There is a very good reason we are who we are. We can let life have it's way with us, and be what it moulds us to be. But we can also choose certain things along the way - refuse to be a certain way, refuse to bend to the whims of the events that would serve to shape us. Perhaps to a greater of lesser extent, that is how we are all unmade.
It can be difficult enough to be who we choose to be. It is harder when the ones we love cannot understand our choices - sadder still when we can not bring ourselves to explain those choices.
My stubbornness has shaped my life. A refusal to accept and move on. I am always amazed at those who can let things go - move on from something they wanted. I have often given that advice to others, and I live in wonder at those who have taken it and run.
I cannot. I relive moments of wonder - I cannot forget. The memories remain long after - both the good and bad. They continue to influence, cajole, remind.
For the most part it's OK, but when friends serve to tear away and look for reason behind my decisions - I'm suddenly put into a position where I have to defend them - to speak words and concepts of reply that have no meaning for others. A futile exercise, but one that brings a certain sadness regardless.
And I think I may have to wait forever.