My cousin killed himself on Sunday.
Mum called me as I was going into my drum lesson on Monday. The first thing I thought after hanging up was “Should I still take my lesson”?
I walked in, told my instructor I’d have to cancel, paid for my upcoming lessons - all the time thinking “This is a pain, I’ve been practicing hard all week - I really had the part I was working out sussed”.
Obviously mentally I was pretty fucked up .
This week was also the one where I found out if I was successful in my new job. Frankly with all this going on I was thinking that redundancy and a trip home for Christmas would have fitted the bill perfectly.
Instead I find myself here on Saturday night- job secured - working on a funeral slideshow; 4 minutes and 29 seconds of life, for a life that is no more.
Initially, after the shock of it all abated slightly, I thought i’d be fine. I didn’t know Matthew that well - I was always closer to his sister Toni. For the last few days I’ve been helping where I can - It never feels like its enough.
It’s never enough.
As the week has wore on I I’ve become more despondent - tired in a way no amount of sleep can counter. But this isn’t about me.
He was obviously unhappy - people around him unaware. He was a perfectionist, perhaps only happy when he had a project or plan to work toward.
Oblivious to everyone but himself, he pushed away those he was closest to, before leaving entirely.
I’m sure if he knew the carnage he’s left behind, the suffering that will will eventually become his legacy, he would have chosen another path.
Perhaps a path where he would have asked for help, a path with a happier ending, a path leading anywhere but a funeral home this coming Monday.
But I know now he couldn’t rationalise that.
I wonder how I’m supposed to learn from all this?
Should I be working at being happier? Should I be less stubborn ? (can I be less stubborn)?
Should I somehow cut the ties that bind me to NFG ?- can I even do that? I don’t think I can.
Fuck it.
Regardless, It seems to be in poor taste to make this all about me.
No matter how bad or sad this all makes me feel, I realise it’s a multitude of times worse for my cousin and my aunt.
And knowing I just can’t make it right - just makes it harder to stomach.
But I’ll do what I can to learn from this, and help those around me. Be more aware.
And that can be his legacy to me.
6 comments:
I was really sorry to read the news. The slideshow ... it seems like a beautiful glimpse of who Matthew was.
Thanks Di. I didnt realise people still came here.
This site has become a dumping ground of emotions lately - One day I'm hoping there will be more positive energy here.
Just not today :(
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I deal with suicide on a daily basis and I can tell you that it always sucks. "Being happy" is one of those questionable goals because there is no good measure, just this vague feeling we all have that everyone else is doing better and seems happier. They aren't. Instead we should aim for feeling good and grateful for what we have. I'm glad you can be there for your aunt and cousin but don't forget your own grief. It's sometimes hard to untangle it from anger\disbelief\frustration\depression that follows someone's suicide, especially if it was unexpected. Keep yourself healthy. And thanks for writing this - people contemplating suicide often rationalize by thinking that people will be better off without them and obviously that's not the case. Just a lot of sadness.
Please take care - and if you want to talk, you know where to find me.
Jay - you deserve a much better reply than one I can muster at 11pm :) That said I'm so glad you're still around here to chat to. Chat soon !
Hi Mark
Well versed, beautiful piece about Matt. Sue sent me the link, she has really taken some comfort from it. Cheers Rene
Thank you Rene. I wasn't aware at Sue knew about this page. This was a very raw post, as you'd expect given its timing. Weeks on I have some time to reflect on the whole thing - I suspect Matthew will be in my thoughts for some time to come.
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