking back over the last few posts I'm seeing a distortion of sorts. I'm posting in a few places - and this isn't exactly balanced. Recently I've been posting thoughts here, because I'm hoping people who know me no longer come to this site. There's a certain honesty that comes with an anonymous audience (if there even is an audience here), that can't be maintained on twitter or Facebook. Ill try and find something positive to provide balance - soon :)

Fingertips and edges

Why do I love these words so much ? Is it because they resonate - or simply because in seeing them written by another, you know it's ok to think them, and not feel that you're the only one living them :)

I was thinking of renaming this blog "Write only Memory". The opposite of Read only Memory (in computer parlance), write only memory would be be a place to put words or information that could, by definition, never be seen again. By placing words or images here, perhaps the motivations for doing so could be eliminated. For now - let's see how that works :)

More words

“He loved her, he loved her, and until he’d loved her she had never minded being alone.”
- Truman Capote, Summer Crossing

Dumping ground for thoughts that won't be exorcised

Well - this is new