Random thoughts on a mid life crisis

I think I should be past a mid life crisis - that being said i often wonder if I will make 92. I ask myself if by getting to this age, then seeing another 20 years of our life taken up by a 9 to 5 existence - should we expect to be happy - yet still receive a sizeable pay check that will make our retirement years bearable... I just don't know.
I see seniority as a doubled edged sword; with the wage comes the stress, with a corresponding lack of care from those who manage us.

Care is underrated - care is something that keeps us warm when the environment is anything but. I think we start to look at things differently when the spring our our retirement could end up looking like a bitter winter of our discontent. I'm wondering if the next 20 years will be worth it - if i will be able to build the house I have in my head - if the woman i love will be there. So many questions, and never enough answers. I worry that i will have to take on so many of these challenges on my own - partly because I may prefer the option of doing so - except for the times i don't.

I do know the rambling must stop, the lurching from side to side - the zig where the zag should have been. I'd like to think that viewed from a distinct position above, the course of my various tangental life decisions would chart across the landscape of my life, a curse to the heavens - directed to those who may watch and take hidden pleasures in our blunders.

So 20 years to go, and with it decisions that cannot be left to chance. The knowledge that given this chance of life, this music of movement, we grab it once offered, and refuse steadfast to let her go again. Like the last dance of a great ball - we make our boldest move with courage we could but dream of having - and with all our will wish ourselves forward toward greatness - and hopefully, with any luck, a zag where a zag should be.